The Key to the Lock....

The Key To The Lock....
DateSaturday, September 24, 2005 at 11:57PM

Alright then. Here's to eternal damnation. Or at least that's the way it feels. I have been trying my best to get these feelings out of my head since school started back in August and unforetunately, I just can't do it. And I can feel the depression coming. This time it hit really hard to the point where I didn't even go to my classes for most of this week. I just completely had no energy. To the point where I didn't go to the caf, I didn't really leave my room. And what makes it worse, I even missed a test that we had in Psyche class. In truth, I know what's wrong with me, and I'm trying my best to fight it. I'm about to have a giant wave of depression sweep over me, and I don't want it to happen. It's like trying to fight off a tidal wave with sandbags. But everywhere I look around nowadays just continually brings me sadness. And to make matters worse there's Erik.

I don't know. I don't know the best way to describe this. It's like ever since I met him over the summer it's had like some kind of cosmic fingerprint over my life. He makes me feel mystified, like I can't see straight when I'm around him. At first, it was like it always is when I meet someone new. It was just a lust thing cause he's fine as hell, but now it's more than that. It's making me mad, because I know I can't say anything. If I were to tell him exactly how I feel when I see him, well I already know the ending to that story. It would either a very negative response because I truly believe that he is straight like he says, but to me I don't see the problem with admiring someone strictly for who they are regardless of their sexuality. But if he didn't curse me out (and not verbally mind you, but for him it would be more a mental thing) he would have an indifferent kind of response, and that would hurt me too, because he didn't get mad. But then again, I guess I don't really know what I want. Cause he even he was gay and he didn't care if I asked him about seeing himself with another guy, even if he in another life had asked me to be with him, I don't know if I could. I mean, he's just sorta out there, and not nearly as fine-tuned as I would've imagined myself being with someone, and that's one thing that I'm not going to subject myself to. I refuse, and I REFUSE to submit myself to someone just because I feel a certain way and I want someone with me. That's not fair to them and it's not to me either.

This Erik dilemma is a repeat of the same shit that happened in high school with Patrick Stone, to which he appeared out of the blue like he always does, and my heart broke all over again. I'm crying now just looking at his name, because that's how bad he hurt me inside. I remember feeling sooo bad after we spoke because I knew what was going on. And I promised myself that I wouldn't do that again, and I'm not going to. I remember I did all this work and did all I could to try to faciliate some kind of relationship with Patrick that was meaningful, and something I could come back to when everyone else was trying to break me down, and just when I thought I had built this solid wall of rock, the rock turned out to be sand, and a wave hit, and it broke everywhere. And it made me soo mad. I'm wondering about myself the whole time. Is it that just I'm just attracted to guys who just supposedly straight? I don't know, but I dont' think that's it at all.

I think it's more of the fact that I've never actually met a gay guy who that I've been attracted to. Of course there's the physical looking factor, and it's true that many of the gay guys that I know are very cute looking, but in the end that's really all that it is. There's really nothing else going for them. Once you get past the fact of looking at them for eight hours a day, it just gets annoying. When you try and ask them a question about the political situation in America today, they just look at you with this blank look and have no clue what you're talking about. In truth, I thought that completely about Erik. The fact that when you're talking about something besides girls and soccer, he gets this look on his face like he doesn't know what the hell you're talking about. And then he told me about his situation with his dad and the soccer, and I could understand why he was asking me for help. Cause my original intention was simply to do one paper and leave. But then I understood what it was. And I helped out and caused him to pass because of it.

But then I thought about it. If the only thing he's good at is soccer, what would happen to him if say he couldn't play anymore? Or if like he did the second day of school, he broke his ribs? And now, he's walking around looking really sad, but I did warn him in advance, and it's not a big shock, because I told him what would happen.



But I still felt really bad for him because of what happened. He looks so sad walking around, and it makes me feel bad to watch him walk around. So I do my best to cheer him up. Well between me and that bitch Chris, then we'll do something. And I'm sooo mad that that bitch is trying to snap up my spotlight and everywhere I look on that damn page I see him. If he wants to try it, then let him. But regardless, I just spent quite a bit of time getting to know Big Kevin, and I think I understand him a whole lot better now. I'm not going to post any of his info, because even if someone was to find this info and work their way through the encryptions, I would be destroyed but I'm not gonna take someone else with me.

But I think I'm done ranting for now. Until next time.