And So It's Done...

Well at least one of my wishes has finally come true. This nightmare of a semester is finally finished, which makes me kind of worry for what's to come. If this semester was so crucial, what the hell am I going to have to do next year? Gosh. It's a little bit daunting when you consider the possibilities. And of course, I now have this stupid ass apartment to take care of, but in a way I don't feel that bad about that part since I figured I ordered this I should continue with it and finish up with what I've got. But yes the semester is done and I didn't do half bad really. It had the potential to be a lot worse, since I had this serious bout of "I don't want to do shit," about halfway through, but I managed to push through that part and I think I made it alright. Unforetunately, all of my grades are still not in and to make matters worse the GPA part has not been calculated yet leaving me completely in the dark as to what the hell they call themselves doing over in the Registrar's office. It ain't like they got that much to do when the semester's done! Surely it wouldn't take an entire month just to imput coordinates and information into a computer for grades! But I guess for them, it does. Anyway, next semester I have a SHIT load of stuff to accomplish in order to get prepared for what happens when school is over. Off the top of my head let's see here:

*I've got to put in an application next month to VIA to go participate in their English study abroad in Malaysia (hopefully I'll get accepted into the program)

*I've got to finish drawing and getting together the application for FIDM to submit to them by Februrary.

*I have to submit an application to the HRC for the summertime in an attempt to get a paid internship there to hopefully lead to a more permanent position if something else doesn't come up.

*I've got to attend the informational meeting in January for the WRP so I can possibly do the NASA program again this summer to also lead to a permanet position.

*I've got to contact my mom about some freelance journalistic work for her magazine.

*I have to search for an apartment outside of the area to move to and figure out whether or not Shon is coming with me.

All of that. In a six month period on top of my classes...it's going to be a mess. At least I can happily say it will be the last mess I have to deal with. I finally finished Christmas shopping for everyone, so I just have to wait until the last of the stuff comes in and take it back. I also need to contact the people over at VR and see what can be done about this last semester and the future coming up. Ahhh...so much. makes your head wanna pop. At least in the interim I've discovered a temporary remedy. 24. That show is the SHIT! And the finale? Wow. They are a hot mess. that's all I'm gonna say about that.

Still Counting Down 186 Days Left....

I can't believe it's been almost a full month since I've last posted in this thing. Time really is flying too fast for me to keep up with. Yet at the same time, it's not moving fast enough to allow me to play Assassin's Creed and Mass Effect...grrrrr....anyways....so yeah what can I do as far as an update? Well the past month has been pretty interesting to say nonetheless. There's been some renewed interest in the love life department as I met and hung out with Max, but that's an interesting dilemma that I'm not sure I'm ready to tackle with. True, I've been wanting someone to hang out with for quite a while now so I could get to know and develop into something more substantial than just a light night fling, but I'm realizing that this is my final year in Pembroke and after May I probably won't be back to this town for the next two to three years again. So anything and anyone that I get involved with is going to have to be real down played. Anyway....


Max showed up and and we started to hang out and he's really cool. The thing about it is this. I know I'm not like Big Kevin. He's one of those guys who thinks that just because he's gay and "straight-acting" that this fact alone should automatically land him a man. I don't think that way. I've already come to terms with the fact that my mannerisms would be considered in the middle. I'm not ultra-macho with the whole "nailing bitches...playing football" thing but yet not ultra feminine either with the "let me get my MAC on first" kinda thing. I like the freedom that I get from having a little bit of both sides. However that doesn't mean that I'll date someone that's on either end of the spectrum either. I don't think I'd date an ultra masculine guy because he'd be too much into sports, which generally don't interst me, which would mean we wouldn't have a whole lot in common, while at the same time, I don't want someone who spends eight hours in the bathroom either. Not to say that Max is one or the other, but just for me personally, having just met him, he's a bit too much on the queeny side for me. He shows up to my apartment decked out in gold hoop earrings with this ponytail bun thing looking like he just put some foundation on and it was kind of embarrassing to have him introduced to my roommates. Now if I were alone with no one else there, it wouldn't have been a big deal, but they've been harping and harping on this same fact, so I didn't know what they would think about him. And I don't know what their impressions are nor do I want to. However, it was a little bit scary for me to bring him in there. But we did have a good time and we hung out and he's funny so maybe I'm not giving it a proper chance but at this point in the game, I already asked him what he plans on doing in the next year and he's staying here and creating a business. That's not my plans cause they sure as hell don't involve Robeson County, so we're not even in the same mainstream. And then you have Jamie who's been trying to talk to me for a while but honestly I didnt't want to hurt his feelings or anything. But he's not my type. Not that I have anything against guys bigger than me, but I don't see how that would help us in the long run. If I needed you to get my chair out of the trunk and you couldn't do it, where would that put us? Looking like dumbasses. So I don't bother. So I don't know. There's this guy Jose, but that's a warning flag if I ever saw one. For one thing he's 19 (which I normally don't do either way. Too young), but he's cute so I gave him the time of day. To which he responds that he needs to borrow his sister's car to come and see me. LIES and DECEPTION. I don't have a car myself but that's because of extinginuating circumstances. There isn't a whole lot of a reason why he should be borrowing a car like that. So yeah....

That's issue A. Issue B is the ever looming closeness of this situation with Grad School. I want to go to Fashion School. I really do. But I don't want to start over again. With another four year degree. And I don't want a degree lower than the one I've got. So what do I do? I could look other places but it's San Fran. I was so highly looking forward to going there for the life and it's looking like it's slowly slipping through my fingers. I haven't given up hope yet. I'll find out more and figure something out.

Turns out VR decided to do something right for a change. Delora Jacobs, who works with Ronnie Sampson told me that they decided to actually try and help pay for rent, which would be fabulous. So I'm supposed to be meeting up with her to discuss something to work something out so I can sign up papers and get some checks....which would be great.

Man I can't wait till this semester is over and I'm chilling with Julia over in Nashville. The end of this year just can't come fast enough. And yet I know that next semester will be complete torture. I can see it coming. Complete and utter SENIORITIS....

P.S. I almost forgot to add (and I can't believe I almost did) the new Britney Spears' album is the SHIIIIIIITTTTT!!!! Man I love her! Though she's losing her damn mind, she still knows how to make kick ass music. Thank you for that Brit!

The Ultimate Final Countdown Begins...198 Days and Counting...

October 17, 2007 - Wednesday

The Ultimate Final Countdown Begins...198 days and counting...
Current mood: calm

So just shy of my 200 day mark, I officially have 198 days left before I graduate with my degree on Saturday, May 3rd 2008 with my Bachelor of Arts in English Literature and two minors in Creative Writing and Musical Theatre. And I just can't wait for it. It's getting harder and harder to focus on what I've got to do for it. And yet at the same time, it gives me the boost to get up and do what I need. I just won't know what to do with myself after I get this degree. I've been in school so long, I don't know what else to do with myself. But I've dedicated myself to what I think I want to do afterwards, and I think it will be a fabulous opportunity for someone like me, and give me the chance to get out there and live life at the same time. I want to teach English internationally in other countries. And there's a lot of opportunities to get there, I just have to find the right avenues to do it. I'm not exactly sure what mom and dad think of the situation since I told them that I don't want to go to NASA and that government jobs are just not my flow. But I'm sure once they see that things will work out, they'll come around.

I'm doing better in my classes than I originally expected, though at this time in my graduation career, the GPA is becoming less of an issue as opposed to me just getting through the class with acceptable grades. I just want to be able to get through and get above a 3.0 and be good. That's all I want from all of this. So I can say I finished above average. So things on that front are pretty good.

I've found some amazing music tonight that I have completely fell in love with and ended up spending close to another 10.00 on Itunes tonight, between the new Underworld cd named "Oblivion With Bells," and believe it or not, Telepopmusik's "Angel Milk." I had no idea they had a new cd, and it is absolutely goregous. The song I have totally fallen for much like I did for their first cd, is now on my profile, "Don't Look Back." It's so beautiful. Much like my life after all this strife, when everything is finally over. I will be so ready. So ready. I can't wait to just cry it all out and move on.
Currently listening:
Angel Milk
By Télépopmusik
Release date: 21 June, 2005

And 1 Year Out of the Blue....

Frank. All I have to say is that one word, and immediately that's the end of the conversation. So after not hearing from him for like a year, over a year actually except one quick Happy New Year and a belated Birthday wish, I finally get a chance to have a conversation with him right before my 12:30 class. Dammit! So I come back and I sit and we chat. For a hot minute. And we go over everything. I mean I've thought about him, I've missed him, and apparently so has he, but things have changed like I was dreading they would. Now in a perfect world, he would have been waiting for me to contact him and he'd be single, ready and waiting for me to enter his life full-force so we could continue our relationship as though nothing was wrong and nothing had ever kept as apart for the last 13 months. However, this is not a perfect world. A fact that was painfully obvious to me as he started telling me about this Jason guy whom he met shortly after I left in LA and who he started dating and they've been dating for a year now. That fact is painful. Pretty painful when I think about the guy that meant so much to me is now with someone that I don't even know. But it just goes to show that he's moved on and I guess I probably should too. But the fact that he just appeared out of nowhere is amazing to me. I can't believe I actually located him enough to talk. That made my week. I only hope that it's not another year before we talk.

And just now Madonna's song "Nothing Fails" just came on and it's sooooo appropriate for how I feel with Frank. I just love Itunes. They know exactly what to say when I need it.

The Three Issues Happening Concurrently....

Okay so it's been a minute since I've been here but in that time a lot of stuff has occurred. Where to start.

First off, I got hit by a car on the way back from class one evening when I was crossing to go back to my apartment. Some guy totally slammed into me when I was waiting in the median for him to cross past me. But of course, he didn't past, he ran right into me. What an asshole. And he drove off before I could the license plate or anything. So that means that I got screwed and can't do anything about it. But whatever. And when the cops came, they told me first off, that I needed reflectors which is bullshit. Unless they wanna say that to every single student that's going back from class at night, that's crap. And then he tried to ask me why I was playing in the road, and of course I wasn't. He didn't believe I had class, which I did, and it was bad. So my chair is fucked on one side, but I'm managing somehow by holding it together slightly. So that's issue one.

Issue Two: I was with Clayton at his house last weekend and while I was there we had a really good time and I hung out with them and went to see Shoot Em Up. It was pretty bad but it was entertaingly bad. I really liked it and it was totally over the top. So yeah that was cool. And then Clayton brought me back and dropped me off and I got the second shock of the month. When I opened my door, my roommates informed me that a major storm had popped up in Pembroke while I was gone and for some reason, there's an issue with the drain pipe on the side of our building and the water drains inside the building instead of out of it. So basically I opened my door to discover that my entire carpet had absorbed the fury of the storm and it was a living swamp. The whole thing was wet and destroyed all the way through. Thank God I had my PS3 and Xbox on the shelf or they would've been destroyed too. So basically they wanted to tell me they weren't gonna do anything about it, so I said to fuck off and they finally got it fixed where they moved me over to another room while they fixed the original one. That was over a week ago, and interestingly it's still NOT fixed, but they claim it should be finished tomorrow. I sure hope so, cause this hiding in my room shit is ridiculous.

Issue Three: The new roommates are ridiculous. They're complete alkis and it's getting on my nerves. I was out there trying to do my laundry and Josh comes out and pops half a bottle of vodka and Sunny Delight at 12:37 in the afternoon. Couple that with the fact that they totally don't believe in sharing any of the food bill, and that makes for bad problems. So I'm through trying to be nice to them. And secondly one of them is with Phi Beta Sigma and I'm not on good terms with them right now. But I'm totally over it. But that was only a preview as to what was to come this afternoon.

Make Up Your Mind!

Okay so I've just come to another face slapping realization tonight as I logged in on my computer. One major high and one major low. On Tuesday afternoon, I found out that my application for the National Honors Society was approved, and that I got in. So I was really, really happy about that. However, I just realized just now that I was lied to YET AGAIN about this fucking fraternity thing.

The first time that shit happened was the night of bids for Phi Mu Alpha and I had asked my then friend Adam as to whether or not he was in or not. He flat out lied to my face and then Efrain turned around helped him cover it up. When I found out, I was so angry that I never wanted to speak to him again. However I realized tonight that it's happened again.

The other day Treco came over to the apartment and I asked him when Phi Beta Sigma was planning on having another line since everyone was under the suspicion that they don't have a line since they haven't had one in a long time, and we were told when I went last year, that they didn't have time to run a line thanks to Marvin running the school and stuff. So when I asked Treco what was going to happen, he told me to wait until the old regime was out of office before new people were elected in. Well folks, that was another FLAT out lie. Tonight Liddia (who is a Zeta) proclaimed that not only did they have a line last semester, they have a probate on Friday!!! This makes me so angry. Then didn't TELL anyone. And I'm so pissed.



Why is it that I can't seem to have that what I want most? Everyone tells me I'm well-qualified to be in a fraternity and that I have a lot of qualities for the thing however I've done this shit three times now (five if you include twice for PMA and once for DLP) and I just can't seem to convince anyone.



And I know people like Efrain really feel bad for me, but I'd rather not get in than to appear desperate and to run out to everyone's Rushes and shit. I'm not gonna do that, and it's not worth it. My dignity will prevent me from doing that. What I have left, that is.

I've Become the Male "Claire"

Okay so here it is. This is my attempt at doing what my teacher wants us to start doing now. She claims that everyday we need to spend at least 30 minutes writing something not matter what it is, so in the future when we need to write something up, we can easily just call on the subject. So I'm gonna start doing that. But I won't post it here because quite frankly I think that the entries would just start getting to be too long. But I'm going to start doing it on today and really devote my time to that because I think it will be pretty important. That's why I admire people like Claire's character on Six Feet Under. She is an artist and most of the time she's very dedicated to her craft. I love how she will sit and stare at paintings for hours just trying to "break open her eye" as she calls it. It allows her to see art in a new kind of way, or something. But I figure I should probably do the same thing. If I am going to be an English major I should probably start to dedicate my energy toward my craft so I know what I'm getting into. That would mean looking at designers familizaring myself with different techniques of clothes, and the cuts, and things like that. But we'll see.

As you can see, I've started writing poetry again, although it's for my poetry class but it's actually very theraputic. I can see why people do it quite frequently. It allows you to say the things you really want to without getting so complicated and confused. And if you want the world to read it, you can and even if they do, the meaning is locked in only for you. So yeah. I think my classes are going to be very beneficial for me this semester in that they're designed to get you indepth on the material and it will really help me out. But we'll see...

The Execution

Did you hear? Aren't you excited?

I hear there's to be an execution!

I heard from my neighbor who told her cousin

Who whispered to her boss, as she wrote to her daughter

That today is finally the day.

If you ask me, it's about time they put her out.

That thing has been an abomination since we saw her.

Always on the edge,

The edge of town, the edge of her mind.

I think she likes it there.

But who's to say what she likes?

I mean we already know.

Everyone knows. When you turn her way the air is pungeant, sour with lies.

Lies she tells? I don't know. I only know what I hear.

And I hear there's going to be an execution.

Everyone gathers round her house. There's sequins, cotton, laces, and even the silks

Stop long enough to savor the wind.

There she is, helpless cowering leaf folded inward as if to shield herself from the truth.

The truth that she's....she's...my mouth stings with the word.

Tis not lady-like to say that. That's what mother says. If only she could see this.

This...animal. Has she no sense? Who's loyalties has to she to herself?

With this, baby. This, almond colored, mocha latte anomalie.

"White." murmurs the coloreds. What do they know? It is another ink blot.

Years of doing laundry, yet they don't know a stain when they see it?

How can that thought be entertained? The very thought is beyond lunacy. Black, we say. Obviously.

And the execution starts. The laces step forward, spewing lashing tongues, slicing her mind.

The sequins come next throwing heavy accusations that break her will.

The cottons follow then, smothering her breath in moist rumors. She is still.

Unmoving but alive.

Finally the executioner arrives, silk blowing in the breeze. Everyone is silent.

Says she one word, and the village stops.

"Whore." And the blade comes down severing her mind as she crumples below us.

And our connection to her. We move away, the job finished, the destruction complete.

We all agree it is not very lady-like, but what a perfect Sunday afternoon for an execution.

-D'X. 8/20/07

To Andrew Earring. With the Most "Smile Delicious" I've Ever Seen.

Smile Delicious.

Andrew.

Don't look at me.Please...just

turn your head away



but look

at me. I hate when you

bl ink. But I love the way you.....

See through me. Seemingly to say

something. Anything.

Say it.

I want you to. I need you to say

something.

But your EYES are yelling; I can't look.

They are blind ing with their lights of frosted

emeralds buried

in the glass sand.

Tell me what you want.

Me to- me. Me? Why...I couldn't.

What you're suggesting is so......

Obscene, and I'm not-

Well truth is, you haven't said anything at all.

Only the corners of your mouth solicit the invitation

Turning up as if to say:

Come in?

Damn.

Who knew a smile could be so delicious?

-D'X 8/21/07

I'm Gonna Show Every Last One of You Motherfuckers.

Okay so this has been a completely shitty week in the relationship department. Quite frankly I have just about had it with this bullshit that I keep hearing from these fools online. The way it usually works I'll hang out for a while in some cyber lounge and some will message me or something or I'll message them and we'll start up a cute conversation or something like that. And then we'll get to the interesting parts about what we wanna do later and how we wanna do it, and they'll be all gung ho about it and we'll get excited about the prospect of getting together to do something and then because I'm an honest person and that's just the way I am, I'll tell them that I have cerebal palsy and that is normally where the conversation comes to a complete and abrupt halt. And it happens nearly everytime I have a conversation with someone I like. It's happened so often that it's about to make me just give up on the Internet after all. The shit is just annoying! Not to mention it really hurts the ego. And then the nuke hit this morning when I finally got a chance to confront VJ about why he hasn't been making an effort for us to hang out.

Turns out he feels like his work is too important and that his life is too complicated right now for some kind of relationship. To me, that's bullshit. And as I told him, he makes me feel like I'm just sitting around waiting for someone to come and sweep me away and that I have nothing better to do with my life than to wait for some man. That's BULLSHIT! I'm currently working on three degrees here at this damn school (of which I have one already) and I'll be graduating next Spring so it isn't like I have all the time in world like some princess locked in a tower to have some prince just come and rescue me. Secondly he tried to use the trick of: "well my parents and I aren't really getting along with this gay thing," and mine are? FUCK that! God I swear guys can be so stupid! For him to have all those brains and to be so brilliant and intelligent, he has the dumbest responses!!!! But it made me really upset not at the fact that he doesn't want to see me right now, but at the concept that I actually waited for this fool. I gave up god knows how many chances in DC over the summer because I felt like it would've been wrong to do that and head back to NC to someone I thought was waiting like we had agreed to do back in June. So he makes me feel like a dumbass. And yeah I was hurt. I still am. Quite frankly, I just don't know what to do anymore. It seems like whenever I meet a guy who's nice and sweet and caring and beautiful the only they see about me is my disability, but you know what? I'm gonna fix that. Most definately. It just gives me another reason to sign up for that rehabiliation. And then once I got my shit together, we'll see who's laughing then. When I become a model and a chereographer and a dancer who's designer clothes, killing the runway and dating five and six people simultaneously, I'd like to see their faces then. Cause then I won't have to put up with this bullshit anymore!

God I fucking hate Cerebal Palsy sometimes.

Summer Epilogue Part Two

So this is the other half of my adventures dealing with the summer stuff.

So on Friday I start making preparations to go home and started packing and cleaning up. I decided to go Rush Hour 3 with Angel and it was hilarious. I really really enjoyed that. Then afterwards I packed everything up and had to wait forever for Julia to make her way over the apartment. But we packed up everything in her car, (after she left some stuff behind) and got on the road and stopped at the house to lay down after the 6 hour drive that involved waiting on the road for an hour because some accident had blocked up three lanes of traffic forever. So we left there yesterday afternoon, and I went over got my cash for my apartment and we decided to make our way to Pembroke.

I'm here now in the apartment and in truth, it's actually pretty amazing. It's like a miniature apartment complex the way a regular one would be. I have my own private bathroom connected to a small bedroom setting with a full bed and a desk setting with levels on it. Dressers are attached to the bed and we have a living room followed by a kitchen and bar setting too. Outside is the pool and the entertainment center. So it's full fledged community in a small square. Really nice. And my roommates are too. Surprisingly. There's Jerry who's the total Australian-looking hottie that's constantly walking around half-naked. Don, who's the loud-mouth city boy, but he's the shit. And then there's Brad who's the quieter country boy with the enigmatic personality that I'm drawn to. So yeah they're really nice and I actually think this year is going to be the best I've had yet. Figures the best would be LAST. So is my luck.

Annnnnndddd Page Turn.....Summer Epilogue Part 1

Alright so it's been about two weeks since I've last got at this thing, it's just that I've been mad swamped with the complications as to what's going on with Goddard and this whole school shit and how to pay for it and all of that. So I have to give a quick but thorough recap of the situation as thus follows now.


Two weeks before the end of the internship, Julia and I decided to have a complete club night in DC, which I had never done we got totally dolled up and headed out for this club named Apex, which is near DuPont Circle, and covered in body glitter and looking hot BOOTZ, we headed out there just to have a good time. We got there and the club is amazing. It was the nicest club I had ever been in with lights etched in the ceiling and five dance floors with giant disco balls, and seven bars, a video lounge, and karaoke. So we just chilled there and I met a few guys chatted with them had some drinks and took off my shirt and started dancing on the floor, well actually above it on a balcony. And as I was dancing, some random chinese guy whispered in his ear if he could dance. It was a DANCE so I said yeah. But we started dancing, and then the next thing, he had his hand down my jeans and it got real REAL scandalous. So rather than risk the entire judgement of the club, I told him to stop and I had to get away from that. And then I met Ted and we laughed and the club closed at 4 in the morning, Julia took a cab home.

Shortly before the end of Goddard, I decided to go to NYC and visit my cousin Dale and that was awesome. We decided to hop a Greyhound bus from DC and head up to Times Square and it was 35 round trip so that was really good. We managed to get there on time, but the funny thing was the moment we got off and got in the trip, the sky started dripping and two seconds later, after Dale met us on the street a freak typoon erupted on top of us with torrential rain pouring all over us and our stuff. So after panting and freaking out we manged to end up at Dale's brooklyn apartment which was actually pretty nice. He rooms with this guy named Cameron who's really funny a little odd but he's cool. So we stayed there and Dale's friends Marques and LaKendrick came over and we met them. Marques is the most beautiful man I've ever laid eyes on. He's soooo beautiful. And the most beautiful thing about him is not that he's goregous, though he is, it's that he's goregous and sweet and wonderful. He was absolutely amazing and he was totally prepositioning me the entire time I was in New York and I wanted to take him up on it SOOOOO bad...but I couldn't do that. Anyway, Dale took us around NY, and we went to all these places like this one place named Planet Thailand which looks totally destroyed on the outside but when you walk it's a Polynesian Palace. It was really cool. And we went shopping over at Canal Street or Chinatown to those who don't know. The shopping there is amazing! I bought 4 pairs of shades, a pair of shoes with wood grain on them, a wallet, two belts, a crystal, three hats, and 4 DVD's there. It was amazing. We ended the trip by going to his friend Lauren's house and chilling on her rooptop which has a spectacular viewpoint of all 5 burroughs of NY. Sooooo beautiful. Not as beautiful as Marques, but close. So yeah that was New York.

The Show Will Return Momentarily....But in the Mean Time, Some Thoughts.

Okay so I'm back home in Morrisville North Carolina back in the United States (and to the Republic for which is stands, one nation under God, indivisible with liberty and justice for all!) lol. I don't know why that came in my head, but it just did. I bet half of you won't even remember it. So then...I'm back and things are looking good. The flight yesterday was uuugghhh....long, tedious and boring....but at least the people were far nicer this time around. In Stuttgart she about let me get away with murder since I checked in 6 bags instead of the usual 2 (not that I had a choice mind you) and then when I was flying we got to Atlanta, (the place I dreaded thanks to Lorenzo, asshole!!!) it was cool cause the black folks were just really chill about their jobs and stuff. So I was able to get through (though I spent some three hours going through customs and check in) and then when I was on the runway heading back to Raleigh, we sat on the runway for an hour because a storm had come through and 20 planes wanted to take off before us. So yeah....but I'm back. My Xbox Live is in full swing and the world is returning to normal. I can't help but look at the Lubu Mafia and get tears in my eyes but that's normal for a while. Today...I'm gonna get up with the Q crew make sure they made it home safely, and look about flying to Orlando next week. We shall see. Later!

Ode to Goddard....

So anyway, this is just an update on what's been happening here in DC and at NASA and all and I can honestly say that this place has some cool-ass people working around the Center. Granted it also has some bonified geniune weirdos too, but it's a nice place to be around for awhile. Most people really seem to like what they do. And now I'm getting to the point now that the experience is about to come to an end, that I can look back on it and reflect and see what I've done. In truth, this trip has really been worth it. I've seen some absolutely amazing things at NASA and I've learned a whole lot about space, business, and Public Affairs life too. I met some really interesting people (cue Goddard bottle man) and things like that and this is just something I wanted to dedicate to them while I'm thinking on it.

Walter & Alice: Okay these two are a husband and wife duo here at NASA Goddard this summer and Walter is just tagging along to be with his wife, Alice who is in a word: incredible. She has done so much with her life and she's so humble about it, it's really nice to be in her presence. Walter was telling me that she's an absolute genius in the science realm so much so that she bypassed everyone in her class and when they offered her a degree right on the spot, she turned them down to prove that she didn't need a handout to all the people in the school that made fun of her. So she's amazing. I make fun of her alot and say that she does things like make time-machines in her bedroom in her spare time and that she has quantum time warps in her living room, but geninuly she's just a wonderful person to be around. The same thing can be said for her husband, Walter. He's a really nice guy. And he's practically the modern-day Martin Luther King Jr. He's sued the governor of Texas several times, won, had people impeached, rallied for justice, been to jail and the whole nine. He's a very powerful person to know, and I'm thankful I was given the opportunity to meet the man in person.

Julia: She's a firecracker of craziness which I love to death. To me she is a slightly more grown version of Susannah, (notice I did not say mature), and she is mature but she's just insane that's why I love her. She and I clicked nearly instantly probably because I get along with Zana so well, that it's just natural we'd fall in for each other. We hang out a lot and she's incredibly smart too. 29 years old with 2 BA's, a master and going for her PhD, she's a definate force to be reckoned with. But we hang out all the time and hit up bars, guys and anything else we can think of at the time! She's a definate keeper. Much like Zana.

Andrew: There's two versions, but this one refers to 2.0 or Andrew (earring) as I call him on my phone. He's a Native American guy I met here over the summer, (and he's soooo cute) and he's really nice. A bit on the enigmatic side, which is why I think I'm drawn to him. He can be quiet at times, and it takes him a bit of time to open up and for you to get to know him, but he's really cool and he makes me laugh. He has a very interesting condition that means that he can't get over heated from ANYTHING or he swells up with hives and stuff. Not cool. But's he's pretty cool. I wonder if he'd let me come to Montana to visit...hm....Brokeback Mountain 2, I wonder? LOL. Just kidding...kinda.

Tim: This is another Native American guy but he's the opposite of Andrew. Loud, brash and funny, this is the polar opposite of the majority of people staying here this summer. He's outspoken will tell anyone off, and we mesh well because we're the same way. But I hang out with him from time to time and we go check out movies and stuff. He's ridiculously intelligent too, and he goes to school at the famed MIT and was like 2nd in his class and all of that. It makes me feel a little pale in comparison, but I've done stuff I'm proud of too, so it works out.

Dewayne: Dewayne Washington is my boss, and he's my mentor at NASA. He's really funny and he reminds me nearly 98% of my dad. It's kinda scary how identical they really are. The only reason it's not 100% is because Dewayne is the most fishingness (and I know that's not a word) person I've ever met, and he will steal every second of everyday if he could going off to a pond to fish. I've never met anyone with a passion that strong. lol. But he's really nice, and I'm definately gonna be keeping in contact with him so I can use him no future resumes and in life, period.

Beginning of a Legacy (Part Two)

Okay so I'm a few days late, but whatever. So last week I ended up going down to Orlando because Jessica calls me at work saying that the baby that she's scheduled to have on August 26th is now coming Friday July 13th. So of course we're all like: "What the FUCK?" kinda thing, and so I go on Orbitz and blow 250 bucks to buy a ticket for the next day and by 6:00 am Friday morning I dip out (after sleeping almost through the wake up call) and make my way to Ronald Reagan Airport, where I catch an earlier flight to Orlando and I'm there by 11. I get there and Jessica just about to be put under and so we go to the lobby and we wait. And wait, and wait some more. Some two and a half hours later, Sue her mom comes and everything's fine and we go into visit.



She looked totally drugged up and pleasantly tired but we happy to find that everything went relatively smoothly. Ms. Je'Lynn Aniyah Heffner was born on July 13th, 2007 at approximately 1:44 pm at approximately 4lbs, 10 oz. And she's quite beautiful though in the photo, she's quite mad. lol. Unforetunately, she's 6 weeks early and couldn't breathe very well, however I found out this afternoon she's off the breathing tube, which is excellent news. So I'm really excited about it. And of course, it's the beginning of another legacy. I just hope she grows up to be beautiful, respectful, and decent. And I'll be there to make sure she does. Love you, Je'Lynn!

The Beginning of a Legacy (Part One)

So this is the update that I have to put in there because I just can't wait anymore to do this. So where to start...hmm....okay so first things. I met with a lady named Nancy Maynor today and we started talking and we were talking about the things that I wanted to do and where I wanted to go after I finished with the internship at NASA and all of that. And we got to chatting about basic stuff, but after we got to talking about me wanting to go into the fashion industry she was informing me that perhpas NASA wasn't the best route to go, which of course I already knew afterward she's like, "Well why haven't you considered going to a fashion school?" and I was like, "Um....I don't know." And really, I didn't know. Because I had never really thought about it. I just thought that people went to regular four year universities because that was the typical thing for a person to do. But after she said that, I was thinking that there's not really a reason for why I hadn't decided to go. And so she was talking and she was telling me that it would be highly beneficial for me to have a place like that on my resume because when I go to submit the resume if it has the fact that I have a degree in English Literature combined with the concept of say the fact that I graduated from FIDM or the Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising for those not in the know, then it would make a whole lot more sense, which is perfectly true. So....after we finished talking I went and did a little bit of research. Saw a couple of schools I was interested in and requested some information. So...I'm thinking now that after I graduate in the Spring from Pembroke maybe I'll start in the following Fall at FIDM in Los Angeles or something and secure myself a two year degree in fashion.

Why? You may ask? The idea is simple. The first reason is of course because I want the degree to be able to put on my resume so when I turn it in they know that I'm serious about what I'm doing and not just bullshitting around with their time. Secondly, I just want the information for myself. I mean seriously though. How would that look if I was a Dolce and Gabana party a few years from now and everyone discussing the newest sequinned V-cut cocktail sensation produced by Oscar DeLa Renta, and I'm sitting there looking like a dumbass? It doesn't look very professional to be writing for a fashion magazine and to not have any knowledge of the fashion you're writing about!!! lol. Obviously. So yeah. I just want to get the basic knowledge for myself so that way I can at least sound like I have some idea of what I'm referring to even if I'm a complete newbie!!! lol. So in a sense of the word Monday was like the new beginning of a legacy for me. It's like I'm finally opening my sails towards the wind in the direction that can finally lead me to my life of happiness.

When I told my mom, she was, as expected, less than thrilled. She sees this move as a step backwards, saying that there's no point in understanding why I'd be coming out of a four year university and heading over to a two year one. But of course, she doesn't see why I'm trying to achieve. But I'm trying to make her understand that I don't want to be shoved into a job that I'm gonna be doing for the next 40 to 50 years for no reason. I don't want to be like this lady Alana at my job and only be coming to work for the paycheck. My mom told me that 95% of people that have a job only come there because it pays the bills, and I understand that. And she said that people are extremely blessed if there at a job and actually like it. The way I see it, the only reason they have a job they don't like is because they weren't willing to put enough effort into finding the job that was right for them.

Oh Man....

Okay so I have to give a very quick update on what's been going on. Things are on schedule as usual here at NASA. I'm doing my job and getting paid for it, which is pretty good. I have about 2,000 saved up now and I'm steadily heading for the goal by the time the summer is done. As far as work, it's good and I think I'm doing a pretty good job for Dewayne and the crew, and they seem to like me well enough. The interesting thing is, I set up an appointment with Mark Hess the other day, (Dewayne's boss and the Chief of the PAO department) to ask him about the co-op program that they have at Goddard, but before I went, Dewayne stopped me and told me that apparently a lot of people are asking him about whether or not I'm anti-NASA because I tend to question what they're doing and for why. I told Dewayne that I'm not a follower of blind faith and that I like to understand where and why I'm doing something before I do it. For example he was talking about in response to the point that I said that "I didn't understand why NASA was wasting so much money on the James Web Space Telescope," which is true because they're spending a ridiculous like 45 billion on it, but they don't seem to have enough money to hire more people or pay their interns the proper amount, and they had to cut a lot of useful programs that they already had. So yeah....I went ahead to the meeting anyway. I went there and we chatted and he told me basically that I'd have to go under the co-op program in order to get a chance to work at Goddard since the turn-over rate for jobs there is like only every three to four years. But after that meeting I asked about whether or not I could transfer to other NASA centers after getting into the program because quite frankly I don't wanna be in DC. But he doesn't seem to know. So after all of that, I left feeling a little bit overwhelmed.

Fourth of July was uneventful except for the fact that I picked up Ninja Gaiden Sigma, Final Fantasy, and Rainbow Six: Vegas so that was cool. I celebrated independence by chopping fools into ribbons! LOL. So yeah. The main part of this blog I wanted to address is the concept was that I spoke with Christoph again this evening (which is always a great pleasure) and he informed me of a rather disturbing fact that I had completely forgot about. The GRE. From what I understand, it's quite frightening. Much worse than the SAT, which was bad for me. So....hmm.... I'm looking at those questions, and like DAMN. But anyway, I'm gonna have to seriously consider that. Like SERIOUSLY. One of those questions were crazy. The thing is, all the answers to the questions sound very, very similiar. There's only very subtle differences in the way the answers are formed. So that's gonna require some very intense studying. But....on the other hand...

I looked at my schedule for the Fall, and that shit is gonna be the bomb!!!! I have 1 class on Monday, none on Tuesday, 2 classes on Wednesday (Harlem Renaissance, Shakespeare), 3 on Thursday (Advanced Grammar, Writing Fiction, Writing Poetry II), and 1 on Friday, so it seems like almost a four day weekend. But yeah...I'm gonna have to look at this....

The Golden Rule of Reciprocity

Okay so according to some rule that was created like a long ass time ago, by some random guy he said that when you take something and break it off when you look at it, you have double of what you had when you started, and that principle is proving to be quite true actually. For example, you take a rock and split it, suddenly you've got two. This rule also applies to men apparently. Because for some odd reason that I never quite understood, I spoke to Andrew for like a total of five seconds and I haven't heard from him since. But no matter, because when I had one, I struck that one off and ended up meeting Ray and Yoshi. And Bryan too for that matter, though that's not neccessarily included. However I'm sure I can get something out of the deal. At least from Ray definately. I'd love to work with Yoshi too while I'm at it. He's a newbie so it'd be hot to turn him out definately! lol. So yeah I had to throw that in there so I could mention it.

While I'm at it, let's take a second to document the recent drama of the other day. I realized that I'm tired of the bullshit that Lucy and the other fools in Pine Hall are pulling. So this being my Senior year, I decided to treat myself and I bought an apartment. Or put in the least at least. So now I have an apartment at Pembroke Place in building 5 room 513 with three other guys only one who's name I know. On top of that, when I get to get the place, everything worked out fine till I go to the part where the manager was like, I'm gonna need you to fill out this parental form since you only make this money a month kinda thing. So I called mom and before I could explain the whole situation about how I needed the paper by August 12th so I could move in, she totally went balistic talking about how co-signing ruined her life and all of that stuff and how they would never do that again and all of that. I had to put with that rant for a hot minute, and i had had enough so I had to go. Then I told the apartment people I would pay for it up front, like I had intended to do, which is fine. And I told my mom that when she called back 30 minutes later, all like sorry didn't mean to explode. Yeah. And that the REASON I got the apartment. I just can't wait to move in.

Cosmotini, please. Hold the Terror.

So yeah, this weekend was like mad fun. It started officially as soon as I left my job on Friday afternoon, and I was heading home. I'm starting to make really good friends with the people on the buses from Leonardtown, which will maybe produce some good partying nights later on...but anyway, I got on the bus home and soon thereafter headed on the the other MetroBus to downtown College Park metro where I hopped the train and found myself in Silver Spring Maryland to go watch the Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer, which actually turned out to be pretty good. Not fantastic like Spiderman 2, but it was much, much better than part one. I didn't expect Julian McMaman to reprise his role as Doom let alone mix in with the Silver Surfer and get his powers. That was a nice twist, and of course having the Surfer's voice as Morpheus is always the shit. lol.


Anyway after that, I came back to my house and slept getting up the next day to Deedee, (my roomate Damon's caretaker) as I asked her out to lunch. I was gonna go to DuPont Circle to get my hair done and colored, but after looking at those prices, I decided against it. Instead DD and i went to Applebee's, where I bought her lunch and we chatted. Afterwards, I bought some bronze hair color and came back to the apartment where DD commenced to put it in. Then, after all of that, Nikki (the secretary in the EEO office) called me and asked me to come meet her in Silver Springs, with her friends. I wanted to stay at home and sleep, but I got up and went anyway getting there and meeting her friend Melanie and her boyfriend Danni. Then I met Nikki's friend Dick, and the five of us went out to eat at this Lebanese cafe, which I wasn't too fond of. Then we left and went to a bar called McGinty's, which was loud and ridiculous. However it was there that I had my first alcohol love, "Sex on the Beach" and I got to taste a new thing that I've always seen on Sex and the City, the Cosmotini. Turns out it's pretty good, as a mixture of vodka, cranberries, and lime. So yeah getting a really good and tipsy buzz from that, I came back and fell out for Sunday.


Where DD called and asked if I wanted to go to church with her. So I got dressed and left out, to head to this nice Baptist church, of which we arrived in the last 20 minutes of the message due to her daughter Joyce's love of smoothies, to which afterward she paid for dinner at Golden Corral (.....hmmmm can't say anything here but let's just claim there's more to wonder about the source) and then we went to Chuck E. Cheese's because Joyce's uncle's daughter was having a 5th birthday party. That place is crazy as hell. And a little scary. However i had to face all living hell when that rat faced bastard in a suit emerged from the back bringing back all memories with it. I hated that thing when I was a kid, and it was back in the flesh yesterday. To quote a memorable moment in a book I totally despise by Joseph Conrad in "Heart of Darkness" (thanks Ms. Helgeson!) ".......oh, the horror." And yeah that was bad.


But after that fiasco in a bad and five hours later, I came back with the intention of strictly heading to bed but instead finding myself chatting with a few delightful characters, one of which I have a date with on Wednesday (kinda, check the friends page!) who's a total hottie! lol. That WILL be a blog. Though maybe not an open one. Perhaps I'll have to call the "special" crew for individual updates....keep your eyes and ears open....


On a seperate note, I just want to add that I went to see the Holocaust Curator's lecture this afternoon about the persecution of Homosexuals in Germany during WWii, and I was really really disappointed to find that in a room full of people, I was the only black guy there. It's just a little depressing. Maybe I'm just doing too much.....?

The Rocket-Fueled Update on Things....

Okay so I don't have too much time to do this, but I figured that if I didn't get to it, there'd be too much going on for me to go back and catch it all. So this is a really quick update on what's been happening since I got to NASA almost a week and a half ago. So yeah I left NC and came up here to the DC area, where I'm staying College Park, because NASA decided that they wouldn't pay for the extra accomodations in Laurel Square, but I am happy to report that the apartment is actually quite nice considering what I had in my mind in the beginning. There's two bedrooms with two beds in them a piece, a nice bathroom and a nice kitchen and stove and microwave etc. So that's the good part. The area is nice with lots of bustling going around, and there's a shopping convienience area right now the road from the apartment complex, so that's good. The area is actually quite easy to navigate once you get the hang of the bus system that is around in the area to take you where you wanna go. Add to that the UM system thats roaming around, and it's really easy to go places.

So I've also started my job here at NASA Goddard, and I'm working in the PAO office or the Public Affairs office in the Education division. And currently after only a week of being here, I am doing five to six projects simultaneously with a job offer in the works. (Not bad for a week, huh?) lol. I met my mentor Mr. Dwayne Washington and he's a really nice guy that reminds me a lot of dad. So he kinda looks out for me and doesn't try to overbury me with work, though there's a lot of stuff that needs to be done, like for example, I have to press releases for the 220+ interns that are here, and then when that's done we have to send them to the respective states and campuses. Then the 2006 Nobel Prize winner for Physics Mr. John Mather asked our department to put together a pamphlet for his presentation series that's coming up real soon, which is cool. And then I have to write a few articles for the Goddard View, one of which has already been completed on Mrs. Lynn Harden, who's retiring from Goddard soon. The other one I'm doing will be this afternoon on a 15 year old named Evan I think, who's come from the United Kingdom to visit Goddard and make a presentation for his class back in England.

On top of that, I also have to develop a pamphlet for the Education department here at Goddard that deplays all of their information in a nice and neat handy package so that visitors will know what they do when they look at it. And starting next week, I'll also be responsible for the Goddard Dateline, which is in online and printed service that shows the upcoming events for the Center for the day at large, which has to be done everyday and turned in by 3:30. So yeah all in all, I have a good-sized plate of work, though there's more that keeps coming every moment, and yet I still have time to play with the PSP (I got rid of that Nintendo bullshit) and get a few hours with the PS3, every once in a while.

Over the weekend, I decided to try something new and I went to downtown DC to look around a little bit and ended up having to wheel all the way from the Smithsonian museum to the Lincoln Memorial which is a good mile and a half between each other, and then came back to go all the way to DuPont avenue for the 2007 Gay Pride Parade which was happening downtown. And that was absolutely great! I've never seen anything quite like it, and I can kind of understand why NC would never allow such things in their state. But I'm happy that DC is cool with it, and DuPont avenue is quite an interesting place. As a matter of fact that's where I met Chuck (this cute older gentlemen who invited me to his place after the fact, which I turned down to get home) and most recently Scott, who's a professional photographer with his own photo company. Scott was there at the parade and it turns out I was sitting on his front steps, and we talked and it eventually led to him asking me to model for him, which I'm still in the works considering. (We've been talking about it for a few days now). And then something else may come out of that, but I'm not too sure. However in the back of my mind, all I really wanna see now is VJ. But he's in Chapel Hill so I'll have to wait a few more weeks before I get a chance to glance at him again. *sigh* oh well. More coming later. And peep the pics!

A Date With Devdas

so yeah I can't believe what happened today. it was kinda cool, but at the same time, it was totally not me. I mean I started out going shopping and finishing up the DC trip stuff over at Wal-Mart and I switched out the DS for a PSP and few games and accessories. Then when that was done, I stopped picked up my dry cleaning at the store, and headed back to the house after a brief stint at the Dollar Store. So then I got home and then VJ showed up like five minutes later like clockwork and I was waiting for him on the porch. So to bring you up to speed with what's going on with that situation. I met this guy VJ on .com a few days ago and we really hit it off well.He lives in Chapel Hill and he's a biomedical engineer going for a Ph.D right now in UNCCH grad program. He's 24 and from Atlanta, originally from India. We have a lot of the same tastes in a lot of things. He likes the music I do, and he's been a lot of the same places I have. And in the demeanor, we're very similiar. He's extremely smart and actually he's totally cool with my foot fetish, which is a big thing for me. And so today I decided to actually meet him and go to dinner with him and he came by to get me so we could go to Chili's. My impression of him? He's very cute. A little on the thin side for me, but I always had a side of sideways attraction to guys from India and the Middle East anyway. So yeah it's cool. But he was very attractive and he's really funny. He can keep with my sarcasm most of the time, which is interesting being that he's from Atlanta. But yeah we ate dinner and stuff ourselves and then after he PAID, (which shocked me) we came back and decided to go the Park over here in Weston Estates. That's the good thing about the park at night. It's so secluded and wrapped in darkness that one could almost do anything....and we kinda did. We started talking like normal people and then we stared at stars. Then it turned scandalous and he started giving me head and whatnot. I don't think he has too much experience in that realm, but then again I doubt that people really give head like Frank did (God that shit was good!). But still. It seems to be a promising way to go when I head back to the Carolinas. Very interesting. And that's all I'm saying about that! So I have to go now and get a version of like an hour of sleep before we hit the road for DC. Later!

The Countdown Drama Begins.

1 Day, 12 hours, 32 minutes left till NASA breach.

So yet again I'm on another countdown for what's happening in my life although this time around its for NASA and all of it's affiliates. So the last few days of this week I've been trying to get myself in order, devoting two whole days to doing nothing but laundry and packing, and then today I went out and got an eye exam spending an extra 35 bucks for some photos in the exam for absolutely nothing. She told me it was extreme dry eye, nothing more. So that was kind of a relief, but at the same time, I felt kinda let down. All the allergy drama for nothing. Afterwards, we went to Perkins and I ate with mom followed by me getting a manicure at this Nail place in deep Cary with this guy who's supposed to be Asian, but he's maaad ghetto. Words cannot describe. Let me put it this way: Mom was coming out of the shop to see if they would let me in to get my nails done, and the owner's response was: "Well get him in here, then!" add a very ghetto-ized tone to that, and you have an idea of what I'm saying. And personally I think he was gay, boots! but that's another story. So in the middle of the manicure I decide to get my eyebrows waxed, and so I did. It hurt like a bitch, but it looks something fabulous. Previously the day before, I got my hair cut and now I have my sideburns and chip strap combined, so it looks really good. All I need now is a stud and I'm good to go. But after the waxing, we left and went to the movies to see "Pathfinder," and it was blah like I knew it was going to be. Personally I wanted to see Norbit, but I figured if the movie's coming out next week anyway, I'll just wait to see it. So yeah anyway I'm back at home and plotting and planning my wardrobe for the trip when I get this email from Denna of NASA which basically says the following: (in my words)

When we started we knew that this internship was going to be trouble because previously, since the apartments here were 2,000 a month in rent, it's been impossible to find any interns. So taking the cheaper route, and allowing students to have a kitchen, we tried to work it out. That bombed completely, so now because of our failure in communication and adequate money put up, we were forced to look back at the Uni. of Maryland, and you guys will be going there, completely seperated away from everyone at Laurel Square. You don't get a laundry room in your apartment, and you don't get a seperate bathroom either for that matter. So I hope you like your roommates, cause they're all you're going to be seeing. Can't wait to see you! Denna.

yeah something like that. I mean I hate to sound ungrateful, but this is already starting out on the wrong foot. I mean its NASA and they couldn't even persuade an apartment complex to put in a shower stall? That's fucked up on multiple levels. So in the back of my mind, I'm cringing to think about what's in store for me when I get there. In my experience, when you have to settle for something less than what you wanted, it's always worse than what it should've been. And the fact that I have to stay there for 2 months and PAY for it, is sounding mighty shady to me. I guess I'll just have to hold my breath and see.

The Coin of Friendship: Tails

so yeah. this really really hurts me to write. but I have to do it, or I'll never get over the situation. So after four years of waiting, of praying, of laying up late at night and wondering into the lengthening blackness, and hoping that he's okay, I finally met AJ today. It should've been a completely joyous reunion with lots of laughing and happiness, but instead what I got was this watered down version of the AJ I knew from before. I guess the old addage is totally true. Time changes all. I mean he looks the same I remember with the whole goofy smile and all of that, but now he's getting fat, with a beer belly, and he's seemed to fizzle out of the youthful energy that he once possessed. It was like looking at the shadow of the AJ that was once before me. And he had brought his girlfriend with him, which was totally innappropriate I thought at first because A) I mean we haven't seen each other in YEARS! And the one time that we do get a chance to get together, he brings his girlfriend?! I mean that's kinda fucked. But even I could over look that. In an attempt to see him again, that's something easy to get over. So yeah he came and this girl Beth is like a totally tween queen, and it was totally not the guy I used to know or the kinda girl he would date. I mean the thing is, she's like a totally prissy kinda princess. She's a sweet, nice innocent-looking glass girl, and he's so rough and jagged that I wouldn't have ever thought that. But I'm looking at him and realizing that he's lost the luster that he used to have. I mean he's like a flickering candle. And it was really sad to see. But the worst part of it all, is what he said at the end of the night, when he was driving me home.

When I told him that I couldn't believe I was in his truck after all this time, he was like, "why's that?" And I was like, well isn't it obvious? I mean we haven't seen each other in forever and you're asking me? And then to mmake matters worse, he was like, "Well I mean you guys just aren't that important to me anymore. I mean you weren't with me in Iraq, and the guys I was with, they're like my brothers!" I mean, GODDAMIT! I'm like sitting here crying now thinking about it. That's heartbreaking. You all just don't understand. I've known this guy for over 11 years. That's over half of my lifetime. We've gone to middle school, and all through high school and everything. I helped him through all of it. When he left I searched records and called Fort Bragg, and called his mom of any kind of information to know that he was still alive. I used to look up to him so much. And he totally totally let me down. And to tell me that I'm just a friend, just something to take his mind off of whatever he's doing. That hurts a lot. It was like years, and years, and years wasted. And dammit I hate him for that. How dare he make me feel worthless. You know what? I can't even write this anymore. I'm just too angry. I'm about to just start sobbing. So I'm gonna stop. Man, fuck AJ. Fuck him and his military "brothers" in Iraq. No body told him to go. That was his decision. I'm so over it. Fuck this.

The Coin of Friendship: Heads

So then. this is post one, and it represents what happened when I went out on Saturday with Kyle, Qasim, and Ryan to hang out and just chill and talk about shit, since I haven't seen them in about a year or more, since Pembroke and everything else gets in the way first. So it was fabulous. And this is the heads side of the coin. It was great. I went out with Kyle and we went to Wendy's had a bite to eat, and was constantly chatting and I got to know the whole scoop on his life and what's been happening in the two years that I've totally not been around, and I was able to listen to his thing and provide some good back support. Then later on, we went to Wal-Mart still talking and I shopped for some more stuff for DC. Then afterwards I went to Gamestop and bought a Nintendo DS and some new games for it. Then we met up with Ryan and Qasim and had dinner out at Kabuki, this kick-ass Japanese resturant, and laughed and talked the whole time. Afterwards, we left and went out the movies, where they wanted to see Shrek 3, but I had to get home in preparation for church today. So all in all it was fabulous. I had to talk to them about serious things though because I told them that I know that of the five of us, none of them but me, is actually doing ANYTHING in their lives that they actually want to do, and none of them is where they should be. I told them that I would help them any way I could but I refuse to go backwards in an attempt to pull them out of their rut. So yeah. It was bittersweet, but it was nice overall. And I had a blast. However, that's only part of the equation.

How Far Would You Deteriorate To Love Someone? ("Bug" spoiler alert!)

To me, that would be the subplot of the movie Bug, that I just went to see tonight. Personally I know my mind works differently than other peoples, and so when they saw it, they totally hated it and Mom claims it was the worst movie ever. Me? I totally disagree. I think that William Friedkin is a brilliant director. Coming from the man that directed the Exorcist, I think he knows precisely how to manipulate the human psyche, and he's a master at exploring the darkest parts of mentality as a whole. People hated Bug because they totally couldn't understand the concept of the movie. However a brilliant script combined with marvelous acting ability on the parts of Ashley Judd and her lover, produced a fabulous movie if you ask me. Even MSN knows I'm right and they gave Bug 4 stars, as opposed to Pirates of the Caribbean, which only recieved 2. Bug is not even about bugs. Not even close. But once again, it's one of those things were if you were looking at the commercial, you wouldn't understand the concept of the movie. And this particular film is so psychological, that you wouldn't get even a fraction of what the movie's really about. Ashley Judd's character is one, that is so lonely and so hopelessly lost in her pathetic life, that she's willing to open up her heart and her mind to anyone that would be willing to give her a chance, and this guy Peter, is just the one to do it. Though he's creepy and a total introvert, they warm up to each other and decide to sleep together. After that nigth though, everything gets worse, as Agnes (Judd) discovers what really is wrong with Peter. The incredible twist on the flick of the movie is that in normal circumstances, there have been plenty of flicks where people fall in love with mentally disturbed people. However they always turn them into the law, or the hospital, or in some cases, let them go. However in Bug, Judd is so desperate to keep this man that she's just known, that she actually falls into his delusion head first, transforming her apartment, her life, turning away all her friends, in order to stay with this man, to the point where she quite literally loses her mind. She is completely absorbed into Peter's delusion reality of this parasitic bugs, that she is the bug queen host, and he the drone host, and together they going to bring about the destruction of everyone else. She even goes as far to blame the disappearance of her son, Lloyd on the bugs and the military she believes to be responsible, (even though this is only what Peter informed her of, in his delusional state) and it result in the two of them committing suicide together in what they believe to be an act of cleansing, to free themselves from the bugs' continual torture. It was a fabulous movie, a total psychological masterpiece, and for anyone with a fully functioning brain that's completely open to new kinds of things, it's a must see. Granted, I was lost for a little while. I'm not going to lie. I didn't know where the movie was going, but once I realized that there were no bugs and no one was believing what they said, I understood what was happening. Judd's superb acting shows just how far a person can fall mentally when dealing with someone they truly care about. For her to destroy her own sanity to stay with this man, that is true love. And the movie gets 4 and half stars in my eyes. Well done, Mr. Friedkin. Well done.

Who You Calling a Cootie-Catcher, You Lint-Licker?!

lol. I so love that Orbit gum commercial. It's so totally profane but at the same time, it's not. lol. But that's not the reason why I named this blog like that. First off, I heard a new and disturbing rumor from Amber of all people (the big fat Amber of which I have limited to no contact with). Apparently she and my ex-roommate Matt had a falling out over something dealing with World of Warcraft (go figure), and he told her off over some stupid shit she was saying. So now to get back at him, she's systematically going through and destroying his relationships with his previous friends, claiming something that he said to disband each and every one of them. How am I involved? Well Matt called me and said that she claims that the only reason that Matt is even my friend at all is because he feels bad for me, and he's trying to gain pity points with other people by hanging out with a guy that's handicapped. Wow. That's low, isn't it? I mean I know. That's low, even for her, and that's hard to pull. Especially when I've spoken less than a paragraph to her over the course of the entire semester and now she thinks she knows everything about my relationships with my friends. Well I told Matt that's complete and utter bullshit, and that she doesn't know a damn thing she's talking about, which he already knows. But honestly, people say the ugliest things sometimes, trying to hurt somebody. And SHE has NO room to talk. AT ALL. If ya'll knew who I was talking about, you'd understand what I mean by that. Bigfoot has no competition. Put it that way.

So that's part one. Part two, as I'm getting ready for this move to DC, I've discovered some more interesting things about what's involved. And apparently I had no idea that it could be so costly! I mean I still have tons of things that I have to purchase for this damn trip! I've already bought the following:

2 new suit jackets, 3 pairs of pants, 5 polo shirts, two new belts, two new wheelchair tires, and two intertubes. I've paid for a copy of the transcript to get sent off to NASA and stuff. I paid my Altell bill, so that my phone will be on when I go to Maryland, and yet there's still a whole lot more to go, with only 9 days left to do it. I've still gotta get things like:

cologne, dry-cleaning, luggage, toiletries, a wheelchair cushion, a key (for the spokes), manicure, haircut, earrings, underclothes, entertainment, etc... so much involved. By the time I'm done shopping this whole preparation thing is gonna end up costing me about a thousand dollars. Yeah I know. It's a good thing I saved up. Otherwise, this would be a whole lot harder.

Speaking of saving up, I've decided what I'm going to do when I leave school next Spring. And the funny thing, the more I thought about it, the more realistic it becomes. It's not even that hard to imagine! After I finish school, I'll have about 10,000 dollars or more saved up in the bank, so I'm still trying to decide now if I want to go ahead and move into an apartment in the Pembroke area, next semester for a year lease, which would be paid off by financial aid, so that's not a problem. The pros and cons of the situation would say that while I have my own place in which to relax and enjoy at my leisure over Christmas and the holidays, I'd still have to pay to put food in it, and pay rent, and that in itself can be more trouble than it's worth. Either way, I'll finish out school in the Spring, and during next semester and the Spring, I'll be actively looking for apartments to move into, (and I'll be oogling DC while I'm there too) pay a down payment of a few thousand (6 months upfront is what I'm hoping), and then after graduation, UPS my stuff in a box, to my new apartment, take a flight out of NC, and be gone for good. Just that simple, with no coming back. It's kind of frightening, actually. It's actually coming closer. I just have to get through this next semester and the last one, and I'll be done forever. With school. Forever. Whoa. My head hurts thinking about it. I need to take an aspirin. Later.

Why Is Hydrocodon Such a Fabulous Thing?

4 missing teeth, that's why. I just had my wisdom pulled yesterday morning and it has been approximately 26 hours since they were literally ripped/drilled from my gums. This doctor told me to go and in the back and I'm waiting on him to explain to me the procedure again today like he did last week, and instead I find myself laying back on the table with a Nitrous Oxide (laughing gas for ya'll non science people) over my face. The interesting thing is, I don't know why it's called laughing gas. I was sooo not laughing. The only thing it did was force me to relax, which was the point I guess. So I'm sitting there breathing this stuff in waiting to fall asleep or something, which did not happen. Instead, the doctor comes in and pretty much without a word, stabs my arm with this needle, AFTERWARDS explaining that it was an IV, and so I'm laying there with this tube now in my arm with four heart monitors and pulse monitor on my finger, and then randomly I was staring at darkness. I wasn't asleep, but I could hear everything they said, but I couldn't respond or open my eyes. And I felt everything he did. He cut my gum open and inserted some weird ass forceps into my bone and started yanking my tooth out, and when he couldn't do that, he started drilling the crack the bone in two (I hated that part because I could feel my tooth breaking off in chunks. Not a very good feeling believe it.) THEN he pulled those out with the forceps. All I know is for the good part of yesterday I was out of it, and I was starving but couldn't eat. I still can't eat totally today, but I forced myself to down some soggy cereal. God this sucks! Wanting to chow but not being able to....grrrrr!!!!

Anyway on another story, I'm getting ready to leave for DC the weekend after next, and mom and them decided they were going to drive me up there to visit as well. I've started to set up some really good potential dates, so it sounds like it's gonna be fun!! Can't wait.

.....uugghhhh...I Hate This!!!!

Once again, this waiting shit is killing me! I can't stand it. I wish that whenever you've got something to do that time would just speed up so that way you could get whatever you need to done, and move on with it! I mean, dammit! But in other terms, I went shopping the other day and bought some truly kick ass clothing for the internship coming up soon. I bought two suit jackets, a grey and white pinstripe one, and a cream silk one. I bought three pairs of pants, one pair of Tommy Hilfiger jeans, and two slacks, one brown one blue. Then I bought a bunch of polos and shirts. Some Christian Dior, some Structure, a Geoffrey Beene or two. It's all very nice. On top of that, I went and purchased two new wheels and innertubes yesterday, I bought a new computer memory upgrade for my laptop, and found out how to wipe it clean. And I'm looking into purchasing a wheelchair cushion, and with that, everything will totally done. I'll be glad when its time to move on.

And as a side note, I'm tired of this front that mom and dad keep putting on. We've discussed this and they act like they're not listening to me. I'm gay, and they know this, but if they act like they don't care, I don't either. So whatever. But I do look forward to the day that I stop all the bullshit.

....Aaaaaaannnnndddd Time to Turn the Page....(flip)

So then. The semester's finally done. This hellish gauntlet-based chapter of life is finally over. And now I'm looking at the results with a smirk on my face kinda. I've been looking at BraveWeb every few minutes to see if my grades have been posted, and as of now, we have all but one: Modern Poetry (who had the hardest damn exam ever!) So I've gotten out of this semester with 2 A's, and 3 B's, which isn't totally bad, though it's SO not what I was thinking it was going to be. But I guess you get what you pay for. With the amount of class I missed, I guess I'm lucky that way. Either way, it's not bad, so I don't have too much to complain about. So yeah. Now comes the part I dread. The waiting. I hate this part. I had to do this to go to Germany, for three months, I had to do this to go back to school, and it's not that I don't enjoy being at home, it's just that I don't enjoy being at home. I mean it's relaxing and all, and it gives me a chance to think about something other than school persay, but god. Being in this house with my parents again makes me wonder how I ever did it for so long. And it's a huge motivation factor to get the hell out! But...that will come in time. I only have to put up with the waiting one more time. Christmas. After that, everything is gravy. I'm graduating in the Spring, packing a light suitcase and flying off to some city to do some job. I'll have them UPS my stuff to me once I find out where the apartment is located and stuff. It's quite simple really. Makes me wonder why I didn't do it in the first place. But we shall see, I guess.

And today I entered into the realm of the published, so to speak. My official author break came via "The Truth Magazine-Online" as the editor approached me last month with a possibility of using my story on their site. I accepted and as promised, it's there! So I have my first official review which reads:

For Fiction we highlight D' Arcee Neal and
his story The Curse of a Married Man. It's a
dark piece, written in a very personal tone,
taking the reader through a few unpredictable
passageways. Overall result, a really
entertaining read.

Ha. I'm finally done it. I'm glad he liked it. I hope the other people who read the story likes it too. And all of you read this profile and go read it....NOW!!! LOL. Just click on the link in blue. So anyway I'm gonna go and look how much a plane ticket to DC is gonna break my wallet, and sleep to go to church tomorrow. Later!

P.S. As an after update, I checked Braveweb again, and I got an A- in Poetry class. Hell yeah! I bet that paper was fucking awesome!

What the Fuck?

I'm sorry I just couldn't think of any other title to give this post other than that. I mean I know there is life and it moves on and that's just a simple fact of reality that everyone on the planet has to eventually learn how to deal with but the fact of the matter is, I can't fucking get with the program here! WHY did my mother just tell me like 20 minutes ago that my dad is GOING to HAVE to move to CHINA to keep his job? Apparently his boss announced this yesterday at their meeting and that means that their firing everyone that works for him and the company (Lenovo) is going to have to relocate their entire base of operations back over to Shanghai which is where the headquarters are. Foretunately my dad is the shit and they want to keep him along with the company and all but that means that everyone and everything is gonna have to be moved to China too. My mom is like totally freaking out. She doesn't want to move to China and I can't really blame her. I mean she's 46 years old, she's never been to a place where they don't speak English and the fact that she's going to have to adjust to another place across the world is kinda crazy. I mean I was 19 when I went to Europe for a few months and that was mind blowing enough.

So according to her, my dad has one of two options: A) he can go over there for a year at a time, taking her with him, or B) he can go for extended months and come back every once in a while to the States. For her neither one of those is a good thing since she doesn't want to move, but she doesn't like to be without him for extended periods of time. It's like having a partner in the military except it's not the military and far less dangerous. Then there's option three that I came up with: She could split her time in the States and China over the period of like 3 months at a time, spending 3 months here, 3 months there, 3 months back here, and 3 months there. But I don't know what she's gonna do. More importantly, what am I gonna do?

I mean if he leaves for extended periods of time, there's a very good chance that I may never see him again except like once a year, but then that beats him staying there for a year. According to my mom it's not that serious, since I could just get on the plane and fly over to stay with them. But who knows? I'm totally flabbergasted (yeah I said it) and I have no idea what's going on with them. I mean she has houses here that we just bought, a business she just started, family here, and all the rest of the stuff. But who knows? I have no clue right now.

Hopefully our show will go over tonight without a hitch and make me feel better.

When Is Too Much Enough?

So yeah it's day three of the Patrick Stone drama, and believe it or not, not only is he responding to each and every one of my emails, he's demanding that I send MORE! In his words,

" hope your week has been going well and I really hope that you will write back quicker this time.. I've been looking forward to your messages. I miss you big man..hope to talk to you real soon! Take care of yourself broham..cant wait to hear from you!"

Um...whoa. In the entire time of knowing Mr. Stone, he has NEVER. And I repeat, NEVER sent me this many messages on a repeated kind of base. I mean I talked about with my Writing Poetry class today, and Sara (with an H) told me that if I could somehow reconnect and rekindle the relationship that we used to have with each other, that'd be like totally awesome, and she's right. I would love to finally get a chance to connect with him, (not only for the fact that he's STILL gorgeous-give me a break!-) but also because he was a really funny and nice guy. Right now, we're trying (MASSIVELY I might add) to coordinate this effort where we're gonna get together and chill and hang out and catch up on the three years (well technically 3.5 if I count the last semester I didn't want to breathe his name) that we've been out of our lives. And I mean after reading the message, it seems like he geniunely wants to hook up and chill. I mean granted, the last time we spoke was via IM and on there, I was on way heading to Germany the next day and I realized that I might die on the plane ride or over in another country, and I didn't want to go anywhere without telling him about what he did and how he makes me feel and everything.

In truth, I went off on him. Maybe I went a little overboard. Because I let him have it. I really did. I told him any and everything that was on my mind since the day I met him and how much of a fucking asshole he was being my Senior year and how I wanted him to die, no how I wanted to kill him myself, and I let him get the full blast of the treatment. I mean like afterward, I remember that it took him a little while to process what I said, but he just kept apologizing profusely about how sorry he was that he made me feel like that, and how he didn't mean to treat me that way, and how he had so much on his mind that year that he neglected everything and everyone and all of that.

And as I read his messages from Facebook now, though I get the sense that he wants to connect, I also can't help but feel this sense that he's still trying to apologize for what he did. And I don't want him to feel that way. I don't want for the only reason for us to hang out together is because he feels bad, and he thinks that by hanging out with me, he can atone for what he did. I mean what's done is done. He treated me like shit in high school, yes. I tried to get over it, but I don't ever think I will. It may seem minor in many people's eyes but in mine, it was very, VERY major. And now, I sense like this is a ploy (I've been using that word a lot lately) for attention. And if that's what it is, I don't want him to waste his time. I'm worth more and so is he. But...if he is trying to fix what he fucked up, then perhaps it's better than anything either one of us could've hoped for.

I just hope he doesn't become stalkerish and try to call me at all hours of the night and all of that. The only person who's allowed to do that is Jessica and even with her, there are limits as to what can be be/said, and what can't. But secretly and simultaneously, I kinda hope he DOES get stalkerish, so he can need me like I wanted him back in the day, and then maybe then I'll play one of his cards and act like I don't give a fuck. Hmm....very Cruel Intentions meets Basic Instinct. It's a possibility. Not one I'll likely entertain strictly for his cuteness factor, but possible.

Oh yes and before I forget, so last night I asked someone out. Can you believe it? Yes me, I asked out none other than Matt Blue. Yes I know. As far as personal standards go, I had a particular blueprint in my mind, and he totally doesn't fit that, but there's just something about him that I'm intrigued by. I love being around him and he's funny as hell. So we'll have to see where that goes. I see him again tonight at musical rehearsal (ooohhhh god, when will this show be done?) but we're not scheduled for anything till next week. Dammit, when can this week be done? That's one step closer to Matt, Trick and NASA. Come on Father Time! Work your damn magic already!

P.S. What the fuck is "broham"? Can anyone tell me? I'm out of the "caucausian lingo" loop.

When Destiny Breaks Your Leeves

So yeah I just got back from rehearsal for the 1940's Radio Hour, and it's shaping up to be a pretty amazing show. I'm really happy that everything is coming together so well because a week ago I was seriously considering just backing out of the production before I turned around and embarressed myself in this mess of a show. However, it seems that time has proved the victor and the immience of the show has forced everyone to clean their act up and do better, so the show is looking pretty great. However that's not why I wrote this blog. No, I got a different kind of shock when I checked my email.

Okay, so I've been out of high school now for over three years now, and I don't tend to think about the people there that are inside of it, unless they play some kind of special recognition on my mind, and of those there are relatively few of them. Tell me why after all of this time I hear from of all people: Patrick Stone.

Patrick or "Trick" as he likes to be called, is one of those guys that I think has taught a really big emotional lesson about who you can get close to, and just who you can't. When I was in high school, I got to know him because he was in my Spanish class, I sat next to him and yes quite frankly he was absolutely gorgeous. So we started talking in class, and I found out how cool I thought that he was, and from there, it just got deeper when I sent him this message on the last day of class about how I really wanted to remain friends with him, and I wanted to get to know him better and all of that (this is particular painful for me to discuss). So yeah we started chatting after that, and I used to call him all the time, I can remember one of the happiest days I had was when I was talking to him all night over the phone, and how close we seemed. But after that, it was like everything ground to a halt, and he stopped calling, stopped talking to me, and just avoided me completely all together.

So when I realized this, I went on a complete emotional rampage, and he inspired me to go back to writing poetry for the first time in years. It was during this time, that I realized just how much he had hurt me with those simple actions. I remember even buying him a music book so he could publish the music that he liked to write for his girlfriend at the time, Natalie. But he completely blew me off like he had no clue who I was. After that, I devoted much of my heart to completely hating him and everything he stood for, and I felt that way for a long time. It wasn't until I was about to graduate high school that I realized (after I started watching Queer As Folk) that I couldn't go around with all the hatred in my heart for people that couldn't understand how I felt about him.

How do I feel about him? Well it's not a matter now, but back then I wanted someone that I could talk to about absolutely anything without hesitation, and I don't have that yet. I think it's a rare thing to have in this life. I have friends that I can break that total package in pieces to, but I don't think any of them could handle the full fury of me completely. I think the closest thing I have to that would be my friend Susanna, that I met in Germany last year. And I love her and thank God that I ran into her and made friends with her. But in truth, I want a man that I can do that with. Not that I don't enjoy being in company of girls, but I don't relate completely with them on that level, because I'm not a girl. So I wanted someone that I could that that could at least relate to me on a partial level. I thought that I could make that happen with someone like Patrick, but I realized after the whole fiasco with them that it's not something you can make happen. It either happens or it doesn't, and it's just simple.

But anyway, I do remember before I went to Germany, I made sure that he knew everything that was in my heart before I went across the ocean, not because I wanted him to feel the guilt trip, but rather I just wanted him to understand how serious he has been in my life. I don't think he still understands, and I doubt he ever will. But I thought I had forgotten about all of this stuff, and when I saw his message to me, the emotional levees that I had built against him and the whole high school memory thing just cracked and broke down. All at the sight of his name, I still get this nervousness that makes me wanna puke, and I don't know why. It's like no matter how much I tell myself to forget, I just can't. And believe me, I've tried.

It just makes me sadder when I think of all the things that happened in Germany and meeting Frank and all of that, and how wonderful he was, and I remember the one night that we watched a movie and how happy I was when he decided to stay over at my apartment, we laid there and held each other and then made love and feel asleep that night. It was...perfect. No other way to describe it. I miss that terribly and I miss Frank too. I have no idea what he's doing, or where he is, but I hope truly in my heart that he's okay. I can't thank him enough to befriending me, and showing me what real affection is. Okay I've got to stop now, or I'm gonna cry.

And the Newest NASA Intern Is....Me! (Can You Believe It? I Can't Either.)

So yeah I got a total shock of fabulous surprise when I got an email from NASA today that said that out of thousands and thousands applications they recieved they chose me to parcipate in the program and I actually get a chance to intern at the Goddard Space Center in Maryland. Which means...I'm officially a NASA intern and I get to work at NASA over the summer! This is totally unbelievable. It's so weird since everything that I've always wanted to do since I was a little kid that I thought was never in any of my reach is suddenly becoming available and totally reachable. It's just so weird! I always said ever since I was three years old that I wanted to visit and travel around Europe. And I've always claimed that I've wanted to work at NASA (granted it was a rocket scientist, but hey anyway I can get it) and I've already accomplished the first goal as of last year, and now I'm getting my second one out of the way.

From the Grindhouse to The Huddle House

Happy Birthday to me!!!!! So yeah I'm officially legal today now, and it's hard to believe. I didn't think that it was going to ever be possible. But here it is. And there it was. So my birthday was yesterday it was pretty fun I have to admit. It started out a little rough when mom called in the morning we got into a little tiff about some stuff about God and how I should give thanks for all of that. It's not that I'm not thankful for it, cause that's not it at all, I just don't see why I have to dictate that to mom. Totally inappropriate and I'm gonna need for her to get over it. But finally I just decided to gratify her and move on. And then Grandma called and I talked to her, and that was interesting we have a cute little conversation with McKensie continously coming into it. So after that, I moved on and got dressed they finally showed up later in the day and we went to Fayetteville and ate out at a Chinese resturant and it was pretty good. After that we to see The Grindhouse, and that was incredibly odd. It was the most fun I've had at the theatres in a long, long time. I mean it's Rodriguez and Tarantino. It doesn't get much better than that, no matter who you are. So yeah that was pretty fabulous. After that we went to the mall and mom and dad bought me a pair of black Tims (my first real pair!) that roll down over the cuff (they're hot bootz!) and then I was gonna buy a pair of Sketchers for myself, and out of nowhere my brother pulled his card out and paid for them. That was really cool and I was totally surprised. So then I went down the walkway, and went to buy some sunglasses, and ended up with 2 pair of Gucci shades and a pair of Dolce & Gabanna glasses for 16 bucks. You can't possibly beat that. It was hot! So yeah and then I just bought the new Timbaland CD and it's the shit! Definately. As a side note, the guys at the Cross Creek Mall at the Fruit Bar were SOOOO hot! wow. And then I came back and met two really awesome guys this evening. Nick and Justin who were hanging out with Melissa (the Tri-Sigma chick that Efrain trying to get at) and we chilled out and they're pretty cool. So yeah I guess today is the day to get back on the grind. Who knows? And yeah the PS3 broke yesterday rather randomly, and they're gonna send me a new one but that sucks!!!!! Gosh. Who knows? Did I make that big a mistake when I traded all that shit in? Hmm....

The Triple-Threat Trio!!!

Okay so before I decided to make this a semi-serious blog, I had a random thought about the current state of my favorite actress in the whole world: Miss Angelina Jolie. Her children are going to be fucking awesome. Every last one of them. They're gonna like save the world or something. I mean they're like the answer to the world's problems. Because like when Zahara or Shiloh is like four years old, and Maddox is with them, when the teacher asks them what they want to be, they're gonna answer: "I'm going to be a political activist and fight poverty and cancer around the world. Feed every starving child on the planet and clean the rivers too." They're gonna be like the world's greatest superheroes. The Triple-Threat Trio!! They've got brains, beauty and killer genetics! But yeah it just makes me mad that they can be their kids and they won't adopt me!

Anyway, I hung out with a few members of the "family" tonight after an orchestra concert that was surprsingly good, though one of the violinists needs to get their ass kicked! But otherwise it was really good. I liked the second song they did to commorrate the student that died in the car crash. It made me think of Travis for a little while. God I miss him. I wish he would just come back. It saddens me even more to think that the memories I have of him will inevitably fade over time, and I don't want them to. I wanna hold on to the memory of his raspy voice and that flaming orange hair with those red freckles as long as I can. But...*sigh* yeah. It's cool how the family on this campus seems to have bonded together more tightly than I've ever seen any other kind of community do it in the past. Maybe all of that club shit is too rigid. Maybe we just need some kind of informal communtiy where people can do and say what they please without the fear of reprimand. But I really enjoy hanging out with my "sistahs." Sometimes I feel as though they neglect me, though I know that they're just busy. But it's hard to understand half the stuff that goes on because I don't really know the world that they come from and what goes on in it, but I try to catch up and understand most of what happens. And it hurts that I can't join in on all the festivities that go on as much as I'd like. I can only side-track and sideline. At least for now. I'm working to change that.

So I've discovered that (shock and amaze) they have a physical therapy center right down the street from the school and what's more they accept Medicaid and treat patients with CP! What more could one ask for? Now if my brother would stop bullshitting and get on the ball, I could start making progress toward my ultimate goal of walking across the damn stage to get that diploma in December. But the more I thought about it, I was thinking that I deserve it. I deserve a full life and I want one that I can fully enjoy to the fullest. I wanna go the club and J-Set and flirt with guys without them seeing the chair and losing interest. I wanna go and dance on the floor and break and pop it, and do all of that. Then I want to take them back to my apartment and make love slowly all night long with no thoughts of limitations and what we can and can't do. I have all of these visions in my mind. I want to wear clothes that fit and look right on me because I stand up in the mirror and wear them like they were designed. I don't want to have to wrap my fur coat around me to keep it from getting tore up. I don't want the sleeves of my shirt to end up really dirty every time I get in my chair. There's just so much that I want to and I owe it to myself to at least try to do it. I've done so much already and once you've seen a show like "Six Feet Under" of which I've finished the 1st season, you can't help but want to live your life a little better. So we shall have to see. I've still gotta plan the 3 parties I'm having for my birthday "week" so I have yet to know where all of this is going.