Change Is On the Wind....

Okay so I know this sounds kinda hopeful but in truth I really don't feel like it is. I bought Imogen Heap the other day and once again the bookstore delivers another wonderful product. It's rare the bookstore actually has magnificent music in his stock. There are a few instances though like that Paul Oakenfold CD I bought, and Michelle N'Ocellegeno or whatever and now Imogen Heap. Though I when I heard "Goodnight and Go" I knew I'd like her. But no, I finished Queer As Folk this morning and the show is officially over. It's hard to believe but it's finally through. I thought Brian and Justin were gonna finally get married but in the last episode they quit and Justin moved to New York. Linz and Melanie moved to Canada, Michael got his spleen taken out, he and Ben officially adopted Hunter as their new son, Emmitt found a new boyfriend after dumping the football player for the same reason I decided not to get involved with Craig, and Ted ended up with the same man from season 2, Blake. So in the end, everyone found someone except Brian, but that's the way he'd want it.

And this is bringing on problems for me. I've come to the realization that I don't like this. I don't like this at all. It's the fact that I hate the nights. I remember hearing in movies that the nights are always the worse, and they are. I think that's why I've fallen in love with Imogen Heap so hard. That song "Goodnight and Go" makes perfect sense to me. It's like all of the guys that I've ever seen that I've fallen for but couldn't have.

Why'd you have to be so cute?

It's impossible to ignore you...

Must you make me laugh so much?

It's bad enough we get along so well.

Just say goodnight and go.

She'd rather that her crush leave her alone and begone than to have to see her everyday and break her heart a thousand times a week. Sounds like what I'm going through. I hate having to crawl in bed alone with the cold sheets and the cold bed to have to take fifteen minutes to warm it back up again. I want someone here that I can grab on to. I want someone that I look at and lay down with without worrying about how someone else feels about it. I don't want to wait forever to have to do it either. I don't want to feel like I have to go to the gym and work on an impossible goal to try and attract the same sex, either. But with this damn wheelchair it's impossible to pull the attraction that I'm looking for. I'm mad that everyone seems to get the attention that they least expect. And when I go looking for something like that, everyone thinks I'm insane.

I hate the fact that I'm reduced to looking around on websites for people who are open-minded and don't mind many problems, because I have to explain my situation. I don't want to have to tell people that I have CP and can't walk. I don't want to have to explain what happened to me and why I look this way. I don't want to have to apologize for my skin color, and for my life and the way that it is. I don't want to think about beatings, and rantings, and ridiculous mess that people don't want to face up to. I just wish that I could turn around and there he'd be. Someone I don't have to say anything to. I just want to turn around have him realize everything there before I even open my mouth. So if there is a God, I know that he might not agree with everything that I'm doing, and if that's the case, if you don't like it, then change my mind!!!! Change my heart! Make me like girls! Make me forget about all the guys I've seen and fallen in love with! Make me become macho and stop looking at everyone like a piece of meat! You want me to be straight so bad? You're gonna have to work a miracle and change my mind! Otherwise....give me a fucking break.

And while it's on my mind, the auditions for the 3rd annual Fire and Ice Pageant are today. So that's interesting. I'll be looking for some interesting reactions to my madness. And tomorrow is the start of my pledge to Phi Mu Alpha. God I can't believe myself.

Preparing to Close the Heart...

So today is Sunday morning and Travis has been dead for three days now. I've finally began to get over it a little bit, by hanging out with a few friends and immersing myself in general groups of conversation. Anything that will help me take the pain out my head. It's like a surgery after the cutting and slicing away of the heart, when they've done what they have to, they prepare the sutures and start to stitch it up slowly. That's where I am right now. I'm starting to accept that he's gone and it just makes me more thankful and everything that I got to be his student. I had a conversation with Sharon today and she helped me to realize that Travis' death was just the way he would've wanted it. The crash was very very dramatic just like his life was. So I'm glad that it happened that way. He would've been mad if anything else happened like that. The paper says that he died instantly so I'm happy for it. As far as everything else, I managed to go to class and stuff but only after I went to chorus and found out that we're performing at Travis' memorial at GPAC. I didn't know that his death affected so many people. The GPAC is the only place we can have the memorial because of all the people that's supposed to attend. So yeah enough of that.

I got to see Silent Hill yesterday. It was really good actually. I was very impressed, and I'm in love with the camera work that the director used. It was a true mindfuck, just like the videogames, and it was a real trip watching it. The ending was really like whoa though it was kind of confusing. So yeah I've got mad work to do today. So more later on.

The Official Report via UNCP

The Official Report via UNCP

Friday, August 25, 2006

UNCP Professor in Fatal Automobile Accident

A veteran of stage and higher education Travis Stockley, 50, died in an automobile accident in Lumberton, N.C., on August 24, 2006. Stockley was an assistant professor and coordinator of the Music Theatre degree program at The University of North Carolina at Pembroke.

Stockley joined UNC Pembroke in 2002 and was instrumental in establishing the Universitys Bachelor of Music program in Musical Theatre in 2005. He directed a number of musicals at the University, including Music Man, Babes in Arms, Sweeney Todd, Aint Misbehavin and Youre A Good Man, Charlie Brown."

An accomplished director, Stockley directed over 100 professional productions throughout the U. S. and Europe, including The Music Man (starring Gary Sandy), Man of La Mancha (starring David Holiday), My Fair Lady, Singin in the Rain, West Side Story, Grease and Show Boat."

A Chicago, Ill., native, Stockley earned his Bachelor of Fine Arts from Illinois Wesleyan and his Master of Fine Arts from Northwestern University. He was a member of the East Carolina University faculty before coming to UNCP.

Stockley won the Outer Critics Award for the best Off-Broadway musical production and the Joseph Jefferson Award for best director of a musical. A finalist in the Sundance Theatre Lab, he entered three shorts in the Sundance Film Festival.

An active member of his community, Stockley served on the Advisory Board for Strike At The Wind! in Pembroke, N.C., and directed plays at the Gilbert Theater in Fayetteville, N.C. He was also a member of Phi Mu Alpha Sinfonia, a national music fraternity for men.

The Stockley family is planning a private funeral service to be held in Chicago, Ill. A memorial service will be held in the Givens Performing Arts Center at The University of North Carolina at Pembroke on Wednesday, September 6, 2006, at 10 AM.

R.I.P. Professor Stockley. I Miss You Already.

Travis, I cannot explain to you in words all that you have done for me here at UNC Pembroke. I truly owe you everything since being here. You are the only one who made me feel like anything I did was possible, and I am so VERY HONORED to have served and learned under you for every second we spent together during the two years you were my professor. You were my advisor, my mentor and my friend. And this is very very hard for me to accept that you're gone, but I will do the very best I can to keep your legacy alive in my heart and my mind for as long as I have breath in me to sing. And whenever I open my mouth to give the gift of song, I will know from now on that you are my inspiration and my strength that inspires me from day to day. I love and miss you very much. And I hope that you have found in death, the peace that this life could not give you. Do a rendition of Showboat for me wherever you are!!!!

Much love now and forever, Your student,
D'Arcee C. Neal

To the Most Fabulous Queer Ever. R.I.P. Travis...

Wow. I just can't talk right now. Can't talk, can't think, can barely breathe right now. I was just informed two hours ago that Doctor Travis Stockley my favorite professor in all of Pembroke was killed in a horrible car crash when he dosed off on his medicine while driving as his car slid under the wheels of an 18 wheeler truck was crushed to pieces. I can't believe this. I don't really wanna dwell on it right now. This is the 2nd death I've ever dealt with. And I'm thoroughly tripping. I owe him everything. Absolutely everything. Without him I wouldn't be here on this campus. So Travis I will always remember you and I will never forget.you as long as I live. You were the greatest and most fabulous queer ever and when others were too afraid to do anything at all you were the best. I will truly TRULY always miss you. Much love. D'Arcee.

The Hunt Begins...

No not for food really. There's a few meanings to this little sentiment mainly in the way of the old, old supervillans that just seemed to make their way back into my life. You know it's funny. Honestly I swore I would never, ever ever see these people ever again so long as I were to live, but as the Fates decide, we are their slaves and nothing we can do can stop them from beating us to a pulp. That's right. The last two people on earth that I ever wanted to see mainly a certain Mister Phi Kappa Tau, and a former SGA President, of which I would take great personal pleasure from seeing them bleed on the street have suddenly both returned into my view in less than a 24 hour period. It started when I was coming down the hall minding my own business, when out of the great blue yonder he turns around a low and behold I saw a demon rise from the great pit of fire known as the lie, and I saw his face and his eyes only for a moment before in a quick recollection of extreme hatred moved past with nothing more than a chill and shudder down my spine. The other spineless creature that graces this planet happened to be sitting down conversing with a few acquaintances I recollected from a summer past when the final tension between us snapped. There he was, recollecting and revising over and over when I noticed him while conversing with my own semi-acquaintance, and had to stop mid-sentence for the unbelievable truth that there he was in human flesh devoid of all innocence and dignity in front of me. I wanted to puke right then.

In other news, classes are good, I've suddenly seen myself dragged into a choir class that is directed and produced by none other than Jaeyoon Kim, who after a fierce battle with the powers that be in the music department, is now my current voice teacher again. So that's that. Speaking of production, the Fire and Ice Show is gonna be starting soon since the green light was given in preparation for the reality TV show that will be aired this fall at the school. So that should be fun. And I rekindled some old flames when I returned to the 10% Society meeting tonight to see what has become of this haphazard group thrown together. It seems they're doing quite well almost well enough to make me feel like a third wheel when it was my original attempt that revive the group to what it is now. But nevertheless I'm happy for them and I hope they keep growing. We've got some big plans this semester, some of which I don't know how the campus will take to, but hey like Chris said this evening, "If we don't get out there and do shit like this now, they're never take us seriously." So yeah I guess.

This morning I got to become a royal pincushion as I attempted to go and take the HIV test they were offering here at the school only to be sorely disappointed and discover after seven stabs of the needle that the veins rolled and collapsed. So we shall have to wait another two weeks until a new available schedule comes into view. In other words, my OTHER test results come back tomorrow. So I shall see what the Fates have in store for me this time.....until next time. Oríva.

And We Now Return to Your Regularly Scheduled Program...

Sorry for the delay. Technical difficulties. Oh well let's see here. It's like August 22nd, which means it's officially been 20 days since I've written here and it feels like another lifetime. Well if all my experiences were like this then I really am starting to believe in Hinduism cause I'll be trapped in the wheel of life forever! (or at least one can hope from this standpoint). Anyway...let's see here....what's to cover.

First off, I spent some very much needed R and R back at home and to the beauty and delight of everyone involved my parents actually left me alone and went away to Florida for two weeks without anyone! Can you believe that? Not only do I get to come home, but without Mom for two weeks there alone? I know, it sounds too good to be true, but that's what happened. They drove off to Jacksonville to attend some church conference with T.D. Jakes, and get dad some rest, while we stayed behind and played catch up like we always do. A few things here.

First off, dad is trippin' for real. Forgetting mom's birthday, mother's day and the 21 year anniversary all in a three month period is whoa. But we had a long and serious discussion, all of us at the dinner table at O'Charley's when I was there, but I don't think he was listening to us. I think he heard us, but I don't think he was listening. Sad thing is, I don't think there's much we can do to change what's coming. I only hope he can do what he does best and push back the inevitable before it comes crashing down all at once. They say he has a heart condition, he has bad muscle sprain, and a breath intake problem leading to what could be a stroke. But...he doesn't care. He made that painfully obvious at the dinner table. I don't know what to do. It's like watching a train wreck in slow motion. But he doesn't see it. I don't know. Can't focus on that now.

Mom's good, in good health and still kicking like always. She was getting really pissed (see above) and so she left and went to Cha-town to visit the relatives and relax. Came back and left with Dad to Jacksonville to try and calm the nerves. I'm worried about what could be the future of their relationship together. Since I'm gone, and Shon's leaving (hopefully) within the next two years, I wonder what she'll do when we're gone. Probably the same stuff, but the thing is, she's not stupid. She's not gonna wait around forever as dad tries to get his shit together. I don't know. But we'll just have to wait and see.

As far as Shon goes, he and I had a much needed discussion concerning the future of my personal sex life goes. I told him everything. And I really can't believe that I did. But that IS my brother no matter how much I regret that fact sometimes, and so I told him. Everything. About Germany about sleeping around, about losing my virginity, he knows everything. And I asked him the most important question since when I asked my mom about whether or not I could visit the fam for the holidays if I had a boyfriend (and she subsquently refused), I asked him if he would mind if I visited with my boyfriend, and he said no, thank God. Foretunately, he seems to have matured out of the stage of the parental copies, which is a good thing cause I was worried about that for a minute. I thought perhaps that he might get sucked into their little game, which would leave me out in the cold for a while, but apparently he seems to get it better than the rest of those two. He told me that he understands that it's my life and I should get to live it like how I want and he doesn't see a problem with me living how I want. I wish Mom could understand that too, but she doesn't seem to be getting it. I'm sure we could get along so much better if she would just get with the program. But it's mom and I don't think she ever will.

Finally so now I'm back in college at Pembroke, (after a long 6 hour debate with Lumbee Hall when they tried to cancel my classes due to Germany credits) and everything is looking good for the most part. I went and purchased the last season of Queer As Folk which means officially I own 4/5 parts, and I've seen now all 5, though I'm working through it. The classes are interesting and I've got the following to get through:

Psychology 101: Dr. King -M,W,F 12:30

Environmental Science: Dr. Ezell- M, W, F 3:30

The American Novel: Dr. Canada- M 6:30

Introduction to Mass Media: Dr. Liu-T, TR 11:30

Principles of Literary Theory: Dr. Cannata-T, TR 2:00

Vocal Lessons: Dr. Kim-TR 3:30

Creative Writing (?): Dr. Helgeson-TR 6:30

And that's what my schedule's looking like. Basically at 19 hours if I can get it right. But it's not as strenduous as it looks. I also have the Fire and Ice Pageant this year to deal with, and I've started the gears for the Miss UNCP Pageant too. And I might become a frat boy too, if the cards play out right. So yeah I'm involved in some big shit right now. And to top it all off...I've got Anthony to deal with.

So othis Anthony guy. I supposed to be meeting him today to just chill out. But I've spoken to a few of the gay guys I say I should leave him be. But I don't know. I'm tired of wondering around here wondering what to do. I miss Germany for that aspect. I wish to god I could've ran into that last guy first. We could've had SO much fun! But alas....it wasn't meant to be. Either way I gotta go. Later.