It's Killing Me Slowly...It's Like an Internal Disease....

Oh god, this is like a disease. It's so annoying that it physically hurts. Like literally, the side of my stomach is hurting from the thought of it. It's like it's a constant buildup there is no release from. There are so many things I could say to at least three different people, and there's so many things that I wanna do, but I know, without a shadow of a doubt that if abanonded my care, it would hurt me so much that I'd rather live with the pain. There are thoughts that flood my mind and they come on the tip of my tongue and I wanna say them just to try them out, but I know that I cannot. I can't even bring myself to form the words. Since this is the public version I can say that you know when you get to know people and you aren't fallin in love with them, but rather you wanna try different things on them just to see how they'd react? Saying something that you know wouldn't ordinarily be accepted just to see what they would do? When you like someone so much but you know without a shadow of a doubt that you can't be with them? There's where I am at this minute. I can think of at least one person to whom whenever I see them time literally slows down, and I can hear the wind blowing in my ears, and I can see in my mind being with them and seeing the look on people's faces, and in my mind it is worth more than a trillion dollars at this very minute, just to be with someone you enjoy. I am not going to say love because I do not love anyone like that, and I never intend to say that more than once in my lifetime. And I kow that some people who read this are going to be like "What you're in love?" No. that's not it. I simply really enjoy this person's prescence. But it is completely in vain because even though I could easily open myself up to them, it would be like a dagger thrust through the chest of our relationship, adn that would hurt me worse than anything else. So for now, it's a terminal illness that I have to suffer with slowly. And unforetunately for those of you who are actually reading this, it's annoying but I'm going to name precisely who I'm talking about and how they feel in the next blog. But I can't open that. I just can't. Forgive me.