Change Is On the Wind....

Okay so I know this sounds kinda hopeful but in truth I really don't feel like it is. I bought Imogen Heap the other day and once again the bookstore delivers another wonderful product. It's rare the bookstore actually has magnificent music in his stock. There are a few instances though like that Paul Oakenfold CD I bought, and Michelle N'Ocellegeno or whatever and now Imogen Heap. Though I when I heard "Goodnight and Go" I knew I'd like her. But no, I finished Queer As Folk this morning and the show is officially over. It's hard to believe but it's finally through. I thought Brian and Justin were gonna finally get married but in the last episode they quit and Justin moved to New York. Linz and Melanie moved to Canada, Michael got his spleen taken out, he and Ben officially adopted Hunter as their new son, Emmitt found a new boyfriend after dumping the football player for the same reason I decided not to get involved with Craig, and Ted ended up with the same man from season 2, Blake. So in the end, everyone found someone except Brian, but that's the way he'd want it.

And this is bringing on problems for me. I've come to the realization that I don't like this. I don't like this at all. It's the fact that I hate the nights. I remember hearing in movies that the nights are always the worse, and they are. I think that's why I've fallen in love with Imogen Heap so hard. That song "Goodnight and Go" makes perfect sense to me. It's like all of the guys that I've ever seen that I've fallen for but couldn't have.

Why'd you have to be so cute?

It's impossible to ignore you...

Must you make me laugh so much?

It's bad enough we get along so well.

Just say goodnight and go.

She'd rather that her crush leave her alone and begone than to have to see her everyday and break her heart a thousand times a week. Sounds like what I'm going through. I hate having to crawl in bed alone with the cold sheets and the cold bed to have to take fifteen minutes to warm it back up again. I want someone here that I can grab on to. I want someone that I look at and lay down with without worrying about how someone else feels about it. I don't want to wait forever to have to do it either. I don't want to feel like I have to go to the gym and work on an impossible goal to try and attract the same sex, either. But with this damn wheelchair it's impossible to pull the attraction that I'm looking for. I'm mad that everyone seems to get the attention that they least expect. And when I go looking for something like that, everyone thinks I'm insane.

I hate the fact that I'm reduced to looking around on websites for people who are open-minded and don't mind many problems, because I have to explain my situation. I don't want to have to tell people that I have CP and can't walk. I don't want to have to explain what happened to me and why I look this way. I don't want to have to apologize for my skin color, and for my life and the way that it is. I don't want to think about beatings, and rantings, and ridiculous mess that people don't want to face up to. I just wish that I could turn around and there he'd be. Someone I don't have to say anything to. I just want to turn around have him realize everything there before I even open my mouth. So if there is a God, I know that he might not agree with everything that I'm doing, and if that's the case, if you don't like it, then change my mind!!!! Change my heart! Make me like girls! Make me forget about all the guys I've seen and fallen in love with! Make me become macho and stop looking at everyone like a piece of meat! You want me to be straight so bad? You're gonna have to work a miracle and change my mind! Otherwise....give me a fucking break.

And while it's on my mind, the auditions for the 3rd annual Fire and Ice Pageant are today. So that's interesting. I'll be looking for some interesting reactions to my madness. And tomorrow is the start of my pledge to Phi Mu Alpha. God I can't believe myself.