The Coin of Friendship: Tails

so yeah. this really really hurts me to write. but I have to do it, or I'll never get over the situation. So after four years of waiting, of praying, of laying up late at night and wondering into the lengthening blackness, and hoping that he's okay, I finally met AJ today. It should've been a completely joyous reunion with lots of laughing and happiness, but instead what I got was this watered down version of the AJ I knew from before. I guess the old addage is totally true. Time changes all. I mean he looks the same I remember with the whole goofy smile and all of that, but now he's getting fat, with a beer belly, and he's seemed to fizzle out of the youthful energy that he once possessed. It was like looking at the shadow of the AJ that was once before me. And he had brought his girlfriend with him, which was totally innappropriate I thought at first because A) I mean we haven't seen each other in YEARS! And the one time that we do get a chance to get together, he brings his girlfriend?! I mean that's kinda fucked. But even I could over look that. In an attempt to see him again, that's something easy to get over. So yeah he came and this girl Beth is like a totally tween queen, and it was totally not the guy I used to know or the kinda girl he would date. I mean the thing is, she's like a totally prissy kinda princess. She's a sweet, nice innocent-looking glass girl, and he's so rough and jagged that I wouldn't have ever thought that. But I'm looking at him and realizing that he's lost the luster that he used to have. I mean he's like a flickering candle. And it was really sad to see. But the worst part of it all, is what he said at the end of the night, when he was driving me home.

When I told him that I couldn't believe I was in his truck after all this time, he was like, "why's that?" And I was like, well isn't it obvious? I mean we haven't seen each other in forever and you're asking me? And then to mmake matters worse, he was like, "Well I mean you guys just aren't that important to me anymore. I mean you weren't with me in Iraq, and the guys I was with, they're like my brothers!" I mean, GODDAMIT! I'm like sitting here crying now thinking about it. That's heartbreaking. You all just don't understand. I've known this guy for over 11 years. That's over half of my lifetime. We've gone to middle school, and all through high school and everything. I helped him through all of it. When he left I searched records and called Fort Bragg, and called his mom of any kind of information to know that he was still alive. I used to look up to him so much. And he totally totally let me down. And to tell me that I'm just a friend, just something to take his mind off of whatever he's doing. That hurts a lot. It was like years, and years, and years wasted. And dammit I hate him for that. How dare he make me feel worthless. You know what? I can't even write this anymore. I'm just too angry. I'm about to just start sobbing. So I'm gonna stop. Man, fuck AJ. Fuck him and his military "brothers" in Iraq. No body told him to go. That was his decision. I'm so over it. Fuck this.

The Coin of Friendship: Heads

So then. this is post one, and it represents what happened when I went out on Saturday with Kyle, Qasim, and Ryan to hang out and just chill and talk about shit, since I haven't seen them in about a year or more, since Pembroke and everything else gets in the way first. So it was fabulous. And this is the heads side of the coin. It was great. I went out with Kyle and we went to Wendy's had a bite to eat, and was constantly chatting and I got to know the whole scoop on his life and what's been happening in the two years that I've totally not been around, and I was able to listen to his thing and provide some good back support. Then later on, we went to Wal-Mart still talking and I shopped for some more stuff for DC. Then afterwards I went to Gamestop and bought a Nintendo DS and some new games for it. Then we met up with Ryan and Qasim and had dinner out at Kabuki, this kick-ass Japanese resturant, and laughed and talked the whole time. Afterwards, we left and went out the movies, where they wanted to see Shrek 3, but I had to get home in preparation for church today. So all in all it was fabulous. I had to talk to them about serious things though because I told them that I know that of the five of us, none of them but me, is actually doing ANYTHING in their lives that they actually want to do, and none of them is where they should be. I told them that I would help them any way I could but I refuse to go backwards in an attempt to pull them out of their rut. So yeah. It was bittersweet, but it was nice overall. And I had a blast. However, that's only part of the equation.

How Far Would You Deteriorate To Love Someone? ("Bug" spoiler alert!)

To me, that would be the subplot of the movie Bug, that I just went to see tonight. Personally I know my mind works differently than other peoples, and so when they saw it, they totally hated it and Mom claims it was the worst movie ever. Me? I totally disagree. I think that William Friedkin is a brilliant director. Coming from the man that directed the Exorcist, I think he knows precisely how to manipulate the human psyche, and he's a master at exploring the darkest parts of mentality as a whole. People hated Bug because they totally couldn't understand the concept of the movie. However a brilliant script combined with marvelous acting ability on the parts of Ashley Judd and her lover, produced a fabulous movie if you ask me. Even MSN knows I'm right and they gave Bug 4 stars, as opposed to Pirates of the Caribbean, which only recieved 2. Bug is not even about bugs. Not even close. But once again, it's one of those things were if you were looking at the commercial, you wouldn't understand the concept of the movie. And this particular film is so psychological, that you wouldn't get even a fraction of what the movie's really about. Ashley Judd's character is one, that is so lonely and so hopelessly lost in her pathetic life, that she's willing to open up her heart and her mind to anyone that would be willing to give her a chance, and this guy Peter, is just the one to do it. Though he's creepy and a total introvert, they warm up to each other and decide to sleep together. After that nigth though, everything gets worse, as Agnes (Judd) discovers what really is wrong with Peter. The incredible twist on the flick of the movie is that in normal circumstances, there have been plenty of flicks where people fall in love with mentally disturbed people. However they always turn them into the law, or the hospital, or in some cases, let them go. However in Bug, Judd is so desperate to keep this man that she's just known, that she actually falls into his delusion head first, transforming her apartment, her life, turning away all her friends, in order to stay with this man, to the point where she quite literally loses her mind. She is completely absorbed into Peter's delusion reality of this parasitic bugs, that she is the bug queen host, and he the drone host, and together they going to bring about the destruction of everyone else. She even goes as far to blame the disappearance of her son, Lloyd on the bugs and the military she believes to be responsible, (even though this is only what Peter informed her of, in his delusional state) and it result in the two of them committing suicide together in what they believe to be an act of cleansing, to free themselves from the bugs' continual torture. It was a fabulous movie, a total psychological masterpiece, and for anyone with a fully functioning brain that's completely open to new kinds of things, it's a must see. Granted, I was lost for a little while. I'm not going to lie. I didn't know where the movie was going, but once I realized that there were no bugs and no one was believing what they said, I understood what was happening. Judd's superb acting shows just how far a person can fall mentally when dealing with someone they truly care about. For her to destroy her own sanity to stay with this man, that is true love. And the movie gets 4 and half stars in my eyes. Well done, Mr. Friedkin. Well done.

Who You Calling a Cootie-Catcher, You Lint-Licker?!

lol. I so love that Orbit gum commercial. It's so totally profane but at the same time, it's not. lol. But that's not the reason why I named this blog like that. First off, I heard a new and disturbing rumor from Amber of all people (the big fat Amber of which I have limited to no contact with). Apparently she and my ex-roommate Matt had a falling out over something dealing with World of Warcraft (go figure), and he told her off over some stupid shit she was saying. So now to get back at him, she's systematically going through and destroying his relationships with his previous friends, claiming something that he said to disband each and every one of them. How am I involved? Well Matt called me and said that she claims that the only reason that Matt is even my friend at all is because he feels bad for me, and he's trying to gain pity points with other people by hanging out with a guy that's handicapped. Wow. That's low, isn't it? I mean I know. That's low, even for her, and that's hard to pull. Especially when I've spoken less than a paragraph to her over the course of the entire semester and now she thinks she knows everything about my relationships with my friends. Well I told Matt that's complete and utter bullshit, and that she doesn't know a damn thing she's talking about, which he already knows. But honestly, people say the ugliest things sometimes, trying to hurt somebody. And SHE has NO room to talk. AT ALL. If ya'll knew who I was talking about, you'd understand what I mean by that. Bigfoot has no competition. Put it that way.

So that's part one. Part two, as I'm getting ready for this move to DC, I've discovered some more interesting things about what's involved. And apparently I had no idea that it could be so costly! I mean I still have tons of things that I have to purchase for this damn trip! I've already bought the following:

2 new suit jackets, 3 pairs of pants, 5 polo shirts, two new belts, two new wheelchair tires, and two intertubes. I've paid for a copy of the transcript to get sent off to NASA and stuff. I paid my Altell bill, so that my phone will be on when I go to Maryland, and yet there's still a whole lot more to go, with only 9 days left to do it. I've still gotta get things like:

cologne, dry-cleaning, luggage, toiletries, a wheelchair cushion, a key (for the spokes), manicure, haircut, earrings, underclothes, entertainment, etc... so much involved. By the time I'm done shopping this whole preparation thing is gonna end up costing me about a thousand dollars. Yeah I know. It's a good thing I saved up. Otherwise, this would be a whole lot harder.

Speaking of saving up, I've decided what I'm going to do when I leave school next Spring. And the funny thing, the more I thought about it, the more realistic it becomes. It's not even that hard to imagine! After I finish school, I'll have about 10,000 dollars or more saved up in the bank, so I'm still trying to decide now if I want to go ahead and move into an apartment in the Pembroke area, next semester for a year lease, which would be paid off by financial aid, so that's not a problem. The pros and cons of the situation would say that while I have my own place in which to relax and enjoy at my leisure over Christmas and the holidays, I'd still have to pay to put food in it, and pay rent, and that in itself can be more trouble than it's worth. Either way, I'll finish out school in the Spring, and during next semester and the Spring, I'll be actively looking for apartments to move into, (and I'll be oogling DC while I'm there too) pay a down payment of a few thousand (6 months upfront is what I'm hoping), and then after graduation, UPS my stuff in a box, to my new apartment, take a flight out of NC, and be gone for good. Just that simple, with no coming back. It's kind of frightening, actually. It's actually coming closer. I just have to get through this next semester and the last one, and I'll be done forever. With school. Forever. Whoa. My head hurts thinking about it. I need to take an aspirin. Later.

Why Is Hydrocodon Such a Fabulous Thing?

4 missing teeth, that's why. I just had my wisdom pulled yesterday morning and it has been approximately 26 hours since they were literally ripped/drilled from my gums. This doctor told me to go and in the back and I'm waiting on him to explain to me the procedure again today like he did last week, and instead I find myself laying back on the table with a Nitrous Oxide (laughing gas for ya'll non science people) over my face. The interesting thing is, I don't know why it's called laughing gas. I was sooo not laughing. The only thing it did was force me to relax, which was the point I guess. So I'm sitting there breathing this stuff in waiting to fall asleep or something, which did not happen. Instead, the doctor comes in and pretty much without a word, stabs my arm with this needle, AFTERWARDS explaining that it was an IV, and so I'm laying there with this tube now in my arm with four heart monitors and pulse monitor on my finger, and then randomly I was staring at darkness. I wasn't asleep, but I could hear everything they said, but I couldn't respond or open my eyes. And I felt everything he did. He cut my gum open and inserted some weird ass forceps into my bone and started yanking my tooth out, and when he couldn't do that, he started drilling the crack the bone in two (I hated that part because I could feel my tooth breaking off in chunks. Not a very good feeling believe it.) THEN he pulled those out with the forceps. All I know is for the good part of yesterday I was out of it, and I was starving but couldn't eat. I still can't eat totally today, but I forced myself to down some soggy cereal. God this sucks! Wanting to chow but not being able to....grrrrr!!!!

Anyway on another story, I'm getting ready to leave for DC the weekend after next, and mom and them decided they were going to drive me up there to visit as well. I've started to set up some really good potential dates, so it sounds like it's gonna be fun!! Can't wait.

.....uugghhhh...I Hate This!!!!

Once again, this waiting shit is killing me! I can't stand it. I wish that whenever you've got something to do that time would just speed up so that way you could get whatever you need to done, and move on with it! I mean, dammit! But in other terms, I went shopping the other day and bought some truly kick ass clothing for the internship coming up soon. I bought two suit jackets, a grey and white pinstripe one, and a cream silk one. I bought three pairs of pants, one pair of Tommy Hilfiger jeans, and two slacks, one brown one blue. Then I bought a bunch of polos and shirts. Some Christian Dior, some Structure, a Geoffrey Beene or two. It's all very nice. On top of that, I went and purchased two new wheels and innertubes yesterday, I bought a new computer memory upgrade for my laptop, and found out how to wipe it clean. And I'm looking into purchasing a wheelchair cushion, and with that, everything will totally done. I'll be glad when its time to move on.

And as a side note, I'm tired of this front that mom and dad keep putting on. We've discussed this and they act like they're not listening to me. I'm gay, and they know this, but if they act like they don't care, I don't either. So whatever. But I do look forward to the day that I stop all the bullshit.

....Aaaaaaannnnndddd Time to Turn the Page....(flip)

So then. The semester's finally done. This hellish gauntlet-based chapter of life is finally over. And now I'm looking at the results with a smirk on my face kinda. I've been looking at BraveWeb every few minutes to see if my grades have been posted, and as of now, we have all but one: Modern Poetry (who had the hardest damn exam ever!) So I've gotten out of this semester with 2 A's, and 3 B's, which isn't totally bad, though it's SO not what I was thinking it was going to be. But I guess you get what you pay for. With the amount of class I missed, I guess I'm lucky that way. Either way, it's not bad, so I don't have too much to complain about. So yeah. Now comes the part I dread. The waiting. I hate this part. I had to do this to go to Germany, for three months, I had to do this to go back to school, and it's not that I don't enjoy being at home, it's just that I don't enjoy being at home. I mean it's relaxing and all, and it gives me a chance to think about something other than school persay, but god. Being in this house with my parents again makes me wonder how I ever did it for so long. And it's a huge motivation factor to get the hell out! But...that will come in time. I only have to put up with the waiting one more time. Christmas. After that, everything is gravy. I'm graduating in the Spring, packing a light suitcase and flying off to some city to do some job. I'll have them UPS my stuff to me once I find out where the apartment is located and stuff. It's quite simple really. Makes me wonder why I didn't do it in the first place. But we shall see, I guess.

And today I entered into the realm of the published, so to speak. My official author break came via "The Truth Magazine-Online" as the editor approached me last month with a possibility of using my story on their site. I accepted and as promised, it's there! So I have my first official review which reads:

For Fiction we highlight D' Arcee Neal and
his story The Curse of a Married Man. It's a
dark piece, written in a very personal tone,
taking the reader through a few unpredictable
passageways. Overall result, a really
entertaining read.

Ha. I'm finally done it. I'm glad he liked it. I hope the other people who read the story likes it too. And all of you read this profile and go read it....NOW!!! LOL. Just click on the link in blue. So anyway I'm gonna go and look how much a plane ticket to DC is gonna break my wallet, and sleep to go to church tomorrow. Later!

P.S. As an after update, I checked Braveweb again, and I got an A- in Poetry class. Hell yeah! I bet that paper was fucking awesome!