The Strains of the Mind

What is the measure of a person? How can one truly be defined? In the infinite ways that people are created and destroyed in all of that maelstrom of chaos, how can one person ever find out what they are really worth? Why are people defined by what they do? Isn't what you are enough? Better yet, what if you decide not to be anymore? What if you've lived your life by a certain creed, advocated your existance to something you thought you knew, and then you realize it was a mistake? Then what will you do? Honestly I'm lost at the moment. I'm not sure exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. I've been thinking about a lot of things lately since I talked with someone a little while back and I can't seem to get her comments out of my mind. I've never really sat and analyzed why I do some of the things that I do, but when I talked to her, she made me realize that some of my answers are a bit...skewed. So I don't know what to do. I'm not sure if I can continue living the way I want. It's becoming too...painful. Too many questions, too many memories, to many people wanting to know all the time. And in truth, it's just exhausting. I wake up every morning going to class feeling exhausted and I don't know why. It's just something I'm not used to. But I don't know how to fix it.

Ever since I talked to Miss Lisa and she got on me with all that gospel stuff, it's just been different. And the thing is it's not the gospel part that's getting me. That's not it. I've heard that a thousand times before. The part I don't get it when she asked me why I like what I like and I made it sound like a decision. So I'm not sure what to make of it. I mean I always that that it wasn't a decision that I made more of a natural choice. But then again I'm not sure. I mean what am I supposed to do? Just up and quit being gay one day? I mean I'm not sure I know how to be ultra-masculine and all of that. It's just not part of my nature. I just find it easier being me. But I'm not sure where that will lead me to or into, for that matter.

Angela Harvey came tonight at the school and did "That's Not Love, That's Stupid," which was quite excellent and I'm glad I went. She's very informative as well as being very entertaining. She talked about a lot of things that a lot of people on this campus need to hear quite desperately. And of course she hit on a lot of things that I needed to hear for myself personally. And I know now what I've known for a while now. I shouldn't have slept with Daniel just to appease myself. It was a stupid thing to do and it was unneccessary. I didn't need to fulfill myself like that and honestly I got nothing out of the deal. I slept with him out of fear that I was going to grow up and be a nobody because I didn't know what was going on in the world. It's one thing to be a certain age and claim you have no knowledge of the outside world. It's quite a difference when you know the intricacies of the world you live in and refuse to partake in it. But still. I only slept with him because I didn't want to be known as the 32 year old virgin or another Steve Carrell. It was a mistake, yes. But it's done and over. And I move on.

On the other side, I've met some interesting new people like Sandman (who's real name is Nick), Susanne, (the Charlize Theron wannabe), NaKeisha, Mike, Devonte, Shwag, Brad, the other Mike, Big Jon, Danielle, Porter, Clayton, Alex and Adam so this is turning out to be a rather eventful semester after all.

We tried to do our rehearsal last Wednesday to no avail thanks to the very annoying group that is NCNW, and because of their little group get together it ruined any chance we had of performing. According to two of the other girls, they claimed they thought it was at eight o' clock, (which is a lie, I told them repeatedly 9:30) and so they didn't show, and yeah it's getting kind of rocky. The Black and Gold Pageant went down this past week and from what I hear the reception isn't that great. I heard that the show was blown way out of proportion. Goes to show that complete crap will come out if you don't know what the fuck you're doing.