Okay, I can't believe I'm writing this shit at 12:30 in the fucking morning, minus one fucking finger. For those of you who know how to type using the home row keys, not having a middle finger to use is a fucking bitch! Anyway, I have lost the use of my right middle finger till about Christmas time, because I sliced the enter whole front portion of it off earlier today with the fucking paper cutter. I was cutting some tickets for the show for Tiffani, and I wasn't paying attention/talking to the secretary, and I sliced my finger nearly completely off. So now I officially don't have a full set of fingerprints anymore, neither can I type at a comfortable rate. And I have to agree that this is the climax for an already horrible week.
And to top it off, I have just discovered that A) one of the models is sick, B) one of the models is forgetting practice C) one of the models is harrassing others, D) one of them may not make the show due to prior obligations, and lastly, E) (how appropriate) has suffered a massive blow and is bleeding internally. Honestly, I don't know how my mother puts up with this shit. It's enough to drive a person completely and utterly insane.
Saturday 29 October 2005
Tuesday 25 October 2005
Here Comes a Mid-Season's Ratings Boost!
Oh god. That's simply all I can say is oh god. What in the hell is wrong with my life? Why does this shit just keep on happening? I swear, this shit keeps happening everyday. I just found out that my friend in high school had a crush on me that I never knew about, and I wanted to ask her out too. And that's a lost cause, and now she's living and dating an already dating couple, and the two of them has become the three of them, and it's mad weird. Then I find out she's bisexual, and it's just the start. Her mother's mad at her, and Kaitlin is losing her mind, moving out of her mom's house and all that. I hope she ends up okay. That's a big step. Too big. Anyway, I find out that I decided not to drop one of my hardest classes, just because I figure that I can tough it out since I've come this far. But either way, it's there, and I have to stick with it now.
Finally he came again tonight, and I didn't know what to do. I couldn't even bare to look at him, it hurt me so. Just thinking about what happened the week before was giving me the chills all over again. I don't even wanna think about that again. I'm just going to leave that alone, and go to bed.
Finally he came again tonight, and I didn't know what to do. I couldn't even bare to look at him, it hurt me so. Just thinking about what happened the week before was giving me the chills all over again. I don't even wanna think about that again. I'm just going to leave that alone, and go to bed.
Tuesday 11 October 2005
This Is How He Makes Me Feel.
I've just sat up and devised this poem because I was so previously upset with the last blog. For your viewing pleasure. It's called: The Deadliest Virus Known to Man.
It starts as a cell, as it enters the stream,
A brief passing thought, a hazy daydream.
No hint of suspicion, not even a breath,
Of evil intention, the cause of a death.
Upward it flows, as if it’s by choice,
For it is the reason, that I hear your voice.
Goodbye, you tells me, when you see that I’m dying,
You talk with your eyes, though I know they are lying,
You close up your mouth, as you speak with your heart,
Your soul, the technique, your lying an art.
That you paint with my tears, perfecting your stroke,
Using my fears, while it’s making me choke.
But you are no artist, a doctor instead,
And I have a fever, your hand on my head.
You listen real slow, with a moment to pause,
But you’ll never know, that you are the cause,
The root of my illness, my darkness, my plague,
That’s killing me slowly, and making me beg.
I tell you my problems, as it flows in your ear,
But you cannot listen, if you cannot hear.
Away from your voice, a hasty retreat,
And into the heart being very discreet,
The cell makes it home, on destruction it’s bent,
To multiply, full of malicious intent.
They stack on each other till tissues are made,
To block out your heart, make your character fade.
So you tell me goodbye, as you walk out the door,
And I open my mouth, to say something more.
But my throat’s a cocoon,
And as hard as I tried,
But you are the moon,
And my voice is the tide.
It rolls in and I laugh when I see your face,
It rolls out, and I’d die to have your embrace,
To them you are both their oyster, their pearl,
But to me you are simply the entire world,
All wrapped up in one, a beautiful mesh,
Encased in one body, just one suit of flesh,
All mine, this body would to but me belong,
A beautiful treasure, and my favorite song.
To sing, and to play, in all different keys,
A sexual orchestra of harmonies.
But a virus builds inside of you,
That makes you act the way you do.
And the cells that build inside of me,
Create a lock, but you’re the key.
But because we live two different lives,
Time cuts us like a rack of knives.
And slits my throat so I can’t speak,
And steals my strength, and makes me weak.
And as I lay here dying on the floor,
You don’t even know, and you close the door.
And light a smoke, so you can forget,
But to me, you are my cigarette.
And when we die, they’ll need an answer,
So to look at you, they’ll claim lung cancer.
But they don’t know that I died too,
Of the same disease, that also claimed you.
Looking down from up above,
I died of the cancer caused by love.
It starts as a cell, as it enters the stream,
A brief passing thought, a hazy daydream.
No hint of suspicion, not even a breath,
Of evil intention, the cause of a death.
Upward it flows, as if it’s by choice,
For it is the reason, that I hear your voice.
Goodbye, you tells me, when you see that I’m dying,
You talk with your eyes, though I know they are lying,
You close up your mouth, as you speak with your heart,
Your soul, the technique, your lying an art.
That you paint with my tears, perfecting your stroke,
Using my fears, while it’s making me choke.
But you are no artist, a doctor instead,
And I have a fever, your hand on my head.
You listen real slow, with a moment to pause,
But you’ll never know, that you are the cause,
The root of my illness, my darkness, my plague,
That’s killing me slowly, and making me beg.
I tell you my problems, as it flows in your ear,
But you cannot listen, if you cannot hear.
Away from your voice, a hasty retreat,
And into the heart being very discreet,
The cell makes it home, on destruction it’s bent,
To multiply, full of malicious intent.
They stack on each other till tissues are made,
To block out your heart, make your character fade.
So you tell me goodbye, as you walk out the door,
And I open my mouth, to say something more.
But my throat’s a cocoon,
And as hard as I tried,
But you are the moon,
And my voice is the tide.
It rolls in and I laugh when I see your face,
It rolls out, and I’d die to have your embrace,
To them you are both their oyster, their pearl,
But to me you are simply the entire world,
All wrapped up in one, a beautiful mesh,
Encased in one body, just one suit of flesh,
All mine, this body would to but me belong,
A beautiful treasure, and my favorite song.
To sing, and to play, in all different keys,
A sexual orchestra of harmonies.
But a virus builds inside of you,
That makes you act the way you do.
And the cells that build inside of me,
Create a lock, but you’re the key.
But because we live two different lives,
Time cuts us like a rack of knives.
And slits my throat so I can’t speak,
And steals my strength, and makes me weak.
And as I lay here dying on the floor,
You don’t even know, and you close the door.
And light a smoke, so you can forget,
But to me, you are my cigarette.
And when we die, they’ll need an answer,
So to look at you, they’ll claim lung cancer.
But they don’t know that I died too,
Of the same disease, that also claimed you.
Looking down from up above,
I died of the cancer caused by love.
It Starts as a Cell...And Kills You as Cancer
This hurts. There's nothing more than I can say about this excepts this hurts. I can't possibly understand why I happen to be hurting so much right now, it just doesn't make any sense. And the sad thing is, I know what would cure me. I know what would make me feel so much better and make the rest of my semester simply heaven. But I know that I can't do what I want. I know that I can't just go up to him and just say what I feel. Because if I do that, it will be the end. I simply cannot do what it says in my head that I must. But I'm not going to lie.
It's been like an ache. It's been like a dull, and painless ache a few weeks back when he agreed to do my show with me, and ever since then, its been growing. And no in fact, its worse than that. It's not an ache. It's a been a sharp stabbing pain ever since the day he told me that he cracked his ribs playing soccer. It's been stabbing me ever since, and ever since then I just cannot seem to rid him of my mind, and ever since now the feeling has just been growing, and growing ever since. It starts like a cell, a brainless feeling little cell that was the fruit of our meeting over the summer. And then it reproduced and multiplied into a friendship that was the cultivation of several hours of work and play through various different stages. Finally, it has metasised into something that I cannot even begin to describe. And the only thing I know in my mind is...I want him. And only him. He's the only thing that will cure what I'm feeling now.
I don't even want to do anything. I just want to touch him. Just a handshake will suffice, but if I had my choice, I would just want to hold him. Just hold him until the sun came up and we had to break to go to class (which I would purposely miss even if it was a mid-term). I just want to hold him as I go to sleep. And it's now that I can fully understand why certain people like they can't go to sleep alone at night. Because at night, it's the worse. Its different in the daytime when everyone is moving about, and you can find things to keep your mind wondering and occupied and busy and unfocused on the things that can truly get you off track. But at night, that's the worse. When the night comes, and everyone's asleep, and the only luxury you have is the ability to think to yourself, and think about where you are, and what you're doing, and why you're not where you should be, and what you're doing wrong, and you think about everything that everyone's ever done to you, and why you feel like you should be further along, and you don't know what's wrong, and what you're doing wrong in the first place. But that's just the truth. I simply want him. In his simple simplicity, and nothing more. Just to hold him and feel his warmth underneath my fingertips, and just to lay my head down and listen to him breathing slowly, in and out, in and out, as I fall asleep happy and completely content. And I wouldn't care that we couldn't tell anyone. I don't care that the world doesn't approve, and I don't care that his parents and my parents don't agree, I don't care that his team would shun him and take him out, I don't care that his teachers don't find it acceptable, I don't even give a fuck about his roommates, and what they have to say on the subject. None of it matters. Fifteen years from now, it won't even matter. And in truth, fuck fifteen years from now. Give me the fucking now. That's all that matters. And that's the truth. And every night, just like so many others who smoke those damn cigarettes and kill themselves, I'll be dying by cancer too. But of a completely different kind.
Forgive me, E.
It's been like an ache. It's been like a dull, and painless ache a few weeks back when he agreed to do my show with me, and ever since then, its been growing. And no in fact, its worse than that. It's not an ache. It's a been a sharp stabbing pain ever since the day he told me that he cracked his ribs playing soccer. It's been stabbing me ever since, and ever since then I just cannot seem to rid him of my mind, and ever since now the feeling has just been growing, and growing ever since. It starts like a cell, a brainless feeling little cell that was the fruit of our meeting over the summer. And then it reproduced and multiplied into a friendship that was the cultivation of several hours of work and play through various different stages. Finally, it has metasised into something that I cannot even begin to describe. And the only thing I know in my mind is...I want him. And only him. He's the only thing that will cure what I'm feeling now.
I don't even want to do anything. I just want to touch him. Just a handshake will suffice, but if I had my choice, I would just want to hold him. Just hold him until the sun came up and we had to break to go to class (which I would purposely miss even if it was a mid-term). I just want to hold him as I go to sleep. And it's now that I can fully understand why certain people like they can't go to sleep alone at night. Because at night, it's the worse. Its different in the daytime when everyone is moving about, and you can find things to keep your mind wondering and occupied and busy and unfocused on the things that can truly get you off track. But at night, that's the worse. When the night comes, and everyone's asleep, and the only luxury you have is the ability to think to yourself, and think about where you are, and what you're doing, and why you're not where you should be, and what you're doing wrong, and you think about everything that everyone's ever done to you, and why you feel like you should be further along, and you don't know what's wrong, and what you're doing wrong in the first place. But that's just the truth. I simply want him. In his simple simplicity, and nothing more. Just to hold him and feel his warmth underneath my fingertips, and just to lay my head down and listen to him breathing slowly, in and out, in and out, as I fall asleep happy and completely content. And I wouldn't care that we couldn't tell anyone. I don't care that the world doesn't approve, and I don't care that his parents and my parents don't agree, I don't care that his team would shun him and take him out, I don't care that his teachers don't find it acceptable, I don't even give a fuck about his roommates, and what they have to say on the subject. None of it matters. Fifteen years from now, it won't even matter. And in truth, fuck fifteen years from now. Give me the fucking now. That's all that matters. And that's the truth. And every night, just like so many others who smoke those damn cigarettes and kill themselves, I'll be dying by cancer too. But of a completely different kind.
Forgive me, E.
Friday 7 October 2005
What Is This?
Okay so yesterday wasn't any good with all the rain and all, which I discovered was actually a tropical storm that was beating the hell out of all of us, and no one had any idea. Why? Because it's Pembroke of course. Like I'd really expect any other kind of answer to that. And now of course, the entire campus is flooded over with water and more water everywhere, because the brilliant draining system that was supposed to be oh so perfect is now clogged, creating a massive swell of water that serves as a makeshift lake in the middle of the parking lot from where I stay. But in the midst of this. I'm liking somebody! And...it's a guy! Wow. That's odd. But you know the more I think about it, the more it's not hard to accept. Now I'm going to be honest. He's not drop dead gorgeous say like the two twins, but I do think he's cute, and I love it when he laughs. He's very nice, and it's funny cause we just started talking in class and I think that I'd really like to get to know him. If maybe not for talking then for something other besides....lol. I can't believe I said that. But it's truthful. Why is it that everyone else always gets to have their fun?
Friday 30 September 2005
Well Now. If My Life's a Reality TV Program...I'm Canceling.
Let's see here. Within the last week or so, I've been called out by three people, bitched out by my mother and my aunt, of which whom I never see, effectively caused two twin sisters to disown each other, break up four relationships, start another relationship (for someone else, as if that needs to be mentioned) and witness what will be the end of that real soon. I've missed more classes than I ever have my entire time in school, and completely fucked over a test. Bullshitted a paper, worked out the details to my show, had someone run over those plans, become contacted by someone of which I never wanted to speak to again, reopened the flood gates of emotions once more, and attempted to talk to someone only to have my mouth fail on me.
Now one of my friends is threatening to commit suicide. Another one is threatening to quit school, another one is threatening to kill someone, and the list goes on and on. I AM SO looking forward to this Germany trip, though I just realized I didn't even turn in the packet today. But first thing Monday morning, it's there. I want to find out what's going with my transcripts that I paid three dollars for and that haven't manifested themselves in any way, I want to find out what happened to my 50.00 DVD, which never showed up. I'd like to know when I'm getting my 8.00 back from that nigga Mike, who didn't even wanna go to the movies, and who convieniently forgot his ten dollar bill, and I'd like to know why the hell my mother told me that I could call her for some cash when she knows that I'm up here struggling like hell.
The only good and positive thing out of this entire section and slice of Hell and Despair pie is the fact that this guy named Tim was flirting with me over the phone when he called about Campus Fundraising (of which I have not heard from Cherokee), and he was very cute sounding, but he lives in Boston, and all that, and I guess we have to start talking business. Boo. Anyway, I had a very interesting discussion with CJ at the lunch table the other day and found out the scoop, or so it was with him. Very Interesting, is all I can say about that. Then I hosted a movie party on Thursday in my room, which everyone liked, (though they tripped like I knew they would on the incredible sex between Anjelina and Antonio), bought a few new games, and am hopefully about to get paid again in a few moments more. People I have never seen/never want to see continually flood my room on a daily basis of which I have no control, and I don't know if this show is gonna sell well. But all indications lead to "yes" which I hope is a good sign. I've got all the neccessary preparations for it, and I got my tablecloths, and candles and runway and all that. Ahh he's so amusing. CJ, that is. Dragon belly button ring? Okay....sure! Anyway...I've been planning and working, and working and planning. Let's just hope all of this goes on like it should and a season finale doesn't randomly decide to make a guest appearance.
Now one of my friends is threatening to commit suicide. Another one is threatening to quit school, another one is threatening to kill someone, and the list goes on and on. I AM SO looking forward to this Germany trip, though I just realized I didn't even turn in the packet today. But first thing Monday morning, it's there. I want to find out what's going with my transcripts that I paid three dollars for and that haven't manifested themselves in any way, I want to find out what happened to my 50.00 DVD, which never showed up. I'd like to know when I'm getting my 8.00 back from that nigga Mike, who didn't even wanna go to the movies, and who convieniently forgot his ten dollar bill, and I'd like to know why the hell my mother told me that I could call her for some cash when she knows that I'm up here struggling like hell.
The only good and positive thing out of this entire section and slice of Hell and Despair pie is the fact that this guy named Tim was flirting with me over the phone when he called about Campus Fundraising (of which I have not heard from Cherokee), and he was very cute sounding, but he lives in Boston, and all that, and I guess we have to start talking business. Boo. Anyway, I had a very interesting discussion with CJ at the lunch table the other day and found out the scoop, or so it was with him. Very Interesting, is all I can say about that. Then I hosted a movie party on Thursday in my room, which everyone liked, (though they tripped like I knew they would on the incredible sex between Anjelina and Antonio), bought a few new games, and am hopefully about to get paid again in a few moments more. People I have never seen/never want to see continually flood my room on a daily basis of which I have no control, and I don't know if this show is gonna sell well. But all indications lead to "yes" which I hope is a good sign. I've got all the neccessary preparations for it, and I got my tablecloths, and candles and runway and all that. Ahh he's so amusing. CJ, that is. Dragon belly button ring? Okay....sure! Anyway...I've been planning and working, and working and planning. Let's just hope all of this goes on like it should and a season finale doesn't randomly decide to make a guest appearance.
Wednesday 28 September 2005
The Indepth Scope About My Astrological Sign
Chapter 3. Your Inner Self and True Nature
Although you enjoy conversing and interacting with people, you also have a self-reliant, independent spirit. You can go after it alone if need be, because you like to be a free agent. You like to exchange ideas, but as stated below, you don't always listen.
You are a person who thrives on challenge, and you often feel that you must battle your way through life, depending upon no one and nothing but your own strength, intelligence, and courage. You believe in being totally honest, true to oneself and one's own vision and convictions, even if that means standing alone. Honesty, integrity, personal honor and authenticity are your gods, and you have no sympathy for weakness of character in others.
You crave the freedom to do things in your own way, and you work very well independently. Cooperating with others or carrying out another's will is not your style. You like to be the chief -or to go after it alone.
You love action and if others are settling down into a nice, comfortable little rut, then you are always ready to stir things up, do something new, make changes, bring in some fresh blood. Routine and sameness are like death to you. You are not afraid of trying something that's never been done before, and even though you may be seen as a fool sometimes, you also discover, invent, and initiate things that others will later emulate. Taking risks and following your own star are the breath of life for you, and you wilt (or get very frustrated and angry) if you cannot do this.
You are spontaneous, impulsive, direct, enthusiastic and assertive. You believe in the power of positive thinking and positive action, and you think of yourself as a strong person -even invincible. You hate being ill or in any way in a position of dependency. Accepting your own human limitations and emotional needs is often difficult for you.
You are basically aggressive in your attitudes and have less facility in the receptive arts of relating to others, picking up subtle messages and nuances, listening, nurturing, and harmonizing. Often you are so fired up about your own projects or goals that you inadvertently run over or ignore other people's feelings and interests. Being receptive and appreciative of others' contributions, ideas and feelings would go a long way in improving your relationships. Your impatience to get on with things causes you to be rather insensitive, and to therefore alienate others unnecessarily. You also frequently try to accomplish your ends by using anger or some version of a temper tantrum. You would gain much by learning to slow down, relax and just let things be sometimes, but your energetic, restless nature rarely allows you to do this.
Leading groups and classes, and being involved in community efforts, social activities, events or movements are areas where you really shine and express your creativity. An awareness of politics or the larger social impact of individual actions is natural to you.
The unusual and unorthodox appeal to you, and you do not allow tradition, convention, or other people's expectations to dictate how you are going to live your life. You crave freedom, adventure, excitement and discovery, and are not afraid of change. You possess inventive and creative genius
Although you enjoy conversing and interacting with people, you also have a self-reliant, independent spirit. You can go after it alone if need be, because you like to be a free agent. You like to exchange ideas, but as stated below, you don't always listen.
You are a person who thrives on challenge, and you often feel that you must battle your way through life, depending upon no one and nothing but your own strength, intelligence, and courage. You believe in being totally honest, true to oneself and one's own vision and convictions, even if that means standing alone. Honesty, integrity, personal honor and authenticity are your gods, and you have no sympathy for weakness of character in others.
You crave the freedom to do things in your own way, and you work very well independently. Cooperating with others or carrying out another's will is not your style. You like to be the chief -or to go after it alone.
You love action and if others are settling down into a nice, comfortable little rut, then you are always ready to stir things up, do something new, make changes, bring in some fresh blood. Routine and sameness are like death to you. You are not afraid of trying something that's never been done before, and even though you may be seen as a fool sometimes, you also discover, invent, and initiate things that others will later emulate. Taking risks and following your own star are the breath of life for you, and you wilt (or get very frustrated and angry) if you cannot do this.
You are spontaneous, impulsive, direct, enthusiastic and assertive. You believe in the power of positive thinking and positive action, and you think of yourself as a strong person -even invincible. You hate being ill or in any way in a position of dependency. Accepting your own human limitations and emotional needs is often difficult for you.
You are basically aggressive in your attitudes and have less facility in the receptive arts of relating to others, picking up subtle messages and nuances, listening, nurturing, and harmonizing. Often you are so fired up about your own projects or goals that you inadvertently run over or ignore other people's feelings and interests. Being receptive and appreciative of others' contributions, ideas and feelings would go a long way in improving your relationships. Your impatience to get on with things causes you to be rather insensitive, and to therefore alienate others unnecessarily. You also frequently try to accomplish your ends by using anger or some version of a temper tantrum. You would gain much by learning to slow down, relax and just let things be sometimes, but your energetic, restless nature rarely allows you to do this.
Leading groups and classes, and being involved in community efforts, social activities, events or movements are areas where you really shine and express your creativity. An awareness of politics or the larger social impact of individual actions is natural to you.
The unusual and unorthodox appeal to you, and you do not allow tradition, convention, or other people's expectations to dictate how you are going to live your life. You crave freedom, adventure, excitement and discovery, and are not afraid of change. You possess inventive and creative genius
Saturday 24 September 2005
The Key to the Lock....
The Key To The Lock....
DateSaturday, September 24, 2005 at 11:57PM
Alright then. Here's to eternal damnation. Or at least that's the way it feels. I have been trying my best to get these feelings out of my head since school started back in August and unforetunately, I just can't do it. And I can feel the depression coming. This time it hit really hard to the point where I didn't even go to my classes for most of this week. I just completely had no energy. To the point where I didn't go to the caf, I didn't really leave my room. And what makes it worse, I even missed a test that we had in Psyche class. In truth, I know what's wrong with me, and I'm trying my best to fight it. I'm about to have a giant wave of depression sweep over me, and I don't want it to happen. It's like trying to fight off a tidal wave with sandbags. But everywhere I look around nowadays just continually brings me sadness. And to make matters worse there's Erik.
I don't know. I don't know the best way to describe this. It's like ever since I met him over the summer it's had like some kind of cosmic fingerprint over my life. He makes me feel mystified, like I can't see straight when I'm around him. At first, it was like it always is when I meet someone new. It was just a lust thing cause he's fine as hell, but now it's more than that. It's making me mad, because I know I can't say anything. If I were to tell him exactly how I feel when I see him, well I already know the ending to that story. It would either a very negative response because I truly believe that he is straight like he says, but to me I don't see the problem with admiring someone strictly for who they are regardless of their sexuality. But if he didn't curse me out (and not verbally mind you, but for him it would be more a mental thing) he would have an indifferent kind of response, and that would hurt me too, because he didn't get mad. But then again, I guess I don't really know what I want. Cause he even he was gay and he didn't care if I asked him about seeing himself with another guy, even if he in another life had asked me to be with him, I don't know if I could. I mean, he's just sorta out there, and not nearly as fine-tuned as I would've imagined myself being with someone, and that's one thing that I'm not going to subject myself to. I refuse, and I REFUSE to submit myself to someone just because I feel a certain way and I want someone with me. That's not fair to them and it's not to me either.
This Erik dilemma is a repeat of the same shit that happened in high school with Patrick Stone, to which he appeared out of the blue like he always does, and my heart broke all over again. I'm crying now just looking at his name, because that's how bad he hurt me inside. I remember feeling sooo bad after we spoke because I knew what was going on. And I promised myself that I wouldn't do that again, and I'm not going to. I remember I did all this work and did all I could to try to faciliate some kind of relationship with Patrick that was meaningful, and something I could come back to when everyone else was trying to break me down, and just when I thought I had built this solid wall of rock, the rock turned out to be sand, and a wave hit, and it broke everywhere. And it made me soo mad. I'm wondering about myself the whole time. Is it that just I'm just attracted to guys who just supposedly straight? I don't know, but I dont' think that's it at all.
I think it's more of the fact that I've never actually met a gay guy who that I've been attracted to. Of course there's the physical looking factor, and it's true that many of the gay guys that I know are very cute looking, but in the end that's really all that it is. There's really nothing else going for them. Once you get past the fact of looking at them for eight hours a day, it just gets annoying. When you try and ask them a question about the political situation in America today, they just look at you with this blank look and have no clue what you're talking about. In truth, I thought that completely about Erik. The fact that when you're talking about something besides girls and soccer, he gets this look on his face like he doesn't know what the hell you're talking about. And then he told me about his situation with his dad and the soccer, and I could understand why he was asking me for help. Cause my original intention was simply to do one paper and leave. But then I understood what it was. And I helped out and caused him to pass because of it.
But then I thought about it. If the only thing he's good at is soccer, what would happen to him if say he couldn't play anymore? Or if like he did the second day of school, he broke his ribs? And now, he's walking around looking really sad, but I did warn him in advance, and it's not a big shock, because I told him what would happen.
But I still felt really bad for him because of what happened. He looks so sad walking around, and it makes me feel bad to watch him walk around. So I do my best to cheer him up. Well between me and that bitch Chris, then we'll do something. And I'm sooo mad that that bitch is trying to snap up my spotlight and everywhere I look on that damn page I see him. If he wants to try it, then let him. But regardless, I just spent quite a bit of time getting to know Big Kevin, and I think I understand him a whole lot better now. I'm not going to post any of his info, because even if someone was to find this info and work their way through the encryptions, I would be destroyed but I'm not gonna take someone else with me.
But I think I'm done ranting for now. Until next time.
DateSaturday, September 24, 2005 at 11:57PM
Alright then. Here's to eternal damnation. Or at least that's the way it feels. I have been trying my best to get these feelings out of my head since school started back in August and unforetunately, I just can't do it. And I can feel the depression coming. This time it hit really hard to the point where I didn't even go to my classes for most of this week. I just completely had no energy. To the point where I didn't go to the caf, I didn't really leave my room. And what makes it worse, I even missed a test that we had in Psyche class. In truth, I know what's wrong with me, and I'm trying my best to fight it. I'm about to have a giant wave of depression sweep over me, and I don't want it to happen. It's like trying to fight off a tidal wave with sandbags. But everywhere I look around nowadays just continually brings me sadness. And to make matters worse there's Erik.
I don't know. I don't know the best way to describe this. It's like ever since I met him over the summer it's had like some kind of cosmic fingerprint over my life. He makes me feel mystified, like I can't see straight when I'm around him. At first, it was like it always is when I meet someone new. It was just a lust thing cause he's fine as hell, but now it's more than that. It's making me mad, because I know I can't say anything. If I were to tell him exactly how I feel when I see him, well I already know the ending to that story. It would either a very negative response because I truly believe that he is straight like he says, but to me I don't see the problem with admiring someone strictly for who they are regardless of their sexuality. But if he didn't curse me out (and not verbally mind you, but for him it would be more a mental thing) he would have an indifferent kind of response, and that would hurt me too, because he didn't get mad. But then again, I guess I don't really know what I want. Cause he even he was gay and he didn't care if I asked him about seeing himself with another guy, even if he in another life had asked me to be with him, I don't know if I could. I mean, he's just sorta out there, and not nearly as fine-tuned as I would've imagined myself being with someone, and that's one thing that I'm not going to subject myself to. I refuse, and I REFUSE to submit myself to someone just because I feel a certain way and I want someone with me. That's not fair to them and it's not to me either.
This Erik dilemma is a repeat of the same shit that happened in high school with Patrick Stone, to which he appeared out of the blue like he always does, and my heart broke all over again. I'm crying now just looking at his name, because that's how bad he hurt me inside. I remember feeling sooo bad after we spoke because I knew what was going on. And I promised myself that I wouldn't do that again, and I'm not going to. I remember I did all this work and did all I could to try to faciliate some kind of relationship with Patrick that was meaningful, and something I could come back to when everyone else was trying to break me down, and just when I thought I had built this solid wall of rock, the rock turned out to be sand, and a wave hit, and it broke everywhere. And it made me soo mad. I'm wondering about myself the whole time. Is it that just I'm just attracted to guys who just supposedly straight? I don't know, but I dont' think that's it at all.
I think it's more of the fact that I've never actually met a gay guy who that I've been attracted to. Of course there's the physical looking factor, and it's true that many of the gay guys that I know are very cute looking, but in the end that's really all that it is. There's really nothing else going for them. Once you get past the fact of looking at them for eight hours a day, it just gets annoying. When you try and ask them a question about the political situation in America today, they just look at you with this blank look and have no clue what you're talking about. In truth, I thought that completely about Erik. The fact that when you're talking about something besides girls and soccer, he gets this look on his face like he doesn't know what the hell you're talking about. And then he told me about his situation with his dad and the soccer, and I could understand why he was asking me for help. Cause my original intention was simply to do one paper and leave. But then I understood what it was. And I helped out and caused him to pass because of it.
But then I thought about it. If the only thing he's good at is soccer, what would happen to him if say he couldn't play anymore? Or if like he did the second day of school, he broke his ribs? And now, he's walking around looking really sad, but I did warn him in advance, and it's not a big shock, because I told him what would happen.
But I still felt really bad for him because of what happened. He looks so sad walking around, and it makes me feel bad to watch him walk around. So I do my best to cheer him up. Well between me and that bitch Chris, then we'll do something. And I'm sooo mad that that bitch is trying to snap up my spotlight and everywhere I look on that damn page I see him. If he wants to try it, then let him. But regardless, I just spent quite a bit of time getting to know Big Kevin, and I think I understand him a whole lot better now. I'm not going to post any of his info, because even if someone was to find this info and work their way through the encryptions, I would be destroyed but I'm not gonna take someone else with me.
But I think I'm done ranting for now. Until next time.
It's Killing Me Slowly...It's Like an Internal Disease....
Oh god, this is like a disease. It's so annoying that it physically hurts. Like literally, the side of my stomach is hurting from the thought of it. It's like it's a constant buildup there is no release from. There are so many things I could say to at least three different people, and there's so many things that I wanna do, but I know, without a shadow of a doubt that if abanonded my care, it would hurt me so much that I'd rather live with the pain. There are thoughts that flood my mind and they come on the tip of my tongue and I wanna say them just to try them out, but I know that I cannot. I can't even bring myself to form the words. Since this is the public version I can say that you know when you get to know people and you aren't fallin in love with them, but rather you wanna try different things on them just to see how they'd react? Saying something that you know wouldn't ordinarily be accepted just to see what they would do? When you like someone so much but you know without a shadow of a doubt that you can't be with them? There's where I am at this minute. I can think of at least one person to whom whenever I see them time literally slows down, and I can hear the wind blowing in my ears, and I can see in my mind being with them and seeing the look on people's faces, and in my mind it is worth more than a trillion dollars at this very minute, just to be with someone you enjoy. I am not going to say love because I do not love anyone like that, and I never intend to say that more than once in my lifetime. And I kow that some people who read this are going to be like "What you're in love?" No. that's not it. I simply really enjoy this person's prescence. But it is completely in vain because even though I could easily open myself up to them, it would be like a dagger thrust through the chest of our relationship, adn that would hurt me worse than anything else. So for now, it's a terminal illness that I have to suffer with slowly. And unforetunately for those of you who are actually reading this, it's annoying but I'm going to name precisely who I'm talking about and how they feel in the next blog. But I can't open that. I just can't. Forgive me.
Saturday 10 September 2005
A Foreign Substance....
I'm sitting here currently feeling all this alcohol flowing through my bloodstream, and I'm just thinking about the day and the events that have happened. Nothing too detrimental, but I lost my refund, because it got "absorbed" which is what I thought might happen, but I was hoping that maybe it might be a little different. But in other words, I went to little party and got kinda drunk, and I had been roaming around and I wen to the party and ran into this ultra hot guy it was ridiculous, he was just standing around his boxers, and we struck up a conversation, though it was just nice to be standing there. I could've cared less if he had spoken any words. Does that officially make me something? I don't know. And right now, I don't care.
Friday 9 September 2005
Oh...the Horror...the Disgrace...
Alright, so how about the famed UNCP talent show being last night? Wow. That's all I really got to say is wow. I mean the hot was hot, we had like 22 acts and it was long as hell, and of course some people I knew got up there and did our thing, you like myself and my girl Puerto Rico! (what!) and Mister Buttery Brown and former Miss UNCP did their thing and this guy named Travis did the same shit he's been doing for the past like hundred years or whatever. There was this hot ass dance by this white dude (gasp!) and some gospel singing, and some ballet or whatever, and Chi-Chi and his crew got up there and did some stuff too and it was hot in the end or whatever. But nah....that's not what everyone was there for in the first place. They wanted to hear about that dirt, and that grime....and boy did we have some dirt! First off, now he's my friend, and I'm not sure if he has a MySpace page, or if he'll ever read this, but if you do, then Majik, you know I still got love for you dog.
He did this rendition of Usher's "You Remind Me" and performed it onstage. I can't even call it the actual song, because it wasn't anywhere close, so I have to say rendition. It was in a word, horrifying. I would have rather had the flu and stayed at home in Morrisville then come and listen to that song. And the sad part is, the longer it went, (which it went for like ever and ever,) the worst it became. But I got mad respect for Majik, cause he didn't even let none of that shit get to him. He must've known how bad it was, from the audience's reaction. People didn't even really boo because they didn't know exactly what the hell was going on. And so some girls cheered simply because they didn't know what else to do, and that just made it worse in the end, I think. He got the bridge and everything went wrong all at once. Majik's mike turned to static, he cracked big time and tripped, it was a hilarious performance. But when I think about what's coming next, it was a musical lullaby of the century.
What came next, I am sorry to say was a disgrace to all of humankind who has ever thought about, ever will think about, ever has, or ever will perform the most beautiful artist ever, Mariah Carey. That is my favorite artist of all time, and the way these two girls last night destroyed it will never be forgotten for as long as Fall semester lasts. It was....unbeliveably terrible. Apparently, this is the same chick whom from last year destroyed the sparkling name of Christina Aguilera when she performed "Beautiful" at the talent show last year. And now, you've seen what happen to Christina's career shortly afterward. What happened? Where is she? I think it might've been because of what that chick did. And see the thing about it is that I wasn't even there last year cause I had stuff to do, so I didn't even hear the song for myself. But I was there last night, and it was soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
(that's right, I had to take a space to say it right)
sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo bad, it was hard to believe that she could've opened her mouth. Like I was telling my friends before, it was so bad, it was like an atomic bomb. It was like the largest bomb to ever go off on UNCP's campus. And it's funny cause when the lady announced that they were going to be singing Mariah Carey's "Shake It Off" everyone in the audience thought it was gonna be the hottest performance of the night. I mean, I was really geniunely looking forward to it. And we could see this little skit with these two girls and their prom dresses or whatever, and we thought it was gonna be awesome. And then the instrumental started, and we all was like, "Oh hell yeah!" cause we all started grooving to the beat. But we should've known. Boy should we have known. When she opened her mouth, everyone's face in the audience simultaneously changed into something that resembled a mixture of horror and disgust. It's hard to put it even into words that can be understood. Trust me, if you didn't go to that show last night....you missed something SERIOUS.
Oh yeah, refund checks are today, and I'm wondering if I have anything in my name. I sure hope so, for my sake.
He did this rendition of Usher's "You Remind Me" and performed it onstage. I can't even call it the actual song, because it wasn't anywhere close, so I have to say rendition. It was in a word, horrifying. I would have rather had the flu and stayed at home in Morrisville then come and listen to that song. And the sad part is, the longer it went, (which it went for like ever and ever,) the worst it became. But I got mad respect for Majik, cause he didn't even let none of that shit get to him. He must've known how bad it was, from the audience's reaction. People didn't even really boo because they didn't know exactly what the hell was going on. And so some girls cheered simply because they didn't know what else to do, and that just made it worse in the end, I think. He got the bridge and everything went wrong all at once. Majik's mike turned to static, he cracked big time and tripped, it was a hilarious performance. But when I think about what's coming next, it was a musical lullaby of the century.
What came next, I am sorry to say was a disgrace to all of humankind who has ever thought about, ever will think about, ever has, or ever will perform the most beautiful artist ever, Mariah Carey. That is my favorite artist of all time, and the way these two girls last night destroyed it will never be forgotten for as long as Fall semester lasts. It was....unbeliveably terrible. Apparently, this is the same chick whom from last year destroyed the sparkling name of Christina Aguilera when she performed "Beautiful" at the talent show last year. And now, you've seen what happen to Christina's career shortly afterward. What happened? Where is she? I think it might've been because of what that chick did. And see the thing about it is that I wasn't even there last year cause I had stuff to do, so I didn't even hear the song for myself. But I was there last night, and it was soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
(that's right, I had to take a space to say it right)
sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo bad, it was hard to believe that she could've opened her mouth. Like I was telling my friends before, it was so bad, it was like an atomic bomb. It was like the largest bomb to ever go off on UNCP's campus. And it's funny cause when the lady announced that they were going to be singing Mariah Carey's "Shake It Off" everyone in the audience thought it was gonna be the hottest performance of the night. I mean, I was really geniunely looking forward to it. And we could see this little skit with these two girls and their prom dresses or whatever, and we thought it was gonna be awesome. And then the instrumental started, and we all was like, "Oh hell yeah!" cause we all started grooving to the beat. But we should've known. Boy should we have known. When she opened her mouth, everyone's face in the audience simultaneously changed into something that resembled a mixture of horror and disgust. It's hard to put it even into words that can be understood. Trust me, if you didn't go to that show last night....you missed something SERIOUS.
Oh yeah, refund checks are today, and I'm wondering if I have anything in my name. I sure hope so, for my sake.
Tuesday 6 September 2005
Foreshadowing of the Unknown
Well now, it is Tuesday and I have a major performance on Thursday with someone who doesn't even care to rehearse with me! Be that as it may, I'm going to go ahead with my original plans and do the show completely by myself by singing my famed Luther Vandross or something, I'll have to seriously consider my options. Apparently, she doesn't think this show is anything serious, because she hasn't called or even approached me about the idea of the show itself. Whenever I prepare myself for a performance I do it continously until I'm satisfied with the result. Personally, I just don't think that we're rehearsed enough to be going up in front of all these people cold turkey. So we'll just have to see what's going to happen. I'm not really too sure myself.
It's B-Day!!!
So then nothing too much to report today. But...I finally did go and buy Beyonce's 2nd album "B-day" today like I've waited for over a year for it, and it seems really good. And then I got a perfect 100 on my Mass Comm quiz today after I studied on it for like 30 minutes. I've finally learned the Greek alphabet by heart basically. And then I also went to the 10% Society meeting tonight and it really does seem that they have that place under control which is very good news. I'm happy that they're doing what they're doing. I paid my dues tonight and attempted to hit on Jamel after I discovered that he's been around a few times around this campus which completely shocked me totally. But hey whatever. I'm not tripping on it.
Saturday 3 September 2005
The Beginning of an Odyssey...
Okay, so I went to my classes today, and most of it was pretty straight. Travis actually gave me a new piece of music today, which is actually pretty cool, and I think if I work at it, it should sound really good. It's from this play called "Stop The World-I Want To Get Off" that came out in the sixties or whatever. And the song's called, "What Kind of Fool Am I?" and it's pretty good. He even said that he might let me do "Music of the Night" from the Phantom of the Opera movie with Bobbi Jo, for our duet. You know what? It's about time. But I have no illusions for what he's trying to do with me. I know that he's strictly using me as a seat warmer in his class. But hey, after two years of his bullshit, I'm nearly through with it, and I'll have my eight credits.
I went to a party tonight, and of course...I sat. I was there, like I was told to be, and I went and tried to participate and integrate myself, but after awhile, it got redundant and I had to leave. Apparently, these people don't take you seriously if you're a lowly acolyte. But I realized that in truth, I'm not doing this for them. I'm doing this strictly to enhance myself when I leave this school. It's a tool to help me succeed better than I would without it. So even if they act like I'm not there and I don't exist, when I get my due, I can look at them and laugh in delight with the rest. But until that day, that's all I can do.
I went to a party tonight, and of course...I sat. I was there, like I was told to be, and I went and tried to participate and integrate myself, but after awhile, it got redundant and I had to leave. Apparently, these people don't take you seriously if you're a lowly acolyte. But I realized that in truth, I'm not doing this for them. I'm doing this strictly to enhance myself when I leave this school. It's a tool to help me succeed better than I would without it. So even if they act like I'm not there and I don't exist, when I get my due, I can look at them and laugh in delight with the rest. But until that day, that's all I can do.
Friday 2 September 2005
Some Doors Are to be Locked
Okay, okay. I don't know if anyone ever reads of these things, but I was thinking today about what it is that I'm going through, and I've decided that I've got to put them in the journal. The problem is, I can't keep it public because that could get me in a whole lot more trouble than what I wanted. So, to keep myself safe and out of harm's way. I'm going to start putting up some blogs that are locked to only me. Sorry! But until things work out, I can't open it up! Forgive me.
Monday 29 August 2005
The Show's Behind Schedule!
Sorry everyone, I've been so incredibly busy, that I really haven't had time to come in and write up a blog like I was supposed to. It's been about three weeks or so since I last posted one of these things up here. And I've been here continously since then, but I just haven't had the strength to put one up. and in truth, I'm not really in the mood now, but I feel that like if I don't then, things will really start to get out of control, and I won't have any record of how I got through them. As far as the summer is concerned, I went home and it was alright, but I could have done without. But I was glad to be there for Shon's birthday, if nothing else. In truth, I wish I could have gone with Jessica, but I know for a fact that she had a lot of unneccessary drama going on, and I knew that if I was going down there, it was going to be hell on earth. But anyway, I had fights with my mother, I solved them and got in more fights. But in the end, I came back and discovered that I might not be able to come back here anymore. Apparently, the Cashier's section of the school was unaware of the deal that Bruce and I were working out, and she isn't too happy about it. But if I don't bring the balance down, she won't let me come back. And that means, I'll most likely end up taking that job with Disney if they come back around this semester. Which at this rate, I'm not sure that their going to, cause I haven't seen any of the flyers that were around this time last year.
In other news, I keep looking at this hurricane Katrina, and I'm amazed at how nieve everyone has become. When it first hit Florida like four days ago, it was category one, and no one took it seriously at all. And overnight this bitch has quadrupled in size to a very rare category 5 hurricane, the strongest in the list. It seemed in the beginning that no one was taking her seriously, so she tripped out and went ballistic, and now everyone is losing their hair, and they have good reason. It seems that she's on her way to completely destroy the city of New Orleans, which is already under sea level, and the whole city is a bowl. So it seems that Louisana is completely fucked over. Likewise, I feel that I'm about to do the same. I've been dealing with a couple of people who don't think that I'm serious when I mention something to them, or rather yet what I don't say to them. And they've been irking my nerves for the past week, (twice I've had leave the room to keep from completely blowing my top), and I feel that if they continue doing what they're doing, I'm going to literally explode and say somethings, that I really don't want to. Like about how I don't feel like I really belong with them in the first place, and how I'm so surprised that people who suddenly decided to jump into the mix within a week have been completely integrated into their society. But me, who've been hanging with them for nearly two years now, and they don't pay me a second's glance. It's true, that I don't share the same passions as they do, but if that's true, then don't turn around and ask me for favors and things for you, when you try to sweet talk me because you think I'm a valuable asset. Cause the day will come when I'll just up and leave, and then there's not much you can say after I'm gone.
As far as classes go, I'm in the them, but I don't want to be. I think I seriously am gonna take the job if they offer it to me again, because I can feel school starting to wear down on me. It feels like everytime I turn around I've got a paper due, or I've got some assignments that I've got to turn in, and now I'm beginning to understand why people don't go to summer school. If you have the summer to calm the fuck down and breathe for a moment, then you don't feel like everything is overwhelming you completely. And on top of that, summer school is mad expensive. If I hadn't have been there over the last two years, then I wouldn't have an extra six thousand to pay to the school, which is leaving me nothing in which to get for myself, when everyone is going to get a refund check. So the fat check that I thought I was going to get worth somewhere around 2,000 to 2,300 dollars, might not come to me at all. But hey, that's the story of my life. And if for some reason, I can't come back because of financial problems, life will go on because it has to, and I'll just have to come back at another time.
I met a couple of new people over a week period as well as a few friends form the summer that came back. John and Majik, and Grace, and Tobias just to name a few. They all seem like a good group, though a misguided bunch at times. Last night I didn't get to bed till 6:30 in the morning cause I stayed up and entertained John and his group of friends for like six hours, and then on my home, I met Majik, and we talked for another hour or two. On the way back, I ran into CJ, and we went to my room and danced around for a minute, as my mother interrupted the conversation calling me at 6:16 yesterday telling me that she had a dream and she didn't like what she saw, so she called. I was curious as to what she was talking about, but I didn't press the issue, but in truth, I didn't want to know what she was going to say. I had no clue, but I'd rather not know.
And then I realized today that someone that I had looked up to earlier had a very serious injury and now it looked like he's crushed completely. I feel so bad for him. It's the equivalent of me like getting a temporary case of like bronchitis, and not being able to sing. And it pains me to see the look on his face when he mentions it to me, but there's nothing I can do help. But you know what? Something that's even more painful is the fact that I can't say anything that I want to to him. And at this rate, it wouldn't do anything. But I've had the words in my mouth for months now. I've rehearsed the imaginary conversation in my head, and I always hear negative responses every single time I try to prepose it to myself. So I guess I'll never make the imaginary into reality.
And in other news, I'm supposed to be going out on a date with this chick on Thursday, but I don't know if I should. She asked me if I was gay or bi, and I told her no because it's the truth. She asked me why I act this way, and I didn't want to go into the problem, so I told her that we would discuss it another time. But the more I think about it, I don't know if I should say anything to her, or even if I should continue to go out to dinner on Thursday. I asked Majik what he thought about it, and he didn't say much on the subject, (and I also met his elusive girlfriend Grace) and seemed rather shady on the subject, so I didn't press the issue. But the mroe I think about it, I don't know what it is that I'm supposed to say. So I'm wondering if whether or not I should just break off the engagement.
Tommorow is the first audition for my show, and I'm going to see just what I' m working with, and see just how my show is going to shape up. I'm hoping that I get a large turnout this year, but in truth, perhaps not because it eliminates the need for such a large and dramatic cut out scene. So we'll just have to see.
Till the next time,
D.
In other news, I keep looking at this hurricane Katrina, and I'm amazed at how nieve everyone has become. When it first hit Florida like four days ago, it was category one, and no one took it seriously at all. And overnight this bitch has quadrupled in size to a very rare category 5 hurricane, the strongest in the list. It seemed in the beginning that no one was taking her seriously, so she tripped out and went ballistic, and now everyone is losing their hair, and they have good reason. It seems that she's on her way to completely destroy the city of New Orleans, which is already under sea level, and the whole city is a bowl. So it seems that Louisana is completely fucked over. Likewise, I feel that I'm about to do the same. I've been dealing with a couple of people who don't think that I'm serious when I mention something to them, or rather yet what I don't say to them. And they've been irking my nerves for the past week, (twice I've had leave the room to keep from completely blowing my top), and I feel that if they continue doing what they're doing, I'm going to literally explode and say somethings, that I really don't want to. Like about how I don't feel like I really belong with them in the first place, and how I'm so surprised that people who suddenly decided to jump into the mix within a week have been completely integrated into their society. But me, who've been hanging with them for nearly two years now, and they don't pay me a second's glance. It's true, that I don't share the same passions as they do, but if that's true, then don't turn around and ask me for favors and things for you, when you try to sweet talk me because you think I'm a valuable asset. Cause the day will come when I'll just up and leave, and then there's not much you can say after I'm gone.
As far as classes go, I'm in the them, but I don't want to be. I think I seriously am gonna take the job if they offer it to me again, because I can feel school starting to wear down on me. It feels like everytime I turn around I've got a paper due, or I've got some assignments that I've got to turn in, and now I'm beginning to understand why people don't go to summer school. If you have the summer to calm the fuck down and breathe for a moment, then you don't feel like everything is overwhelming you completely. And on top of that, summer school is mad expensive. If I hadn't have been there over the last two years, then I wouldn't have an extra six thousand to pay to the school, which is leaving me nothing in which to get for myself, when everyone is going to get a refund check. So the fat check that I thought I was going to get worth somewhere around 2,000 to 2,300 dollars, might not come to me at all. But hey, that's the story of my life. And if for some reason, I can't come back because of financial problems, life will go on because it has to, and I'll just have to come back at another time.
I met a couple of new people over a week period as well as a few friends form the summer that came back. John and Majik, and Grace, and Tobias just to name a few. They all seem like a good group, though a misguided bunch at times. Last night I didn't get to bed till 6:30 in the morning cause I stayed up and entertained John and his group of friends for like six hours, and then on my home, I met Majik, and we talked for another hour or two. On the way back, I ran into CJ, and we went to my room and danced around for a minute, as my mother interrupted the conversation calling me at 6:16 yesterday telling me that she had a dream and she didn't like what she saw, so she called. I was curious as to what she was talking about, but I didn't press the issue, but in truth, I didn't want to know what she was going to say. I had no clue, but I'd rather not know.
And then I realized today that someone that I had looked up to earlier had a very serious injury and now it looked like he's crushed completely. I feel so bad for him. It's the equivalent of me like getting a temporary case of like bronchitis, and not being able to sing. And it pains me to see the look on his face when he mentions it to me, but there's nothing I can do help. But you know what? Something that's even more painful is the fact that I can't say anything that I want to to him. And at this rate, it wouldn't do anything. But I've had the words in my mouth for months now. I've rehearsed the imaginary conversation in my head, and I always hear negative responses every single time I try to prepose it to myself. So I guess I'll never make the imaginary into reality.
And in other news, I'm supposed to be going out on a date with this chick on Thursday, but I don't know if I should. She asked me if I was gay or bi, and I told her no because it's the truth. She asked me why I act this way, and I didn't want to go into the problem, so I told her that we would discuss it another time. But the more I think about it, I don't know if I should say anything to her, or even if I should continue to go out to dinner on Thursday. I asked Majik what he thought about it, and he didn't say much on the subject, (and I also met his elusive girlfriend Grace) and seemed rather shady on the subject, so I didn't press the issue. But the mroe I think about it, I don't know what it is that I'm supposed to say. So I'm wondering if whether or not I should just break off the engagement.
Tommorow is the first audition for my show, and I'm going to see just what I' m working with, and see just how my show is going to shape up. I'm hoping that I get a large turnout this year, but in truth, perhaps not because it eliminates the need for such a large and dramatic cut out scene. So we'll just have to see.
Till the next time,
D.
Wednesday 3 August 2005
So Comes the Season Finale....
And so, it is the middle of the last week of summer, and it is almost time to start the cycle once more. The last three days have been full of a certain closure, one way or another as it marked the exit of the HCOP/COP kids, many of whom I've shared an interest in. And then the almost end to the ludacris class of Microeconomics, (to which I am not unhappy to say goodbye to) and to a certain someone I came to like. There's still quite a few possibilities making their entrance this fall (aka Tucker, Julian, and John), and the possibilities are still all near zero, but that doesn't mean I can't enjoy the possible mind sequences they produce! I finally finished with another piece of drama and most likely seperated two people apart for good, though I'm sure that wasn't the original intention. After discovering that they felt as though I ran behind the scenes, I decided to end the connection, to which it worked gloriously, and I don't think I'll b feeling the reprocussions anytime in the near future.
Jessica came this weekend, and I helped her move out of her apartment. The original plans included me traveling with her to Orlando, but that was quickly changed as I realized the extent of the drama I'd be getting myself into. So I had to end that web as well (though not nearly as permanent as the first two), and it will probably resort in me spending another miserable week at home. But I suppose I can live with that, being that Thanksgiving is a hell of a long way away. And I do have the prospect of a new computer to look forward to, (maybe) with both fingers crossed. I just have three days left. Till I'm done with this shit...it can't come fast enough.
Jessica came this weekend, and I helped her move out of her apartment. The original plans included me traveling with her to Orlando, but that was quickly changed as I realized the extent of the drama I'd be getting myself into. So I had to end that web as well (though not nearly as permanent as the first two), and it will probably resort in me spending another miserable week at home. But I suppose I can live with that, being that Thanksgiving is a hell of a long way away. And I do have the prospect of a new computer to look forward to, (maybe) with both fingers crossed. I just have three days left. Till I'm done with this shit...it can't come fast enough.
Wednesday 27 July 2005
Public University's Number One Enemy Has Arrived...
Isn't it hilarious? I swear its just absolutely fucking hysterical. How one day you can be having just the greatest day ever created on the planet, and within the space of twelve hours you feel like you're trapped in the coals of Hell? Well when I was having a good time, I had seen Beyonce and all of them and everything was good. My train tickets were 39.00 bucks rounnd trip, and everything was hot. But then, when shit hit the fan, it covered everything.
First Char Safley informs me (my Vocational Rehab officer) that she might not be able to give me my fall money because my mother was trying to outmsart the system and move me to Chicago on the records. Then, I find out that I left my wallet at my mom's house, then I get here and I find out by talking to my counselor today, that when I was regaling my story to this guy John Arnold (who knows me from elementary school), that a bunch of parents were listening to our conversation when I informed John that I HAD been seeking legal action against the university for their actions regarding last winter. She informs me that the parents were not too pleased, and now everyone's blaming me. She also tells me that she doesn't believe a word I said when I spoke to her about Hansen (theatre teacher) about how he refuses to move his class. She says the class was full, and that I registered late. A flat out lie. I was here two days before classes began. She tells me that she thinks we have a "trust breach," and that she can't believe what I tell her. But as I was sitting there, I was thinking that perhaps I shouldn't return to her as a therapist. Because Mary Helen and the others are there in that office, they have the university's perspective to back up on when things don't look quite right. And so it makes me look bad. And I flat out told her that I think that the university was only saying that because it wanted to cover up for the mistakes that they've been making since I been here. They seem to think that since I have this uncanny knack for pulling out the flaws in their supposed "perfect system" that I'm the enemy of the university. But I told her that I'm not stupid. And just because the people in the higher chains allow themselves to be polluted by that bullshit, it doesn't mean that the rest of us have to fall in line with it.
First Char Safley informs me (my Vocational Rehab officer) that she might not be able to give me my fall money because my mother was trying to outmsart the system and move me to Chicago on the records. Then, I find out that I left my wallet at my mom's house, then I get here and I find out by talking to my counselor today, that when I was regaling my story to this guy John Arnold (who knows me from elementary school), that a bunch of parents were listening to our conversation when I informed John that I HAD been seeking legal action against the university for their actions regarding last winter. She informs me that the parents were not too pleased, and now everyone's blaming me. She also tells me that she doesn't believe a word I said when I spoke to her about Hansen (theatre teacher) about how he refuses to move his class. She says the class was full, and that I registered late. A flat out lie. I was here two days before classes began. She tells me that she thinks we have a "trust breach," and that she can't believe what I tell her. But as I was sitting there, I was thinking that perhaps I shouldn't return to her as a therapist. Because Mary Helen and the others are there in that office, they have the university's perspective to back up on when things don't look quite right. And so it makes me look bad. And I flat out told her that I think that the university was only saying that because it wanted to cover up for the mistakes that they've been making since I been here. They seem to think that since I have this uncanny knack for pulling out the flaws in their supposed "perfect system" that I'm the enemy of the university. But I told her that I'm not stupid. And just because the people in the higher chains allow themselves to be polluted by that bullshit, it doesn't mean that the rest of us have to fall in line with it.
Tuesday 26 July 2005
Hmmm...the Ultimate Concert Review...
....okay, so I've been putting this off for a day so I could get my thoughts together in preparation of writing this. This weekend was simply put...INSANE. My parents totally changed our house, and they bought VERSACE furniture. It is absolutely gorgeous. It is the pennicle of everything that I would have wanted to see. New York City furniture in our house. It was fantastic. Gold and brown with the Versace logo all over the place. I bet it must have a cost a fortune! And then along with that, they've finally finished the third floor of our house. It looks magnificent. Wood and marble floors, the theatre complete with a gigantic television, the bar, the exercise room, everything. It is awesome! And then that was only the tip of the iceberg.
Sunday night, we got to see DESTINY'S CHILD in concert. I was staring at Beyonce and the crew the whole time. I couldn't believe that I was staring at the girls of my idols half my life. She was actually there in real life, and the concert was fabulous. The greatest thing ever. Amerie, Mario, and Tyra were there too. They did everything from their whole career from Bills, Bills, Bills to Say My Name to Survivor to No, No, No, to Lose My Breath and Soldier. It was beyond words as far as concerts go. The funniest part was, my brother was actually going to go up on stage when Michelle asked him to come up so they could do "Cater 2 U" but he got nervous and sat down, and so she picked someone else instead. What a dork!
Oh so much fun! But now I'm back in Pembroke, and it's back to life as usual. Oh well...
Sunday night, we got to see DESTINY'S CHILD in concert. I was staring at Beyonce and the crew the whole time. I couldn't believe that I was staring at the girls of my idols half my life. She was actually there in real life, and the concert was fabulous. The greatest thing ever. Amerie, Mario, and Tyra were there too. They did everything from their whole career from Bills, Bills, Bills to Say My Name to Survivor to No, No, No, to Lose My Breath and Soldier. It was beyond words as far as concerts go. The funniest part was, my brother was actually going to go up on stage when Michelle asked him to come up so they could do "Cater 2 U" but he got nervous and sat down, and so she picked someone else instead. What a dork!
Oh so much fun! But now I'm back in Pembroke, and it's back to life as usual. Oh well...
Thursday 21 July 2005
A Few Wannabe Fantasies....
Ha. These are just a few people the people that I would LOVE to meet:
One of the hottest actors to ever grace the planet, Paul Walker.
The beautiful Bohemian princess, Nicole Kidman
The World's Most Beautiful Woman, Twice in a Row, Halle Berry
Straight Up. The Sexiest Man Alive. Hands Down. Brad Pitt.
The 2nd Place Winner for the Sexiest Man Alive. Mark Wahlberg.
One of the hottest actors to ever grace the planet, Paul Walker.
The beautiful Bohemian princess, Nicole Kidman
The World's Most Beautiful Woman, Twice in a Row, Halle Berry
Straight Up. The Sexiest Man Alive. Hands Down. Brad Pitt.
The 2nd Place Winner for the Sexiest Man Alive. Mark Wahlberg.
Wednesday 20 July 2005
The End of a Season...
I can't really think of anything to say at the moment. What I just saw is enough to make anyone crazy. I'm sitting here at this exact moment crying my eyes out at the moment because I just finished watching the entire first season of Queer As Folk, and the ending was soo crazy. Without warning, without reason, and without mercy, some bastard, some motherfucking piece of shit bully that had been making fun of Justin the entire season for no reason, and even asked him for a sexual favor, turned around at the Prom, the very last night on the schoolgrounds, and when he had finished leading Brian away from the crowd and to the car, Justin was going away as happy as ever for the fact that Brian came to the Prom, and wowed everyone, and the moment, that he went away, this fool came up behind him with a baseball bat and bashed his fucking brains out all over the floor. He was lying in a pool of blood bleeding to death, and there was nothing Brian could do about it. The thing I can't possibly understand is: How could someone hate something so much that they will attempt to kill you to get revenge? Justin didn't physically do anything to that guy, he only hurt his pride when he was in front of everyone. I think what really hurts the most, what hurts deep inside is the realization that it could be anyone. It could be Kevin, CJ, Troy, Michael, Hakeem, Jerome, Kevin or me. It could anyone of us. It could be me lying in that pool of blood staying up at this person that just broke my skull simply because I don't like him. How could anyone do that? How could they get away with it? I would simply die if I found out that anyone had suddenly killed Kevin and left him lying in a pool of blood. Why does everyone fucking care? What business is it of yours that I might suck cock, or eat pussy? Who GIVES A FUCK? Why would you do something like that to anyone? You're not living their life! You shouldn't care about what to anyone but you! I am sick and tired of everyone blaming me and the others around here because they're so fucking boring! I don't care that I'm not mainstream like everyone else. I don't care that you don't like what I do. And I don't care that you don't like who I'm fucking, if it's anyone. The entire purpose is to be who you are. I think that this show has done more for me in the course of a week that any therapist could have done. I think that by watching the show and getting to know the characters intimately, and feeling their heart, and watching their love and their hatred, feeling every moment of everyday that they're on the screen, you feel like you're a cast member. You feel like you're the one privleged enough to be in everyone's thoughts at all times, and they really make you feel like you're family. And that of course, is what makes the truth so utterly painful. I think that anyone who is gay deserves a chance to be who they are, and I don't think anyone who's not feeling what they are, is entitled to their personal opinion as to why they feel that way. And I also think that anyone who is gay and who has seen the series finale would feel just the same way as I do at this moment. The raw emotion for absolutely no reason. It just didn't make sense. And then to see Brian's face afterwards, was killer. This man who supposedly doesn't give a shit about anyone, who didn't even cry a tear when his father died, was ballawing his eyes out covered in blood. It was just wrong. There's just no other way to describe it. Just plain wrong. And I know the series is planned, and I know they put it up there for the shock value and all, but the unlying fact to the entire situation is that it could be anyone of us. And worst of all, it could be me.
Monday 11 July 2005
The Serpent Returns for Another Strike...
Hmm...it comes to my attention that last summer in my LiveJournal account, I had wrote about a few snakes that I had met in my classes from then and how they poisoned a particular person into ruining my summer completely. I thought that perhaps with all of the new events happening and with another year going by completely, I thought that maybe I had gotten past all of that, and that maybe time had healed old wounds, but it so seems that the serpents are still crawling around in the underbrush, and they've returned for a second shot. I thought that maybe I had gotten rid of them when they blacked the world of my friend and I, but apparently I was completely wrong. But what I cannot understand for the life of me is why they feel that they must speak to me at all. I am not Eve. This is not the Garden of Eden. Far from it. I don't speak Parseltongue, (sorry Harry Potter reference there) and I certainly don't want associate with them. Unforetunately because of the way that I've chosen to go, they have to be considered in my group, and so like Joy told me last week, I have to consider everyone in my thoughts whenever I do something. But I'd rather be in a class of my own, they have to deal with those two. They feel as though they need to be cordial, and so they speak when they come near me, but I feel that it's only a commodity, and something that they feel they have to do. I'd rather wish they wouldn't. It's like they're breathing poison gall out of they mouths when they say something to me. And I don't feel that I have to return the favor by speaking back to them, but I do because it's the only nice thing to do. If I didn't, then of course, being the way they are, drama would instantly arise. Though I'm not particularly sure as to why they chose to do this to me. I'd rather not deal with it. But then again, I'm me, so it's what I get. Kinda when the train breaks down on my way to McDonald's tonight. It's just classic. Something that I would expect to happen to someone like me. *sigh* Oh well. Oh yeah, before I go, I think my Queer As Folk DVD set came in this afternoon. I'm gonna have to go and check in the morning. Bet that'll freak mom and dad out!
haha, suckers.
haha, suckers.
This Is Weird...
Okay, I havent' been able to write lately because there has been some straight up weird shit going down. First off I'm at the Huddle House and I'm sitting with some guys and we're just having a conversation/hiding out from an unknown someone, when we start having that deep theological shit, which for some reason, always ends up happening at the early morning hours at that particular resturant. We get into the talking like we always do, and next thing I know, we're discussing other people's perceptions of ourselves. And then I find myself trying to use all my intuitive skill to describe these people and the way that I see them. I ended up with a Willow Tree and an Orange.
Willow Tree would describe someone who's rooted to a particular cause or belief, but because of outside influences, they will bend to the left and the right under any kind of circumstances. And they refuse to break because at the core of their believes they know that what they're doing is right, at least to them.
Orange would describe a particular someone who has a rather tough outer shell and takes a while to "peel" but once you get past the outer layer and find out what's on the inside, meaning once you spend all the extra time to learn this person, and get inside of them and learn the ins and outs of their special personality, you feel satisfied at having learned their inner secrets.
Come to find out, I'm better at reading people than what I originally thought. I related others to Warheads candy, strawberries, and a lightning bolt, to find that they were mostly correct. But then, I suppose it was my turn to face the ridicule, and I was compared to a peacock and a bowl of fruit. For peacock, I was told that when no one is around that I lower my feathers and remain pretty silent, but when I meet someone (he described it like a friend or whoever) I make the tell-tell sign of the sqwaking and whatnot to be interpreted as high-energy intensity. In truth, I don't know if I liked the comparison, but I suppose it is correct. I try to be high-intensity for the fact that there are others who are not. So they can share off my energy and feel better about themselves. When I am at low energy, I in turn use other people's to help me mvoe on about my daily activities. But in truth, not very many people can be considered high energy for the fact that they would explode under the immense volume of pressure. And then I was compared to a "Jamican Ugli Fruit", which is an exotic combination of a tangerine and a grapefruit. The fruit itself is rather ugly on the outside (? to which he swore he wasn't calling me ugly,) and is very hard to crack, but once you open it, a flood of juice will erupt from it (supposed to represent my personality) and then when you eat the fruit, you find it is overly delicious, contrary the to the outside appearance, which is the way he explained me. In truth, I suppose I do represent that to some people, I just hope not to everyone.
Combine that with the ever increasing curiosity about one of my particular friends, and you can understand why I'm confused. From the comments at the resturant to the online tests they take, to general comments, I wonder if whether or not there's more to the story than that which is presented. In fact, I'm sure of it. And on top of that, I have a test in the morning, which is where I met someone else, who I'm starting to like, simply because he could keep up with me in regards to the amount of the intellect that I threw out. He's mad cool.
With that, I'm gonna disappear for a while.
Fruits named Ugli
(Here's a Jaimacan Ugli Fruit)
Willow Tree would describe someone who's rooted to a particular cause or belief, but because of outside influences, they will bend to the left and the right under any kind of circumstances. And they refuse to break because at the core of their believes they know that what they're doing is right, at least to them.
Orange would describe a particular someone who has a rather tough outer shell and takes a while to "peel" but once you get past the outer layer and find out what's on the inside, meaning once you spend all the extra time to learn this person, and get inside of them and learn the ins and outs of their special personality, you feel satisfied at having learned their inner secrets.
Come to find out, I'm better at reading people than what I originally thought. I related others to Warheads candy, strawberries, and a lightning bolt, to find that they were mostly correct. But then, I suppose it was my turn to face the ridicule, and I was compared to a peacock and a bowl of fruit. For peacock, I was told that when no one is around that I lower my feathers and remain pretty silent, but when I meet someone (he described it like a friend or whoever) I make the tell-tell sign of the sqwaking and whatnot to be interpreted as high-energy intensity. In truth, I don't know if I liked the comparison, but I suppose it is correct. I try to be high-intensity for the fact that there are others who are not. So they can share off my energy and feel better about themselves. When I am at low energy, I in turn use other people's to help me mvoe on about my daily activities. But in truth, not very many people can be considered high energy for the fact that they would explode under the immense volume of pressure. And then I was compared to a "Jamican Ugli Fruit", which is an exotic combination of a tangerine and a grapefruit. The fruit itself is rather ugly on the outside (? to which he swore he wasn't calling me ugly,) and is very hard to crack, but once you open it, a flood of juice will erupt from it (supposed to represent my personality) and then when you eat the fruit, you find it is overly delicious, contrary the to the outside appearance, which is the way he explained me. In truth, I suppose I do represent that to some people, I just hope not to everyone.
Combine that with the ever increasing curiosity about one of my particular friends, and you can understand why I'm confused. From the comments at the resturant to the online tests they take, to general comments, I wonder if whether or not there's more to the story than that which is presented. In fact, I'm sure of it. And on top of that, I have a test in the morning, which is where I met someone else, who I'm starting to like, simply because he could keep up with me in regards to the amount of the intellect that I threw out. He's mad cool.
With that, I'm gonna disappear for a while.
Fruits named Ugli
(Here's a Jaimacan Ugli Fruit)
Tuesday 5 July 2005
Okay I'm Convinced...
Alright, I was just about to go to bed when I read my supposed Tarot card for today dealing with my horoscope. Sometimes I think, (and that sometimes is only applicable when I read the things) that they are right on the money. This is the third time that I've read em and they've been right on the head with the details. It's really kinda scary. I just told you about the Huddle House incident, and look here, here's the horoscope:
Tuesday, July 5, 2005
aries horoscope
Your Tuesday Horoscope D'Arcee!
Inspiration about the direction your life is taking will arrive in a lucid manner. Your intuition is critical today. Have the common sense to let someone tell you how much he or she trusts you.
Tuesday, July 5, 2005
aries horoscope
Your Tuesday Horoscope D'Arcee!
Inspiration about the direction your life is taking will arrive in a lucid manner. Your intuition is critical today. Have the common sense to let someone tell you how much he or she trusts you.
I Should Not be Writing Now...
Yeah, so it's four in the morning on July the fifth, I've class at nine, and I shouldn't be writing this entry, I know that. I've got two chapters to read in Microeconomics, and a quiz to do before ten o' clock, and yet I'm here. But I just came back from a very enlightening conversation from the last four hours with a friend at Huddle House. We discussed much and I feel now that I understand much more of his mental capacity now. I can understand why he feels the way he does sometimes, and why certain things happen when I can't explain why they do. I can see things in him that I didn't see the day before, and it will definately change the way that we interact in the future, though not neccessarily in a bad way. We shared some very interesting information, and I felt afterward like perhaps I had pried too much into business that didn't concern me, but he seemed to be happy to discuss it. So in the end, I'm glad I did. Other than that, fourth of july weekend was pretty hot, I went shopping got some new jewels, some new games, and some new supplies. Speaking of which, I also got a new roomate who seems more mysterious to me than other people of which I made contact with today at lunch. I'm not sure precisely how to interact with this one, though. I'm wondering if I should come from various angles to discuss my position with him. Do I go from the angry prospective and ask if he hates me, and see the reaction? Do I go from the anxious perspective and poke at the answers? Or do I go with the bold route and straight up ask him about his page and whether we can get together some time? I don't know yet. I might not find out either. I didn't get a chance to go by there like I wanted to, because other things took precedence. But I will have to make time, I'm sure of it.
Saturday 2 July 2005
Just a Quick Update....
Okay, so it's the now officially the second, though I thought it was the first. And that means, I've got some news to report. First off, I got my grades. Hooray for me! B, B+, and an A- out that ridiculous British Lit class. That's what I'm talking bout! Give me an A for my effot! Anyway, yeah there's that. Then there's my new roomate, his name is J, and that's all I'll say. I haven't really had much time to figure him out though. We have spoken, but only during important events. Beyond that, who knows. There's the issue of that co worker at Movie gallery, when I went to movie gallery to rent Garden State (which it comes to find that that movie is not really that good, and I found myself wondering how long I could take it before I smashed my tv.) When I went down there to rent it, I found another game on sale for 10 bucks, (an MTV Music Generator of sorts) so I bought it. This fool, is gonna turn around and totally ignore the giant white sticker on the cover, and it's gonna overcharge me five bucks. I called him out on that shit too. Anyway, I started new classes today. They look interesting, none particularly too difficult if I remember to do the quizzes. And everyone from SSI is gone now, all of them and I'm here with someone else and we're just wondering where everybody went. Home, propably. Anyway, gotta go.
Sincerly,
D.
Sincerly,
D.
Sunday 26 June 2005
I Found It.
just out of searching, I have found the one Cd that I must have above all others. I've just gotta put the email address here so I can find it again. This is for all you trance heads out there!
http://perfectbeat.com/product_info.php?products_id=827912002119
http://perfectbeat.com/product_info.php?products_id=827912002119
BOOOOOOOMMMMM!!!!
Okay, okay, okay. I've been trying to sort this shit out for the last three days cause they've been so insane it's ridiculous. So much so, that I didn't go to any of my three classes on Friday, cause I needed a damn break. First off on Thursday, we had a friend go to the doctor, and return less than favorable. So we helped as much as we could, and we watched as she returned back to her original state. But just yesterday, so had a supposed relapse, and it was much worse than the first time, but I'm wondering about how truthful that was. Unforetunately, she's burning her bridges out really bad, cause she's going to really need our help, and by that time, we're going to be so busted that we're not going to want to hear it. She's already worn three of us thin, and I'm afraid for what could happen in the possible future if something bad happens. Unforetunately, I've watched as the three of them are completely turned off by her antics, and their tired of the game already. It's really sad...
Add to this the problems with the other girls and you've a nuclear bomb in the making. Why exactly one girl thinks that she can ruin the lives of eight other people because she's not getting what she wants, is completely beyond me. I'm just waiting for the right moment when the one girl feels that she's have enough and stands up to this other chick and stops playing with everyone. It's really getting old really quick. And this girl is ruining everyone's mood, and instantly everyone gets on edge when she walks in the room. And it should never be that way. It's really sad that everyone feels that they need to bow down to this girl so that she feels accepted...
Throw in the mix that I ran into my bane of existance during the first instance, and it makes matters worse. He was only there to try and faciliate the doctor personae, and when he realized that he couldn't he tried to leave all of us alone. When my friend realized what he was doing, she forced him to stay with us. But the entire time, I was thinking "What are you doing here? You know you don't care! You don't care about anyone, remember?" And earlier in the week the one friend came to me telling me to strike up a conversation with him, because he had been happy to see me, and I told her he could rot in the burning coals of Hell for all I cared. In truth, that's not true, but it sure sounded good at the time. And isn't always that way? You reserve your deepest hatred for the people not who did the simple small shit that you don't care about, cause their peons. They don't matter. You might be pissed at them, but that's about as far as it goes. No. You reserve that soul searing internal organ boiling hatred for the people who did the foulest shit to you. Thankfully I only have two of those people on my list. And it would be narrowed down to zero if they would simply apologize and admit their wrong doing. But if they refuse, as do I. All I'm saying is that they better hope I never become a hired assassin, and see their name on my list, cause I'd do the job without being paid. Just for the pure joy and satisfaction. That'd be it.
Add to this the problems with the other girls and you've a nuclear bomb in the making. Why exactly one girl thinks that she can ruin the lives of eight other people because she's not getting what she wants, is completely beyond me. I'm just waiting for the right moment when the one girl feels that she's have enough and stands up to this other chick and stops playing with everyone. It's really getting old really quick. And this girl is ruining everyone's mood, and instantly everyone gets on edge when she walks in the room. And it should never be that way. It's really sad that everyone feels that they need to bow down to this girl so that she feels accepted...
Throw in the mix that I ran into my bane of existance during the first instance, and it makes matters worse. He was only there to try and faciliate the doctor personae, and when he realized that he couldn't he tried to leave all of us alone. When my friend realized what he was doing, she forced him to stay with us. But the entire time, I was thinking "What are you doing here? You know you don't care! You don't care about anyone, remember?" And earlier in the week the one friend came to me telling me to strike up a conversation with him, because he had been happy to see me, and I told her he could rot in the burning coals of Hell for all I cared. In truth, that's not true, but it sure sounded good at the time. And isn't always that way? You reserve your deepest hatred for the people not who did the simple small shit that you don't care about, cause their peons. They don't matter. You might be pissed at them, but that's about as far as it goes. No. You reserve that soul searing internal organ boiling hatred for the people who did the foulest shit to you. Thankfully I only have two of those people on my list. And it would be narrowed down to zero if they would simply apologize and admit their wrong doing. But if they refuse, as do I. All I'm saying is that they better hope I never become a hired assassin, and see their name on my list, cause I'd do the job without being paid. Just for the pure joy and satisfaction. That'd be it.
Friday 24 June 2005
Alright Things Look Good for the Moment....I Suppose...
I have to say that I feel immensely better than yesterday. It seems the counter to every particular issue always happens to come at the time when it is most needed. Take for example, I lost my MP3 player way last week sometime, and out of the blue one of the RA's of the building randomly returns it to me. I don't know why exactly, but according to her she had it for some time and didn't know why anyone didn't claim it. I'm not sure why got it, but I'm glad I got it back.
And now for other things, now that I've had a chance to sleep and think about the events from yesterday I'm starting to take that article to heart, and I've noticed that this particular person has a lot more interesting things surrounding them than what was thought at original face value. Including a plethra of health issues, and committment issues, as he revealed certain things out of his history, I realized that in truth it might not be in my best intrest to get involved with this kind of person. It's not to say that I'd just leave him alone altogether, and I'd definately love to at least explore with this person, I realized that people are a lot less complicated than what they originally intended to be. I'm thinking that for someone of my caliber, I'd have to have someone who would take me years to figure out. Someone who after I'd spent all this time with them, I still couldn't sum them up. Someone that just absolutely could not be summed up in a single sentence. And half the guys that I want to get involved with are quite frankly just too simple for my tastes. But that doesn't mean that they aren't cute. Not at all. But of course, one wonders about the origins of the people that come from. You'd be absolutely surprised to find that some of the most haughty people come from simplified origins. And they simply act that way to shadow up their own pathetic existance. But I'm not calling anyone out, I'm simply saying it as an all around statement.
In other news, I got back my 2nd midterm today, and hooray for me I managed to squeeze out yet another A. I sincerely hope that I manage to get an A out of that class, cause lord knows I've worked my ass off for it. And something else I've realize, is it healthy whenever the very mention or sight of the back of someone's head ignites an unconquerable, all-encompassing rage? Perhaps not. But then, perhaps. It is the reason why I don't speak to nearly as many people nowadays, which gets me off the hook. And my Xbox broke, for some odd reason. Whatever the issue, I'm through with it anyway. I'm gonna stay a PS2/3 person from now on probably because their stuff is just too faulty for me. Though it's kinda hard to believe. I never even got to finish Jade Empire! Dammit! :(
And now for other things, now that I've had a chance to sleep and think about the events from yesterday I'm starting to take that article to heart, and I've noticed that this particular person has a lot more interesting things surrounding them than what was thought at original face value. Including a plethra of health issues, and committment issues, as he revealed certain things out of his history, I realized that in truth it might not be in my best intrest to get involved with this kind of person. It's not to say that I'd just leave him alone altogether, and I'd definately love to at least explore with this person, I realized that people are a lot less complicated than what they originally intended to be. I'm thinking that for someone of my caliber, I'd have to have someone who would take me years to figure out. Someone who after I'd spent all this time with them, I still couldn't sum them up. Someone that just absolutely could not be summed up in a single sentence. And half the guys that I want to get involved with are quite frankly just too simple for my tastes. But that doesn't mean that they aren't cute. Not at all. But of course, one wonders about the origins of the people that come from. You'd be absolutely surprised to find that some of the most haughty people come from simplified origins. And they simply act that way to shadow up their own pathetic existance. But I'm not calling anyone out, I'm simply saying it as an all around statement.
In other news, I got back my 2nd midterm today, and hooray for me I managed to squeeze out yet another A. I sincerely hope that I manage to get an A out of that class, cause lord knows I've worked my ass off for it. And something else I've realize, is it healthy whenever the very mention or sight of the back of someone's head ignites an unconquerable, all-encompassing rage? Perhaps not. But then, perhaps. It is the reason why I don't speak to nearly as many people nowadays, which gets me off the hook. And my Xbox broke, for some odd reason. Whatever the issue, I'm through with it anyway. I'm gonna stay a PS2/3 person from now on probably because their stuff is just too faulty for me. Though it's kinda hard to believe. I never even got to finish Jade Empire! Dammit! :(
Thursday 23 June 2005
Oh the Irony...It Just Never Stops Coming....
It is approximately 2:40 am and I'm thinking that it was something oh so much later. And I have just finished sitting in someone's room for the last four hours trying to help him with a paper. And of course, temptation reined in the room at all hours of the night, but of course, the last thing I would have wanted to do was ruin what a great thing I had going/have going. I sat there and went through a paper sentence by sentence restructing the entire thing until he had something that was at least a whole lot better than what he had at the moment. I'm sure that Dr. Meyer is going to be wondering what happened to the last paper he turned in and this new one. But anyway between people running and out of the shower to barefoot sensations, the room was a veritable melting pot of sin for the entire night. And oddly enough, right before I went to see him upstairs, I had watched a documentary on Queer As Folk on VH1, which made some very interesting points, and which made me want to buy the show on DVD. So when I look online for the prices, I'll come back to let you know. But I keep thinking if my parents will let me keep it. And I've come to the realization that since it is my money, I will spend it the way that I properly see fit, and that there is nothing else to it.
Wednesday 22 June 2005
Ohhh No...It's Happening Again...
Oh man, I hate this. This is that semi-anually disease something in between anger, envy and pity that always ends up engulfing me at the wrong time. I absolutely can't stand it. I just spent the last two hours upstairs talking and listening to a story that would make Lifetime cringe. And of course, it was just so so perfect. And it ends oh so perfectly. And then to complicate matters, the bad part was in the caf, so it made everything so much worse than usual. Then to see someone so damn happy it's more than I take! I'm saying! Right about now, I'd be tempted to put in names into these blogs, but I just realized today that more people read this blog than what I had orginally anticipated, but it's alright. I'm through hiding. I was gonna put half of this stuff in the diary section where only I can access it, but there's really no point. If it's on the Internet, it can be accessed.
I'm so through listening to other people's relationship issues. Why is it that they think that they can just dump it on me when I don't really want to hear to begin with? Do they not realize all crap that I have to deal with in my own life? Apparently they either don't care, or they really want to press their impulses on you regardless. Whatever the reason, it matters not to me. I am absolutely through hearing about this person who had problems with this person because they slept with this person and now they want them back, or someone who loves someone else who refuses to admit it. Or someone who refuses to fall in love with anyone because they remained locked at all times. I am not a garbage can. I am a human being, I have to process all the thoughts and emotions that other people put on me and it makes it so much harder when I can't focus on what I'm doing till the point where I get lost in their shit. I tell you, I'm tired of this. I'm through hearing about this other person who has the perfect relationship in another state by they are fucked over by the fact that they can't be with their lover. I admire the fact and the lengths that someone will go for someone else, but it makes it much harder when I have to think about this at the end of the day. At the end of the night, I have to deal with the fact that everyone has unloaded on me, and their clear and free to do whatever it is that they want, and me, I can't do home to think straight without across someone else's thoughts. Can't I be free to have my own thoughts one of these days?
Some people think that I'm heartless and cruel while others think I'd sacrifice myself for the world. In truth, I'm more of the latter than the former. In all truth, there are a few people on this earth that I would distinct and utter pleasure watching bleed in the middle of the street. Granted, they are few and far inbetween, but in truth, I would relish watching them struggle in pain, and I wish at times that I could reflect the damage that they do at me back at them. If they had any inkling of what I'd do to them, then it would probably keep them from talking to me at all. Which, I guess is a good thing cause it keeps me from dealing with their problems. Which is always a good thing.
I'm so through listening to other people's relationship issues. Why is it that they think that they can just dump it on me when I don't really want to hear to begin with? Do they not realize all crap that I have to deal with in my own life? Apparently they either don't care, or they really want to press their impulses on you regardless. Whatever the reason, it matters not to me. I am absolutely through hearing about this person who had problems with this person because they slept with this person and now they want them back, or someone who loves someone else who refuses to admit it. Or someone who refuses to fall in love with anyone because they remained locked at all times. I am not a garbage can. I am a human being, I have to process all the thoughts and emotions that other people put on me and it makes it so much harder when I can't focus on what I'm doing till the point where I get lost in their shit. I tell you, I'm tired of this. I'm through hearing about this other person who has the perfect relationship in another state by they are fucked over by the fact that they can't be with their lover. I admire the fact and the lengths that someone will go for someone else, but it makes it much harder when I have to think about this at the end of the day. At the end of the night, I have to deal with the fact that everyone has unloaded on me, and their clear and free to do whatever it is that they want, and me, I can't do home to think straight without across someone else's thoughts. Can't I be free to have my own thoughts one of these days?
Some people think that I'm heartless and cruel while others think I'd sacrifice myself for the world. In truth, I'm more of the latter than the former. In all truth, there are a few people on this earth that I would distinct and utter pleasure watching bleed in the middle of the street. Granted, they are few and far inbetween, but in truth, I would relish watching them struggle in pain, and I wish at times that I could reflect the damage that they do at me back at them. If they had any inkling of what I'd do to them, then it would probably keep them from talking to me at all. Which, I guess is a good thing cause it keeps me from dealing with their problems. Which is always a good thing.
Tuesday 21 June 2005
This Is Divine Intervention
I found this article directly as soon as I finished typing that last blog! Perhaps something is telling me something.
Somebody to love
Charles Purdy
Dear Social Grace,
I'm a 24-year-old man with a college education and a good career, and I volunteer for a nonprofit organization.
My problem is dating: I don't. My friends and family say that I am much too picky when it comes to dating. I think that I have every right to be picky, and I refuse to settle for anything less than I know I deserve. My basic requirements are that a guy have a job, a car and no emotional baggage. I also search the profiles because choice of words, personal revelations and the content of the profile are important factors when I'm deciding if I should drop a line to someone. If the guy can't be grammatically correct, obviously a conversation with him would be a nightmare.
As I get older, this window of opportunity shrinks. Am I being too picky when it comes to dating? Am I asking too much?
Thanks!
Hopelessly Waiting
Dear Hopeless Sir,
First, a word to the wise: Never bitchily criticize others' grammar. When you do, you're almost certain to commit an egregious grammatical error in the very next sentence you write. The Grammar Goddess has a wicked sense of humor (I say this with worshipful reverence, Oh Mighty One). I've taken the liberty of removing a few minor grammar blunders from your letter, so do keep in mind that a person's ability to construct a well-ordered sentence is not always linked to his intelligence. Writing is a skill -- like playing the piano or repairing a car; it's not always an accurate measure of a person's IQ. Dear Social Grace,
I'm a 24-year-old man with a college education and a good career, and I volunteer for a nonprofit organization.
My problem is dating: I don't. My friends and family say that I am much too picky when it comes to dating. I think that I have every right to be picky, and I refuse to settle for anything less than I know I deserve. My basic requirements are that a guy have a job, a car and no emotional baggage. I also search the profiles because choice of words, personal revelations and the content of the profile are important factors when I'm deciding if I should drop a line to someone. If the guy can't be grammatically correct, obviously a conversation with him would be a nightmare.
As I get older, this window of opportunity shrinks. Am I being too picky when it comes to dating? Am I asking too much?
Thanks!
Hopelessly Waiting
Dear Hopeless Sir,
First, a word to the wise: Never bitchily criticize others' grammar. When you do, you're almost certain to commit an egregious grammatical error in the very next sentence you write. The Grammar Goddess has a wicked sense of humor (I say this with worshipful reverence, Oh Mighty One). I've taken the liberty of removing a few minor grammar blunders from your letter, so do keep in mind that a person's ability to construct a well-ordered sentence is not always linked to his intelligence. Writing is a skill -- like playing the piano or repairing a car; it's not always an accurate measure of a person's IQ.
That said, however, if you want to date only the sort of fellow who knows his subjunctive case from a subordinate clause, you have every right to hold out for him. Only you can know whether you're "too picky." Here's the question you have to ask yourself: "Is sticking to my standards more important to me than finding someone to snuggle with on a regular basis?" And there's no wrong answer. Some people have found true love by crossing a few items off of their "must have" lists. And some people have found that they're much happier alone than with someone who doesn't meet several very specific criteria.
Anyway, there is more to life than having a boyfriend. If you think that having a boyfriend will solve any of the problems in your life, you're not only wrong but also unprepared for a serious relationship. Find a way to be happy on your own; otherwise, you're going to be miserable (and make the other person miserable) when you're in a relationship. (Does all of this sound familiar? It should. I've just summarized a great many dating-advice/self-help books.)
Finally, complaining about a shrinking "window of opportunity" at the ripe old age of 24 will make many, many people want to slap you -- so let's put an end to that, too. Sure, as time goes on, you'll lose your power to enchant people who prize youth. But 10, 20 or 30 years from now, you should, if all goes well, be a wiser person than you are now. This wisdom will only make you better prepared for love.
Somebody to love
Charles Purdy
Dear Social Grace,
I'm a 24-year-old man with a college education and a good career, and I volunteer for a nonprofit organization.
My problem is dating: I don't. My friends and family say that I am much too picky when it comes to dating. I think that I have every right to be picky, and I refuse to settle for anything less than I know I deserve. My basic requirements are that a guy have a job, a car and no emotional baggage. I also search the profiles because choice of words, personal revelations and the content of the profile are important factors when I'm deciding if I should drop a line to someone. If the guy can't be grammatically correct, obviously a conversation with him would be a nightmare.
As I get older, this window of opportunity shrinks. Am I being too picky when it comes to dating? Am I asking too much?
Thanks!
Hopelessly Waiting
Dear Hopeless Sir,
First, a word to the wise: Never bitchily criticize others' grammar. When you do, you're almost certain to commit an egregious grammatical error in the very next sentence you write. The Grammar Goddess has a wicked sense of humor (I say this with worshipful reverence, Oh Mighty One). I've taken the liberty of removing a few minor grammar blunders from your letter, so do keep in mind that a person's ability to construct a well-ordered sentence is not always linked to his intelligence. Writing is a skill -- like playing the piano or repairing a car; it's not always an accurate measure of a person's IQ. Dear Social Grace,
I'm a 24-year-old man with a college education and a good career, and I volunteer for a nonprofit organization.
My problem is dating: I don't. My friends and family say that I am much too picky when it comes to dating. I think that I have every right to be picky, and I refuse to settle for anything less than I know I deserve. My basic requirements are that a guy have a job, a car and no emotional baggage. I also search the profiles because choice of words, personal revelations and the content of the profile are important factors when I'm deciding if I should drop a line to someone. If the guy can't be grammatically correct, obviously a conversation with him would be a nightmare.
As I get older, this window of opportunity shrinks. Am I being too picky when it comes to dating? Am I asking too much?
Thanks!
Hopelessly Waiting
Dear Hopeless Sir,
First, a word to the wise: Never bitchily criticize others' grammar. When you do, you're almost certain to commit an egregious grammatical error in the very next sentence you write. The Grammar Goddess has a wicked sense of humor (I say this with worshipful reverence, Oh Mighty One). I've taken the liberty of removing a few minor grammar blunders from your letter, so do keep in mind that a person's ability to construct a well-ordered sentence is not always linked to his intelligence. Writing is a skill -- like playing the piano or repairing a car; it's not always an accurate measure of a person's IQ.
That said, however, if you want to date only the sort of fellow who knows his subjunctive case from a subordinate clause, you have every right to hold out for him. Only you can know whether you're "too picky." Here's the question you have to ask yourself: "Is sticking to my standards more important to me than finding someone to snuggle with on a regular basis?" And there's no wrong answer. Some people have found true love by crossing a few items off of their "must have" lists. And some people have found that they're much happier alone than with someone who doesn't meet several very specific criteria.
Anyway, there is more to life than having a boyfriend. If you think that having a boyfriend will solve any of the problems in your life, you're not only wrong but also unprepared for a serious relationship. Find a way to be happy on your own; otherwise, you're going to be miserable (and make the other person miserable) when you're in a relationship. (Does all of this sound familiar? It should. I've just summarized a great many dating-advice/self-help books.)
Finally, complaining about a shrinking "window of opportunity" at the ripe old age of 24 will make many, many people want to slap you -- so let's put an end to that, too. Sure, as time goes on, you'll lose your power to enchant people who prize youth. But 10, 20 or 30 years from now, you should, if all goes well, be a wiser person than you are now. This wisdom will only make you better prepared for love.
Sunday 19 June 2005
It's Father's Day...Of Course...
Okay, so today was pretty ordinary, it was pretty chill by comparison. But there was a few spots worth mentioning. First off, I got to the bottom of why a friend of mine wouldn't say why she wouldn't do virgins. It turns out that she feels that virginity is ultra-special to her and that unless she really likes you, she wouldn't break it so that you're not introduced to the sex-drug she calls it. In truth, I can see why she says that, because I've heard that once guys are introduced to sex in general they just lose their minds completely and crave after it all the time. But I retorted to her that if all the girls in the world felt the same way, then no guys would ever end up getting laid. But unfortunately, we get people who are on both edns of the sexual spectrum, and you have those girls who refuse to break virginity, and then the other ones who like Samatha off Sex and the City who spends her life looking for virgins to break. And the problem comes in when you find one who is like Samatha, you often do enjoy the sex so much that it is the beginning of an unstoppable sex craze. And then that's when the problems start for real.
On another note, I finally told off someone today for her recent actions that she's been piling up against the people in the lab. She needed to be brought down a few pegs, and I had to do the job cause it was getting out of hand. And even though I didn't mean to, I had to tell her. She started to cry, but I had to let her know. I told her that she had four areas that she had to fix in order to straighten up. A) she was too straight-forward, and she had a serious problem talking down to people. I told her that she had a major problem with her tongue and that she had to tone it down a few notches. The second problem, B) she takes everyone's responsiblity upon her own shoulders and in reality it's really none of her business. I told her that she needs to keep her business strictly to herself. C) She opens her mouth far too quick and says things before she realizes the consequences. I told her that she needs to know the difference between talking and saying something rude that might potentially hurt someone's feelings. D) She cannot continue to demean our school (UNCP) and then talk about how great her own school is. I told her that she has no right to talk about how bad our school is when she doesn't go here herself. And after I got finished telling her off, we left as she explained that everywhere she goes, people continuing saying the same thing. Which tells me that this a potential problem that she continues to have. But...it's not my problem.
Immediately there after we were in the caf eating, and I was explaining to the rest of the group about what went on, and we noticed that she was coming up the walkway, and then we unanamously decided that it was time to disppear. And that, was that. And of course, I had to call my dad and let me know what was up.
On another note, I finally told off someone today for her recent actions that she's been piling up against the people in the lab. She needed to be brought down a few pegs, and I had to do the job cause it was getting out of hand. And even though I didn't mean to, I had to tell her. She started to cry, but I had to let her know. I told her that she had four areas that she had to fix in order to straighten up. A) she was too straight-forward, and she had a serious problem talking down to people. I told her that she had a major problem with her tongue and that she had to tone it down a few notches. The second problem, B) she takes everyone's responsiblity upon her own shoulders and in reality it's really none of her business. I told her that she needs to keep her business strictly to herself. C) She opens her mouth far too quick and says things before she realizes the consequences. I told her that she needs to know the difference between talking and saying something rude that might potentially hurt someone's feelings. D) She cannot continue to demean our school (UNCP) and then talk about how great her own school is. I told her that she has no right to talk about how bad our school is when she doesn't go here herself. And after I got finished telling her off, we left as she explained that everywhere she goes, people continuing saying the same thing. Which tells me that this a potential problem that she continues to have. But...it's not my problem.
Immediately there after we were in the caf eating, and I was explaining to the rest of the group about what went on, and we noticed that she was coming up the walkway, and then we unanamously decided that it was time to disppear. And that, was that. And of course, I had to call my dad and let me know what was up.
Saturday 18 June 2005
And the Plot Thickens...
It seems to me that I really do generate drama like a nuclear reactor for absolutely no reason. I mean half the time that it happens, I'm never expecting it and then it just hits me straight in the face for no reason whatsoever. I decided to just blow my shit straight open and joined Gay.com today and did some looking around, and ran across quite a few interesting people. Including two potential friends. One here at Pembroke, and the other in Lumberton. I'm only posting this blog so I can remember to email him tomorrow at mbp003@uncp.edu and possibly meet up with him. However I think it would be interesting to see the look on his face when I tell him who I really am. Cause people here at this school know me without officially knowing me. But I suppose he'll be finding out soon enough. And then, more drama when something happened later that changed the direction from one to the other. For some reason, it just happens. Maybe. Perhaps, I don't know.
Friday 17 June 2005
When the Unexpected Happens to You...
Well now. Isn't it just befitting that stuff would happen to me really out the blue? I mean, when I'm trying to work and do my thing and unforetunately, everything always get thrown out of order, and then it only gets worse as time goes on. Take for example, today. I'm just minding my business and going to my classes and whatnot. It was my intention to just run up in the caf and leave, you know in and out. But unforetunately, when I got in there trying to be as focused as possible, I see this face from behind the spice rack, but I don't pay no attention to it. Next thing I know, this entity appears to me (he he he no names) and of course, it's the current object of my affection at the moment. I was totally blown away of course, but I wouldn't ever say anything to that to him. So we strike up a conversation and we're getting to a good and deep part, when all of a sudden my ex from last summer appears out of nowhere and hugs on me like everything was supposed to be fine. Isn't that some shit? I had assumed that she had graduated over in May and that I wouldn't ever see her again. But there she was all over again in her fantasic glory. I think that you can really see the potential in a certain person if you think a person is gone, and then when you see them again, your hearts stops as it always had in the past.
Wednesday 15 June 2005
The Anatomy of a Kiss...
Let's see...I'm sitting here now thinking, that if I had my choice to describe, what would I call the perfect kiss? Well if I were with someone in particular, and we were in my room, it'd probably start real slow, like me leaning over and kissing ever so slowly, lightly, starting with the eyes, the eyelids, and working my way down slowly, feeling my lips brush the edge of his nose, down to the bridge of his mouth, but never touching the lips. working around, I'd start kissing the neck, the sides, and I'd kiss his earlobes slowly, nibble just a bit to hear him moan just a little bit, and keep kissing, going to the neck, slowly, kissing down slowly, feeling my hands go underneath his shirt. The sweat is pouring now, making his shirt stick to his body, and it only makes us more excited, as I slide my fingers underneath, my fingertips gliding over top, as I pull the shirt off slowly, and keep kissing, letting my lips touch his skin, as I go down and kiss his nipples as they harden to the touch. Adding my tongue, I feel him shiver slowly, and I smile feeling the rection, as move down and start licking, feeling my tongue slide over him, as I move downward, sliding my fingers downward under the belt buckle, I can feel him resist, pulling my hand back, but I fight him, and slide down, feeling it pulse in my reach. Rubbing slowly, I feel him get harder, and harder. As I work my way back up, and start kissing again, but this time, our lips connect, as I plunge my tongue deep into his mouth, sliding my tongue over his teeth, and over his tongue, tasting the sweetness of another's saliva. Meanwhile, my hand is sliding back and forth in his jeans, and he's trying desperately to squirm out of my grasp. I can feel my fingers getting slippery, wet, moist and it's making me happy. It means I'm doing my job. But as his body arches under mine, and convulsions happen out of control, I feel as though I've only done what a good friend would have done, right?
The Complete Opposite
Apparently today is just a day of serious drama in different opposites. How is it possible to harbor so much anger in someone? The kind of anger that whenever you think about it gives you heartburn that no amount of Pepsid AC or Pepto Bismol will cure. The kind of anger that makes you unable to see straight. Makes your vision waver in and out like heat waves licking up the air off the pavement. I was thinking that at times I really wish that people would be able to get the point of what I was thinking before I actually say anything. Just thinking about it now makes my blood pressure go through the roof. I can feel my heart speeding up rapidly, and feel the blood pulsing through my brain. It makes my fingers more aware, my senses more acute and makes my overall demeanor into something other than what it is. There are very few times when I allow anger to interfere into what I'm doing. There are times when you have to allow yourself to cap the anger off into one particular area to keep from exploding in another. But the kind of anger that would melt the screens off these crappy computers. The kind of anger that would scorch the carpet, and crack the glass in the surrounding area. And you would set someone on fire and watch them in a sadistic display of honor, watching as their eyes pop, and their skin flake off piece by piece. And for what? Simply to know that they're feeling what you're feeling. Sometimes, I just wish I could inflict a pain like that on people's mental capacity. It's times like these when I wish I really was an Energy Vampire. You know, the kind that can absorb people's emotions and turn them back on themselves. The kind of people that can make someone want you so bad that it hurts inside. You can't eat, can't sleep, can't breathe. And you'd watch them as they suffered slowly and think about it with immense relish. Damn it, why the fuck is he drinking Diet Coke? As if he wasn't supposedly perfect already! Dammit! this SHIT DON'T MAKE NO DAMN SENSE! I mean, why the fuck would someone sit there and be oblivious to the fact that they think they are God? Don't you already have enough followers? Don't you realize there are people who would stab themselves and bleed at your command? Fuck it. I really, really hope that he gets whats coming to him. I hope that years from now he really gets whats comnig to him. I hope that when he gets married that he realizes that his wife is a whore, and as much as he is, and that she doesn't want anything to do with any part of him. I hope that he runs out of friends, and out of family and that they move back to where they were going and they leave him behind to persue his perfect career with his medical stability. I hope that he runs out of everything, and everyone, and when all is over, I hope that he finds out the lowest of the low. I hope he realizes that when he was on top and everything was going so well and when he had everything, that it was only as good as the looks and the brains. God forbid that he get a viral skin eating disease, or something around the same platform. I hope that his kids, (I hope he never has any, he'd make a horrible father) realize what a fuck up he is and how much they hate him. And in the end of all of this, when his world is completely shattered, and everything around him has died, and everyone has left, and all is darkness and gone, I hope that he....comes back to me.
Tuesday 14 June 2005
An Idle Mind is the Devil's Playground pt. 2
Man...I dont' know what else to say but man! This shit don't make no sense. There are just some things that one shouldn't think about. There are things that are incredibly dangerous that can cause serious problems to one's mental and physical health if they are approached. I have seen more problems (the sexual like) on this campus over the summer than any in any particular school semester. Take for instance in this one particular room, (ya'll who know, know.) I could get into serious trouble if I continue to think and dwell upon this dwelling. There's a particular person in there that though I see them everyday (and though the name is tempting, I refuse to subject myself or anyone to that kind of torture) it's just soo hard to keep from saying a nice word. It's a person that when you look at them, your eyes start hurting because they're just that beautiful. And it's not they're neccessarily model-esque status, cause they're not, but something about them just attracts them involuntarily to you. I know, I know. This is the same kind of shit that got me in trouble with that motherfucker Patrick, but still, I'm thinking that maybe I'll never learn. But I know now that I took things there too fast last time, and because of it, everything fell apart even when I didn't want it to. But you know, it's soo difficult to not say something to someone when you really want to. And the thoughts that you have about this person, oooohhhh if they knew, you'd probably be arrested. Things that you said you'd never do that you want to do so bad, and even if it goes against your morale code, you'd try it with this person just because they're that type to make you wanna explore. My God, it doesn't make sense! Wouldn't life just be soo much easier, if you could explain things to people without having to hide? If you could just walk up to them and be like, "Hey you know? I have something I have to tell you. I am really really attracted to you. And though I know you're not probably on the same link as me, I just thought I should let you know. Please don't hate me for eternity for feeling the way I do." And then the sad part is, you don't say anything to them, the summer ends, and they vanish, and then you find out from someone else that they are gay, straight or bi, and you wanna shoot yourself in the face because you never asked them anything of the subject because you're too chicken shit to do anything about it. But you know what? I'm just saying, even if you didn't have to say anything, you'd rather leave things the way they are because secretly you like the way that it makes you feel. You like the way your heart jumps when you see them, the way your stomach does Dominique Dawes jumping flips when they turn to look at you. You love it when you blush (even if they can't see it) when they acknowledge you exist. And you love the way they look at you with that hunger, such an intense hunger that makes you wanna throw them on the cafeteria table and strip off clothes right then and there in front of everyone. And in my mind I could see the rain, caught in a thunderstorm on the way back to campus from a party in the Courtyard or something, and hiding under a buidling or something, and then it starts as talking, just innocently, and then I get bold and tell them, and they stare back at me, melting my insides to liquid mush, and they talk back slowly at first, unsure of how to continue. And then as the conversation moves slower, they sit down on your lap and the conversation gets slower, until without realizing it we are close to one another only an inch away as the make-out begins, slowly and more intimate and then you feel their hands pressing inside of your shirt, sliding fingers down over your skin, burning hot, and you return the favor, putting the breaks on, and sliding your hands over their back going underneath the shirt feeling ever slowly around the waist sliding your hands down...as you undo the belt buckle, and slide the jeans off...okay and on that note, I'm gonna stop. Dammit! What is this guy doing to me?
Friday 10 June 2005
...too much...
Okay here it is Thursday, and in the last two days I have potentially got a job opening, realized the scandalous nature of McDonald's, stared down like eight guys and tried to go on a date with this chick named TJ. Oh yeah add to that turned in yet another paper and took a midterm, and you can see why I've been keeping on the low pretty much over the last few days. I'm sitting here wondering how is it possible that you can look at someone and just totally lust after them and they not know? Why can't symptoms be soo much more obvious? I keep looking around here just thinking to myself that it's so wrong. The human mind is a tortous device. Dammit! I hate this. I hate the fact that you can never be really direct with people. You can never tell them precisely what you feel, because YOU don't even KNOW how you feel. It's so wrong.
In British Literature we discussed about how virgins, (both male and female) were considered the highest form closest to God in the old days. God, how far we have fallen. Nowadays, if you're a virgin, you're considered pathetic and weak and of the fallen lineage, not of the holy one. The holy people are those who give the best blow job, can ride the best dick and so on. And those who haven't quite achieve the level of the divine porn star status can still be considered among the ranks of the elite because they're working their way up the chain.
Those who are so impartial to the idea of intimacy, don't realize what a gift they have been granted. There are so many things worse than they realize. Just to touch someone, to hold them is something that some people would die for. Yet it's thrown so freely here. America. The land of whores both male, female and transvestite.
In British Literature we discussed about how virgins, (both male and female) were considered the highest form closest to God in the old days. God, how far we have fallen. Nowadays, if you're a virgin, you're considered pathetic and weak and of the fallen lineage, not of the holy one. The holy people are those who give the best blow job, can ride the best dick and so on. And those who haven't quite achieve the level of the divine porn star status can still be considered among the ranks of the elite because they're working their way up the chain.
Those who are so impartial to the idea of intimacy, don't realize what a gift they have been granted. There are so many things worse than they realize. Just to touch someone, to hold them is something that some people would die for. Yet it's thrown so freely here. America. The land of whores both male, female and transvestite.
Wednesday 1 June 2005
I Guess I'll Die Another Day....It's Not My Time to Go
Well it has occured to me that yet another day has flown past. I think it's funny how when you think of something that's so far away, it seems like it will take forever to reach you, and you feel as though nothing is going to happen until you get there. Take for example when I first arrived in college, that was nearly two years ago now, and look where I am now, and I'm thinking that time really is moving too fast. I'm another year older, and I'm currently growing older as I type, and it just makes me think that perhaps we really don't know what we have going for us. I was just outside talking with a good teacher/friend of mine who informed me that she thought it was crazy to declare two major/minors at this school at one time. I told her that the big break was the fact that I'd have two pieces of paper on my wall instead of one, and she simply looked and smiled.
I know that in the back of her mind she was thinking that I'm all talk, and that's what many college students say when their own their way to creating what kind of life they want to live. But in my opinion, why is it so hard for others to accept something that you want to do? What if, in the farthest stretch of the imagination, that I'd actually chose to get my two degrees? Would it be that hard to concieve? Surely not, because plenty others before me have done what I am trying to do and succeeded at it. But then why is it so hard for people to grasp the concept of what I'm trying to do? What if...follow me on this, what if people actually worked for what they wanted and it came true? What if there wasn't all of this polictical and economical shit in the way and what we wanted we worked for and got, and that was the end of it? I grow weary of the concept that what you want will only remain that way, until something supernatural comes to replace it. I'm thinking in terms of a new time. The time of now. But now anyway, before I completely disappear into a starving rant, I got one of my papers back in Brit Lit today.
And got a hundred to my surprise and delight. It's just the first step towards a long and tedious time frame, ending in the A that I want in that course. Jessica is supposed to be coming tonight, so I wonder if I'll get to see her before she vanishes again. And the best part about this is, I get paid tomorrow. Of course, all my money is going to disappear before I'm able to see it, but still it's a lovely thought just the same.
Later.
I know that in the back of her mind she was thinking that I'm all talk, and that's what many college students say when their own their way to creating what kind of life they want to live. But in my opinion, why is it so hard for others to accept something that you want to do? What if, in the farthest stretch of the imagination, that I'd actually chose to get my two degrees? Would it be that hard to concieve? Surely not, because plenty others before me have done what I am trying to do and succeeded at it. But then why is it so hard for people to grasp the concept of what I'm trying to do? What if...follow me on this, what if people actually worked for what they wanted and it came true? What if there wasn't all of this polictical and economical shit in the way and what we wanted we worked for and got, and that was the end of it? I grow weary of the concept that what you want will only remain that way, until something supernatural comes to replace it. I'm thinking in terms of a new time. The time of now. But now anyway, before I completely disappear into a starving rant, I got one of my papers back in Brit Lit today.
And got a hundred to my surprise and delight. It's just the first step towards a long and tedious time frame, ending in the A that I want in that course. Jessica is supposed to be coming tonight, so I wonder if I'll get to see her before she vanishes again. And the best part about this is, I get paid tomorrow. Of course, all my money is going to disappear before I'm able to see it, but still it's a lovely thought just the same.
Later.
Tuesday 31 May 2005
An Idle Mind is the Devil's Playground pt. 1
Oh wow. So it's like 9:40pm right now, and I have an entire story of Beowulf left to finish and a paper to write about it, and I haven't done any real work as of yet. I've been totally and utterly hooked on MySpace, and I'm convinced this place has some sort of evil demonic power that it exudes over it's victims calling them back here on a daily basis. I'm sure that when I go to sleep tonight, I'll be seeing all kinds of screenames and the sort in my head. But in truth, I like this place a lot.
I got a good chance to actually go and search around and give myself time to breathe. And what I found out there is quite amazing. I even emailed quite a few ladies and gents, and hopefully I'll be getting some responses back within the next few days or whatnot. Some of the pictures out there are utterly breathtaking, while others are...let's just keep it friendly. Anyway, I suppose I should be working on Hrothgar and his men in their castle, but in truth, I'd rather be back out there searching for more people to connect with. I suppose I have to be a crackfiend and tear myself away from the site long enough to get some work done and go to sleep. Otherwise, I'll show up to Mr. Bourquin's class tomorrow looking like an undead zombie. And of course, we don't wanna disappoint that man. Speaking of which, now's a good time to describe precisely what went down the other day when I went into his class.
We were just chilling out waiting for him to show up and whatnot when suddenly, I'm thinking to myself what I've heard about the man, and I'm thinking that he's going to be like some seventy year old geezer that doesn't know what the hell he's talking about (aka Ms. Russell) and all that, and I was truly dreading the class and all that good stuff. When suddenly in the middle of my thoughts, this man comes through the door and totally just blows everyone away. He looked like he was lifted right off the cover of playgirl magazine. 6'4, 200, very built, very muscular, Colgate smile with perfect hair, it was ridiculous. And in that instant, the girl behind me some crazy bitch named Julie just gasped and vocalized what everyone else in the class was thinking at the same time. I mean, this guy was gorgeous! And that doesn't describe the true magnitude of what I'm saying. Only a picture could do justice, and I'm not sure I can get one. But I'll definately have to work on it. And then we went from GQ magazine to Lord of the Rings with Professor Ladd's class. He's a really good teacher, but he's completely absorbed with his studies. And he's making us do entirely too much work. But then again, *sigh* it's the work of a English major, I suppose. And tomorrow my best girlfriend, Jessica is returning for one night, but I doubt I'll be able to see her, because I'm seriously trying to sleep for my classes which are everyday. Hopefully it will work out. I suppose now I'll go and work now. Till tomorrow.
I got a good chance to actually go and search around and give myself time to breathe. And what I found out there is quite amazing. I even emailed quite a few ladies and gents, and hopefully I'll be getting some responses back within the next few days or whatnot. Some of the pictures out there are utterly breathtaking, while others are...let's just keep it friendly. Anyway, I suppose I should be working on Hrothgar and his men in their castle, but in truth, I'd rather be back out there searching for more people to connect with. I suppose I have to be a crackfiend and tear myself away from the site long enough to get some work done and go to sleep. Otherwise, I'll show up to Mr. Bourquin's class tomorrow looking like an undead zombie. And of course, we don't wanna disappoint that man. Speaking of which, now's a good time to describe precisely what went down the other day when I went into his class.
We were just chilling out waiting for him to show up and whatnot when suddenly, I'm thinking to myself what I've heard about the man, and I'm thinking that he's going to be like some seventy year old geezer that doesn't know what the hell he's talking about (aka Ms. Russell) and all that, and I was truly dreading the class and all that good stuff. When suddenly in the middle of my thoughts, this man comes through the door and totally just blows everyone away. He looked like he was lifted right off the cover of playgirl magazine. 6'4, 200, very built, very muscular, Colgate smile with perfect hair, it was ridiculous. And in that instant, the girl behind me some crazy bitch named Julie just gasped and vocalized what everyone else in the class was thinking at the same time. I mean, this guy was gorgeous! And that doesn't describe the true magnitude of what I'm saying. Only a picture could do justice, and I'm not sure I can get one. But I'll definately have to work on it. And then we went from GQ magazine to Lord of the Rings with Professor Ladd's class. He's a really good teacher, but he's completely absorbed with his studies. And he's making us do entirely too much work. But then again, *sigh* it's the work of a English major, I suppose. And tomorrow my best girlfriend, Jessica is returning for one night, but I doubt I'll be able to see her, because I'm seriously trying to sleep for my classes which are everyday. Hopefully it will work out. I suppose now I'll go and work now. Till tomorrow.
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