The Triple-Threat Trio!!!

Okay so before I decided to make this a semi-serious blog, I had a random thought about the current state of my favorite actress in the whole world: Miss Angelina Jolie. Her children are going to be fucking awesome. Every last one of them. They're gonna like save the world or something. I mean they're like the answer to the world's problems. Because like when Zahara or Shiloh is like four years old, and Maddox is with them, when the teacher asks them what they want to be, they're gonna answer: "I'm going to be a political activist and fight poverty and cancer around the world. Feed every starving child on the planet and clean the rivers too." They're gonna be like the world's greatest superheroes. The Triple-Threat Trio!! They've got brains, beauty and killer genetics! But yeah it just makes me mad that they can be their kids and they won't adopt me!

Anyway, I hung out with a few members of the "family" tonight after an orchestra concert that was surprsingly good, though one of the violinists needs to get their ass kicked! But otherwise it was really good. I liked the second song they did to commorrate the student that died in the car crash. It made me think of Travis for a little while. God I miss him. I wish he would just come back. It saddens me even more to think that the memories I have of him will inevitably fade over time, and I don't want them to. I wanna hold on to the memory of his raspy voice and that flaming orange hair with those red freckles as long as I can. But...*sigh* yeah. It's cool how the family on this campus seems to have bonded together more tightly than I've ever seen any other kind of community do it in the past. Maybe all of that club shit is too rigid. Maybe we just need some kind of informal communtiy where people can do and say what they please without the fear of reprimand. But I really enjoy hanging out with my "sistahs." Sometimes I feel as though they neglect me, though I know that they're just busy. But it's hard to understand half the stuff that goes on because I don't really know the world that they come from and what goes on in it, but I try to catch up and understand most of what happens. And it hurts that I can't join in on all the festivities that go on as much as I'd like. I can only side-track and sideline. At least for now. I'm working to change that.

So I've discovered that (shock and amaze) they have a physical therapy center right down the street from the school and what's more they accept Medicaid and treat patients with CP! What more could one ask for? Now if my brother would stop bullshitting and get on the ball, I could start making progress toward my ultimate goal of walking across the damn stage to get that diploma in December. But the more I thought about it, I was thinking that I deserve it. I deserve a full life and I want one that I can fully enjoy to the fullest. I wanna go the club and J-Set and flirt with guys without them seeing the chair and losing interest. I wanna go and dance on the floor and break and pop it, and do all of that. Then I want to take them back to my apartment and make love slowly all night long with no thoughts of limitations and what we can and can't do. I have all of these visions in my mind. I want to wear clothes that fit and look right on me because I stand up in the mirror and wear them like they were designed. I don't want to have to wrap my fur coat around me to keep it from getting tore up. I don't want the sleeves of my shirt to end up really dirty every time I get in my chair. There's just so much that I want to and I owe it to myself to at least try to do it. I've done so much already and once you've seen a show like "Six Feet Under" of which I've finished the 1st season, you can't help but want to live your life a little better. So we shall have to see. I've still gotta plan the 3 parties I'm having for my birthday "week" so I have yet to know where all of this is going.

The Flash of the Razor Blade.

Okay so like yesterday at like 3:00 in the morning the realization hit me square in the face, when I went to my answering machine and lo and behold who leaves a message? Michael of all people. Yes, Mike from the email, Mike. I was actually quite shocked and he sounds so cute over the phone! Dammit I wish I would've heard the phone ringing...I'm gonna have to stick around more often so I can catch those. However last night I saw a flash of the razor. Last night I came to the realization that I'm almost finished. I'm almost done with school. This time next year, I'll be god-knows-where doing god-knows-what with the rest of my life with no one to account for besides myself. No more waking up at ungodly hours to attend some class that has little meaning on my current lifestyle. No more eating out at places that have no particular bearing on me and what I like. And finally I'll be able to go out on my own terms and meet people, greet them and bring them back to fuck or whatever I please with them, with little or no interference in the process. I've been looking back over my time here at UNC-Pembroke, and though I've still got a little left to accomplish, it doesn't seem nearly as open-ended as I had originally thought. The sad part is, I can still remember the first day I was in college, granted because some crazy ass shit was going down that night, but I can still remember the feeling that I felt, the excitement and the long sadness in my mind that I was leaving behind something casual in exchange for something new. Even now I can remember my high school and what it looked like, but slowly the walls are fading from my mind, the colors, (what were the school colors?) are draining from my psyche, and I have to realize that many of these people I'll never see again, never talk to. Quite frankly, I got up and went to class today with the revelation that these people still have a long way to go before they leave, and I'm getting out. I'm leaving behind (once again) many of the people I knew that I came here with, and in return of me leaving the school behind, I get to jumpstart the rest of my life.

But with that presents a whole new set of problems that I'm not sure I'm ready to deal with. I thought about it yesterday and I have to think of quite a few things before I get out of here in December. I've got to set up some kind system where I can fly away and move to a new city into a new apartment (since that's where I'm thinking of going first before all that other stuff), where I'm gonna have to look for a roommate to help out the first year or so, (since I can cut my costs down that way) I've got to find an appropriate city in which to move to, and if at the same time, I can set up a job in the city, that'd be great. Hmmm.....

When I Open My Mouth, What Comes Out?

Okay so it's been a "hawt" minute since I've wrote a blog on here but I've been saving my emotions for quite awhile because I haven't felt the need to blog in a little while. Well now it's got to the point where I can't stand it anymore so I'm gonna do something about it. So the thing is this...since the last blog I've been roaming around and I've made quite a few decisions, some good some bad, and either way I'm still here. So here we go.

First off, we had SpringBreak and against my better judgement I decided to go with Efrain and Frankie both down to Myrtle Beach to spend some time there because it's been years since I've seen the beach or anything, and I wanted to experience the beautifulness all over again. Well I went, and it was fun but it was the beginning of I think was a strain for my relationship with the two of them, which brings me to the main point of this blog.

Over SpringBreak I was hanging out with them and it was fun and all, but it made me realize two things about the both of them. One of them is unbelievably cheap and refuses to come up off a little change for everyone's enjoyment leaving the rest of us to scrap up the will (and money) to enjoy the day, secondly the other needs to (and now that I think about it both do) need to learn some self-respect about the appropriate personal boundaries of the human spirit and what can and cannot be endured. What do I mean? Well while I was there, I had previously set up some meetings to meet some guys and hang out, I managed to get in touch with one of them while I was around and we arranged to meet up at the hotel later that night. The problem came in since I didn't have my cell phone, I was using Frankie's and since I told Jay to call me there Frankie responds with: "Hey dont' be calling my phone on the regular, you faggot!" Which of course pissed me the hell off, and I chewed them out for a hot minute because of it. Afterwards we came back to the room and Frankie proceeds (wearing nothing but a thong-ish thing) to "rape" me in the room to the amusement of everyone else in the area, while I'm trying to move away complementing "you know you want it..." which of course, I didn't.

When I become friends with someone I expect it's for more than my taste in fashion, clothes and good food. I thought it was about substance and reality, and the aspect that I'm a loyal person, and I don't just flit around to whomever's avalible. However it's coming to my attention that for some reason to some people whenever I open my mouth all they hear is that I wanna suck dick or something, which is a topic I tend to avoid when I'm around them not because I'm ashamed but rather over the concept that I have a certain amount of respect for them, and I'd rather not hear their mouths. Still...it is incredibly disheartening to have to hear that over and over when I get bashed for it emotionally a lot, and when I come to other people to discuss other things, I don't want to have to get bashed over that too. Feel me? I swear, it makes me so angry some times. But I get that's the reason why we forgive and forget. But I'm not gonna change so will I be apologizing forever?

In other news, I decided to drop Dr. Vela's class the other day for a few reasons. Right now I'm at 94 credits and since after 120 credits they start charging the hell out of you, I want to make that bill come less sooner than it will, and even after dropping two classes I'm still at 16 hours (isn't that crazy?). So add 16 to 94 and you've got 110. I just the crude version of a schedule from here to graduation and I'm approximately....8 classes away from leaving this school forever and having a Bachelor of Arts in English Literature with a minor in Creative Writing and another minor in Musical Theatre. And after looking at my temporary schedule it looks kinda lax actually. Only one class in the summer "Literature and Film" and two in summer two and five in the Fall...and I'm done, and that's not counting Maymester if I choose to try it. It's exciting. I'm so close to graduating it makes me shiver inside thinking about it. But I've got a few reports to do now, so I'm gonna go. More on this some time.