The S Word.

I don't even know how to phrase this really. I really don't like being melodramatic because whenever I see it, it just makes me roll my eyes, but I really can't think of any other way to put this. I have to admit I've been thinking about the concept of suicide quite a lot lately. Like everyday. Not really wanting to do it, because there's too much I enjoy doing to do something like that, but life in general is just really getting on my nerves. It feels like I'm literally spinning in place not going anywhere. Yes I'm in a new place but I can't even get out to see it. I don't have the money to go out and enjoy any of it, and I can't even convince half these people around here to take the time to go with me. This place is not conducive for positive thinking. Not at all. I need to be in a place like Germany where the people there aren't so judgmental, so harsh where I know that people aren't looking at me like some exhibit, if they choose to look at all. I just see all of this and it seems so unfair. I can't even go out and hang out at the clubs to try and meet people because I can't get into any of these places. And I'd be quite pissed to get there and still have to pay all this money to get in and its humiliating and frustrating and just wrong. It's like you try to ignore the concept of seeing people online because it makes you feel like shit when you check your messages 20 and 30 times a day because you have nothing better to do, and yet it still says 0. So you force yourself into situations you have no interest in, in places you shouldn't even be for something that lasts for an afternoon and afterward you feel like a fool the entire time. There's something very...cleansing about the fact of suicide. The fact that you could in fact just end it. Just stop all this worrying. All the loathing and hatred and the judgment and the comments and pestering and mentality in your head that says you're shit and that you're wasting away the best time of your life waiting for something that you don't even believe in. So I try to fight against that, and go and do things and be pro-active, be better in the hopes that it will get me noticed and I can get a better place in my life, but quite honestly at this moment I couldn't care if I was dirt broke without a high school diploma living on the very edge of poverty. If I had someone that I really loved with me, to wrap his arms around me every night and tell me its okay that'd be enough for me to keep living on if for nothing else beyond that. Is it so wrong to want? People tell me to go and live life and do things and be youthful but I feel like I'm looking at the world devoid of colour in complete black and white. It's hard to go and enjoy yourself when you are constantly reminded that in everything you do you are completely alone. I hate it. I hate every moment of it. It makes me sick to my stomach that I have to do everything differently. It makes me want to shut myself away in my room and lock the door and stop eating until I waste away from hunger and weakness. It's just frustrating to try and fight against what seems so inevitable and so ridiculous that you're wasting time. It all just seems so futile. And I'm tired. I am.