..Okay so this has been an interesting couple of weeks. Been dealing with Peter, not sure what I'm going to do about that at the moment. Something is telling me to break it off because quite honestly it's laughable about the fact that he thinks that he's really dating me when we haven't even met and he's some three hours away and whatnot. It's ridiculous. So I might just end that just because.
Anyway. I've just finished a can of British Oxtail soup and that was an interesting experience. I've been wondering what it tastes like since I picked it up a few months back and I just waited to see when I felt like eating it. I ate some grilled ham and cheese sandwiches for lunch, so I figured it'd be a good fit. Not sure if I like it. It was kind of bland actually and bitter. If a cigar had a soup flavor I imagine it'd be something kind of close to that. So yeah. Probably won't be trying that again.
I went to my audition read through yesterday. Apparently a few weeks back I went to the Shakespeare audition and totally rocked it, so as a result I got the title roles in The Tempest and Orthello, which is awesome. I'm gonna choke the shit outta that bitch. LOL. Just kidding!!! So yeah I'm off to that in a second.
In a bad note, I've been trying to file taxes back home but can't because...someone has already filed under my number??? So now I'm being put through the hoops for ID Theft. Ugh. Gosh I just wish someone would find out what's happening so I can move on with my business.
Okay then. Leaving for Shakespeare.
Saturday 27 March 2010
Saturday 13 March 2010
Whoosh!!!
That's how this week went by. Wow so much has happened. Where to start.
First, I've seen to have stumbled to across a possible to answer to my PhD prayers. I meet Peter Jaegar in the flesh this week (he's much more normal than Jeff Hilson, thank god) because he was teaching our poetry class this week on conceptual poetics and that was interesting. But anyway, while talking to him, he told me about the Sacred Heart Scholarship which apparently gives one full ride arts international student a free pass to attend school year, determined on academic merit and financial need. I'm not sure that I qualify as far as academia is concerned, but the financial part? Absolutely. 100,000 is quite a large sum to come up on my own. If I did get it, I'd only have to ask for 30,000 for 3 years as opposed to 100,000 which would be great. So that's part one, I'll have to get on that in late April.
Secondly, I finally finished my MA thesis proposal for my full length script, "Skin Deep." Yay. Hopefully I'll be able to do everything I said I would satisfactorily because I don't want to end up in another Leone-esque situation. I mean technically, I don't give a damn so long as everything is passed and I get through with my degree. But it would be nice. It'd be funny to me if I ended up with a higher score in screenwriting than fiction. But then again, my story matter this time around is drastically different than what it was for Leone. So we'll see.
Thirdly, I decided to be proactive and decided to apply for the MIUSA job that I saw in my email at the end of last month. It's for the position of NCDE of project manager, and this job has some huge implications. If I do get it, it would be my first major job outside of internships would be great. The first step in a long line of them, I suppose. But there's some major things alongside of that. I mean, at this point, I guess it's not that big a deal. First off, I'd have to leave my dream of this PhD (and possibly Peter which he's very obsessed with) which would mean I'd have to just stop this whole education thing and focus on a career, which would be fine I guess, but dammit I was looking forward to the name Dr. D'Arcee Charington. That doesn't mean that it's over of course, but it's a thought. I'd also have to move to Oregon in order to do that job, which would be fine I suppose, it'd just be different. Another new city, another life, another adventure. On the upside, Christina, Alison and Haben are all there and Zana wouldn't be too far away either, so that'd definitely help. I'd be back in the States and doing something that I'd really enjoy which is awesome. I shall be anxiously awaiting that email for an interview.
Fourth, George decided to make another non-appearance Monday night and at this point, I'm totally over it. If he hasn't gotten the point that I'm upset with him, than he's just stupid. It's one thing to blow me off the first time, but it's quite another when you KNOW what you did wrong the last time and then to do it again?! Unfathomable. So yeah I guess I won't be knowing carnal bliss with that man. He can kiss my ass for all I care. That so pisses me off. And while I'm at it, I might as well throw in Stefan to the mix, as he too decided not to make an appearance this week, and then was apologizing to try and cover it up. Might I also add, he messaged me today telling me he was around and was trying to make it sound like my fault because I didn't answer his message. A: I was sleep B: We didn't set it up. It's completely different if you decide to drop in on someone unannounced, because you take the risk of them not being around. It's not that I don't think about what these guys do when they ask to see someone, but if you're going to ask to do something make a damned EFFORT!!! I hate that I waste time and then there's nothing to show for it. It makes you feel so stupid. But you know what? that's perfectly alright because why I was fuming at Stefan the next point showed up...
And last, but definitely not least and arguably the best in the list is Peter Lemanski. He hit me up on GayRomeo randomly while I was just checking messages and we started talking. I like him. A lot, I might've as well go and say it. He's 23, and into dance and techno, many of my sexual likes, and video games. Yay!! It's like the perfect package rolled into one. Do I care that he's Polish? Absolutely not. Only two things keep this from being the best thing in the universe. A: His work schedule is terrible, as he only gets days off in between, which is really odd. But it's okay. He was telling me that he has the week of my birthday off which is FABULOUS, because he said he'd spend it with me (which makes me feel like Sean Harry now with his Italian lover) that would be the best present in the world...outside of the Sex and the City boxset and Final Fantasy XIII...lol. And B: He seems to be drastically concerned with me leaving in the future, which I suppose is a very real concern but I mean I'm at the moment thinking that can I just live in the moment???? Please???? I don't want him to blow my super high, because it feels great and I absolutely, absolutely cannot can NOT wait till Tuesday.
First, I've seen to have stumbled to across a possible to answer to my PhD prayers. I meet Peter Jaegar in the flesh this week (he's much more normal than Jeff Hilson, thank god) because he was teaching our poetry class this week on conceptual poetics and that was interesting. But anyway, while talking to him, he told me about the Sacred Heart Scholarship which apparently gives one full ride arts international student a free pass to attend school year, determined on academic merit and financial need. I'm not sure that I qualify as far as academia is concerned, but the financial part? Absolutely. 100,000 is quite a large sum to come up on my own. If I did get it, I'd only have to ask for 30,000 for 3 years as opposed to 100,000 which would be great. So that's part one, I'll have to get on that in late April.
Secondly, I finally finished my MA thesis proposal for my full length script, "Skin Deep." Yay. Hopefully I'll be able to do everything I said I would satisfactorily because I don't want to end up in another Leone-esque situation. I mean technically, I don't give a damn so long as everything is passed and I get through with my degree. But it would be nice. It'd be funny to me if I ended up with a higher score in screenwriting than fiction. But then again, my story matter this time around is drastically different than what it was for Leone. So we'll see.
Thirdly, I decided to be proactive and decided to apply for the MIUSA job that I saw in my email at the end of last month. It's for the position of NCDE of project manager, and this job has some huge implications. If I do get it, it would be my first major job outside of internships would be great. The first step in a long line of them, I suppose. But there's some major things alongside of that. I mean, at this point, I guess it's not that big a deal. First off, I'd have to leave my dream of this PhD (and possibly Peter which he's very obsessed with) which would mean I'd have to just stop this whole education thing and focus on a career, which would be fine I guess, but dammit I was looking forward to the name Dr. D'Arcee Charington. That doesn't mean that it's over of course, but it's a thought. I'd also have to move to Oregon in order to do that job, which would be fine I suppose, it'd just be different. Another new city, another life, another adventure. On the upside, Christina, Alison and Haben are all there and Zana wouldn't be too far away either, so that'd definitely help. I'd be back in the States and doing something that I'd really enjoy which is awesome. I shall be anxiously awaiting that email for an interview.
Fourth, George decided to make another non-appearance Monday night and at this point, I'm totally over it. If he hasn't gotten the point that I'm upset with him, than he's just stupid. It's one thing to blow me off the first time, but it's quite another when you KNOW what you did wrong the last time and then to do it again?! Unfathomable. So yeah I guess I won't be knowing carnal bliss with that man. He can kiss my ass for all I care. That so pisses me off. And while I'm at it, I might as well throw in Stefan to the mix, as he too decided not to make an appearance this week, and then was apologizing to try and cover it up. Might I also add, he messaged me today telling me he was around and was trying to make it sound like my fault because I didn't answer his message. A: I was sleep B: We didn't set it up. It's completely different if you decide to drop in on someone unannounced, because you take the risk of them not being around. It's not that I don't think about what these guys do when they ask to see someone, but if you're going to ask to do something make a damned EFFORT!!! I hate that I waste time and then there's nothing to show for it. It makes you feel so stupid. But you know what? that's perfectly alright because why I was fuming at Stefan the next point showed up...
And last, but definitely not least and arguably the best in the list is Peter Lemanski. He hit me up on GayRomeo randomly while I was just checking messages and we started talking. I like him. A lot, I might've as well go and say it. He's 23, and into dance and techno, many of my sexual likes, and video games. Yay!! It's like the perfect package rolled into one. Do I care that he's Polish? Absolutely not. Only two things keep this from being the best thing in the universe. A: His work schedule is terrible, as he only gets days off in between, which is really odd. But it's okay. He was telling me that he has the week of my birthday off which is FABULOUS, because he said he'd spend it with me (which makes me feel like Sean Harry now with his Italian lover) that would be the best present in the world...outside of the Sex and the City boxset and Final Fantasy XIII...lol. And B: He seems to be drastically concerned with me leaving in the future, which I suppose is a very real concern but I mean I'm at the moment thinking that can I just live in the moment???? Please???? I don't want him to blow my super high, because it feels great and I absolutely, absolutely cannot can NOT wait till Tuesday.
Wednesday 10 March 2010
It's Time to Get Me Some Sex in the City
It's a rather apt title, considering the show. But after devouring a few episodes tonight, I'm thinking I need to start taking the show's advice. Okay I'll admit. Britain hasn't been the best bag of tricks. The place hasn't been the all-inspiring, super mega fabulousness that I wanted it to be, and yes I still prefer Germany over this, even when I was begging to be here while I was there. However, I think that sitting here wishing for things to be different than they are isn't going to help me get anymore out of what I want from it. So...with that in mind, I think I'm going to start my own little Carrie-esque escapades from the first week of April onward.
Considering that they may very well be my last few months in the center of the universe that is London England, I figure I need to get more out of it than what I've done so far, and much of that, has little to nothing to do with some man being there. So what does that mean? That means that starting the first week (or whenever this last check comes through) I'm pledging (oh God I thought I'd never use that word again) to head to one club every weekend and to come back on the night route. I'm going to learn the night buses and how to get around without that god awful Underground to deal with, and I'm going to go and meet guys and have fun, with no expectations, no thoughts of where it might lead and no mindset of anything happening at anytime.
I think life is too short to sit around in a room and ponder about the abilities and the hows and whys I can't get somewhere, and to be fair, I did meet Chris that way and he was wonderful and marvelous and I'm grateful I did (speaking of which I REALLY need to email him) and I need to meet another Chris here. I guess I kinda already have one in Rafal, but he doesn't give me what I need all the time, and it's nice to know that there is that option without it having to be tied to my internet. So that means when my money comes in there's a few things I'm going to do.
A:I'm going shopping at Primark and I'm gonna buy up a bunch of new stuff from the girls' section and play around with Jen and find some new stuff to wear for the weather.
B: I'm going to buy my plane ticket to head home in August so I know I have an exit plan if nothing goes like it should here.
C: I'm going to book at least 4 trips over the summer to four different destinations so I have a summer of traveling in Europe to look forward to.
D: I'm going to get my hair done professionally and get styling tips so I know how to keep my fresh going if I do decide to leave.
E: I'm going to keep looking for a position and something that I know I can do when this is done, because planning is one thing I do best.
F: I'm going to meet guys and have fun and stop expecting so much. I just need to do that.
And that's just going to be that really. It's something that I have to make my mind to do and I need whole days to do it because hours isn't something that's going to let me do what my heart is telling me I need. I want to go all the way to Covent Garden and explore the innerds of SoHo and figure out where all the clubs are and argue with the managers who won't let me in and the whole nine. I deserve it. I deserve that and more. And that's just it. I'm gonna go get me some Sex in the City.
Considering that they may very well be my last few months in the center of the universe that is London England, I figure I need to get more out of it than what I've done so far, and much of that, has little to nothing to do with some man being there. So what does that mean? That means that starting the first week (or whenever this last check comes through) I'm pledging (oh God I thought I'd never use that word again) to head to one club every weekend and to come back on the night route. I'm going to learn the night buses and how to get around without that god awful Underground to deal with, and I'm going to go and meet guys and have fun, with no expectations, no thoughts of where it might lead and no mindset of anything happening at anytime.
I think life is too short to sit around in a room and ponder about the abilities and the hows and whys I can't get somewhere, and to be fair, I did meet Chris that way and he was wonderful and marvelous and I'm grateful I did (speaking of which I REALLY need to email him) and I need to meet another Chris here. I guess I kinda already have one in Rafal, but he doesn't give me what I need all the time, and it's nice to know that there is that option without it having to be tied to my internet. So that means when my money comes in there's a few things I'm going to do.
A:I'm going shopping at Primark and I'm gonna buy up a bunch of new stuff from the girls' section and play around with Jen and find some new stuff to wear for the weather.
B: I'm going to buy my plane ticket to head home in August so I know I have an exit plan if nothing goes like it should here.
C: I'm going to book at least 4 trips over the summer to four different destinations so I have a summer of traveling in Europe to look forward to.
D: I'm going to get my hair done professionally and get styling tips so I know how to keep my fresh going if I do decide to leave.
E: I'm going to keep looking for a position and something that I know I can do when this is done, because planning is one thing I do best.
F: I'm going to meet guys and have fun and stop expecting so much. I just need to do that.
And that's just going to be that really. It's something that I have to make my mind to do and I need whole days to do it because hours isn't something that's going to let me do what my heart is telling me I need. I want to go all the way to Covent Garden and explore the innerds of SoHo and figure out where all the clubs are and argue with the managers who won't let me in and the whole nine. I deserve it. I deserve that and more. And that's just it. I'm gonna go get me some Sex in the City.
Saturday 6 March 2010
The S Word.
I don't even know how to phrase this really. I really don't like being melodramatic because whenever I see it, it just makes me roll my eyes, but I really can't think of any other way to put this. I have to admit I've been thinking about the concept of suicide quite a lot lately. Like everyday. Not really wanting to do it, because there's too much I enjoy doing to do something like that, but life in general is just really getting on my nerves. It feels like I'm literally spinning in place not going anywhere. Yes I'm in a new place but I can't even get out to see it. I don't have the money to go out and enjoy any of it, and I can't even convince half these people around here to take the time to go with me. This place is not conducive for positive thinking. Not at all. I need to be in a place like Germany where the people there aren't so judgmental, so harsh where I know that people aren't looking at me like some exhibit, if they choose to look at all. I just see all of this and it seems so unfair. I can't even go out and hang out at the clubs to try and meet people because I can't get into any of these places. And I'd be quite pissed to get there and still have to pay all this money to get in and its humiliating and frustrating and just wrong. It's like you try to ignore the concept of seeing people online because it makes you feel like shit when you check your messages 20 and 30 times a day because you have nothing better to do, and yet it still says 0. So you force yourself into situations you have no interest in, in places you shouldn't even be for something that lasts for an afternoon and afterward you feel like a fool the entire time. There's something very...cleansing about the fact of suicide. The fact that you could in fact just end it. Just stop all this worrying. All the loathing and hatred and the judgment and the comments and pestering and mentality in your head that says you're shit and that you're wasting away the best time of your life waiting for something that you don't even believe in. So I try to fight against that, and go and do things and be pro-active, be better in the hopes that it will get me noticed and I can get a better place in my life, but quite honestly at this moment I couldn't care if I was dirt broke without a high school diploma living on the very edge of poverty. If I had someone that I really loved with me, to wrap his arms around me every night and tell me its okay that'd be enough for me to keep living on if for nothing else beyond that. Is it so wrong to want? People tell me to go and live life and do things and be youthful but I feel like I'm looking at the world devoid of colour in complete black and white. It's hard to go and enjoy yourself when you are constantly reminded that in everything you do you are completely alone. I hate it. I hate every moment of it. It makes me sick to my stomach that I have to do everything differently. It makes me want to shut myself away in my room and lock the door and stop eating until I waste away from hunger and weakness. It's just frustrating to try and fight against what seems so inevitable and so ridiculous that you're wasting time. It all just seems so futile. And I'm tired. I am.
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