So yeah I just got back from rehearsal for the 1940's Radio Hour, and it's shaping up to be a pretty amazing show. I'm really happy that everything is coming together so well because a week ago I was seriously considering just backing out of the production before I turned around and embarressed myself in this mess of a show. However, it seems that time has proved the victor and the immience of the show has forced everyone to clean their act up and do better, so the show is looking pretty great. However that's not why I wrote this blog. No, I got a different kind of shock when I checked my email.
Okay, so I've been out of high school now for over three years now, and I don't tend to think about the people there that are inside of it, unless they play some kind of special recognition on my mind, and of those there are relatively few of them. Tell me why after all of this time I hear from of all people: Patrick Stone.
Patrick or "Trick" as he likes to be called, is one of those guys that I think has taught a really big emotional lesson about who you can get close to, and just who you can't. When I was in high school, I got to know him because he was in my Spanish class, I sat next to him and yes quite frankly he was absolutely gorgeous. So we started talking in class, and I found out how cool I thought that he was, and from there, it just got deeper when I sent him this message on the last day of class about how I really wanted to remain friends with him, and I wanted to get to know him better and all of that (this is particular painful for me to discuss). So yeah we started chatting after that, and I used to call him all the time, I can remember one of the happiest days I had was when I was talking to him all night over the phone, and how close we seemed. But after that, it was like everything ground to a halt, and he stopped calling, stopped talking to me, and just avoided me completely all together.
So when I realized this, I went on a complete emotional rampage, and he inspired me to go back to writing poetry for the first time in years. It was during this time, that I realized just how much he had hurt me with those simple actions. I remember even buying him a music book so he could publish the music that he liked to write for his girlfriend at the time, Natalie. But he completely blew me off like he had no clue who I was. After that, I devoted much of my heart to completely hating him and everything he stood for, and I felt that way for a long time. It wasn't until I was about to graduate high school that I realized (after I started watching Queer As Folk) that I couldn't go around with all the hatred in my heart for people that couldn't understand how I felt about him.
How do I feel about him? Well it's not a matter now, but back then I wanted someone that I could talk to about absolutely anything without hesitation, and I don't have that yet. I think it's a rare thing to have in this life. I have friends that I can break that total package in pieces to, but I don't think any of them could handle the full fury of me completely. I think the closest thing I have to that would be my friend Susanna, that I met in Germany last year. And I love her and thank God that I ran into her and made friends with her. But in truth, I want a man that I can do that with. Not that I don't enjoy being in company of girls, but I don't relate completely with them on that level, because I'm not a girl. So I wanted someone that I could that that could at least relate to me on a partial level. I thought that I could make that happen with someone like Patrick, but I realized after the whole fiasco with them that it's not something you can make happen. It either happens or it doesn't, and it's just simple.
But anyway, I do remember before I went to Germany, I made sure that he knew everything that was in my heart before I went across the ocean, not because I wanted him to feel the guilt trip, but rather I just wanted him to understand how serious he has been in my life. I don't think he still understands, and I doubt he ever will. But I thought I had forgotten about all of this stuff, and when I saw his message to me, the emotional levees that I had built against him and the whole high school memory thing just cracked and broke down. All at the sight of his name, I still get this nervousness that makes me wanna puke, and I don't know why. It's like no matter how much I tell myself to forget, I just can't. And believe me, I've tried.
It just makes me sadder when I think of all the things that happened in Germany and meeting Frank and all of that, and how wonderful he was, and I remember the one night that we watched a movie and how happy I was when he decided to stay over at my apartment, we laid there and held each other and then made love and feel asleep that night. It was...perfect. No other way to describe it. I miss that terribly and I miss Frank too. I have no idea what he's doing, or where he is, but I hope truly in my heart that he's okay. I can't thank him enough to befriending me, and showing me what real affection is. Okay I've got to stop now, or I'm gonna cry.
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