3 Truths and a Wedding

Well this weekend certainly has been just a big ole ball of ups and down now hasn't it? It's so funny because when I think about what I THOUGHT it was gonna look like, and what it turned into, reality is so vastly different from the truth.

Where to start? So. I met this guy the other day. I don't even know how to go into this because it's still really twisted and whatnot, but let's just suffice to say that we'd been talking for a few days and I was really liking the persona of the person and was looking forward to meeting him in person. I met him, and I was happy. He was pretty much what he seemed to be, although it's always weird. Whenever I'm dealing with people in the health industry (whether it's doctors, nurses, therapists, etc. and at this point I've dealt with all three AND EMS personnel) I always am on my guard because things always get weird around them. The doctor wanted to have bareback sex with a stack of condoms lying untouched nearby (didn't happen.) The nurse got all freaked out when he offered me a massage because my legs were smaller and less muscle-y (it's not a word, I KNOW) than he expected. But it's weird. People ask the stupidest questions sometimes. I remember one I got from a guy I was seeing for a few weeks, when he asked me one time when we were going to have sex,
"So like, why is your body all shaped that way?" well....let's see dumbass. You try crawling around for 20+ years and see what it does to your body. And it's not even out of choice. It's just a much easier way to get around because quite frankly, people's houses are usually not accessible, which would severely limit where I could go, and what I could do.

But anyway, I digress. I met the guy we had a good conversation that lasted some cray 8 hours. That's gotta be a good sign right? I thought so. Usually a good step. Means you enjoy the company of the people you're with and you don't think they're boring or embody the spirit of a tea candle. That being said, I knew something was up when I was texting playfully to make sure nothing happened and got the curt response, "I'm good. Going to bed. Nite." And this isn't the first time I get cut off, so I'm like whatever. The next day? Nothing. Which I knew in advance because of events that were planned but we'd usually spoken everyday for at least five seconds. Nothing. Nodda. So Sunday, I text. Nothing. I Facebook and practically get told off.

Now what's funny about this situation is that he has repeatedly told me that he refuses to date people below a certain age for whatever reason, and I kept thinking it had something to do with mentality or  the fact that they can't relate or whatever. I didn't even consider for a moment that some people apparently want someone who is at a certain status coming in from gate one. Now I'll be the first to admit that life certainly has not gone according to plan for me. Yes, I finished school got my degrees, and did everything I was supposed to do, but I ended up having to swim and keep my head above water for close to three years. Now that everything is falling into place, I can finally start slowly to rebuild my life the way I intend for it to be from now on. That doesn't mean I'm there. Nowhere close. I don't even have a fucking bedframe yet. I'm working on it, but no, I don't have one. Or a trashcan. My money goes where it's needed most. Rent. Utilities. Groceries. In that order. I think that he may have thought I was something else when he came over.

Which leads to me to the first truth. Did I fuck up? Yes. I got way too comfortable with a total stranger when i shouldn't have, and it may have cost me. He's a fun guy, but clearly he had ideas about what needed to be going on beforehand and when they didn't met his expectations, he started questioning them. I don't know if I'm going to hear from him again or not, but if I spend more time thinking about it, I'll get mad at myself again and I don't wanna do that.

The second truth: I should have prioritized and bought a fucking heater. That WILL be purchase numero UNO. I forgot what November in DC is really like.

and the third truth: I went to a wedding tonight. The highly anticipated union of John Fazakerly and John Jowers, which I guess means there's a hyphen in there somewhere now, haha. It was really really nice. Of course, when John F is coordinating, something tells me he was BRIDEZILLA for sure, but it turns out really great. The ceremony was really touching, and it got me to thinking about what may or may not be for me one day. Do I ever see myself down an aisle? Yes. Soon? At this rate, nope. I'll be married one time and that's it. But I did realize something. I really have gotten to the point where I don't like crowds. I really don't. I'm not a fan of loud music, or a lot of bodies in a small space. In the past, it really didn't bother me, and I could just roll around and make small talk with whomever. Granted, this was back in college, and I knew a lot of the people there, and could find a reason to talk with them. These days? I don't have anything to talk about with strangers. It just feels awkward and forced. Which makes me feel awkward, and I'm not used to feeling that way. I don't really like it, but I much prefer quiet and intimate social gatherings with less than 10 people. Granted, this month is really not the time to be griping about it, as I have no less than THREE Thanksgivings to attend, but still.

Well onto tomorrow, the last day of my very long extended vacation. What will I do to celebrate? Probably get as much sleep as humanly possible. I know I'm going to miss that part. Oh, and ARTPOP came out. 8.5/10. I'm in love with the first half of the CD, the second half will have to grow on me. But I love Gaga for being Gaga. She gives me everything.

(Taps Fork on Glass) *Dingdingdingding!* Attention Ladies and Gentlemen....The Struggle is Officially OVER!

Well if you want to be technical about it, the struggle never OFFICIALLY stops. It won't stop until I'm buried dead in the ground, and even then whoever I leave behind will still be struggling in some sense of the word. But at least, in this instance, for me, there has been a catacysmic shift in karma and LORD am I ever thankful for it.

I. Got. A. Job. And not just any job, oh no. Not a, sitting at home making $9.50 an hour answering the telephone because I'm actually on my computer looking through job opportunities and this is how I pay my rent, type of job, but an actual career. It's so weird. I will be able to go into parties, and meet random strangers on the street and sip wine in a bar making casual conversation with random passersby when they ask that horribly ubitiquious question that DC'ers are oh so famous for: "So WHAT do you do?" not, "HOW do you do," because quite frankly they could give a flying fuck on how you feel, (and that's just the God's honest truth in this ridiculously polarized city) but just because they're more interested in where you are on the corporate ladder. A part of me always wonders whether or not people ask that question because they're secretly interested in trying to figure out if they can somehow use you to go higher on their particular totem pole of life, thereby using you as a footstool as they move up, but I know that's horribly cynical and I really would rather not think like that. But it would be remiss of me not to at least mention it. Cause, you know, the thought is there.

Anyway, I digress! After my last post, where I might or might not have mentioned the fact that I had just a had job interview for this position, it was a whirlwind two months of back and forths, and unlimited waiting as the old person left and the new person came in and I was in for yet more interviews and writing samples and background investigations and the whole nine, but at the end of ALL of it, Ruben Gonzales, the head of the Development Department at the National Office of United Cerebral Palsy offered me the position of Manger of Institutional Giving with a really nice starting salary, and of course, I accepted. So now there it is. I can be a productive member of American society once again, no longer a Welfare Queen making Marco Rubio's life so much easier by labeling myself as one of his infinite statistics.

That being said, everything is going to change. I'm glad I got a chance to watch the entire series of Ugly Betty because I feel like that is what I'm going to channel in this new position. Granted while I am NOTHING like her, I admire the fact that she was willing to do any and everything for her position and people in power recognized that, though it didn't come immediately. It took her four years but she ended up in amazing places doing amazing things and I think that's wonderful. So I think I will channel that. But I will also channel Olivia Pope because well....she's Olivia Pope and she handles everything. No matter how crucial or ridiculous, it gets handled. And that's....awesome.

                              += EPIC

On a different note, last night I watched this movie on Netflix called "Morgan." I don't really know why I was watching it to begin with. I saw what it was about which was a gay athlete who becomes paraplegic after a biking accident who's trying to find acceptance in his new body. I clicked it thinking I could get some tips on how to deal with the gay community and the whole ableism thing but it just ended up being a colossal waste of time. Why? The FIRST person he sees while on his way to get drunk in sorrow was some guy on a basketball court who proceeds to randomly ask him out and become the love of his life. GIVE. ME. A. FUCKING. BREAK. Is real life like that? Is it really? Cause if so, I swear I must live in an alternate Silent Hill universe where people are overly rude and insensitive, where you have to go to other countries to find some real sort of affection because the people here think you're just sucking up their healthcare and their pity.

I wish I weren't so cynical. But life makes you grow some kind of skin, or else you kill yourself. That's about all there is to it.

Rating: 3/10 Over it. 

But Why You Wouldn't To?

This was the question I kept being asked today by a family member as we sat outside her front porch just talking. Let me start by saying that for those of you who don't know this already, my family is rather religious. My grandfather is a pastor and for many years ran a small church in the backwoods of Georgia, along with my grandmother who was the Church Mother. They in turn, kept telling my father that the calling of the Lord was on his life to be a pastor, and like Jonah, he fled all the way to the other side of life just trying to find a way to live his own life.

I find this incredibly ironic, considering how hellbent they've been in trying to ensure that I lead a life that is rather close to the one that they've decided for me, but hey, they're parents so what can you do? All of that is irrelvent to my point in this particular blog. I bring that up because our conversation started out rather innocently enough. We were talking about my upbringing and how nice it was that being black and growing up in nice white neighborhoods, I got exposed to a lot more things than many people in my same situation. But then, we started talking about my disability, and others might see us with it.

I was once told, that my disability has essentially shaped my family and that by my having it, it has changed the way that everyone in my family operates. In one such opinion, my Cerebral Palsy was responsible for the fact that my brother has grown to be really introverted. Apparently as the bigger brother, it was MY responsibility to teach him things like baseball, football, flirting with girls and how to drive a car, none of which I currently do.

That was how things started.

Then the conversation turned to how perhaps all of these things could've changed if perhaps I didn't have a disability, or more aptly, how if when I was growing up, if I had worked harder to become like a normal person (her words) then I could've done those things after all. And NOW we get to where things started to get heated.

Let me take a minute and say that when I was growing up, my parents used to take me to Shriner's Hospital a lot, and during those visits, the doctors repeated over and over (and I heard more times than I care to admit) that medicine could only do so much. That it was MY responsibility to do the excersizing and to endure the pain of physical therapy and so on and forth. That I had to WANT to walk like everyone else. But even as she was talking, something hit me. Why was she so fascinated on why I wanted to be like everyone else? As a person with Cerebral Palsy, what if I had instead, wanted to embrace the ideal that I was a person with a disability? Couldn't I have gotten therapy for THAT instead? And it came to that all-defining moment in which the title of this blog is, when she asked me: But why? Why Wouldn't You Want To Walk?

And this is the problem. Her question echoes the fundamental problem with society today. As she sat there looking at me with an absolutely puzzled expression on her face, I countered back, "What's wrong with being me? Being a person with a disability?" To which she responded, "But who would WANT to have a disability? I wouldn't want my child to have a disability." Now I'm not going to sit here and sat that I would want my child to be born with disability, but the way in which the answer was framed was put in such a way that would signify that to have a child with a disability, was to have something that was broken, or incomplete, or marred in such, that it was beyond the reach of living a normal life.

I stress that my family member did not mean anything by her responses. They were simply questions she uttered in the moment, and I realized that she is simply repeating what she hears from everyone else. In America, I think we need to have another conversation about disability. Not with doctors and insurance companies and therapists about how to fix a person's life, but rather we need to have a conversation with the PERSON to decide what it is they want to do.

It's a lot like when I was performing with the gay men's chorus that I sing with in D.C. in June. The artistic director refused to let me lay on the stage with everyone else (who was on the floor) because he felt, that by leaving me in my wheelchair, that he was in fact, "doing me a favor." I feel like this is essentially the attitude that the medical profession has when assessing someone's condition when it comes to them having a disability (and I mean this strictly in terms of the disability. If a person is born with a congenital heart defect, then OBVIOUSLY that person needs medical intervention.)

But I told her that if I were a parent, and my child had a disability, depending on the severity and the type of disability, when my child reached a certain age, rather than force various types of therapies, drugs and equipment on them, I'd prefer to have a candid conversation about the nature of the disability and their life. What did THEY want? What would I have to do as a parent to ensure that they had the life fulfilling to THEM? I just feel that people should be asking about how they can help a person feel their best, instead of how they be the perceived version of NORMAL.

OK.

So this is the part where I talk about inconsistent things have been, and thats what life is right now. Inconsistent. Without a house, without a job, without steady income, who knows? It's all just liable to up and fly away at any given moment without a hint of a warning.

That being said, this is the beginning in the new year, and I have been trying to make some much-needed changes. So much has changed since the last post, that its kinda hard to keep track of it all, but I endeavor to do so, so that I have some record in the future when I want to look back some things and see how my life has progressed while I attempted to keep track of it.

I left Raleigh in November, (I was supposed to leave in October, but I got really sick from an allergy infection and ended up having to pay mom and them back 400 bucks for a new chair, so that didn't happen.) But I left, and went down to Florida to see Jessica and the crew for awhile, which was nice. The weather down in Orlando is godly and wonderful, and many times I would just look out the window and see palm trees and that lake and think about how peaceful it was.....until I heard Jess and her mother screaming at each other, or Jess screaming at Je'Lynn or Jess screaming at Eli, or Sue screaming at Eli or Jess or Steve....(see a pattern forming here?) I thought maybe I could stay there for a bit, but the month of November showed me how wrong that was.

Then mom and them moved to Lithia at the beginning of the month to their new house, which is really nice. I'm happy that their officially Floridians, although who knows how that will affect the rest of us as family members. I mean maybe we'll get stuck having to pay that bitch off or something, if we're trying to work out the finances and the real estate values of property when they die or something. But anyway, they moved, and I came to see them at the condo at the early part of December, and decided that I wasn't planning on coming back to the House of Madness, and that was during the time that I met Nick down in Kissimmee.

Hold up, let me back track. Before that, there was Willis, and Juan, and David, whom I liked, and Brian and THEN Nick. Yes, all that in a month period. I was kinda popular. Which was cool. But yes, Brian I still talk to, and he's cool. He's from Greensboro but he's a completely tool and totally arrogant which pissed me off to the damn core. Apparently he used to be a huge whore back in the city and everyone got wind of it, so he had to move. But I mean, I wasn't even sure what was going on down in Florida, but it was like one went from Madonna to Mother Theresa, and I wasn't down with that.

Anyway, I met Nick at the condo when I was visiting with mom, and he came and took me to choir rehearsal and we met up afterward and hung out. Stuff.....happened. But I mean, I was thinking I might be able to chill with him while I was getting myself together because Jess and I were talking about the fact that we might get a place together and we set about doing that, and even got approved at a beautiful apartment complex there in Sanford. And then I was hanging out with Nick and all the bombs started dropping. He told me he was a convicted sex offender....and an ex-convict.....and then I find out after I come back to Raleigh for Christmas break that he's also HIV positive. Too much, too soon. So I had to break that one off, and I'm glad I did.

But I was back hanging with Matt and trying to figure out what the next step was, and proceeded to get in touch with Julia and work my way back up to DC, which is where I am now. The apartment with Jess fell apart because she wasn't comfortable with the fact that I was looking for work outside of the state, and I told her I didnt really wanna be in Orlando anyway, but that I would keep paying for the place if I left. But she didnt wanna hear that part, so I just didnt come back.

So yes, now I'm here in DC and this has its own set of issues, from men that keep trying to set stuff up and disappearing like damn slow flakes, to the fact that Julia is like trying to pseudo hit on me, and its becoming like a freak show all over again. I hope this isn't the sequel to the show, because I really don't know if I can deal with that right now.

Tomorrow, I shall attempt regale you of a story about what my mother was saying to me over the phone about how I could force myself to fuck Julia and have a weird ass relationship and about the sexy South Aftrican that I met at the games club tonight.

A Bolt of Lightning

Finally some good news! Thank God! Truly. I have no choice but to thank him sincerely and utterly because it just came out the blue. And no, it's not a job offer, though I do believe that's coming in due time. I'm saying this because it had gotten to the point where I literally had to go to my parents' house to beg them for the money to make rent for August (and how I HATE to do that) because I just can't deal with TeamTech anymore and I still have to make it to September before the Disability stuff kicks in.

And actually I don't think that was mentioned. So yeah back in February I lose my job and try to get back on SSI but can't because they tell me they have to do a disability redetermination or whatever the hell that is, because of my work history and all that, basically to see if I'm still "disabled enough" to receieve benefits. Well I think this is the stupid thing ever because obviously my disability is lifelong (unless they start working on those stem cells with a quickness.) So yeah they've been trying to decide what to do. About three weeks ago I get a letter saying that they've decided to let me come back on the system and that my payments will start in September for my disability. So that's where that comes from.

So I've just been trying to make it through to Septembe to make sure I have everything I need and with our lease ending then as well, we've got to decide on the next phase. So yeah. Basically with no money coming in, I wasn't sure what to do and I went to mom and them asking them for advice and for help. Turns out, God had something different in mind. Apparently, like the lady has told me before, I qualify for both SSI and SSDI income and disability but I never had the first one because I had no work history and hadn't paid into it. Now I have so now I can have both. Well out of the blue SSI came through and put a cute 600 into my account yesterday. Which is literally right in the nick of time. Now I can pay for August rent, and be perfectly good to go, which will be great. And it makes my life so much easier, because now I can just focus on looking for work and not being so damned stressed all the time, and not having to put up with the horribleness that was telemarketing. I appreciate the little money they gave me but god, it's not worth it.

More on that in the next blog.

Here Comes The Sun....

And no, I'm not talking about that ancient 70's music song, but for some reason that's just been stuck in my head the last few days ever since I've been making the comparison between seventies horror flicks and the modern ones (ie, "The Last House on the Left.) I just watched the remade version of "I Spit on Your Grave" and good lord was it brutal. But it was really good. But enough of that. I didn't come here to talk about movies right now.

So...I've got a new job that starts tomorrow. Yay!!!!.....right? Um yeah. I guess. Last week was really interesting because I was sending out resumes and stuff as usual and I decided to go in and see this company called Vector because they asked me to come down that day for an interview. So I have Shon drop me off at 1:30 because he has to go to work. So I'm waiting around in their lobby for two hours until my interview at 3:30 and during the two hours, I'm hearing people on the phone and their calling up a billion people saying they didn't come in for training or that they didn't go and make their sales, or someone's grandmother saying that this person isn't interested and or anything. I knew pretty much then that it was gonna be shit. But I decided to stick around anyway because you never know what can happen.

I was thinking well obviously with my being in a chair and sitting here and everyone can see me, and whatnot, then if I can't do the door-to-door thing then maybe they'll have something else in mind that I can do. But....no. Sure enough I go in for the interview, and bam she tells me that it's not gonna work with me being in the chair and all and so I leave looking and feeling stupid and talked to the secretary for a few minutes and she said she would be on the lookout for some phone work or something.

So after hanging out with Qasim and Katryna for the afternoon (which is always fun) I go home and prepare to possbly go to another open interview the following day near downtown Raleigh. I get up and I'm like, "ehhh...I don't know, yesterday was a complete bust. " But whatever. Get dressed, get down there and discover the following:

The job is working with a diabetes company that gets senior citizens to switch their current plans over to ours, and we get a percentage for everyone that switches. They don't pay for anything (Medicare does) and so I'm thinking not half bad. And she offers the job to everyone in the room, which is great. Soooo this is what I'm supposed to be doing starting tomorrow. But I'm more than slightly nervous. Me being on th phone has never been....easy, though once I start, it's very easy to continue, I just gotta start the right way. Granted I've gotten a billion times better since I was in college, cause I couldn't hardly answer the phone back then, and I think it will be slightly easier because they don't really do incoming calls, we just do outgoing which is easier for me.

But I'm not in a position to be fucking up. Rent is due in two weeks and I've gotta be able to do this job fairly well in order to make it meet. Technically if I do this job for a month then I'm looking at hopefully anywhere from 1800 to 2500 in the month, which would be great. But we shall see. So I'm gonna spend tonight studying the words and packet to know what to say, and I will update you tomorrow evening with the results of what's gonna happen.

The Moon is in Aquaris

Whatever the hell that means. lol. So after the last post, there's a lot of things changing super fast, and I'm quite sure I'm ready for everything that will happen within the next three weeks. So let's see. I applied for a job from Craigslist at this IT firm RainKing, then got an email to do a test, then got a phonecall for said test and scheduled an interview the following week.

On the way to said interview, I get another email from the executive director for NCIL (the National Council on Independent Living) saying they want me to come in for an interview to be an analyst.

So I went to the interview, which I found fairly easily (I love DC metro for that) and it went really, really well I think. If all goes, as planned, they claim they will let me know of a decision in two weeks and if I'm offered a position, I will move there and start life over yet again but in a good way. So there's that.

And now I'm trying to figure out what to do about Stephen as after talking with Katyrna and Qasim, I'm not sure of the motivation. I know that relationships are hard. I get that. But if you're not even willing to put in the effort IN THE BEGINNING what makes me think I'll get anything if we start? It's just confusing. But I know what thing. When June comes, I shall have answers to it all.

In the Total Eclipse

I haven't been able to bring myself to touch this in a while because the eclipse is still going on. As I said before, getting fired from my job really did a number on me and my psyche, and I'm still trying to process this and it's three months later. Ridiculous, right? Well thus is life I suppose. I've had some interesting things happen since though. Um....I got in a huge argument with my parents over the whole being gay thing yet again and afterward, I told them that I'm never going to church with them ever again, that was pretty big.

It felt so weird saying that too. I mean I grew up in church. I think the majority of my memories from childhood are being in the church because I guess if you're black and not in the ghetto that that's where you go. I don't know. I know that I spent a large part of my time there, and it makes me feel like it was to no avail. I think I agree with the MSN report that said that forcing religion on to children has no place because it doesn't change whether or not your child is going to end up as Mother Theresa or as Dexter.

But I told them I wasn't going and right on the outskirts of Easter. So it was weird when my brother (always the ever-dutiful one) got up and went and I chose to sit here and stare at the sunshine. And it was fine. There was no lightning bolts, no wrath of Hell, just peace and quiet.

So in other news, still no work, though I've been putting in applications left and right like a mad person. I'm just hoping something pans out quickly. Who knows how all of this will end up. I don't know. I'm just trying to think about it one day at a time. And it's really disconcerting how the whole concept of going to school is supposed to help you to be a better person and to get you the job you deserve, but that doesn't look like it would be the right thing. Who knows.

I've started seeing a lot of old friends these days, went to hang out with AJ of all people a few days ago, and I had to reaccess myself when he called me a few weeks ago. That situation is....complicated. I mean I think it's really interesting how people can just act like nothing was wrong for years and years go back to talking about you, when just the sight of their face makes you want to punch them on the spot. And I know I'm guilty of this. I wanted to knock AJ out for years after that mess with the Iraqi conflict. I hated myself for it, I wrote poetry and short stories about it, and it made my life miserable that the the fact that a person who you know for 13 years can just up and throw your friendship away on some bullshit. But he called me and I didn't have time to go into it, and I didn't feel like it. Will I ever tell him? I don't know. Maybe never is the right time. Maybe he never has to know. But it's just awkward being in his prescence again. Speaking of awkward, while there, I found out that John Smith, our old friend was convicted of child molestation or something and is now serving time in Virginia. Ugh. You think you know someone and...you don't.

The Eclipse part one

So what constitutes an eclipse then? A moment of total darkness followed by a sliver of light moving it's way across the sky? If that's an appropriate way of looking at it, I suppose this week would very easily fit into that mold as I lost my job at Alliance on Friday afternoon. How did this happen might you ask? Have I ever been fired from a position before? Well...no...and I can honestly say having it happen for the first time sucks ass. It's like someone has just hit you upside the head with an emotional sledgehamer and you totally didn't see it coming. I know I was blindsighted like hell.

Basically I went in like I usually do, met Sierra at Southeast, how fitting in that since it was the last time I was going to go, that I'd have to take the bus all the way over and find my way around for the first and last time. I should also mention that when I went there, I was dropped off by the bus some three blocks away from the actual school down the street and it was downhill as well which also sucked. So I found my way having to roll uphill heaving and grinding against the street (Sierra claims that she was trying to get her camera phone out so she could tape the spectacle of watching me climb like a wheelchair athlete) and I get almost to the top when this car stops and this woman gets out and asks me if I need assistance. Before I can properly reply she comes over and starts pushing me up the last block and fine, yes it was nice to have her assistance though it wasn't neccessary. When I finally get to the top, I thanked her and her husband was asking me my name. His name, I found out was Mayo. And he told me that he had some wheelchairs at home that he might let me have. Granted this was two days ago, and I haven't heard from him at all, but I think I might give him a buzz tomorrow and see what, if anything he's come up.

So anyway, we do class as usual, and when we get to the office it was business as usual on a typical Friday afternoon. Let me back up a moment.

I was out for the majority of last week because I actually caught strep throat from Jay of all people (who I knew I shouldn't been kissing on but whatever) and so I was out of work for the week. I get a random email from Cindy Lewis, who is the director of Programs at MIUSA (yeah remember them?) telling me they have this new position Exchange Program Coordinator position open and that she's thinking of me for it and wants to know if I'm interested. Well obviously I'm interested but I'm working for Rene. So I convey this in an email to her the next day and I'm trying to find out what, if anything I can do. So when I ask her when it has to be filled the next day, she says as soon as possible. So I'm trying to figure out what the hell to do when on Friday I send her my resume and make mention of my situation in it.

She emails me back and says they will review the info and will let me know their decision by next week.

In a Bit of Downtime...

So alright I'm here in the office and today started out kinda hectic as such as it's Thursday, and you know what that means???

Duh duh dah dunnnnnn!!! BROUGHTON!!

Yeah. That's my personal favorite. (not.) And so we packed out and headed over there a few minutes late as Shahin, the Rehabilitation student was here and went to the high school. Not bothering to check in I headed straight for the classroom to discover (as not in unusual fashion with Broughton) that today wasn't even a combined day as they told me, or maybe it was, but it surely didn't look like it. We were talking like 10 students today. Usually? It's 40. Apparently Broughton was wayyyy off its A game. But that wasn't surprising.

After going through my usual spiel of previous classes, when we got ready to break off into groups, two of the girls decided they didn't want to go with the program and just sat there. I tried to get them to move for about two seconds and decided it wasn't worth the effort moving about my business. The funny thing about this being we had talked about this as a class last week for awhile and I tried to get them to understand the fact that as a part of OCS they were labelled and that the school was just waiting for them to act out. They didn't quite seem to understand it but that's alright. Maybe one day. Again, I have to go. Later.

Huh....well THAT was interesting.

So I'm sitting here in a combination Huddle House/Greyhound bus station (though station implies that there's actually a place to do anything, whereas this is just a hallway that's attached to the Huddle House, so....yeah) and I just came back from making this uber spontaneous decision to come down and visit this guy Bobby that I've been talking to for the last few days, because I wanted something to do. Let's go through what he said, and what the reality actually is:

He said:

*He works in the hospital as medical administration.

The truth:

*He does work there, but part time he works at Taco Bell and he said it was for more income so he could turn around and do things that he wanted to do. That might be the case, but hmmm given this area...I don't know.

He said:

*He lived in Goldsboro and that I could come down and visit.

The truth:

*He does live here yes. However what he neglected to mention is that he lives with his sister and her boyfriend (and sometimes her son) in a 3 bedroom trailer and that there was barely any room for me to be around there, let alone trying to do something.

Gotta go for the bus. Update later.

A Giantly Stuft Update

Okay then bloggy. Its been a minute since I was truly able to come back and deal with you like I should, but then again I have my moments when I try and deal everyday with this, and then I forget or lack the energy to really come and document like I should. The important thing is that I continue to come back and say what matters so I will.

With that, lets see. Whats happened since August 2nd? hmmm....well for one thing, Im longer in London (oh and by the way if I dont have any apostrophes in this blog its because Im using the new netbook I got from ebay and the key is way far away.) Anyway, yes I left London on August 4th and returned back to the land I understand. At least a little more than I do the UK, but Im not going to lie. I do kinda miss London but I miss individual parts of London most. I miss Trafalgar Square and the amazing art museum there, and I miss all the hot guys walking around every five seconds. Most of all I miss my friend Chimba. She was so cool and so nice, so Ill have to see what I can do about getting her over here as fast I can cause I need more Chim in my life.

Anyway got back after a terrible flight home (I think I had some kind of throat infection that was killing me on the plane; Literally I had to chew four and five aspirin over an eight hour flight just to swallow) but got home and headed over to Matts, which is technically where Ive been staying since I got here. I had made plans to head to DC and I bought my train tickets and everything, even went as far to get Mom and them to buy my Praxis ticket and a test book and I was studying for the test and everything preparing to come up and do what I needed to do for this interview, and that was until....Michael.

So Im hanging out with Shon and we head over to the $1.50 theatre to check out a bunch of movies I never got to see, and we saw the new Karate Kid, which was really good (Jayden got his ass BEAT but then he came back hard.) And were getting ready to leave when Shon sees Moms car in the parking lot, so we head back inside and find them in "Letters to Juliet." So we watched it and afterward, were out in the parking lot talking as usual, and this guy comes up with a really nice Scion SUV with a disabled license plate on the back and Dad tells me to head over and talk to him about schools that might be disabled accessible.

Well this person was Michael. And that was the start of something truly truly epic. Im talking and he gives me a card and tells me to call in and talk to his co worker Sierra about some information they can work out. And so the next day I do that, and were talking and I tell her a little about myself and what Ive been doing and she tells me that shell help. Then she calls back and tells me that she knows that a woman down the hall is looking for an assistant and that she put my name out there and to send a resume to her. So I did.

I get called for an interview the following week and I go in to meet Cynthia at the Statewide Independent Living Center, and were talking and she tells me that not only am I perfect for the job, she wants to hire me over the other 144 applicants she has. So after a long deliberation and trying to figure out what would happen if I didnt go to DC, I accepted her proposal and started to plan out when I could start. But then it changes again.

The SAME WEEK I get another phone call from this lady Rene, who is in charge of the Independent Living Center in Raleigh and also is the Executive Director of Alliance of Disability Advocates, and she wants to meet with me to talk about work as well. Now Im thinking this is the other half of the part time work that Cynthia is supplying me with as her job is only 20 hours. But going in, Im talking with Rene on that Friday, and she tells me that she took my resume from Cynthia and that she wants to hire me full time as a Disability Youth Advocate. SCORE! So needless to say, I took her offer, and as of this past Wednesday the 7th, I became an official employee with a full time job in a nonprofit disability agency.


Work is...actually pretty cool. There is so much going on and this office is like at the beginning of its life, which is cool because it means theyre going to be doing things for a few years. And lets see Ive been there technically four days and Ive already started working on the website, and Ive created a few logos for the YLF (Youth Leadership Forum) and for NCSILC (Cynthia). So yeah thats cool. Tomorrow is going to be hella long. I have a full day of work to do in conjunction with a YLF meeting in the evening from 6-9, so the good news at least is that Ill have three hours of flex time this week to use when I want, so I can leave at 2 if I choose on Friday.

On a quick note, Im still doing the apartment searching thing (its funny how I got a job faster than a house) and its become interesting because my credit is just as fucked as I assumed it would be, and thats making it harder. The good news is that over time, with the amount of money Im making (which is pretty much the same as I was in DC, slightly less but here its worth a lot), I can pay off pretty much all of that stuff in a year. So this time next year, I plan to have a totally clean record which would be great.

We were looking at this place over in North Raleigh called Ashton Pines but everyone was warning us off of it because gang activity and whatnot but the way I see it, it couldnt be worse than Temple Hills. Then again, I told myself I didnt want to live in a place like that anymore.





Then we went and got into this place Westgrove Towers behind the Blue Ridg''''''e theatre. After getting in, I get a call last week from the manager that we were not approved because of: you guessed it, my fucking credit. Well this is after weve already gone through the headache of getting Shon off the lease in this place, and weve told Matt and Big Jon that were leaving in two weeks without actually having a place to live...so yeah.

But then just yesterday were heading back from being out all morning visiting apartment complexes, and the last place we go to turns out to be one of the best. Im really REALLY hoping that we can get in here because its gorgeous. Hardwood floors, floor to ceiling windows a huge Master bedroom with a half bathroom, poolhouse and all that, I want this place, and Im thinking that we might be able to pull this off. God I hope so.

A Crazy Spiral Up/Down the Back Passage.

Oh let's see. There's a lot to cover but I would like to take this moment to simply say this is--in case the layout and commentary noted therein demonstrated enough--a blog. Let's see the definition of it shall we?

- A blog (short for weblog) is a personal online journal that is frequently updated and intended for general public consumption. Blogs are defined by their format: a series of entries posted to a single page in reverse-chronological order.Blogs generally represent the personality of the author or reflect the purpose of the Web site that hosts the blog. Topics sometimes include brief philosophical musings, commentary on Internet and other social issues, and links to other sites the author favors, especially those that support a point being made on a post.

And I am a particular fan of that first sentence. If could have a public disclaimer attached it would also read something along the lines of: "the thoughts/rants/comments contained thereof are not neccessarily the properties of...etc...blah blah blah" but you get the point.

There are many MANY things I could say about this, but out of sheer respect and admiration for the way I met and interacted with a fellow author, I will stop.

Now then. With THAT out of the way.

This is the last day. The last and final day of this craziness. I will be glad to be out of this nonsense as soon as that plane can take me in a certain direction. In the last few weeks I have finally finished Skin Deep and the accompanying paper with it, and been to Chelsea Westminister hospital about four times where some strange doctor decided he wanted to view the innermost secret part of me and slid a camera into the area that has been come to be known as the "back passage." What a STUPID name. But yet it's like UK doctors don't trust themselves to say "anus" as if I'm not grown enough to handle that word. I felt like I was 11 the whole time I was talking to them. Hello people! My TV stays on Discovery Health channel. I know some of the lingo here. But anyway.

He was twirling and twisting that damn thing like it was a pixie stick and I felt it moving around my innards as he searched and scoped. Ultimately there was nothing to find (thank God) and I went next door and got a round of STD testing out of the way as I was there. Upon returning home, I discover Andrew wants to make his last and final visit this way so I agree to it.

PAUSE.

I would like to go back a day or two and just state I also spoke with a psychic a few days ago after hearing it from Chimba and she convinced me that it would interesting for me to do so. I will post her responses to me in a separate post. It was strangely enjoyable. But I don't think I'll be doing it again.

Anyway. Andrew arrived and the night started off well enough. But I noticed that he didn't look well. He looked really tired and thinner than usual (which for him is pretty thin) having been out every night the past week for various adventures. Anyway, we then got into an argument about youth crime statistics in the UK versus the US after I made a comment about how it appears that the UK has a large portion of crime committed by people under 18. And then it turned into a discussion on the evils of Fair Trade and subsidizing farmers.....yeesh. Not exactly the romantic total confession I'd been aiming for. That night was just a hot, hot mess.

I don't want to rehash details but let's say I didn't get anything out of it, and ended up doing something I shouldn't have to no avail. He fell asleep and I forced myself to fall asleep and he was gone and out in the morning and I couldn't have cared an extra iota. Strange from the change back earlier this year. But ehhh you win some. You lose some.

I had my meeting with the school's department heads or really just some talking floating heads that serve as other people's secretaries here about the situations in Roehampton. They soaked up all my information and just politely gave me that "we'll work on it" deal, which was totally fucking pointless but ehh. If the next student that comes along decides to sue to high hell for discriminatory and unlawful practice, I can only hope someone calls my phone so I can get a piece of that pie.

I've been slowly packing everything away in here getting ready to leave tomorrow and by tonight it will all be gone. I'm going to have dinner with Chim and Fiona and I will try and go to the museum today but we'll see. I may have too much to do. Tomorrow the truck comes and I'm on my way out. So then. Till the next time when we're back on American soil!!!!

The End of the Money?!

So....today was possibly the last time I'll be working for what I hope isn't a long time, as it was my final Taster Day with Tony McLeod, (who incidentally said he was going to 'powder his nose' to take a break. GAY BOOTZ!) and it was nice and easy. I'll be a little sad, I must admit. I was getting quite used to the idea of teaching a random group of kids about the wonderfulness that is Creative Writing and it was a good run. Taught me many things about myself, the most important being: that I can actually teach and I'm pretty damn good at it!

But that is not the post of this blog.

No.

I'm writing because twice today I was told to email the head of Roehampton University, which I know now must be divine providence. Obviously in the blog, I've been trying to chronicle the craziness that has been this school since I've been coming here last September. All the disappointment, the frustration, the denial, many of it the fault of the university, came to a head when I was told to tell them about it. By them, I'm referring to the Pro Vice-Chancellor and his second in command. Apparently a lot of what Roehampton has done they don't want me to expose because it will seem as really quite bad for the school, as well as it should be. So now I have to think about how I will craft this letter to talk about all the ridiculousness that this university has put me through, while simultaneously possibly asking for a job in the disability office to ensure this doesn't happen again in the future for other students.

THAT will be interesting....no?

Say Hello To My Little Friend!

This, blog, is my new mini netbook which I purchased yesterday. Okay...did I really have the money to buy it? Not...really. But to be fair it wasn't exactly an impulse buy. My laptop is like six freaking years old and it's large and clunky and while it works fairly well to type on, granted the keys were starting to fall out and it can no longer reliably serf the Internet. I'll be fair. It has served me well (reasonably, not counting the last year.) And it is time to let go and move on. It's a Dell 910 mini and it's soooo cute! I bought it because I'll be traveling quite a bit upon my return to the States, and I figured, I can use it to be doing my writing and surfing the net, without having to lug this ugly box around which will be nice. Now I can be trendy and sophisticated for all of three seconds as I work on my novel at the airport and the train station, lol.



In other news, let's see. I found out from Sarah Solly that I officially passed my poetry module. Yay! (Like I didn't know that, but with Jeff it's always a wildcard.) So that's good. Now I can officially move ahead and submit this dissertation that's been a massive pain in my ass for the entire summer. I'm looking forward to finally getting this thing out of my hands for good. Well, at least over to the teacher before it goes on my harddrive for a little while. If nothing else, I guess it's nice to be able to spend your day writing and planning and plotting as you please. I suppose this is the life of a writer. If that's the case, I'm going to have to develop some serious discipline. lol. Then again, Louise did tell me the trick was treating it like a job. Getting up at 9 to work till 5 and so on. I just don't know if I can commit to such a thing at the moment. But I am at least eyeing to have the first book "The Unravelling" ready for agent review by next summer. Ugh. A whole 'nother year. Oh well. We shall see.

Tom. Hmm....that's a complicated issue. He came through on Sunday, after flaking out I mean developing some kind of eye thing on Saturday after I went with Sajitha to her church. That was interesting. I headed along trying to see what Seven Day Adventist was all about. And afterward, this lady was trying hardcore to get me to go back and join and all that. I....don't think that's gonna be happening. These people were like, hardCORE about their bibles. Seriously. No makeup. No earrings. And every line was spoken with the unspoken utterance of "fire and brimstone" in it. Not a bad place, though. Good singers. I enjoyed the music. And the word. That kid who was preaching was good. A bit long winded. Okay, very long winded. The church was supposed to be out by 12:45. At 1:30, he was still going strong. Anyway, after a brief argument with Sajitha's friend about why it's supposedly impossible for people to be both Christian and gay, I came back to chill until Sunday when Tom came.

Well. His coming didn't exactly work out like I or he planned. To be fair, I was still a bit miffed about his not coming for over a month. I mean I'm starting to think that this was another Andrew affair without the shocking revelation behind it, (by the way he totally called me the other day with this thing of "I wish you weren't leaving the UK..." HUH? really? YOU DO? Cause I had no damn idea....but anyway) which is a bit disappointing. I gave him two opportunities to speak up and tell me what he wanted to do, and when he didn't take the bait either time, I was just about over it. I told him about what Andrew did to me, and I was waiting for him to respond with a "oh well our relationship isn't like that. I enjoy hanging out with you and I know your place isn't a hotel." Did I get it? No. He just said, "huh" and moved on. Strike one. Then we went to Nando's for dinner (mmmmm) and while there after loving me some Dani, we got to talking about our plans once we were both back in the States. I was just trying to see if he wanted to see me there, and he's all like, "you could come to New Orleans but I don't know if Baton Rouge would be good for you." Huh? That's not what you're supposed to say. Considering that your ass will have a car now, you could be like, "yeah it might be a little hard, but hey we'll get over it. Because I really want to see you, I'll make it work."

*sigh*

I didn't hear any of it. And it was disappointing. So when we made it back to the crib, and we're playing Lego Harry Potter (which is fun, mind you) he goes to try and kiss me when he starts to announce that he has to go. I wasn't feeling it. I felt like this whole trip was leading up to him trying to do something to me for some reason, and that he'd be disappointed if it didn't happen. Well considering at this point, I'd be disappointed twice, I wasn't in the mood for games and just spun around and dipped out. When he followed me to the kitchen and tried to kiss me a second time, he correctly guessed "I think I've pissed you off. I'm gonna go." My response? "later!" Yes I was pissed. You didn't say anything to me all day about what you wanted to do, especially when you know that we're on borrowed time as it is. So I took that is a fine. This is done. Could I have asked? Gotten my all consuming burning question? Yes. Did I want to? No. I'm sick and tired of being the one that does all the soul-searching. Let someone else ask ME for a fucking chance. I'm done with it. So I guess it's back to the drawing board on this one.

Am I upset about it? Yes. I know I had a lot in common with Tom. Writing, games, cooking, there was a lot to go on there. But I'm learning. Even that isn't enough some time. I know what I want for myself. Someone that cares about me. Truly. I want someone who calls me out the blue randomly just to be like, "I was thinking of you, so I just wanted to say hi." You never hear about that anymore. Am I being unrealistic? Maybe. But I know what I want. I deserve it. I have a lot to give. But only to the one who deserves to get it. Anyone else, can just get in line. Take a number, bitches.

:(

....The (gag) Horror.....

I can't even go into detail about anything else right now as I just literally shuddered reading this profile on Romeo from someone trying to hit me up for sex. Problem number one? 5'3, 297lbs. Let me just....post....ugh. Oh god.

I need to explain.I am 79 and I need my nurse, Mrs Holland to help me sometimes. First, she has to unplug me from the dialysis machine. Then she detaches my colostomy bag and cleans up the area. She helps me into my special frame where my legs are held open and my back supported. If she has to, she will spray my anal ulcers with anaesthetic. It can hurt sometimes when they flare up. Then she will cover your penis with disinfectant and lubricant and help you insert your cock inside me but only if you are not erect. If you are erect you will hurt me. She uses a spoon to help you in. Then when you are erect you can ejaculate inside me.

I need to go throw up. Excuse me.

Priiiiiiiide! (London, London, London...)

Yeah so this past Saturday was London Pride. Actually I wasn't going to go, because I didn't feel like it after the horrible experience of Farnborough the day before, but I realized it was a beautiful day and I really wanted to see it, so I dragged myself out the bed and threw on my Shiva wrap and a ton of silver glitter and headed down to Central.




It was really fun. I couldn't believe there were that many people out there. I guess that's what happens when gays decide that they want to do something worthwhile. Apparently it was supposed to happen in Soho but with the restructuring of the city, the council had told them that it wasn't going to happen because of a space ordinance and gave them the opportunity to get back to the 20,000 per bar in lost revenue or the ability to move it to Trafalgar Square. They chose option B, naturally.

Anyway, got down there and it was really nice to see everyone in support of gay rights. From what I understand, there was a million people plus there, which is awesome. I ran into Jon for a couple of minutes, and went off to enjoy the festivities, heading to Wagamama's afterward for dinner and lychee. It was a very nice day overall and I'm really happy I went.



What I would like to know is why so many gay dudes act like they are so offended by the idea of Pride? I got about sick and tired of people telling me (Tom included) that Pride is just whatever and that it's too sissified or whatever for them to go. I guess when you live in a place where such things are grounded and downplayed, you get the chance to act out when you get the chance. I guess maybe in places where it's considered pretty normal, it's not that big a deal but still he goes to school in Louisiana, and so I thought he'd understand my wanting to go a bit more. I'll talk more about that later.

July in Farnborough.

Wow this week has been so long. So, so, long. I'm glad that it's over. I can't express that enough. I've just been plowing through the script this week, trying to work on it for Liz and get it up to snuff. I had to make some pretty significant changes to the style of it, but I'm thinking that the style and the pace is much better suited now, so hopefully Liz will agree.

Other than that, it's pretty much been same ole same old. I went to Farnborough today, to an HE Fair that Tara sent me to because I wanted to get out of the city. In hindsight, I'm not sure that was a good thing because I had nothing but problems getting there and back. Getting there was easy enough, when the taxi picked me up this morning. I got to Clapham Junction and then that was where everything went wrong. Giving them the reservation they couldn't find anything and I was sitting there looking stupid. So I just went ahead and bought a ticket for myself. But doing this made me super late, and when I went to the staircase, I had to get in this weird contraption that I rolled in and she had to lower me backwards up the steps. Picture an adult-sized pram with military tread on the bottom. I can't think of any other way to put it. But I've never been so humiliated. It was very loud, very slow. I couldn't even look out at the people coming up the steps because I felt so humiliated. Then I got on the train and got there.

The fair was fine. Very long. But fine. And then I got ready to leave, got back to the station and talked to the manager and was told there was no way for disabled people to get across to the other side to get to Clapham Junction. So I had to head all the way down the track to this place Basingstoke and then go back to Clapham. Almost made me miss the Roehampton Car appointment I had. So annoying. So unnecessary. I don't think I'll be doing that again. Ugh.

Shocker Update

I feel good. I feel really good. Do I dare repeat that? Nah you get the point. But I'll explain about that in a second. First off, let's get this out of the way. So let's see here. Last Wednesday, I went to use the bathroom and something horrible happened. I've been having an issue where every time I use the toilet I end up bleeding. And at first, what started two years ago or more back at Pembroke as a few spots on toilet paper has turned into a full on bleeding opera, that soaks the paper, and my hand in blood. That was like a month ago.

Wednesday, I went to use the toilet. I get up to flush and see something horrible. The entire toilet bowl is covered in blood. Not covered thick as in toilet bowl cleaner, type, but sprayed all the way around as though I had been hacking up a chicken in the toilet and the blood was sprayed everywhere. I was instantly freaked. The water was dark red, meaning there'd been even more blood, and I was like whoa because the movement had been soft which was bad enough. So shaken, I called Dad and them and he told me to go to the hospital.

I leave and get outside with the guards and they end up calling the ambulance, which takes me to the Kingston A & E (Accident and Emergency, I guess) and I'm there for 9 and a half hours reading Sophie Kinsella's "Twenties Girl" in my spare time. (Hilarious book!) And I found out they don't know what's going on. I'm bleeding but they don't know why. So I have blood tests and xrays and a physical exam, and she tells me I could have irritable bowel disease, or it could be the early symptoms of colon cancer.

!!!!!

So I leave there and head over to Putneymead and got a colonoscopy scheduled for July 20th and that will tell them a little more about what they're dealing with and hopefully everything will come back negative and I can move on and figure out what the fuck is going on. So yeah that was the bad news.

I've been out to central a copy times this week, which is a chance for me. I went there after working in Tooting on Friday for an HE fair at a school that everyone said was supposed to be all hardcore, and it turns out the kids were quite nice and I got lots of free food out of the deal. Afterward, I came back and went with Sajitha to central, only to have her bail cause she needed to take this Chinese kid to the police station. I decided to roll around Soho because I had nothing better to do and wanted to go see the Lion King. Couldn't do it, so I went and got drinks at a bar "Village" I think it was, and then had dinner at TGI Friday's, as it was, Friday.

As an aside, interestingly, one year ago I was at Friday's with Lisa eating dinner when we found out about Michael Jackson. How interesting that a year later, I'm back at Friday's (in London, no doubt).

Then I went back out yesterday with Jen and her fabulous friend Heidi to this bar called Tiger Tiger where we watched USA lose to Ghana in this nail-biter of a match. Really annoying but hey, what'chu gonna do? Afterward, we went to Pizza Hut (the first time the food was actually delicious) and I headed home.

This morning, I woke up with the intent of doing work on my script all day....but that did not happen.

The Countdown Begins Again...

49 Days till I'm back in the States...which is great and a little frightening in many ways. So let's see. I turned in my poetry essay yesterday and I think it's a vast improvement over the one that I had turned in originally. So now it's just the waiting game to see how that pans out. I expect that it will be a great improvement, and I also asked for my poetry to be remarked, so that should be interesting.

So all the girls have moved out and I'm pretty much here by myself now till I get ready to leave, which is a bummer but I guess it's for the best, as now I have nothing to keep me from the massive massive edits I have to do on Skin Deep. At least I got that shit written, and 110 pages in a month isn't shabby.

Tom came over this weekend and the weekend ended up being bust when Friday night his back gave out on him and he ended up not being able to do anything at all really. I guess he was lucky that I keep a bottle of pain pills here, though he pretty much demolished the bottle...yeah....so we're gonna see if we can try it again before we go but who knows? I don't really know how he feels about me. I don't know if he thinks this is a fun little diversion or something more. And the grand plan I had to unveil this question was completely ruined by the back thing so that made it all the worse.

I ended up not being able to go to the England vs. USA game because of Tom, so I missed hanging out with Jen which pissed me off (kinda like as my friend Jon came over tonight to ask if we could hang out then proceeded to use my TV for nearly an hour to watch the damn World Cup match for a team neither of us is interested in.)

Alright so I'm off for now. It's late and I'm tired. Later.