"We Are The Sum Of Our Experiences."
-Unknown.
Well, well. Here we are. All of us together in one piece as we take a look back and glance at what has been my life since this crazy mess started a little less than a year ago. Back then, it was merely a dream, merely a passing thought, something that I thought about when I went to sleep. It was something I used to wonder when I was eating, and I'd wonder how they did it, or how they slept and what their cities looked like. And yet here I am a year later, and in approximately 20 hours and 40 minutes, I'll be boarding a plane for the first time in my life to head some 5,000 miles East and to Germany. I have to say that as I'm sitting here and I finished packing my life away, (which incidently can just about fit into a large suitcase, a medium suitcase, and a carryon bag) I had second thoughts. I mean I'm sitting here wondering,"Just what the fuck am I getting ready to do? This is fucking crazy!" This time tomorrow evening, I'll be on a plane flying over the Atlantic Ocean to live somewhere for five fucking months in place where people barely speak any English. On the surface, quite frankly it's overwhelming. I mean, millions of people that I don't know. Thousands of faces daily. And languages and tongues that I can't even begin to rememeber. I got a taste of this when I went to my friend Qasim's house over the weekend and stayed a few days. Qasim and his brood are from Pakistan, so they can speak Urdu/Hindi quite fluently with English mixed right on in. They'd be sitting there just gabbing away as I'm sitting there listening just wondering and hoping they weren't commenting about me. But in the end, who really knows? And so tomorrow, I will flying thousands of feet above the ground staring at the window of an impossibly small plane thinking about how I want to be on the ground. And oh god when I get there. That's going to be one hell of a story. It's a good thing I've got MySpace, cause you'll be there to capture every single minute of the heartbreak, the triumph, and the generally all around madness that is quickly turning out to be my life. This trip to Germany will represent more than me just going to study at another university cause if I really wanted to do that I could transfer to High Point or something. No, this is about my dream. Ever since I was three years old, I have always wanted to travel to Europe. I just never ever ever ever thought I'd be doing it right now. I thought maybe I'd do it when I was like 30 or something working a job looking for a good place to vacation. And yet I'm going now, turning 20 in a week, to a completely new place. And to add it together, Trick and I are slowly rebuilding our relationship, which always makes me feel better. But we shall certainly see. Well then. Until next time from Ludwigsburg Germany. Goodnight, and Goodluck.
D'Arcee.
0 DAYS LEFT. TOMORROW.
Thursday 30 March 2006
Wednesday 29 March 2006
After-Image...In the Form of Orlando's Prince Charles!
Oh yes, by the way. I figured it would be very well worth it to mention that gasp and surprise, another 200 dollars came missing from Diane's safe-deposit box, and this time I wasn't even there. The only people who were was: Jessica and (big suprise!) CHARLES!!!!! Why must she get robbed again and again before she realizes that the man was stealing her money to pay for his wife and kid? tsk, tsk. That's some sad shit.
Oh...My...God....The Unthinkable Is Happening Before My Eyes!! Karma Is a Mother-Fucker!! WW3!!
If this doesn't qualify for a pre-season finale, I don't know what does. I can't believe it. I just can't fucking believe it. After two fucking years, the impossible has happened. The person who I cursed the hell out after high school has apologized for the way he treated me. Of course, it could just be a ploy to make me feel like shit. However, it doesn't matter. I've managed to catch up with mister Patrick Stone who currently attends UNCC, but who moved to Alabama, and I told him everything. How I felt, how he made me feel, what I did to him and everything. And to my great surprise, he apologzied. Several times over, if I might add. I honestly don't know what to say. I've been thinking about this day for the last two and half years. I've always thought about what I would say to him if I ever get a chance to talk to him again. I've always wondered and thought about whether or not I would be able to speak to him after what he did to me. I told him that I completely dogged him in my yearbook, and that he was a complete and utter asshole to me. He repeatedly apologized to me and said that he was really sorry and he didn't mean any of it. He told me that because he was with this girl Heather, she had messed up his mind and he had put all of his friends on the backburner and caused a lot of people to be hurt. But he told me that she cheated on him with his best friend and now he doesn't talk to either one of them. He told me that his parents moved to Alabama for foretunately he still goes to UNCC, and that he was able to get his life back on the right track. And it is in this that the problem lies. Though strangely enough, t's not with him. But rather with me. He told me that he's tried to turn over a new leaf in life and that he's tried to make himself into a better person and all of that how he goes to church and how he's trying to restructure himself so he can live a better life mentally and spiritually. Which of course, in turn, made me feel like complete and utter shit. I had assumed, (and I told him so) that he was constantly partying it up in UNCC and all of that, but to my great surprise, he informs me that he's never gotten drunk or anything. And to think that I've done all that I've done in the short amount of time. I've been smashed, had sex, and the whole nine. Done drugs and all of it. And here is someone that I used to admire so much and to find out that he's done none of it is crazy to me. I didn't know what to say. He just seemed so much more capable than me. But in truth, I didn't want to hear anything else he had to say other than his apology. And he told me, and that was what I needed. Maybe not for anyone else, but it was for me specifically. On a side note, I was rather pleased to hear that he still had his Tims from way back in high school and he was wearing them while we were talking (rawr :)) but that's something completely different. Size 12's, bitches!
Well now it's the 29th, and I officially leave the day after tomorrow on a journey that will be sure to be the talk of my life for the next thirty years. In a way I can't wait to see what's coming, but in the other, I'm absolutely terrified of what might possibly be coming that could change the way I see the world forever. I suppose I'm gonna go and make a mass email saying my goodbyes to Pembroke for the time being. That and I have a SHIT load of things to do. It's quite a big list. There's so much that needs to be done, and no time to do it. But then, it's always that way.
I can't believe it. I talked to Trick. I simply can't believe it. He said he really wants to chill with me and invited me to his house in Alabama. But unforetunately, I know now that I can't trust everything that Mister Patrick Stone says out of his mouth, or rather through his keyboard (the email anyone?) so we will have to see.
On a completely opposite note, Jessica and I are threatening to seperate over this Diane issue because she's still ranting and screaming about her money that I supposedly owe her. So I straight up told Jessica how I feel. I told her that the reason I didn't pay Diane was because of the fact that I thought that she had sold my three games in an attempt to get back her money. I told her that there was no point in my paying for anything since Diane already got what she wanted. To which to my complete shock and amaze, Jessica pipes up and chimes in that she does in fact have the video games there with her. Which I frankly couldn't believe. They've been telling me for a month and a week (which is exactly what Jessica said) that they didn't have it, and they didn't know where they were and all of that. And now, out of the blue, the games just jump back into the picture. No lie, it'd be fabulous to have my games back cause I miss Dead or Alive like hell. And Perfect Dark too. But I told her that I had already assumed they were gone. And then she preceeds to tell me off about not being a human shield between myself and Diane, and I told her that she's the only one who answers my calls. Everytime I call that house, Jessica is the only one who responds. So of course, I'm gonna talk to Jessica because Diane acts like she doesn't wanna hear it. I'm sorry that Jessica is taking the brunt of the situation from both sides, but that's what happens one of us screws the other, and it ain't me. So she threatened to stop talking to me or whatever to which I broke the conversation off, because I refuse to stop being friends with her over this Diane issue. I've known her for three years now, compared to the measely 6 months that Diane can claim. If that doesn't count for anything, then quite frankly this was a waste of time and money. According to Jessica, she's going to put the box in the mail tomorrow, which I'm not sure I believe because I don't think that Diane will just let the box leave the house. But we shall see all in the press of time. And on an interesting note, Jessica tells me that Diane will turn me into the police if I don't pay her the 75 dollars before I leave for Germany, which I completely don't believe. You're telling me that Jana and Rock can stay in her house for months not pay a dime, rack up bills over a thousand dollars each, and she brushes them off, and Diane's gonna hound me over 75 dollars? Fuck that. Complete and utter bullshit. But like I said, we shall see. I'd like to see the police fly to Germany to come and arrest me over 75 bucks. That'd be a riot.
Finally to the complete the drama that is WW3, I ran into a complete nutcase on MFF, who was insistant that I was lying to him about my house and my address, my name, my face, and everything else. No matter how many times I attempted to persuade this lunatic, he continued to badger and threaten me and then preceeded to try and get my phone number. That is NOT the way you get a date people! There are better and far more effective ways then coersing someone! True it works, but it's sooo much better to take the nice route. And it's more pleasant too. But apparently, he wasn't about the pleasantries, so he didn't waste anytime. And I didn't either. I finally had to click ignore on his ass. I had had enough. And so now, at 2 am I'm finally hitting the sack to rest my body and rise to start the monumental task waiting for me on that list. Ugghhh..so much work. But the rewards will so pay off. I can't wait. But then again, I can.
For the historic memorabilia for myself, I'm leaving a piece of Trick's conversation on here so I can always read it and weep. Who knows? I might have to call him a liar again real soon. And I need an angle to support my theory.
[23:21] VampireofSanity: But no seriously. And I can't stress this enough. I NEED to know. Did I do something to you to make you dislike me or something? Because you have no idea how crushed I was when I left high school.
[23:21] VampireofSanity: Why do you think I graduated early?
[23:21] VampireofSanity: I couldn't stand to be there.
[23:21] suthnboy10: haha no man you didnt do anything at all to me
[23:22] VampireofSanity: well, the reason I asked is simple.
[23:22] suthnboy10: i just was not all there..i wasnt the person i needed to be..and i am really sorry if i hurt you because that wasnt all my intention..my mind was just somewhere else then where it should have been
[23:23] VampireofSanity: I remember before I left that I had bought you a birthday present and I wanted to give it to you before I left.
[23:23] VampireofSanity: I remembered when we talked that you told me how you liked to write songs on your guitar.
[23:24] VampireofSanity: So I bought you a Songwriter's book that had tips and tricks and the addresses to all the record companies in America and how to reach them if you ever wanted to go public.
[23:24] VampireofSanity: But I remember the day I tried to give it you.
[23:25] VampireofSanity: you totally blew me off.
[23:25] VampireofSanity: And I had no idea why.
[23:25] suthnboy10: i dont remember man but i am really really sorry
[23:25] suthnboy10: and i do appreciate you going out of your way to do that for me
[23:26] VampireofSanity: It's okay. But you have no idea how hurt I was. I mean, I'm literally crying again thinking about it. Let's just say when I got my last yearbook from the school that year, you had quite a few pages dedicated to you about what a liar you turned out to be.
[23:26] VampireofSanity: I was....very...upset.
[23:27] VampireofSanity: but it doesn't matter.
[23:27] suthnboy10: im really sorry dude
[23:28] VampireofSanity: it's alright.
[23:29] VampireofSanity: I didn't mean to burden you with that.
[23:29] VampireofSanity: but I never know when to find you.
[23:29] VampireofSanity: So I figured it was better to get it off my chest now that you're here.
[23:30] suthnboy10: i hear ya ..and i am sorry i really didnt mean to make you feel that way
[23:31] VampireofSanity: ....it's okay... [sigh]
[23:31] VampireofSanity: I feel much better now.
[23:31] suthnboy10: i dont remember much of my last couple years at hs..i was practically married and didnt do much of anything but chill w my gf..which ended up cheatin on me w my best friend and so i was just ready to get away from that situation and off to college and i know in that whole process i hurt a lot of ppl
[23:33] VampireofSanity: I see.
1 DAY LEFT.
Well now it's the 29th, and I officially leave the day after tomorrow on a journey that will be sure to be the talk of my life for the next thirty years. In a way I can't wait to see what's coming, but in the other, I'm absolutely terrified of what might possibly be coming that could change the way I see the world forever. I suppose I'm gonna go and make a mass email saying my goodbyes to Pembroke for the time being. That and I have a SHIT load of things to do. It's quite a big list. There's so much that needs to be done, and no time to do it. But then, it's always that way.
I can't believe it. I talked to Trick. I simply can't believe it. He said he really wants to chill with me and invited me to his house in Alabama. But unforetunately, I know now that I can't trust everything that Mister Patrick Stone says out of his mouth, or rather through his keyboard (the email anyone?) so we will have to see.
On a completely opposite note, Jessica and I are threatening to seperate over this Diane issue because she's still ranting and screaming about her money that I supposedly owe her. So I straight up told Jessica how I feel. I told her that the reason I didn't pay Diane was because of the fact that I thought that she had sold my three games in an attempt to get back her money. I told her that there was no point in my paying for anything since Diane already got what she wanted. To which to my complete shock and amaze, Jessica pipes up and chimes in that she does in fact have the video games there with her. Which I frankly couldn't believe. They've been telling me for a month and a week (which is exactly what Jessica said) that they didn't have it, and they didn't know where they were and all of that. And now, out of the blue, the games just jump back into the picture. No lie, it'd be fabulous to have my games back cause I miss Dead or Alive like hell. And Perfect Dark too. But I told her that I had already assumed they were gone. And then she preceeds to tell me off about not being a human shield between myself and Diane, and I told her that she's the only one who answers my calls. Everytime I call that house, Jessica is the only one who responds. So of course, I'm gonna talk to Jessica because Diane acts like she doesn't wanna hear it. I'm sorry that Jessica is taking the brunt of the situation from both sides, but that's what happens one of us screws the other, and it ain't me. So she threatened to stop talking to me or whatever to which I broke the conversation off, because I refuse to stop being friends with her over this Diane issue. I've known her for three years now, compared to the measely 6 months that Diane can claim. If that doesn't count for anything, then quite frankly this was a waste of time and money. According to Jessica, she's going to put the box in the mail tomorrow, which I'm not sure I believe because I don't think that Diane will just let the box leave the house. But we shall see all in the press of time. And on an interesting note, Jessica tells me that Diane will turn me into the police if I don't pay her the 75 dollars before I leave for Germany, which I completely don't believe. You're telling me that Jana and Rock can stay in her house for months not pay a dime, rack up bills over a thousand dollars each, and she brushes them off, and Diane's gonna hound me over 75 dollars? Fuck that. Complete and utter bullshit. But like I said, we shall see. I'd like to see the police fly to Germany to come and arrest me over 75 bucks. That'd be a riot.
Finally to the complete the drama that is WW3, I ran into a complete nutcase on MFF, who was insistant that I was lying to him about my house and my address, my name, my face, and everything else. No matter how many times I attempted to persuade this lunatic, he continued to badger and threaten me and then preceeded to try and get my phone number. That is NOT the way you get a date people! There are better and far more effective ways then coersing someone! True it works, but it's sooo much better to take the nice route. And it's more pleasant too. But apparently, he wasn't about the pleasantries, so he didn't waste anytime. And I didn't either. I finally had to click ignore on his ass. I had had enough. And so now, at 2 am I'm finally hitting the sack to rest my body and rise to start the monumental task waiting for me on that list. Ugghhh..so much work. But the rewards will so pay off. I can't wait. But then again, I can.
For the historic memorabilia for myself, I'm leaving a piece of Trick's conversation on here so I can always read it and weep. Who knows? I might have to call him a liar again real soon. And I need an angle to support my theory.
[23:21] VampireofSanity: But no seriously. And I can't stress this enough. I NEED to know. Did I do something to you to make you dislike me or something? Because you have no idea how crushed I was when I left high school.
[23:21] VampireofSanity: Why do you think I graduated early?
[23:21] VampireofSanity: I couldn't stand to be there.
[23:21] suthnboy10: haha no man you didnt do anything at all to me
[23:22] VampireofSanity: well, the reason I asked is simple.
[23:22] suthnboy10: i just was not all there..i wasnt the person i needed to be..and i am really sorry if i hurt you because that wasnt all my intention..my mind was just somewhere else then where it should have been
[23:23] VampireofSanity: I remember before I left that I had bought you a birthday present and I wanted to give it to you before I left.
[23:23] VampireofSanity: I remembered when we talked that you told me how you liked to write songs on your guitar.
[23:24] VampireofSanity: So I bought you a Songwriter's book that had tips and tricks and the addresses to all the record companies in America and how to reach them if you ever wanted to go public.
[23:24] VampireofSanity: But I remember the day I tried to give it you.
[23:25] VampireofSanity: you totally blew me off.
[23:25] VampireofSanity: And I had no idea why.
[23:25] suthnboy10: i dont remember man but i am really really sorry
[23:25] suthnboy10: and i do appreciate you going out of your way to do that for me
[23:26] VampireofSanity: It's okay. But you have no idea how hurt I was. I mean, I'm literally crying again thinking about it. Let's just say when I got my last yearbook from the school that year, you had quite a few pages dedicated to you about what a liar you turned out to be.
[23:26] VampireofSanity: I was....very...upset.
[23:27] VampireofSanity: but it doesn't matter.
[23:27] suthnboy10: im really sorry dude
[23:28] VampireofSanity: it's alright.
[23:29] VampireofSanity: I didn't mean to burden you with that.
[23:29] VampireofSanity: but I never know when to find you.
[23:29] VampireofSanity: So I figured it was better to get it off my chest now that you're here.
[23:30] suthnboy10: i hear ya ..and i am sorry i really didnt mean to make you feel that way
[23:31] VampireofSanity: ....it's okay... [sigh]
[23:31] VampireofSanity: I feel much better now.
[23:31] suthnboy10: i dont remember much of my last couple years at hs..i was practically married and didnt do much of anything but chill w my gf..which ended up cheatin on me w my best friend and so i was just ready to get away from that situation and off to college and i know in that whole process i hurt a lot of ppl
[23:33] VampireofSanity: I see.
1 DAY LEFT.
Monday 20 March 2006
And Speaking of Horoscopes...Here's Saturday's....
D'Arcee!
Attention to detail will suddenly pay off for you. The future looks a little more secure as pieces to a big puzzle are rapidly falling into place. It is not time to celebrate, just yet, so focus on the here and now.
Pretty relevent, huh?
Attention to detail will suddenly pay off for you. The future looks a little more secure as pieces to a big puzzle are rapidly falling into place. It is not time to celebrate, just yet, so focus on the here and now.
Pretty relevent, huh?
And Houston We Are Green!!
Alright so the last few days have been very interesting. First things first, I finally went to meet Peter Dines in Pembroke on Friday taking Quasim and the fam with me. When we got there, honestly I was afraid that Tina and Dorothy (whom I didn't know was coming) was gonna chew me out because I didn't do this and that, and because it had taken me forever to do the stuff they wanted. I honestly came to the meeting Tina to actually say that I couldn't go because something I didn't do, or because she didn't think I was capable and all of that. However, to my shock and amazement, none of that occured. I met Peter who is a very nice German gentlemen with a thick English accent and he preceeded to explain to me about what is going to happen as of next Friday (oh my god that's close, I can't half type it) and what he told me had both really good and really bad in it.
The good stuff: I have my own apartment in Ludwigsburg, which is usually reserved for teachers and stuff, however in my case, they allowed me to have it. It has everything in it, via kitchen bedroom and stuff like that. So if I did decide to have someone come over....then we'd have the place to ourselves..hehe....anyway. There's that and in there's the train station which is an atonishing three minutes from the apartment, which can take you to Stuttgart or whatever, which is good. Come to find out Paris France is only about six or seven hours away from Ludwigsburg, while London is an good ten. So I'd be pulling another North Carolina to Florida trip making my way there. And they're going to open up an account when we reach Germany allowing me to access my money and all of that. And then the best part of all, is: It's GERMANY! I mean, come on. That's the shit.
The bad part: And there was quite a few of them. First off, I'm not sure how the airline is going to dismantle my wheelchair and stuff like that and how they plan on reassembling it when I reach Stuttgart. So that could end in horror, but I'll have to make sure it doesn't. The main bad part about all of this is: It's the classes. They have classes only once a week, which may sound like a good thing in the beginning but that's before you hear the rest. The system has something called ETCS credits which basically act like credit hours at Pembroke. They are at 2:1 ratio, which means that a class that offers 6 credits will only transfer to be 3 at Pembroke. Which means that I have to take at least 24 ETCS credits to be eligible for my financial aid and all of that. For me personally, I have to take at least 30, which translates to five 6 credit classes. This wouldn't be so bad if they didn't have those classes everyday. Or in other words, I've got a variety of different classes every single day. Which in truth, is gonna be interesting because it means that I don't have to repeat a single teacher for the rest of the week.lol. However add this to the equation of no supervision, and we've got trouble. Peter informed me quite heavily that Germany usually allows its students to completely do their own thing when it comes to studying which means that the teachers are going to tell you to do something and then give you a date to turn it in and that's the end. I had another class like this already (aka English 106 w/ Dr. Vela) and that didn't turn out as well as I thought. I don't like the concept that we can't get in class help on certain projects. But I'll have to find that out.
Oh yes, and let me add that Shon might not might make it out of high school after all. He's failing his Math class that you have to have to graduate. Oh so sad. It will be a sad day in the Neal family if he doesn't graduate. That's all I know.
12 DAYS LEFT!
The good stuff: I have my own apartment in Ludwigsburg, which is usually reserved for teachers and stuff, however in my case, they allowed me to have it. It has everything in it, via kitchen bedroom and stuff like that. So if I did decide to have someone come over....then we'd have the place to ourselves..hehe....anyway. There's that and in there's the train station which is an atonishing three minutes from the apartment, which can take you to Stuttgart or whatever, which is good. Come to find out Paris France is only about six or seven hours away from Ludwigsburg, while London is an good ten. So I'd be pulling another North Carolina to Florida trip making my way there. And they're going to open up an account when we reach Germany allowing me to access my money and all of that. And then the best part of all, is: It's GERMANY! I mean, come on. That's the shit.
The bad part: And there was quite a few of them. First off, I'm not sure how the airline is going to dismantle my wheelchair and stuff like that and how they plan on reassembling it when I reach Stuttgart. So that could end in horror, but I'll have to make sure it doesn't. The main bad part about all of this is: It's the classes. They have classes only once a week, which may sound like a good thing in the beginning but that's before you hear the rest. The system has something called ETCS credits which basically act like credit hours at Pembroke. They are at 2:1 ratio, which means that a class that offers 6 credits will only transfer to be 3 at Pembroke. Which means that I have to take at least 24 ETCS credits to be eligible for my financial aid and all of that. For me personally, I have to take at least 30, which translates to five 6 credit classes. This wouldn't be so bad if they didn't have those classes everyday. Or in other words, I've got a variety of different classes every single day. Which in truth, is gonna be interesting because it means that I don't have to repeat a single teacher for the rest of the week.lol. However add this to the equation of no supervision, and we've got trouble. Peter informed me quite heavily that Germany usually allows its students to completely do their own thing when it comes to studying which means that the teachers are going to tell you to do something and then give you a date to turn it in and that's the end. I had another class like this already (aka English 106 w/ Dr. Vela) and that didn't turn out as well as I thought. I don't like the concept that we can't get in class help on certain projects. But I'll have to find that out.
Oh yes, and let me add that Shon might not might make it out of high school after all. He's failing his Math class that you have to have to graduate. Oh so sad. It will be a sad day in the Neal family if he doesn't graduate. That's all I know.
12 DAYS LEFT!
Friday 17 March 2006
Today Is My V-Day. And It Is the Reason Why I Love You.
In history class we learned that V-day was actually another way in which the Americans of old approached the concept of victory against the Japanese in the historic World War II back in 1942. The V has always stood for a symbol of strength whether it be for the American peace sign in the sixties, or for the pillar of civilization for the Greeks with the number five. Whatever the case, V has always stood for something significant. And this morning at precisely 12:53 a.m. on Friday March, 17th it means something now to me too, and that's because I just came from watching the movie "V for Vendetta" and it has completely changed my life forever and the way that I see things. I will never look at my life the same way ever again. That movie has shown me things that I knew existed but I didn't want to feel. There are things and times that people consider suppressing themselves underneath someone else because they want to become something else, they want to shed their skin and adopt the ideologies of something else. Well, I'm through with that. I'm not going to live anyone else's life anymore. I'm not going to live for my parents, and I'm not going to live for my friends. It's not about the career I choose, and it's not about what I'm going to do way down the road and whom I'm going to take with me. All there is is ME.
I'm sure anyone who watches that movie can pick out tons of different scenes in which they were impacted in different ways because it makes so many statements all at once, and for that I praise the Wachowski brothers from the bottom of my heart. I'm glad that some movie directors can understand the concept of the multi-faceted face behind the Hollywood industry and realize that it's not all about the sex, or the violence, but rather about the ideals behind it. As V said in the movie, "What lies behind this mask is not flesh, but an ideal, and an ideal is bulletproof." To me personally, the most powerful scene in that movie was the scene where Natalie Portman was trapped in prison and lying on the stone floor being tortured to death. She wasn't sure she was going to make it out alive, and she wasn't sure what she was doing by not giving them the information that they wanted. But she found a letter crumpled in a hole in the floor, and it was a note, an autobiography of another prisoner, a woman who had written her last dying wishes on a piece of toilet paper with the last thing she had. It was her story.
It told the story about how she was a lesbian and how she had fell in love with this girl in middle school, and that when they grew up, her friend grew out of the homosexual phase, and moved on, but she did not. It talked about how she met a girl in high school, and decided to come out to her parents and how they threw her out and threw her baby picture in the trash. Then she talked about how years later, she went into the movie business and met another actress with whom she got together. And together they lived happily until the war in America spread to London and then everything changed about attitudes with everyone, and how they started gathering everyone up and killing them off like a Nazi concentration camp. They killed two gay men in the movie and beat them to death, and then she said they took her girlfriend in a grocery store. And she sat there and waited for them to take her in her living room and she died there in the prison.
The thing that got me most was the fact that what she said was that each of us is made up everything. Everything we do defines us and who we are. And so even if they do everything to us, they cannot take the one inch of dignity that we have left in the last part of our minds. And so she said that she held on to that one inch, even as they killed her slowly over three years. And when she died, she had no regrets because she had lived three years with roses and sunshine. And that to me told me that I cannot regret who I am or what I do. There is only one choice. And that's to live. No matter how I do it, I just have to do it. And so, I end this blog with her last statement, as a testment to her.
"Even if I saw you, laughed with you, talked to you, held your hand, or even kissed you, believe me when I tell you that I love you. I love each and every one of you from the bottom of my heart."
Powerful. Simply magnificent. Five stars in my book.
14 DAYS LEFT.
I'm sure anyone who watches that movie can pick out tons of different scenes in which they were impacted in different ways because it makes so many statements all at once, and for that I praise the Wachowski brothers from the bottom of my heart. I'm glad that some movie directors can understand the concept of the multi-faceted face behind the Hollywood industry and realize that it's not all about the sex, or the violence, but rather about the ideals behind it. As V said in the movie, "What lies behind this mask is not flesh, but an ideal, and an ideal is bulletproof." To me personally, the most powerful scene in that movie was the scene where Natalie Portman was trapped in prison and lying on the stone floor being tortured to death. She wasn't sure she was going to make it out alive, and she wasn't sure what she was doing by not giving them the information that they wanted. But she found a letter crumpled in a hole in the floor, and it was a note, an autobiography of another prisoner, a woman who had written her last dying wishes on a piece of toilet paper with the last thing she had. It was her story.
It told the story about how she was a lesbian and how she had fell in love with this girl in middle school, and that when they grew up, her friend grew out of the homosexual phase, and moved on, but she did not. It talked about how she met a girl in high school, and decided to come out to her parents and how they threw her out and threw her baby picture in the trash. Then she talked about how years later, she went into the movie business and met another actress with whom she got together. And together they lived happily until the war in America spread to London and then everything changed about attitudes with everyone, and how they started gathering everyone up and killing them off like a Nazi concentration camp. They killed two gay men in the movie and beat them to death, and then she said they took her girlfriend in a grocery store. And she sat there and waited for them to take her in her living room and she died there in the prison.
The thing that got me most was the fact that what she said was that each of us is made up everything. Everything we do defines us and who we are. And so even if they do everything to us, they cannot take the one inch of dignity that we have left in the last part of our minds. And so she said that she held on to that one inch, even as they killed her slowly over three years. And when she died, she had no regrets because she had lived three years with roses and sunshine. And that to me told me that I cannot regret who I am or what I do. There is only one choice. And that's to live. No matter how I do it, I just have to do it. And so, I end this blog with her last statement, as a testment to her.
"Even if I saw you, laughed with you, talked to you, held your hand, or even kissed you, believe me when I tell you that I love you. I love each and every one of you from the bottom of my heart."
Powerful. Simply magnificent. Five stars in my book.
14 DAYS LEFT.
Wednesday 8 March 2006
The Clock Keeps Ticking...And the Spring Might Pop.
Well, well. Here's an update on the current situation, of exhibit A, my life. Currently in the situation we have A: Diane accusing me of stealing $900.00; B: A financial situation up in smoke, and C: The prospects of ther Germany trip looming ever closer. Let's take a closer cross examination of each of these aspects.
The jury presents exhibit A:
I had a very interesting conversation with my mother yesterday in which she devolves to me the real reason behind the Diane madness. First off, let me say after two and half weeks of fervent negotiations, my things have finally been returned but not in all one piece, according to Jessica and my mother. I have yet to actually witness this for myself, but we shall see. According to my mother and she's correct and for this I really do thank God for the insight and knowledge of dodging something yet to come. She told me that when Diane returned to Orlando without me of course, she found out that her safety deposit box had been disposed off minus 900 dollars. Of course, I have no clue of what she's referring to, because she never mentioned a box to me. However she calls my mother in Myrtle Beach and informs her that I must've taken the money because I was the only one who knew where it was. HUH???? WHAT THE FUCK? That's part of the situation is completely insane. I had no clue where this lady kept her stuff, and on top of that I was trying my best to be a polite and courteous host to her when she invited me in because I had plans to live in her house. Why would I want to fuck that up by stealing her money? Like she couldn't tell it was gone! Duh! What a stupid thing for me to do! And that's why I didn't, though I didn't even see the money in the first place for me to have stolen it. And according to my mother, Diane was going to have me arrested on criminal charges for her stuff. So by being here, it kept her from doing that and she had to go through my mother, who vehemently insisted that I didn't do it. However, I just thought of something quite brillant. If Diane keeps checking her safety deposit box before she does something dealing with her money, I'm sure she checked it before we left on the trip, considering that it was a trip out of state and all of that. Obviously, the money wasn't missing then, because she would have went off about it. However, we were gone for two days from the house leaving no one but Jessica alone in the house. And in fact, I just asked her about that for which she has no answer. Because there is no answer. Either way. It will be the end for someone. Either myself and Jessica, or Diane and Jessica. We shall have to see. Prosecution Rests.
And now for exhibit B:
The check is gone, thanks to the cell phone company, wheelchair batteries and was supposed to be Tina's insurance policy. However, despite the warning I gave her via email, she ignored it, and as a result, she cashed a check for which there is no money. So it will be bounced, I'll have to pay for it, plus like 25.00 and still no insurance. However, on the up tip, VR paid their first installment on Monday. It's only 750.00, but it's a start to where I need to go. With this, I can pay off Tina, the library, the room deposit, mom and them, and buy the transformer and still be safe to go. We shall see. Defense rests.
Finally Exhibit C:
Peter Dines emailed me about the exact specifications of the power chair, which I have yet to return to him, because I don't know the exact specifications of my own chair. But I will get those as soon as I remember, as well as emailing back the secretary for the list of classes. And then all I do is wait and plan to go meet Peter on next week, plan for the party the week after, and then finally Germany. Finally.
Court Is Adjurned.
23 DAYS LEFT.
The jury presents exhibit A:
I had a very interesting conversation with my mother yesterday in which she devolves to me the real reason behind the Diane madness. First off, let me say after two and half weeks of fervent negotiations, my things have finally been returned but not in all one piece, according to Jessica and my mother. I have yet to actually witness this for myself, but we shall see. According to my mother and she's correct and for this I really do thank God for the insight and knowledge of dodging something yet to come. She told me that when Diane returned to Orlando without me of course, she found out that her safety deposit box had been disposed off minus 900 dollars. Of course, I have no clue of what she's referring to, because she never mentioned a box to me. However she calls my mother in Myrtle Beach and informs her that I must've taken the money because I was the only one who knew where it was. HUH???? WHAT THE FUCK? That's part of the situation is completely insane. I had no clue where this lady kept her stuff, and on top of that I was trying my best to be a polite and courteous host to her when she invited me in because I had plans to live in her house. Why would I want to fuck that up by stealing her money? Like she couldn't tell it was gone! Duh! What a stupid thing for me to do! And that's why I didn't, though I didn't even see the money in the first place for me to have stolen it. And according to my mother, Diane was going to have me arrested on criminal charges for her stuff. So by being here, it kept her from doing that and she had to go through my mother, who vehemently insisted that I didn't do it. However, I just thought of something quite brillant. If Diane keeps checking her safety deposit box before she does something dealing with her money, I'm sure she checked it before we left on the trip, considering that it was a trip out of state and all of that. Obviously, the money wasn't missing then, because she would have went off about it. However, we were gone for two days from the house leaving no one but Jessica alone in the house. And in fact, I just asked her about that for which she has no answer. Because there is no answer. Either way. It will be the end for someone. Either myself and Jessica, or Diane and Jessica. We shall have to see. Prosecution Rests.
And now for exhibit B:
The check is gone, thanks to the cell phone company, wheelchair batteries and was supposed to be Tina's insurance policy. However, despite the warning I gave her via email, she ignored it, and as a result, she cashed a check for which there is no money. So it will be bounced, I'll have to pay for it, plus like 25.00 and still no insurance. However, on the up tip, VR paid their first installment on Monday. It's only 750.00, but it's a start to where I need to go. With this, I can pay off Tina, the library, the room deposit, mom and them, and buy the transformer and still be safe to go. We shall see. Defense rests.
Finally Exhibit C:
Peter Dines emailed me about the exact specifications of the power chair, which I have yet to return to him, because I don't know the exact specifications of my own chair. But I will get those as soon as I remember, as well as emailing back the secretary for the list of classes. And then all I do is wait and plan to go meet Peter on next week, plan for the party the week after, and then finally Germany. Finally.
Court Is Adjurned.
23 DAYS LEFT.
Saturday 4 March 2006
All the King's Horses, & All the King's Men, Could Put This Back Together Again...
This Entry Is Long, But Well Worth It.
Well I'm pleased to say that finally after so long of getting nothing but constant bad news one right after the other, and feeling like shit for the past week, that things are finally getting settled down. Not looking up neccessarily, but at least all the pieces are where they need to be. I can see where everything is, and where it's going and what I need to do to keep it that way. So...here's the new deal.
First off, still no word back from Bobby. No sure what he's going to do in regards to that Xbox, but considering that I probably won't be getting it back (with a high probability of eighty percent), I figure I would just use the money he sends me buy a new one and ship it off, and keep the difference. Pocket myself a cool three hundred bucks. Not the miraculous eight hundred I was hungry for, but money is money. I realize that now. And at this point in the game, I vying for whatever I can get my hands on.
Speaking of Diane, I've come to discover that somehow, in someone's distant mind, she has discovered that out of her security deposit box, (of which I had no clue she kept) a whopping $900.00 dollars has come sweeping out like a bat out of hell. And all signs are pointing towards me at this point. Not really sure if they're pointing anywhere else, cause NO ONE EVER CALLS ME TO LET ME KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON.... but I can get over it. I will say it once and only once. I had absolutely nothing to do with it. At this point, if she's going to blame me, I wish I did have something to do with it, cause at least I would have got away with 900 bucks, and not be fucking scrounching around for what I can find. But anyway, we're not going to dwell on that. Cause it will just make me angrier.
I went to see UltraViolet today at the theatres with Qasim. That movie fucking rocks! Milla J. is da baddest bitch! Move yo ass over Trina. Cause you aint got shit on dis bitch! She was dodging bullets at point blank range in a complete circle against fifteen guys. Without slow motion! Do that, Neo! I don't think so! And to top it off, she took on 700 (count it) goons at the end, and won! How's that for a body count? Neo was having mega trouble with a mere 100 Agent Smiths. Ha. 100. Violet laughs at the very thought of something as pitiful as that. But yeah. It was as fucking awesome as action movies get. Definately one for the collection.
In other news, I found out with much relief and delight that my check is still on the way from the school. Apparently before I switched sides from Char Safley to Ronnie Sampson, Char had the insight to green light my electronic signature for the entire year. Which means, I don't have to worry about getting confirmation for this semester. Which means, they're going to be sending that check, and it gets sent to me. So hopefully I'll be looking at another 2 grand plus before the month is out. That will be my life saving support system. Cause I've still got to get books and groceries. But at least that's one less thing to worry about.
I ordered my wheelchair batteries today, officially draining out the rest of my account, (I just hope my parents have enough sensitivity left not to ask me for rent, with this whole Diane drama playing out) and their going to be here some time next week. It will be nice to be in my electric chair again, riding to the theatre when I damn well please, cause this Qasim shit just aint workin' out. Not that I don't appreciate it, cause Lord knows what I'd do if he didn't take me everywhere. But still I hate to be such a burden on him and his car. It can barely support him as it is. So I'll have a new set of batteries next week. Which leaves only the issue of the electric converter. And now, since that incident with the phone company earlier this week, I officially don't have enough to order the converter, which means I'll have to wait on the check from the school, or ask my parents to borrow a hundred bucks to get it. Which I'll probably do anyway.
Mom's off in Myrtle Beach, and I called Delta Airlines where I got the disturbing news that they were attempting to reassemble my chair when I reach Atlanta airport. My fligth itinerary looks like this: 3:02 pm, I leave RDU and fly to Atlanta reaching it at 5:11 pm. Then approximately at 6:00 sharp, the plane leaves Atlanta to head for Stuttgart Germany where it arrives at 10:00 am the next morning, or April 1st. According to Delta Airlines, I need approximately 60 minutes in between planes in order to switch with ease. But as you can see, (if you can count) I don't have 60 minutes from Atlanta's flight. So I will have to contact them to let them know not to reassemble my chair when I land. Hopefully that will fix itself.
I paid off the last of the phone bill like I said, amid threats of legal action, forcing me to forgo my plans of the converter. Instead, I paid off the school's insurance to Tina this morning, including the front page of the passport document like she asked. Now the only thing left is to obtain the directions on the breakdown of the chair, contact the school in regards to classes, and meet Peter on the 17th of this month. Officially I have done a hell of a lot to get prepared for this experience, but I know it will pay for itself. I know that this trip will be one for the history books. If not for UNCP, at least for me. Something I can always remember. And it's for that reason, I can't wait. Let alone my birthday...hehehe.
Oh yeah, by the way, I talked to Daniel. He seems to understand that I don't neccessarily want to sleep with him again. He seemed rather cordial and understanding about my situation, agreeing to keep it on the low. He offered for me to meet Henri and all and spend some time together, which is want I wanted in the first place. It's funny how I had to give up the ass to do that...lol. Anyway, till next time. Hopefully things will only go up from here. We can hope. I know I do.
27 DAYS LEFT
Well I'm pleased to say that finally after so long of getting nothing but constant bad news one right after the other, and feeling like shit for the past week, that things are finally getting settled down. Not looking up neccessarily, but at least all the pieces are where they need to be. I can see where everything is, and where it's going and what I need to do to keep it that way. So...here's the new deal.
First off, still no word back from Bobby. No sure what he's going to do in regards to that Xbox, but considering that I probably won't be getting it back (with a high probability of eighty percent), I figure I would just use the money he sends me buy a new one and ship it off, and keep the difference. Pocket myself a cool three hundred bucks. Not the miraculous eight hundred I was hungry for, but money is money. I realize that now. And at this point in the game, I vying for whatever I can get my hands on.
Speaking of Diane, I've come to discover that somehow, in someone's distant mind, she has discovered that out of her security deposit box, (of which I had no clue she kept) a whopping $900.00 dollars has come sweeping out like a bat out of hell. And all signs are pointing towards me at this point. Not really sure if they're pointing anywhere else, cause NO ONE EVER CALLS ME TO LET ME KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON.... but I can get over it. I will say it once and only once. I had absolutely nothing to do with it. At this point, if she's going to blame me, I wish I did have something to do with it, cause at least I would have got away with 900 bucks, and not be fucking scrounching around for what I can find. But anyway, we're not going to dwell on that. Cause it will just make me angrier.
I went to see UltraViolet today at the theatres with Qasim. That movie fucking rocks! Milla J. is da baddest bitch! Move yo ass over Trina. Cause you aint got shit on dis bitch! She was dodging bullets at point blank range in a complete circle against fifteen guys. Without slow motion! Do that, Neo! I don't think so! And to top it off, she took on 700 (count it) goons at the end, and won! How's that for a body count? Neo was having mega trouble with a mere 100 Agent Smiths. Ha. 100. Violet laughs at the very thought of something as pitiful as that. But yeah. It was as fucking awesome as action movies get. Definately one for the collection.
In other news, I found out with much relief and delight that my check is still on the way from the school. Apparently before I switched sides from Char Safley to Ronnie Sampson, Char had the insight to green light my electronic signature for the entire year. Which means, I don't have to worry about getting confirmation for this semester. Which means, they're going to be sending that check, and it gets sent to me. So hopefully I'll be looking at another 2 grand plus before the month is out. That will be my life saving support system. Cause I've still got to get books and groceries. But at least that's one less thing to worry about.
I ordered my wheelchair batteries today, officially draining out the rest of my account, (I just hope my parents have enough sensitivity left not to ask me for rent, with this whole Diane drama playing out) and their going to be here some time next week. It will be nice to be in my electric chair again, riding to the theatre when I damn well please, cause this Qasim shit just aint workin' out. Not that I don't appreciate it, cause Lord knows what I'd do if he didn't take me everywhere. But still I hate to be such a burden on him and his car. It can barely support him as it is. So I'll have a new set of batteries next week. Which leaves only the issue of the electric converter. And now, since that incident with the phone company earlier this week, I officially don't have enough to order the converter, which means I'll have to wait on the check from the school, or ask my parents to borrow a hundred bucks to get it. Which I'll probably do anyway.
Mom's off in Myrtle Beach, and I called Delta Airlines where I got the disturbing news that they were attempting to reassemble my chair when I reach Atlanta airport. My fligth itinerary looks like this: 3:02 pm, I leave RDU and fly to Atlanta reaching it at 5:11 pm. Then approximately at 6:00 sharp, the plane leaves Atlanta to head for Stuttgart Germany where it arrives at 10:00 am the next morning, or April 1st. According to Delta Airlines, I need approximately 60 minutes in between planes in order to switch with ease. But as you can see, (if you can count) I don't have 60 minutes from Atlanta's flight. So I will have to contact them to let them know not to reassemble my chair when I land. Hopefully that will fix itself.
I paid off the last of the phone bill like I said, amid threats of legal action, forcing me to forgo my plans of the converter. Instead, I paid off the school's insurance to Tina this morning, including the front page of the passport document like she asked. Now the only thing left is to obtain the directions on the breakdown of the chair, contact the school in regards to classes, and meet Peter on the 17th of this month. Officially I have done a hell of a lot to get prepared for this experience, but I know it will pay for itself. I know that this trip will be one for the history books. If not for UNCP, at least for me. Something I can always remember. And it's for that reason, I can't wait. Let alone my birthday...hehehe.
Oh yeah, by the way, I talked to Daniel. He seems to understand that I don't neccessarily want to sleep with him again. He seemed rather cordial and understanding about my situation, agreeing to keep it on the low. He offered for me to meet Henri and all and spend some time together, which is want I wanted in the first place. It's funny how I had to give up the ass to do that...lol. Anyway, till next time. Hopefully things will only go up from here. We can hope. I know I do.
27 DAYS LEFT
Wednesday 1 March 2006
....And Here Is the Reality That Comes to Bitch-Slap You in the Head....
I just randomly went online to check my email, and here's an update on some of the things happening. First, just when it looked like good old Bobby was gonna be able to solve my many monetary issues with the whole Xbox issue, he disappeared off the face of the map, so I wasn't sure if he was gonna be able to help me. Turns out Diane has decided to hold my stuff hostage because she feels like I haven't paid her enough money as of yet to satisfy her, to which my mother feels like she's being betrayed into having to pay her more, even though she already gave her quite a bit. So my mother is now very upset with me and with Diane, (who promised to send it like a week and a half ago) but I hope that she manages to pay off Diane so I can get my stuff back. I haven't heard any word from Brett, who's supposed to be helping me on the side with any monetary functions that he can come up with. And in truth, I'm not looking for him to. I mean, I know that he has obligations and all since he's moving to Canada with his girlfriend Amanda and all that, but I told him that if he's going to do it, then he's doing it strictly of his own free will. Now as far as Daniel goes...I'm not so sure I want to even continue to know him. I know that he has it in his mind that he's going to be able to call me and whatnot, and that I'm just going to go over there from time to time let him do what he wants, and then leave, but I only used that one time as a training ground, not as the foundation to some kind of threesome relationship between him, Henri and myself. Although his cat Aimie is simply adorable. But he sent pictures today, I think, which I don't even want to look at now, cause they'll make me sick to my stomach. I think I'm going to delete them. And if he did what he said, then no one will ever know. Besides the three of us. Oh yes....and it seems that evil has come back to haunt me today, in the form of LDG financial services. Miss Amber called this morning, and this is the insurance company that's been hounding me for the last year and a half trying to get me to pay off the damn Alltel bill from two summers ago. It's not that I didn't want to pay off the bill, it's that I was trying to figure out a way to get Alltel to take the credit off of my account so I could get the money back for it. But it doesn't look like that's going to happen, and so in the end, she ended up threatening me with the fact that if I don't pay off this last check, they were going to take it to court, which would result in a misademeanor charge on my criminal background for a bad check. And the worst part about this is, I don't even have enough money to begin with, and here they come trying to get more. So I just gave in and paid the rest of the account off, but the bad part to this says that between that one check and Tina's insurance money, I won't have enough money to make rent this month....I'll be a few dollars short. Hopefully, my dad can see past that or something, but it doesn't leave me anything to get any of the things I needed to (ie, batteries, transformer) so I don't know what the fuck to do. I'm supposed to leave in approximately thirty days now, and I don't know how the hell it's gonna happen, unless I just borrow the money from my parents for now and have them take their share back out out of my check for April. That's about the only solution that I can come up with in the immediate future. I don't know. And to make matters worse, I open my email today and once again Keen Horoscopes hits it directly on the head with this one:
Wednesday, March 1, 2006
aries horoscope
Your Wednesday Horoscope D'Arcee!
A journey with someone quite experienced will show you a side of life that is something you were not aware of. The shock will wear off and things that start off looking fantastic will soon appear quite dull.
My God, I swear. Sometimes, these people don't know just how right they are. I know that horoscopes are meant to be broad and open, so to give the appearance that they know more than they say they do, but this is just a bit too specific for me to be just so general. Uuuggghhhhh.....I don't know....I need to talk to someone.....I don't know. I really don't.
30 DAYS LEFT.
Wednesday, March 1, 2006
aries horoscope
Your Wednesday Horoscope D'Arcee!
A journey with someone quite experienced will show you a side of life that is something you were not aware of. The shock will wear off and things that start off looking fantastic will soon appear quite dull.
My God, I swear. Sometimes, these people don't know just how right they are. I know that horoscopes are meant to be broad and open, so to give the appearance that they know more than they say they do, but this is just a bit too specific for me to be just so general. Uuuggghhhhh.....I don't know....I need to talk to someone.....I don't know. I really don't.
30 DAYS LEFT.
Ohhhh....So This Is What It Feels Like. I'm Not Sure I Like It....
well I did it. I went to Daniel's house and he proceeded to fuck the shit out of me. He fucked me for like three hours straight, and in truth, it didn't hurt as much as I thought, but it was definately a weird feeling. I suppose as you do it more you get used to it, but I didn't neccessarily like the fact that he had me doing everything to him. Kissing, sucking his cock and the whole nine. He even footjobbed me, which isn't as much fun as I thought. I appears that the soles of his feet are really very rough. But either way, it was alright. Though I feel like he was trying to rush me out of the house afterwards to so I wouldn't have to meet his partner, Henri. Either way, that's it I did. I lost my virginity on today February 28th, 2006. And in truth, I'm not sure it was a good thing. But either way. What's done is done. No regrets. However, I don't know why he had to take pictures of the whole thing. That wasn't neccessary. But I'm still wary about the whole thing. And all I want to do is go take an STD test. I've got to. For myself.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
