When It Rains...It Pours...

That's such a true statement regarding certain circumstances in life. Especially mine at this moment. So the situation that has presented itself most recently says that I have three different jobs on three different branches each with it's own specific circumstances.

DOL: I've had the internship here since May, and it's getting ready to end September 30th. It pays over 15.00/hr but since it's coming to an end, there's not much I can do to stop that. Alternately, there's the VETS position that wasn't looking very lucrative until this morning. I just got a note that the guy wants to see me. Maybe we'll talk and find out what I can do about that.

KBR: This company has had me on hold for practically the entire summer. They started talking to me a few months ago and I've been keeping in contact with this chick Sabrina, who's been passing my resume along to the HR manager, who she claims is interested in possibly hiring me for a permanent position in their company for a junior cost executive. Starting salary at 38,000. That would be really REALLY nice at this point, but I don't know if I can trust that. I know enough in my life now to know that you can't depend on anything that looks like it's gonna go through. I mean, I thought I would making another 2,000 dollars before all this stuff went down.

GMMB: This company is the one that's presenting the most problems. There are serious pros and cons for this. It's the creative ad agency internship that I got a few weeks ago, and here's the pros:

*It's my dream job. I've always wanted to work in a creative ad agency after seeing Brian on Queer As Folk. I would love to own one because I think that's so cool and it's just SO up my alley.

*They have offices in DC, NY, and London. Which to me, means relocation to Europe, paid for by the company! Wouldn't that be awesome? To be working my dream job and living in my dream city all at one time. I think I would just explode from happiness.

*It would look totally kick ass on a resume. To say that you have experience at an ad agency (and it's not a small town nobody one, either) is really good for anyone trying to break into the business. It's like getting an internship at Vogue. The only true way to break into that business is to know someone who knows someone and I thank God that I ran into and connected with Jim Morrisey. Turns out that dinner at Guapos back in July turned out to be a blessing in disguise.

*The company itself is just awesome from what I've seen. I've had an interview there, got a chance to meet up with some of the people there, and they're all so laid back and chill, that it kicks total ass within the federal government. No more of this hierachy bullshit. Which is always a good thing. It's located in Georgetown, which is as prestigous as you can get in DC, so that's good.

And so I think that's a good pro list. But I have to complete it with a list of cons as well.

*The pay. I know that I'm lucky that they're paying anything at all, but it's only 9.00/hr. That's crucial. Especially when I'm used to pulling in 15. So it would be a large cut to what I'm normally prepared for.

*The hours. They're only giving me a maximum ability to do 20-30 a week. Which is less than part time. Ugh. Makes the money situation even worse.

*The actual location. Whereas Georgetown is totally awesome and completely posh and all of that, Wisconsin Ave, where GMMB is located is completely located on a slope, no rather an angle that's totally crucial for someone for someone in a wheelchair.

And that's pretty much it. This decision is so totally crucial that I don't know what to think about it. I'm doing this because I want to believe that I can launch myself into the right career doing this. This is what I want to do. I could do this job for the next 40 years happily, I think and that's why I'm making all these sacrifices for this. I just hope this is the right decision. I have no way of knowing at this point.

I'm Shocked. Completely Stunned. This Weekend is Like Wow....

Okay well like I said, the weekend is shaping up to be the best one I've had in a long time. The funny thing is, I was thinking it was gonna suck after what happened on Friday. At my job, apparently the people in the upper management are starting to notice me being away from my desk. I don't feel too bad about what's going on because quite frankly I'm not the kind of person that can sit in a box all day doing one thing or another. But since they keep asking me for that, I'm not do anything that's gonna mess up what I've got now. So anyway enough of that. I'd rather talk about the good stuff.

So last week I met up Royce and he was cool peoples. He wasn't exactly what I was expecting and all, but I still had a good time when he came over. He was truthful in saying that he doesn't say much, which is okay but I'm the kind of person that I'm attracted to other people that can blaze like me. We can be like two fireworks in one room and the energy would be crazy. He's more like a candle. No. A tealight. But he's still cool. So yeah he was staying over in the room, and I didn't wanna go to work, so I just dragged around making myself intentionally horny so he'd pay attention. haha. it worked. So yeah that was really good and afterward, I got dressed and headed off to work where I picked up a new shirt, some pants, a summer scarf, some glasses, and some new shoes for Sunday. Can't wait to hang out with Julia. This is gonna be the NY equivilent in DC tomorrow. But...in an extreme twist of fate...I got the INTERNSHIP!!!! GMMB offered it to me via email on Friday. I'm shocked. I'd love to accept it but I've got to figure out how that's gonna work with my finances first. And on top of that, I just started chatting with this guy Joel on Adam4Adam, and we're talking and the next thing I know I'm taking intimate photos with my camera and now he's coming over for dinner tonight!!!! How lucky am I to have found a white and latino guy in an area full of black guys all in one weekend? Damn, I'm good. LOL.

I was watching the Olympics and I love gymnastics. I wish I could do that myself. It looks soooo cool. Michael Phelps is so fucking amazing! I have never seen anyone like that move through water. He's totally amazing. He has 7 of 7 gold medals and if he wins his last one, he'll make history forever. Well he already did. But yeah it's totally crazy. We all know USA kicks ass! But he is country than a motherfucker! lol. Oh I read that Britney is FINALLY getting her act together and coming out with a new album and everything and I'm so relieved. For a while, I wondered if she was gonna commit suicide. But anyway, I've gotta go to get these groceries so I can cook for Joel. LOL. More info later!

Warning: Steam Vent-These Are My True Feelings, Not Sparing Yours! That Goes For EVERYONE.

I'm so tired of so many things that quite frankly after yesterday I need to list them for my own damn good.

*I'm tired of having to explain myself to everyone that I'm interested in.

*I'm tired of having to give the disclaimer concerning CP to everyone that makes me hot.

*I'm tired of having people like at me in pity. If I come in the club to speak to someone hot, it's not a charity case. I was probably looking to fuck.

*I'm tired of them telling me it's complicated for them. They don't think it's complicated for me? Shit!

*I'm tired of people acting like it was a mistake to start talking to me in the club when they realize the wheelchair next to the booth I'm in is mine.

*I'm tired of only being hit on by guys 20 and 30 years older than me. I wanna chat with guys my age, and I don't find you attractive. Stay in your lane.

*I'm tired of having to think back to the only love I've ever known, knowing it wasn't reciprocated and hating myself for it.

*I'm tired of thinking of the person I call, and being sad when he doesn't call me back.

*I'm tired of wondering if they are thinking of me at all.

*I'm tired of people telling me they understand how I feel. No the HELL you don't. When you get disagnosed with something that alters your entire life, let me know. NOT when you end up that way due to something you did (and that goes for everyone who ended up in a car accident whether it was your fault or not). It is NOT the same.

*I'm tired of seeing perfect bodies everywhere I choose to look.

*I'm tired of buying really expensive clothing and having it ruined the first time I wear it since dirt gets all over the sleeves, and I can't help it.

*I'm tired of ruining perfectly beauitful shoes from crawling around.

*I'm tired of being given tasks in the office because I can't be an office mule like other people in there.

*I'm tired of being told I'm the other person, when they realize I'm in a wheelchair.

*I'm tired of going to functions having to explain myself and struggle just to get where everyone else is.

*I'm tired of giving 250%, when everyone gives 60.

*I'm tired of hot women asking me if I'm gay and hot guys not.

*I'm tired of the shocked looks I get when I go in the club.

*I'm tired of the angry looks I get from waitstaff when I come in a resturant.

*I'm tired of the apologies I get from everyone that has to move shit around so I can.

*I'm tired of not having the ability to jump on a cab and go anywhere I choose.

*I'm tired of having to plan out my everyday and making alternate plans when it doesn't work.

*I'm tired of having to make others who care about me listen to this.

*I'm tired of only being 22 and feeling like I'm 88.

*I'm tired of waking up tired, and going to bed the same way.

*I'm tired of thinking of the fact that there is NO way out.

*I'm tired of listening to how great it is to be in your 20's in the prime of your life. That's not true for everyone.

*I'm tired of having to act like I give a shit about disability policy. I wasn't raised around it, and it still makes me feel uncomfortable.

*I'm tired of how other disabled feel they can relate to me because we look like we're in a category. No YOU are. I am not.

*I'm tired of being myself so that everyone can understand. I want to blend in like everyone else at times.

*I'm tired of being so different that I can't be anyone but myself. I deserve to be in that fraternity as much as anyone else who's already there, regardless of whatever the FUCK you think.

*I'm tired of feeling overwhelmed all the time. Being a triple minority can really weigh on your thoughts.

*I'm tired of having people lie to me over the phone and online. When you say you're gonna be somewhere. Do it. Don't fucking bullshit and back out. It makes you uncomfortable, say so. If not, don't.

*I'm tired of the mindset that tells me to automatically look for ramps and curbcuts whenever I go somewhere.

*I'm tired of the fact that if I know I have many blocks to roll somewhere, I have to look at the ground the whole time to remind myself it's not THAT far.

*I'm tired of seeing guys I want to talk to all the time, but knowing before I speak what a waste of time it would be.

*I'm tired of being told I'm inspirational. I don't do it for that. I do it because there is no choice. What should I do, die?

*And finally, I'm tired of thinking that suicide is an option out. That's not really an option, but I'm tired of thinking about it so many times a day.