In a Bit of Downtime...

So alright I'm here in the office and today started out kinda hectic as such as it's Thursday, and you know what that means???

Duh duh dah dunnnnnn!!! BROUGHTON!!

Yeah. That's my personal favorite. (not.) And so we packed out and headed over there a few minutes late as Shahin, the Rehabilitation student was here and went to the high school. Not bothering to check in I headed straight for the classroom to discover (as not in unusual fashion with Broughton) that today wasn't even a combined day as they told me, or maybe it was, but it surely didn't look like it. We were talking like 10 students today. Usually? It's 40. Apparently Broughton was wayyyy off its A game. But that wasn't surprising.

After going through my usual spiel of previous classes, when we got ready to break off into groups, two of the girls decided they didn't want to go with the program and just sat there. I tried to get them to move for about two seconds and decided it wasn't worth the effort moving about my business. The funny thing about this being we had talked about this as a class last week for awhile and I tried to get them to understand the fact that as a part of OCS they were labelled and that the school was just waiting for them to act out. They didn't quite seem to understand it but that's alright. Maybe one day. Again, I have to go. Later.

Huh....well THAT was interesting.

So I'm sitting here in a combination Huddle House/Greyhound bus station (though station implies that there's actually a place to do anything, whereas this is just a hallway that's attached to the Huddle House, so....yeah) and I just came back from making this uber spontaneous decision to come down and visit this guy Bobby that I've been talking to for the last few days, because I wanted something to do. Let's go through what he said, and what the reality actually is:

He said:

*He works in the hospital as medical administration.

The truth:

*He does work there, but part time he works at Taco Bell and he said it was for more income so he could turn around and do things that he wanted to do. That might be the case, but hmmm given this area...I don't know.

He said:

*He lived in Goldsboro and that I could come down and visit.

The truth:

*He does live here yes. However what he neglected to mention is that he lives with his sister and her boyfriend (and sometimes her son) in a 3 bedroom trailer and that there was barely any room for me to be around there, let alone trying to do something.

Gotta go for the bus. Update later.

A Giantly Stuft Update

Okay then bloggy. Its been a minute since I was truly able to come back and deal with you like I should, but then again I have my moments when I try and deal everyday with this, and then I forget or lack the energy to really come and document like I should. The important thing is that I continue to come back and say what matters so I will.

With that, lets see. Whats happened since August 2nd? hmmm....well for one thing, Im longer in London (oh and by the way if I dont have any apostrophes in this blog its because Im using the new netbook I got from ebay and the key is way far away.) Anyway, yes I left London on August 4th and returned back to the land I understand. At least a little more than I do the UK, but Im not going to lie. I do kinda miss London but I miss individual parts of London most. I miss Trafalgar Square and the amazing art museum there, and I miss all the hot guys walking around every five seconds. Most of all I miss my friend Chimba. She was so cool and so nice, so Ill have to see what I can do about getting her over here as fast I can cause I need more Chim in my life.

Anyway got back after a terrible flight home (I think I had some kind of throat infection that was killing me on the plane; Literally I had to chew four and five aspirin over an eight hour flight just to swallow) but got home and headed over to Matts, which is technically where Ive been staying since I got here. I had made plans to head to DC and I bought my train tickets and everything, even went as far to get Mom and them to buy my Praxis ticket and a test book and I was studying for the test and everything preparing to come up and do what I needed to do for this interview, and that was until....Michael.

So Im hanging out with Shon and we head over to the $1.50 theatre to check out a bunch of movies I never got to see, and we saw the new Karate Kid, which was really good (Jayden got his ass BEAT but then he came back hard.) And were getting ready to leave when Shon sees Moms car in the parking lot, so we head back inside and find them in "Letters to Juliet." So we watched it and afterward, were out in the parking lot talking as usual, and this guy comes up with a really nice Scion SUV with a disabled license plate on the back and Dad tells me to head over and talk to him about schools that might be disabled accessible.

Well this person was Michael. And that was the start of something truly truly epic. Im talking and he gives me a card and tells me to call in and talk to his co worker Sierra about some information they can work out. And so the next day I do that, and were talking and I tell her a little about myself and what Ive been doing and she tells me that shell help. Then she calls back and tells me that she knows that a woman down the hall is looking for an assistant and that she put my name out there and to send a resume to her. So I did.

I get called for an interview the following week and I go in to meet Cynthia at the Statewide Independent Living Center, and were talking and she tells me that not only am I perfect for the job, she wants to hire me over the other 144 applicants she has. So after a long deliberation and trying to figure out what would happen if I didnt go to DC, I accepted her proposal and started to plan out when I could start. But then it changes again.

The SAME WEEK I get another phone call from this lady Rene, who is in charge of the Independent Living Center in Raleigh and also is the Executive Director of Alliance of Disability Advocates, and she wants to meet with me to talk about work as well. Now Im thinking this is the other half of the part time work that Cynthia is supplying me with as her job is only 20 hours. But going in, Im talking with Rene on that Friday, and she tells me that she took my resume from Cynthia and that she wants to hire me full time as a Disability Youth Advocate. SCORE! So needless to say, I took her offer, and as of this past Wednesday the 7th, I became an official employee with a full time job in a nonprofit disability agency.


Work is...actually pretty cool. There is so much going on and this office is like at the beginning of its life, which is cool because it means theyre going to be doing things for a few years. And lets see Ive been there technically four days and Ive already started working on the website, and Ive created a few logos for the YLF (Youth Leadership Forum) and for NCSILC (Cynthia). So yeah thats cool. Tomorrow is going to be hella long. I have a full day of work to do in conjunction with a YLF meeting in the evening from 6-9, so the good news at least is that Ill have three hours of flex time this week to use when I want, so I can leave at 2 if I choose on Friday.

On a quick note, Im still doing the apartment searching thing (its funny how I got a job faster than a house) and its become interesting because my credit is just as fucked as I assumed it would be, and thats making it harder. The good news is that over time, with the amount of money Im making (which is pretty much the same as I was in DC, slightly less but here its worth a lot), I can pay off pretty much all of that stuff in a year. So this time next year, I plan to have a totally clean record which would be great.

We were looking at this place over in North Raleigh called Ashton Pines but everyone was warning us off of it because gang activity and whatnot but the way I see it, it couldnt be worse than Temple Hills. Then again, I told myself I didnt want to live in a place like that anymore.





Then we went and got into this place Westgrove Towers behind the Blue Ridg''''''e theatre. After getting in, I get a call last week from the manager that we were not approved because of: you guessed it, my fucking credit. Well this is after weve already gone through the headache of getting Shon off the lease in this place, and weve told Matt and Big Jon that were leaving in two weeks without actually having a place to live...so yeah.

But then just yesterday were heading back from being out all morning visiting apartment complexes, and the last place we go to turns out to be one of the best. Im really REALLY hoping that we can get in here because its gorgeous. Hardwood floors, floor to ceiling windows a huge Master bedroom with a half bathroom, poolhouse and all that, I want this place, and Im thinking that we might be able to pull this off. God I hope so.

A Crazy Spiral Up/Down the Back Passage.

Oh let's see. There's a lot to cover but I would like to take this moment to simply say this is--in case the layout and commentary noted therein demonstrated enough--a blog. Let's see the definition of it shall we?

- A blog (short for weblog) is a personal online journal that is frequently updated and intended for general public consumption. Blogs are defined by their format: a series of entries posted to a single page in reverse-chronological order.Blogs generally represent the personality of the author or reflect the purpose of the Web site that hosts the blog. Topics sometimes include brief philosophical musings, commentary on Internet and other social issues, and links to other sites the author favors, especially those that support a point being made on a post.

And I am a particular fan of that first sentence. If could have a public disclaimer attached it would also read something along the lines of: "the thoughts/rants/comments contained thereof are not neccessarily the properties of...etc...blah blah blah" but you get the point.

There are many MANY things I could say about this, but out of sheer respect and admiration for the way I met and interacted with a fellow author, I will stop.

Now then. With THAT out of the way.

This is the last day. The last and final day of this craziness. I will be glad to be out of this nonsense as soon as that plane can take me in a certain direction. In the last few weeks I have finally finished Skin Deep and the accompanying paper with it, and been to Chelsea Westminister hospital about four times where some strange doctor decided he wanted to view the innermost secret part of me and slid a camera into the area that has been come to be known as the "back passage." What a STUPID name. But yet it's like UK doctors don't trust themselves to say "anus" as if I'm not grown enough to handle that word. I felt like I was 11 the whole time I was talking to them. Hello people! My TV stays on Discovery Health channel. I know some of the lingo here. But anyway.

He was twirling and twisting that damn thing like it was a pixie stick and I felt it moving around my innards as he searched and scoped. Ultimately there was nothing to find (thank God) and I went next door and got a round of STD testing out of the way as I was there. Upon returning home, I discover Andrew wants to make his last and final visit this way so I agree to it.

PAUSE.

I would like to go back a day or two and just state I also spoke with a psychic a few days ago after hearing it from Chimba and she convinced me that it would interesting for me to do so. I will post her responses to me in a separate post. It was strangely enjoyable. But I don't think I'll be doing it again.

Anyway. Andrew arrived and the night started off well enough. But I noticed that he didn't look well. He looked really tired and thinner than usual (which for him is pretty thin) having been out every night the past week for various adventures. Anyway, we then got into an argument about youth crime statistics in the UK versus the US after I made a comment about how it appears that the UK has a large portion of crime committed by people under 18. And then it turned into a discussion on the evils of Fair Trade and subsidizing farmers.....yeesh. Not exactly the romantic total confession I'd been aiming for. That night was just a hot, hot mess.

I don't want to rehash details but let's say I didn't get anything out of it, and ended up doing something I shouldn't have to no avail. He fell asleep and I forced myself to fall asleep and he was gone and out in the morning and I couldn't have cared an extra iota. Strange from the change back earlier this year. But ehhh you win some. You lose some.

I had my meeting with the school's department heads or really just some talking floating heads that serve as other people's secretaries here about the situations in Roehampton. They soaked up all my information and just politely gave me that "we'll work on it" deal, which was totally fucking pointless but ehh. If the next student that comes along decides to sue to high hell for discriminatory and unlawful practice, I can only hope someone calls my phone so I can get a piece of that pie.

I've been slowly packing everything away in here getting ready to leave tomorrow and by tonight it will all be gone. I'm going to have dinner with Chim and Fiona and I will try and go to the museum today but we'll see. I may have too much to do. Tomorrow the truck comes and I'm on my way out. So then. Till the next time when we're back on American soil!!!!

The End of the Money?!

So....today was possibly the last time I'll be working for what I hope isn't a long time, as it was my final Taster Day with Tony McLeod, (who incidentally said he was going to 'powder his nose' to take a break. GAY BOOTZ!) and it was nice and easy. I'll be a little sad, I must admit. I was getting quite used to the idea of teaching a random group of kids about the wonderfulness that is Creative Writing and it was a good run. Taught me many things about myself, the most important being: that I can actually teach and I'm pretty damn good at it!

But that is not the post of this blog.

No.

I'm writing because twice today I was told to email the head of Roehampton University, which I know now must be divine providence. Obviously in the blog, I've been trying to chronicle the craziness that has been this school since I've been coming here last September. All the disappointment, the frustration, the denial, many of it the fault of the university, came to a head when I was told to tell them about it. By them, I'm referring to the Pro Vice-Chancellor and his second in command. Apparently a lot of what Roehampton has done they don't want me to expose because it will seem as really quite bad for the school, as well as it should be. So now I have to think about how I will craft this letter to talk about all the ridiculousness that this university has put me through, while simultaneously possibly asking for a job in the disability office to ensure this doesn't happen again in the future for other students.

THAT will be interesting....no?

Say Hello To My Little Friend!

This, blog, is my new mini netbook which I purchased yesterday. Okay...did I really have the money to buy it? Not...really. But to be fair it wasn't exactly an impulse buy. My laptop is like six freaking years old and it's large and clunky and while it works fairly well to type on, granted the keys were starting to fall out and it can no longer reliably serf the Internet. I'll be fair. It has served me well (reasonably, not counting the last year.) And it is time to let go and move on. It's a Dell 910 mini and it's soooo cute! I bought it because I'll be traveling quite a bit upon my return to the States, and I figured, I can use it to be doing my writing and surfing the net, without having to lug this ugly box around which will be nice. Now I can be trendy and sophisticated for all of three seconds as I work on my novel at the airport and the train station, lol.



In other news, let's see. I found out from Sarah Solly that I officially passed my poetry module. Yay! (Like I didn't know that, but with Jeff it's always a wildcard.) So that's good. Now I can officially move ahead and submit this dissertation that's been a massive pain in my ass for the entire summer. I'm looking forward to finally getting this thing out of my hands for good. Well, at least over to the teacher before it goes on my harddrive for a little while. If nothing else, I guess it's nice to be able to spend your day writing and planning and plotting as you please. I suppose this is the life of a writer. If that's the case, I'm going to have to develop some serious discipline. lol. Then again, Louise did tell me the trick was treating it like a job. Getting up at 9 to work till 5 and so on. I just don't know if I can commit to such a thing at the moment. But I am at least eyeing to have the first book "The Unravelling" ready for agent review by next summer. Ugh. A whole 'nother year. Oh well. We shall see.

Tom. Hmm....that's a complicated issue. He came through on Sunday, after flaking out I mean developing some kind of eye thing on Saturday after I went with Sajitha to her church. That was interesting. I headed along trying to see what Seven Day Adventist was all about. And afterward, this lady was trying hardcore to get me to go back and join and all that. I....don't think that's gonna be happening. These people were like, hardCORE about their bibles. Seriously. No makeup. No earrings. And every line was spoken with the unspoken utterance of "fire and brimstone" in it. Not a bad place, though. Good singers. I enjoyed the music. And the word. That kid who was preaching was good. A bit long winded. Okay, very long winded. The church was supposed to be out by 12:45. At 1:30, he was still going strong. Anyway, after a brief argument with Sajitha's friend about why it's supposedly impossible for people to be both Christian and gay, I came back to chill until Sunday when Tom came.

Well. His coming didn't exactly work out like I or he planned. To be fair, I was still a bit miffed about his not coming for over a month. I mean I'm starting to think that this was another Andrew affair without the shocking revelation behind it, (by the way he totally called me the other day with this thing of "I wish you weren't leaving the UK..." HUH? really? YOU DO? Cause I had no damn idea....but anyway) which is a bit disappointing. I gave him two opportunities to speak up and tell me what he wanted to do, and when he didn't take the bait either time, I was just about over it. I told him about what Andrew did to me, and I was waiting for him to respond with a "oh well our relationship isn't like that. I enjoy hanging out with you and I know your place isn't a hotel." Did I get it? No. He just said, "huh" and moved on. Strike one. Then we went to Nando's for dinner (mmmmm) and while there after loving me some Dani, we got to talking about our plans once we were both back in the States. I was just trying to see if he wanted to see me there, and he's all like, "you could come to New Orleans but I don't know if Baton Rouge would be good for you." Huh? That's not what you're supposed to say. Considering that your ass will have a car now, you could be like, "yeah it might be a little hard, but hey we'll get over it. Because I really want to see you, I'll make it work."

*sigh*

I didn't hear any of it. And it was disappointing. So when we made it back to the crib, and we're playing Lego Harry Potter (which is fun, mind you) he goes to try and kiss me when he starts to announce that he has to go. I wasn't feeling it. I felt like this whole trip was leading up to him trying to do something to me for some reason, and that he'd be disappointed if it didn't happen. Well considering at this point, I'd be disappointed twice, I wasn't in the mood for games and just spun around and dipped out. When he followed me to the kitchen and tried to kiss me a second time, he correctly guessed "I think I've pissed you off. I'm gonna go." My response? "later!" Yes I was pissed. You didn't say anything to me all day about what you wanted to do, especially when you know that we're on borrowed time as it is. So I took that is a fine. This is done. Could I have asked? Gotten my all consuming burning question? Yes. Did I want to? No. I'm sick and tired of being the one that does all the soul-searching. Let someone else ask ME for a fucking chance. I'm done with it. So I guess it's back to the drawing board on this one.

Am I upset about it? Yes. I know I had a lot in common with Tom. Writing, games, cooking, there was a lot to go on there. But I'm learning. Even that isn't enough some time. I know what I want for myself. Someone that cares about me. Truly. I want someone who calls me out the blue randomly just to be like, "I was thinking of you, so I just wanted to say hi." You never hear about that anymore. Am I being unrealistic? Maybe. But I know what I want. I deserve it. I have a lot to give. But only to the one who deserves to get it. Anyone else, can just get in line. Take a number, bitches.

:(

....The (gag) Horror.....

I can't even go into detail about anything else right now as I just literally shuddered reading this profile on Romeo from someone trying to hit me up for sex. Problem number one? 5'3, 297lbs. Let me just....post....ugh. Oh god.

I need to explain.I am 79 and I need my nurse, Mrs Holland to help me sometimes. First, she has to unplug me from the dialysis machine. Then she detaches my colostomy bag and cleans up the area. She helps me into my special frame where my legs are held open and my back supported. If she has to, she will spray my anal ulcers with anaesthetic. It can hurt sometimes when they flare up. Then she will cover your penis with disinfectant and lubricant and help you insert your cock inside me but only if you are not erect. If you are erect you will hurt me. She uses a spoon to help you in. Then when you are erect you can ejaculate inside me.

I need to go throw up. Excuse me.

Priiiiiiiide! (London, London, London...)

Yeah so this past Saturday was London Pride. Actually I wasn't going to go, because I didn't feel like it after the horrible experience of Farnborough the day before, but I realized it was a beautiful day and I really wanted to see it, so I dragged myself out the bed and threw on my Shiva wrap and a ton of silver glitter and headed down to Central.




It was really fun. I couldn't believe there were that many people out there. I guess that's what happens when gays decide that they want to do something worthwhile. Apparently it was supposed to happen in Soho but with the restructuring of the city, the council had told them that it wasn't going to happen because of a space ordinance and gave them the opportunity to get back to the 20,000 per bar in lost revenue or the ability to move it to Trafalgar Square. They chose option B, naturally.

Anyway, got down there and it was really nice to see everyone in support of gay rights. From what I understand, there was a million people plus there, which is awesome. I ran into Jon for a couple of minutes, and went off to enjoy the festivities, heading to Wagamama's afterward for dinner and lychee. It was a very nice day overall and I'm really happy I went.



What I would like to know is why so many gay dudes act like they are so offended by the idea of Pride? I got about sick and tired of people telling me (Tom included) that Pride is just whatever and that it's too sissified or whatever for them to go. I guess when you live in a place where such things are grounded and downplayed, you get the chance to act out when you get the chance. I guess maybe in places where it's considered pretty normal, it's not that big a deal but still he goes to school in Louisiana, and so I thought he'd understand my wanting to go a bit more. I'll talk more about that later.

July in Farnborough.

Wow this week has been so long. So, so, long. I'm glad that it's over. I can't express that enough. I've just been plowing through the script this week, trying to work on it for Liz and get it up to snuff. I had to make some pretty significant changes to the style of it, but I'm thinking that the style and the pace is much better suited now, so hopefully Liz will agree.

Other than that, it's pretty much been same ole same old. I went to Farnborough today, to an HE Fair that Tara sent me to because I wanted to get out of the city. In hindsight, I'm not sure that was a good thing because I had nothing but problems getting there and back. Getting there was easy enough, when the taxi picked me up this morning. I got to Clapham Junction and then that was where everything went wrong. Giving them the reservation they couldn't find anything and I was sitting there looking stupid. So I just went ahead and bought a ticket for myself. But doing this made me super late, and when I went to the staircase, I had to get in this weird contraption that I rolled in and she had to lower me backwards up the steps. Picture an adult-sized pram with military tread on the bottom. I can't think of any other way to put it. But I've never been so humiliated. It was very loud, very slow. I couldn't even look out at the people coming up the steps because I felt so humiliated. Then I got on the train and got there.

The fair was fine. Very long. But fine. And then I got ready to leave, got back to the station and talked to the manager and was told there was no way for disabled people to get across to the other side to get to Clapham Junction. So I had to head all the way down the track to this place Basingstoke and then go back to Clapham. Almost made me miss the Roehampton Car appointment I had. So annoying. So unnecessary. I don't think I'll be doing that again. Ugh.

Shocker Update

I feel good. I feel really good. Do I dare repeat that? Nah you get the point. But I'll explain about that in a second. First off, let's get this out of the way. So let's see here. Last Wednesday, I went to use the bathroom and something horrible happened. I've been having an issue where every time I use the toilet I end up bleeding. And at first, what started two years ago or more back at Pembroke as a few spots on toilet paper has turned into a full on bleeding opera, that soaks the paper, and my hand in blood. That was like a month ago.

Wednesday, I went to use the toilet. I get up to flush and see something horrible. The entire toilet bowl is covered in blood. Not covered thick as in toilet bowl cleaner, type, but sprayed all the way around as though I had been hacking up a chicken in the toilet and the blood was sprayed everywhere. I was instantly freaked. The water was dark red, meaning there'd been even more blood, and I was like whoa because the movement had been soft which was bad enough. So shaken, I called Dad and them and he told me to go to the hospital.

I leave and get outside with the guards and they end up calling the ambulance, which takes me to the Kingston A & E (Accident and Emergency, I guess) and I'm there for 9 and a half hours reading Sophie Kinsella's "Twenties Girl" in my spare time. (Hilarious book!) And I found out they don't know what's going on. I'm bleeding but they don't know why. So I have blood tests and xrays and a physical exam, and she tells me I could have irritable bowel disease, or it could be the early symptoms of colon cancer.

!!!!!

So I leave there and head over to Putneymead and got a colonoscopy scheduled for July 20th and that will tell them a little more about what they're dealing with and hopefully everything will come back negative and I can move on and figure out what the fuck is going on. So yeah that was the bad news.

I've been out to central a copy times this week, which is a chance for me. I went there after working in Tooting on Friday for an HE fair at a school that everyone said was supposed to be all hardcore, and it turns out the kids were quite nice and I got lots of free food out of the deal. Afterward, I came back and went with Sajitha to central, only to have her bail cause she needed to take this Chinese kid to the police station. I decided to roll around Soho because I had nothing better to do and wanted to go see the Lion King. Couldn't do it, so I went and got drinks at a bar "Village" I think it was, and then had dinner at TGI Friday's, as it was, Friday.

As an aside, interestingly, one year ago I was at Friday's with Lisa eating dinner when we found out about Michael Jackson. How interesting that a year later, I'm back at Friday's (in London, no doubt).

Then I went back out yesterday with Jen and her fabulous friend Heidi to this bar called Tiger Tiger where we watched USA lose to Ghana in this nail-biter of a match. Really annoying but hey, what'chu gonna do? Afterward, we went to Pizza Hut (the first time the food was actually delicious) and I headed home.

This morning, I woke up with the intent of doing work on my script all day....but that did not happen.

The Countdown Begins Again...

49 Days till I'm back in the States...which is great and a little frightening in many ways. So let's see. I turned in my poetry essay yesterday and I think it's a vast improvement over the one that I had turned in originally. So now it's just the waiting game to see how that pans out. I expect that it will be a great improvement, and I also asked for my poetry to be remarked, so that should be interesting.

So all the girls have moved out and I'm pretty much here by myself now till I get ready to leave, which is a bummer but I guess it's for the best, as now I have nothing to keep me from the massive massive edits I have to do on Skin Deep. At least I got that shit written, and 110 pages in a month isn't shabby.

Tom came over this weekend and the weekend ended up being bust when Friday night his back gave out on him and he ended up not being able to do anything at all really. I guess he was lucky that I keep a bottle of pain pills here, though he pretty much demolished the bottle...yeah....so we're gonna see if we can try it again before we go but who knows? I don't really know how he feels about me. I don't know if he thinks this is a fun little diversion or something more. And the grand plan I had to unveil this question was completely ruined by the back thing so that made it all the worse.

I ended up not being able to go to the England vs. USA game because of Tom, so I missed hanging out with Jen which pissed me off (kinda like as my friend Jon came over tonight to ask if we could hang out then proceeded to use my TV for nearly an hour to watch the damn World Cup match for a team neither of us is interested in.)

Alright so I'm off for now. It's late and I'm tired. Later.

In Love, Life and Relationships.

So this past week has been really interesting. Apparently I'm becoming the Love Guru again, which is fine, but I find it paradoxial that I'm giving so many people advice about something that I've never had. Maybe they just need to hear it from another mouth. It's always good to have that reconfirmation from someone else, which is why I'm interested in hearing it from a psychic though I don't really believe in any of that.

So Meriel and Jerry got married on Saturday night, and I saw some pictures. It looks fabulous and I'm so happy for them. Especially when I didn't know if it was going to go through, considering some of the things that has happened between the two of them and whether or not they'd be strong enough to get through it. But that's why I love Meriel. She's a tough-as-nails chick and she doesn't take shit and that's what Jerry needs I think. I think they'll be together for awhile unlike other people I could say, and I know couples that have gotten married out the blue and I think the only reason they stay together is because he's never there.

Okay gotta cut this short. Rebecca (classmate) is out front we're going to see Rec 2 so I can scare the crap out of her.

Happy 5th Anniversary Bloggie!!

Okay so I'm a little late, but Sunday marked my fifth year of having a blog. God it's been a crazy bunch of times. Here's to another five!!!

Updates on the Drama & Boondock Craziness

Okay I'd like to start this out talking about one of my favorite shows, or what used to be my favorite show: The Boondocks. I really don't know anymore. What started out as a new and fresh medium for black people to express frustration against Americanism, has turned into my opinion Aaron MacGruder bitching about black people and white. I never denied the fact that he knows that in order to make something successful you have to talk about yourself in the process if you want it to be a true to life way of looking at things.

I mean you could look at previous seasons of the Boondocks and see that with the way that rap culture comes out everytime Huey and Riley watch "Booty Butt Cheeks" or whatever. That was funny and true to me. But it seems as though he has taken that sentiment and made it much darker. After the two year hiatus from the show when no one expected it to return, he came out with his first episode about Obama, in which he takes the entire episode to critize Obama and everyone that stood with him.

Do I get the message of the dangers of "dick riding" Obama? Yes. Do I dick ride him myself? No. I don't think he's absolutely perfect. I don't think he's the superstar that's going to save the United States. But I do think he's doing a fantastic job with what he's been giving. It took a strong man or woman to have to stand in that position and try to pick up all these pieces that George Bush left behind and he's going a great great job. So no, I don't agree with Mr. MacGruder. I think he's being entirely unfair to the left and to the people of America that voted for what Obama stood for: change.

As for the show itself, it seems to have just delved deeper and deeper into different ways of calling people niggers and finding different ways to point that out. I don't know. I do believe that this will be the last season though. I don't think Sony is gonna put up with that shit too much longer.

Now then on to the next. I had a very long conversation with Steven the other day and we literally talked like the whole day online. Turns out that after he was yelled out by his boss (the same woman that he told me about wayy back before) that now he wants to quit and up and move to San Diego. Whereas the last time we were talking he had told me the decision wasn't definite, it seems like this latest attack has pushed his mind into the idea that is going to be permanent. Let me be clear about this now. Do I want him to leave? No. But do I want for him to be stuck in a place where he's unhappy? No. So where does that leave me? Not too sure. But he was saying that I needed to come to San Diego with him and all of that and I'm thinking to myself, "are you fucking crazy? Have you lost your mind? I've never even met you face to face and you want me to move out to another city with a man I've never met to try and build a life together?" Okay I may be a romantic, but I'm not crazy and even that is a bit beyond me. I just simply told him that if he choose to leave, that that's his decision but that it would mean that we're most likely not going to get together unless he really wanted to. I'm looking at it from the standpoint of that you're not going to have me jumping on a jet every weekend paying god knows what money into travel just to spend a day or two with you before I've got to head home. Maybe some people can do it, but that's not me. It's the same reason why I broke it off with Pete earlier this semester. Someone's who's three hours away from me but who can't even find the time off of work to come and see me doesn't deserve to have me as their partner. They need to focus on what's going on their area and find someone there that they can relate to. I'm not about to be jet-setting for just anyone. So on that front, we'll just have to wait and see.

I had my meeting with Jeff yesterday and I went to see him about the resit information on my essay after he failed me for the Poetry course. It was funny to me a little because he could tell that I wasn't happy (who would be?) and he was just trying to downplay it the entire time but it didn't matter. Basically he was just saying that I didn't do the essay correctly and that it was confusing and he couldn't get a read off my work from it. Turns out, that was one of the deciding factors in the grade on my poetry, considering that I got a 56 on the poetry part because he said he was confused and didn't agree with the line arrangements or on what our definitions of "prose" was. I thought it was literally anything that didn't rhyme or have a definable meter. He claims it's all about margins and lines and all of that. Truth is, it's probably a bit of both, but the point is, I certainly didn't know that, so I'm thinking I can't be blamed for something I didn't know. After he told me that he was confused by my essay and couldn't read the work, I asked him for a remark of the poetry and the essay because the way I see it, if I can rework the essay to explain the poetry, then he should have a much clearer understanding of what I was trying to do, and therefore give me a better grade. It pisses me off that I have to go into all of this when people like Dambara and Ashley turned in their stuff like the weekend of after not having anything all semester and yet they both end up with mid 60's. That shit is beyond frustrating. But he said I just have to turn it in and move on, which is what I will attempt to do. Whatever.

I got a situation cleared up with Jon and apparently he doesn't "do" friends with benefits or whatever, which is fine by me, though shelling all this money every time he appears is getting thin. So we'll have to work something out on that front. Also, David asked me to see him again this morning and then was talking about fucking in the bathtub. Where as before I was seriously considering the offer, after that little piece of information I was like, "oh thank god I didn't go." Because I know now that that'd be a terrible mistake. And I ain't even gonna bat an eye. I turned down Marek, I can certainly turn down David.

I taught again yesterday for Tony to a group of 12 year olds and one of the teachers came to me afterward and said she really liked the lecture and that it was the highlight of the day which was great. Tony immediately asked me when it was over, "please don't leave England." lol. Which I thought was funny. Apparently he seems to think I'm quite good at teaching, if it wasn't for the fact that I don't have a PGCE degree or whatever, I probably would go into it. But that just means that when I get home I have work to do in trying to figure out if I wanna do one more year of school to get it out of the way, or just go the sub route or whatever. Ugh. I have so much work to do when I get home.

P.S. I got my article published by CampusProgress!! yay. Couple that with the email that says they're paying me $100.00 for it, I'm like, YEAH! Even better.

The Curse of Prematurity

Okay so I've had a few days to get over the shock of Jeff's class, and while I'm still angry, I'm a bit over it at this point. He sent me an email where he didn't give me any kind of reason for failing me, just that he felt that I didn't explain my work at all, and that my paper needed a redraft. I didn't even get into the part of the fact that apparently everyone else's work in the class must be better than mine since I got a 56, which was the lowest grade in the class. I'm not quite sure how I'm going to set my face to go into his office this week. I can't make up my mind to decide if I want to be angry, or sad or what. After talking to Louise, she was just saying that I need to look at what I did on my other essays and try and emulate the same process. I already know what I was doing with Jeff's, in that I was trying to pull from the genre of poetry before explaining my own, but I guess that approach didn't work. So anyway, I'll have to figure out how to do that this week.

Next up: Goncalo. He's a really nice Portuguese guy that lives on the top floor of the building here, and we've been talking and seeing each other almost everyday. Don't worry it's not like that, as he's straight, but he's still nice to look at. Of course, now that I've been talking to him almost everyday and getting to him generally, I realize now just how young he really is. And he and Kirsty are the focus of this blog this time around. Nadia and me spent the better part of an hour trying to convince him not to exit university because of the fact that he hates film theory and feels like he's the next George Lucas because he can already do film praticals or whatever. I was trying to explain to him that even though that might be true, Steven Spielberg, Quentin Tarantino, and all the rest all have film history in their resumes because you have to know about the history of the medium before you can work in it. But he wasn't trying to hear that. It just showed his age, and showed how stubborn he can be. Funny, because he'll probably have to learn the hard way when he can't get any kind of regular job because of his unwillingness to deal with things that he disagrees with.

Now with Kirsty, that's a different story all together. My flatmate here, she's intelligent, beautiful, and has her head on her shoulders. She would be a powerhouse to be reckoned with if it wasn't for the fact of one thing: her boyfriend Nick. I spent a few hours with them tonight and we just sat drinking and talking about life and movies. They're quite cool but her boyfriend is going to be the downfall of her. I can see it coming. It's like watching a train wreck in slow motion. We're talking in the kitchen and he mentions one time when he's out doing something "when I was fucked up on drugs and alcohol, yeah?" and kept talking as my mind played back the previous statement. ?????!!! So I casually asked her about this after he runs outside for his 12th cigarette in an hour. And she replies that not only does she know about his drug habit, she's quite alright with it, saying that she loves him regardless...blah, blah...and I'm thinking to myself, "so you want to be cleaning up all his coke habits in two years?" I mean it was RIDICULOUS. This girl is beautiful intelligent and great. And for her to be with this guy, (who's heading head first into a massive supernova of an explosion with his willingness to be an actor) it's like unthinkable. I just kept thinking the whole time, "you stupid, stupid child. Is this what I was like when I was 20?" Oh wait. No. Even at 20, I had more sense than that. *sigh* I suppose eventually she'll learn. When she's dragging his overdosed body into the bathtub for a cold shower.

Poor Kirsty. Poor Goncalo. Poor 20's.

............. :(

So I failed poetry. What else is there to say?

What Is A Friend With Benefits? I Mean Come On, Really.

So let's see. I've had an interesting few days to report. First the unimportant stuff (so to speak). After handing over my precious Xbox to these people get fixed, I got this call saying that there was nothing wrong with the system and that I would have to come in and pay for it to be returned to me because apparently she thought (Daniella) that I was making it all up. UPDATE: that's incorrect. Sunday night, I get an email from one of the guys in the shop saying that the repair on my Xbox has been completed and now I owe them 60 pounds for the service....? Considering there was nothing that was supposed to be wrong with it in the first place, this is news. So I called them yesterday to discover that apparently they had discovered that I was not making it up and that yes my box had indeed Red ringed on me. So they fixed it. Supposedly. But now when I'm trying to pay them I realize they sent me the request to the US bank account, and I'd rather pay through UK but now I can't so anyway I'll have to wait till the money comes all the way back around because I put an extra e in the email. Fucking stupid.

Anyway. This week our grades should be out for our Spring classes, and I'm just curious as to what I got. I'm not in any danger of failing, as I figure, as both of these classes I actually cared enough to participate in unlike theory last semester. I mean yes, I like Sharon Norris, but I mean it's theory, not my thing. (We'll get to that later) So that should be interesting. It'd be really nice to get a first in both classes this time around, but I suppose I'll be satisfied with 65 and up this time around.

I invited Jon over for dinner tonight and he came through and we had a blast. He's really nice. I wish I had met him earlier when I got here, because he's really nice and I think we have a good time together, but I'm not even going to entertain any thoughts like that, as I'm leaving he knows it. But he came over and I cooked lemon pepper fried pork chops, new potatoes, salad with peppers and mushroom topping, macaroni and cheese, and broccoli. I went all out. I don't really know why. Maybe I just felt like doing it. Not sure. But it was fun and the food was good.

Speaking of going home, guess who I heard from today. Steven. Like two years ago Steven from VA Beach Steven. I had totally forgotten him to be honest, I just knew his screename of Etienne from MySpace. He messaged me the other day saying he missed me and to hit him up. So I did, and we started talking and he remembers me from two years ago! Crazy. Even crazier is the fact that he still likes me....maybe I have a reason to go home after all. But I'm wondering do I just make him a friend with benefits or something more? I'm wondering is the part when I lay my intentions bare and let him know and just expect devastation all the way around? I've never been in the situation where I say something and then someone says something right back and it's just perfect like it always is in the movies. Granted I've had people tell me amazing things (Paul...) but with him being married and all, it really doesn't count. So now I'm wondering. So I just continue to flirt with Steve innocently or really let him know that I'd love for him to become mine for good??

On the Grind. Maybe.

So I've been doing the whole job posting thing today and I absolutely hate it. I hate this so much. It sucks seeing everyone around you working and making money and not even knowing what you're going to be doing or where or how because you don't know how you're going to get there. I need to just fast forward life just to see what comes next because this is ridiculous. I mean it's like everyone everywhere has all these specifications and it's like I didn't plan myself out enough to know exactly where I need to be to get what I want. Very very frustrating. I can only hope as time goes on that I can eventually end up somewhere worthwhile with a good job, and a good house. I know what I want. I just don't know how to get there. *sigh*

This is what I want. Some day I will have it. I will.

Breathtaking.

That's what Wicked was. God I'm glad I went. The show was marvelous. What I loved most was the story. Not having seen Wizard of Oz, but knowing the basic parts, I loved how they connected so much without having to try. Like Tin Man being Elphaba's sister's lover who's heart shrunk after Ness tried to kill him with a spell, or the Cowardly Lion as a result of her actions in school scaring the lion cub. Or most interestingly, how Scarecrow was actually the lover between both Elphaba and Glinda, after he was wrongfully accused of murder, and she attempted to save his life, and they left after she faked her death. Such a great, great story.

On a side note, I was in Victoria station for a little while and tried to go to Burger King (a rose of the same name is NOT a rose) and thought of Andrew. I couldn't help it. I realize now that I was actually falling in love with him, as funny as that sounds. He just seemed so...perfect. Perfect face, perfect connection, perfect body. God. What I wouldn't give to have him. It just doesn't seem fair. I texted him and tried to see him but the show went over long after he left work, so I didn't get a chance to. I keep toying with the idea of trying to see him after work one day, but honestly I don't know if I should. I'm already emotionally raw when it comes to him, so that would be like flaying the wound. But I just want to see his face honestly. Just to look at him and stare at it. Ugh. Need to think of other things.

Tomorrow I'll be inquiring to find out just what the hell these people are doing with my Xbox and I have to do a bit of work with Tony on a Taster day, so that should be interesting. What I REALLY need to be doing is getting back to work on this script. After all, I've only got 3 weeks from Tuesday to have it finished. And I'm only on page 34 from a week and a half back. *sigh*

A Wicked Revitalization

So it's been a little while since I've done a proper blog and in this time I've decided to start a semi-professional version of a blog that I can keep in the future after going through a few of my friends. MySpace was getting a bit stale, so this will work better I think. I've been spending the last week porting old blogs over from MySpace (over the last five years) over here so that's been a mammoth task, but I thought I'd take a break from that and catch up on some modern stuff too. Let's see:

Over the last week:

My beautiful wonderful Xbox has suddenly come down with Red Ring and so I've sent it off so this place in East London with the hopes that they can fix it, though they haven't contacted me back yet when they were supposed to yesterday so it's making me raise my eyebrows.

While working with Filomena (an ambassador here) she was telling me about Wicked tickets being on sale through the university for tonight. At the time, we were going through a green mesh net that the school is trying to set up as a walkway for disabled students through their garden and into the play area for this Shakespeare thing that we're supposed to be doing in the next two weeks....(huh yeah right at this rate, I'm really wondering if we're even going to really do it. These people SWEAR being disorganized!! First it was GLBT week (or the lack thereof) and now this?! Over it!!) So I contacted the school and sure enough they were selling tickets for Wicked tonight from a discounted price of 60 pounds to 35. But do you think that's what I paid for them? NOPE! Upon further inspection, we discovered that disabled people's tickets are....15 pounds. Score!!!

Let's see. Today is Thursday, so Tuesday I had a very interesting experience when Monday afternoon Tony called me from UK recruitment to let me know that one of the lecturers for the Creative Writing program had backed out and he wanted to know if I could do a guest lecture for the students. Ordinarily this would be fine. Oh did I mention, they were 9? So I was freaking out for a fraction of a second trying to figure out what to do with these children after I called Chimba. And so I came up with a gameplan and Tuesday I was ready to go. Of course, getting there Tony was pissed to discover that the security team here at the university (whatever they call themselves, cause it sure as hell ain't security) didn't have a key so I had to crawl down a giant flight of steps but it was alright. When the lecture started, I was a little nervous sitting there looking at all these faces listening to me talk but it was really cool. Maybe I'll actually like teaching for a change. I showed them a trailer for How to Train Your Dragon to explain about how writers are responsible for all of that then I talked about writers and what we do and we did an imagination exercise with Doby and Tails. Then I talked a little more about imagination and finished with some poetry. It was a good session.

Sunday actually, was pretty interesting. I figured I should write about it now or I'll forget. Technically I was supposed to have rehearsal for Shakespeare but that got cancelled since so many of the people didn't show. Which is not unusual for this place. Ugh. Anyway, it ended up being okay because I went to Putney to meet with Bernhard, who this really hot guy from Austria but he's living in Berlin at the moment and he had business in London. We had been talking via Romeo for awhile and so when he came we ended going to Nando's for lunch which was great. Love the manager there. She's so awesome. We talked for a little while and it turned interesting when he started asking me about what I liked to do and so when I told him, he started messing with me under the table...that was....interesting. Well I decided to go with him in a cab and we went back to his hotel and talked for a bit, and more happened (cough, cough) and then he took me for a drink and I went home. That was nice. I wish I could've stayed with him for a bit longer, but with him being on business, I doubt we'll ever cross paths again, which is a damn shame.

I went to lunch with Jen on Monday, and we had a chance to catch up which was really nice, as I rarely ever get to talk to her as much as I would like. Jen is like one of those in between people that I never know quite where I'm at with her, but I think she smoothed that at lunch on Monday. Unfortunately I'm caught in the middle of a war between her and Chim after Chim left her stranded for a ride at the airport. Granted, I understand both sides and Jen's mad because she's tried all semester to be friends with her and Chim always was finally ways to avoid the situation and when she said she would do something and didn't, it made it really difficult for her. But Chim was saying that Jen only comes to her when she needs something and Chim was saying that their not good enough friends for her to be asking for favors like driving to the airport at five am. I mean I know I could, but at the same time, I guess she could've said no in the beginning and it would've saved people a lot of drama. So that's sad. But eh, we'll be gone in a little while anyway so it's not like it matters terribly anyway.

Speaking of which, I bought my ticket to go home Saturday and it was wonderful. Granted I hated having to pay over double for what I paid to come here but everything considered, it was a better deal. 695 for a flight back and that includes insurance for my luggage and my chair, which I think is important. But I'm leaving Britain Wednesday August 4th at 9:00 which will be great. I'll enjoy being back home. It will be a nice chance to all this madness.

Over the last two weeks I've been hanging out with Goncalo like almost everyday which is cool. I'm pissed that I really didn't get to know him till like 2 months till everyone's scheduled to leave, but such is my luck. He's really cool.

I've also had my X Factor audition like two weeks ago and that was interesting. Chim took me there at five am and we got there and had to stand in the freezing rain for two and a half hours, and then got in the room and when I did my audition I got through only to be cut on Tuesday when I went back with Goncalo. That sucked but it didn't matter. 17 year old British girls probably don't know about Etta James or Al Greene so that's fine. Their loss.

Um let's see I've seen the New Nightmare on Elm Street. It was alright, but the original is much better. But as far as remakes go, it was pretty good. I've also seen Iron Man 2 but I certainly wasn't paying to see that shit. It was okay, I've never been a fan in the first place but I did like Scarlet Johanssen as the Black Widow. That was fun.

Okay so I'll have to do more updates later. Gotta get dressed for Wicked!

My Boost For the Night.

So as I was watching Dexter, apparently some guy left this on my profile at Adam:

pjr_medina: On some 4real shit Yo
you should Be a MODEL
and I don't mean porn you really got the look!!
RESPECT -1 ..............


Yay.

On another topic, I think I'm truly getting sick of this place. It's getting to the point now where the concept of trying to stay here another three years makes me physically sick to my stomach. I think that I will look into other schools back in the states before I let myself get stuck into the mindset of trying to stay here. I don't think I can, and I'm already looking elsewhere. Thank God.

Oxtail and Orthello

..Okay so this has been an interesting couple of weeks. Been dealing with Peter, not sure what I'm going to do about that at the moment. Something is telling me to break it off because quite honestly it's laughable about the fact that he thinks that he's really dating me when we haven't even met and he's some three hours away and whatnot. It's ridiculous. So I might just end that just because.

Anyway. I've just finished a can of British Oxtail soup and that was an interesting experience. I've been wondering what it tastes like since I picked it up a few months back and I just waited to see when I felt like eating it. I ate some grilled ham and cheese sandwiches for lunch, so I figured it'd be a good fit. Not sure if I like it. It was kind of bland actually and bitter. If a cigar had a soup flavor I imagine it'd be something kind of close to that. So yeah. Probably won't be trying that again.

I went to my audition read through yesterday. Apparently a few weeks back I went to the Shakespeare audition and totally rocked it, so as a result I got the title roles in The Tempest and Orthello, which is awesome. I'm gonna choke the shit outta that bitch. LOL. Just kidding!!! So yeah I'm off to that in a second.

In a bad note, I've been trying to file taxes back home but can't because...someone has already filed under my number??? So now I'm being put through the hoops for ID Theft. Ugh. Gosh I just wish someone would find out what's happening so I can move on with my business.

Okay then. Leaving for Shakespeare.

Whoosh!!!

That's how this week went by. Wow so much has happened. Where to start.

First, I've seen to have stumbled to across a possible to answer to my PhD prayers. I meet Peter Jaegar in the flesh this week (he's much more normal than Jeff Hilson, thank god) because he was teaching our poetry class this week on conceptual poetics and that was interesting. But anyway, while talking to him, he told me about the Sacred Heart Scholarship which apparently gives one full ride arts international student a free pass to attend school year, determined on academic merit and financial need. I'm not sure that I qualify as far as academia is concerned, but the financial part? Absolutely. 100,000 is quite a large sum to come up on my own. If I did get it, I'd only have to ask for 30,000 for 3 years as opposed to 100,000 which would be great. So that's part one, I'll have to get on that in late April.

Secondly, I finally finished my MA thesis proposal for my full length script, "Skin Deep." Yay. Hopefully I'll be able to do everything I said I would satisfactorily because I don't want to end up in another Leone-esque situation. I mean technically, I don't give a damn so long as everything is passed and I get through with my degree. But it would be nice. It'd be funny to me if I ended up with a higher score in screenwriting than fiction. But then again, my story matter this time around is drastically different than what it was for Leone. So we'll see.

Thirdly, I decided to be proactive and decided to apply for the MIUSA job that I saw in my email at the end of last month. It's for the position of NCDE of project manager, and this job has some huge implications. If I do get it, it would be my first major job outside of internships would be great. The first step in a long line of them, I suppose. But there's some major things alongside of that. I mean, at this point, I guess it's not that big a deal. First off, I'd have to leave my dream of this PhD (and possibly Peter which he's very obsessed with) which would mean I'd have to just stop this whole education thing and focus on a career, which would be fine I guess, but dammit I was looking forward to the name Dr. D'Arcee Charington. That doesn't mean that it's over of course, but it's a thought. I'd also have to move to Oregon in order to do that job, which would be fine I suppose, it'd just be different. Another new city, another life, another adventure. On the upside, Christina, Alison and Haben are all there and Zana wouldn't be too far away either, so that'd definitely help. I'd be back in the States and doing something that I'd really enjoy which is awesome. I shall be anxiously awaiting that email for an interview.

Fourth, George decided to make another non-appearance Monday night and at this point, I'm totally over it. If he hasn't gotten the point that I'm upset with him, than he's just stupid. It's one thing to blow me off the first time, but it's quite another when you KNOW what you did wrong the last time and then to do it again?! Unfathomable. So yeah I guess I won't be knowing carnal bliss with that man. He can kiss my ass for all I care. That so pisses me off. And while I'm at it, I might as well throw in Stefan to the mix, as he too decided not to make an appearance this week, and then was apologizing to try and cover it up. Might I also add, he messaged me today telling me he was around and was trying to make it sound like my fault because I didn't answer his message. A: I was sleep B: We didn't set it up. It's completely different if you decide to drop in on someone unannounced, because you take the risk of them not being around. It's not that I don't think about what these guys do when they ask to see someone, but if you're going to ask to do something make a damned EFFORT!!! I hate that I waste time and then there's nothing to show for it. It makes you feel so stupid. But you know what? that's perfectly alright because why I was fuming at Stefan the next point showed up...

And last, but definitely not least and arguably the best in the list is Peter Lemanski. He hit me up on GayRomeo randomly while I was just checking messages and we started talking. I like him. A lot, I might've as well go and say it. He's 23, and into dance and techno, many of my sexual likes, and video games. Yay!! It's like the perfect package rolled into one. Do I care that he's Polish? Absolutely not. Only two things keep this from being the best thing in the universe. A: His work schedule is terrible, as he only gets days off in between, which is really odd. But it's okay. He was telling me that he has the week of my birthday off which is FABULOUS, because he said he'd spend it with me (which makes me feel like Sean Harry now with his Italian lover) that would be the best present in the world...outside of the Sex and the City boxset and Final Fantasy XIII...lol. And B: He seems to be drastically concerned with me leaving in the future, which I suppose is a very real concern but I mean I'm at the moment thinking that can I just live in the moment???? Please???? I don't want him to blow my super high, because it feels great and I absolutely, absolutely cannot can NOT wait till Tuesday.

It's Time to Get Me Some Sex in the City

It's a rather apt title, considering the show. But after devouring a few episodes tonight, I'm thinking I need to start taking the show's advice. Okay I'll admit. Britain hasn't been the best bag of tricks. The place hasn't been the all-inspiring, super mega fabulousness that I wanted it to be, and yes I still prefer Germany over this, even when I was begging to be here while I was there. However, I think that sitting here wishing for things to be different than they are isn't going to help me get anymore out of what I want from it. So...with that in mind, I think I'm going to start my own little Carrie-esque escapades from the first week of April onward.

Considering that they may very well be my last few months in the center of the universe that is London England, I figure I need to get more out of it than what I've done so far, and much of that, has little to nothing to do with some man being there. So what does that mean? That means that starting the first week (or whenever this last check comes through) I'm pledging (oh God I thought I'd never use that word again) to head to one club every weekend and to come back on the night route. I'm going to learn the night buses and how to get around without that god awful Underground to deal with, and I'm going to go and meet guys and have fun, with no expectations, no thoughts of where it might lead and no mindset of anything happening at anytime.

I think life is too short to sit around in a room and ponder about the abilities and the hows and whys I can't get somewhere, and to be fair, I did meet Chris that way and he was wonderful and marvelous and I'm grateful I did (speaking of which I REALLY need to email him) and I need to meet another Chris here. I guess I kinda already have one in Rafal, but he doesn't give me what I need all the time, and it's nice to know that there is that option without it having to be tied to my internet. So that means when my money comes in there's a few things I'm going to do.

A:I'm going shopping at Primark and I'm gonna buy up a bunch of new stuff from the girls' section and play around with Jen and find some new stuff to wear for the weather.

B: I'm going to buy my plane ticket to head home in August so I know I have an exit plan if nothing goes like it should here.

C: I'm going to book at least 4 trips over the summer to four different destinations so I have a summer of traveling in Europe to look forward to.

D: I'm going to get my hair done professionally and get styling tips so I know how to keep my fresh going if I do decide to leave.

E: I'm going to keep looking for a position and something that I know I can do when this is done, because planning is one thing I do best.

F: I'm going to meet guys and have fun and stop expecting so much. I just need to do that.

And that's just going to be that really. It's something that I have to make my mind to do and I need whole days to do it because hours isn't something that's going to let me do what my heart is telling me I need. I want to go all the way to Covent Garden and explore the innerds of SoHo and figure out where all the clubs are and argue with the managers who won't let me in and the whole nine. I deserve it. I deserve that and more. And that's just it. I'm gonna go get me some Sex in the City.

The S Word.

I don't even know how to phrase this really. I really don't like being melodramatic because whenever I see it, it just makes me roll my eyes, but I really can't think of any other way to put this. I have to admit I've been thinking about the concept of suicide quite a lot lately. Like everyday. Not really wanting to do it, because there's too much I enjoy doing to do something like that, but life in general is just really getting on my nerves. It feels like I'm literally spinning in place not going anywhere. Yes I'm in a new place but I can't even get out to see it. I don't have the money to go out and enjoy any of it, and I can't even convince half these people around here to take the time to go with me. This place is not conducive for positive thinking. Not at all. I need to be in a place like Germany where the people there aren't so judgmental, so harsh where I know that people aren't looking at me like some exhibit, if they choose to look at all. I just see all of this and it seems so unfair. I can't even go out and hang out at the clubs to try and meet people because I can't get into any of these places. And I'd be quite pissed to get there and still have to pay all this money to get in and its humiliating and frustrating and just wrong. It's like you try to ignore the concept of seeing people online because it makes you feel like shit when you check your messages 20 and 30 times a day because you have nothing better to do, and yet it still says 0. So you force yourself into situations you have no interest in, in places you shouldn't even be for something that lasts for an afternoon and afterward you feel like a fool the entire time. There's something very...cleansing about the fact of suicide. The fact that you could in fact just end it. Just stop all this worrying. All the loathing and hatred and the judgment and the comments and pestering and mentality in your head that says you're shit and that you're wasting away the best time of your life waiting for something that you don't even believe in. So I try to fight against that, and go and do things and be pro-active, be better in the hopes that it will get me noticed and I can get a better place in my life, but quite honestly at this moment I couldn't care if I was dirt broke without a high school diploma living on the very edge of poverty. If I had someone that I really loved with me, to wrap his arms around me every night and tell me its okay that'd be enough for me to keep living on if for nothing else beyond that. Is it so wrong to want? People tell me to go and live life and do things and be youthful but I feel like I'm looking at the world devoid of colour in complete black and white. It's hard to go and enjoy yourself when you are constantly reminded that in everything you do you are completely alone. I hate it. I hate every moment of it. It makes me sick to my stomach that I have to do everything differently. It makes me want to shut myself away in my room and lock the door and stop eating until I waste away from hunger and weakness. It's just frustrating to try and fight against what seems so inevitable and so ridiculous that you're wasting time. It all just seems so futile. And I'm tired. I am.

February 26, 2010 - Friday

Creating a monster Pt. 1
Current mood: horny
Throughout my sexual experiences, I've always pretty much let it be known to people that I'm into what I like sexually in that I have a raging foot fetish for guys and that I get off on it big time. But most of the time, the guys that I deal with say their ok with it, and ignore it completely or just act like it's not a big deal and I feel like I'm wasting my time. Occasionally I'll run into some guys who aren't initially into the idea but when they try it, they find out that they quite like it and want to do it more. I've had this happen twice already with Frank and the guy Ian. And now most recently there's George.

I started talking to him a few days ago and he asked me what I liked so I told him that I get into guys' feet and I love sniffing them and licking their feet and sucking their toes and love having it done back to me (thanks Chris!!) because it feels so great. Well before he was just like another average person just saying the usual of what he likes and all but when I mentioned that, he suddenly changed his whole tune and it was like he became something else completely. Next thing I know, he's like going crazy and getting totally turned on and he must've been so hard that he called my phone manipulating me into phone sex so he could bust a load.

So now he's supposed to come over on Monday and he just wants to have foot sex and so I'm going to give him exactly what he wants. Hopefully he'll come so hard that he'll need a back brace to recover (which would be majorly hot to see) but we shall have to see. This is just part one....

February 26, 2010 - Friday

We Interrupt this Message....
Current mood: relaxed
So yeah a quick update with what's happening. Let's see. So first off, I found out what Andrew's deal was finally when after I sent him a 6 page text message at 1 am and he called me at 1:02, I found out what the deal was. He doesn't want a relationship. Though he was spending time here and having sex with me and the whole nine. Well....whatever. His loss. It's a shame though.

I met Simon finally, the other week and he came through and we had dinner and talked. It was nice. And he stayed over and we watched a movie and fell asleep until he had to get up the following morning to leave. So that was interesting. It's sad to say but I was severely mislead by his picture. Not that he's bad looking but in my head there were no such things as unattractive Australians. I should modify that to say there are no such things as younger unattractive Australians as I don't think they age very well. yeah.

I decided to start making moves to find out about this PhD. I'm nervous because I don't know that means in regards to my fiances, as CFNC has already stated that if I have loans out with the school now, it shouldn't be a problem to reissue them if I'm staying around to continue my work. So yeah. I met with a man from the program and he seemed genuinely interested in trying to help me put it together. So that's cool.

I seem to be doing alright in my classes this time around. Just met with Jeff Hilson for my tutorial this week and he's happy about my prospective project with the elements of poetry which is nice. The real shocker of the week came in the form of Liz Clegg's response to my script for her class. She was completely blown away and she just lavished praise all over it and then some. I was like generally speechless for several seconds reading what she wrote. But that's definitely a good sign. I sent her my treatment for my feature film Skin Deep, so hopefully she'll like it and I can get started on a basic skeleton of the work in the near future.

So that's that for now, I guess. I picked up a few new games recently which is good, Dante's Inferno, Heavy Rain, Darksiders, and Demon's Souls all of which are good. So life is okay now. I just need this final check to come in so I can keep it moving. lol.

Ugh.

I just have to say I really hate hypocrisy. My fiction teacher Leone, is and was really good at teaching, I'm not saying she isn't. But I don't understand now that my grades have come back from class, why I have the lowest grade in the class second to a person who failed out completely. Especially when I did so much ridiculous work for that class, and it just seems completely pointless. In comparison with someone who barely worked at all and spent all her time running around London at every party with everyone. I'm not saying she isn't good. Natalie is an amazing writer. but in comparison to the fact that I spent so much time cooped up reading books on writing and trying to emulate and make better, and then she just arrives with a piece that was really out there and odd and gets a god-like score. It's disconcerting and really upsetting.

otherwise, life is fine. I'm ready for this semester to be done already and we're only halfway through. It doesn't make me feel good that my teacher and dissertation overseer Elizabeth Clegg is making it sound like our dissertation is going to be utterly impossible. That's not really the way to inspire people into doing good work. but I'll just keep trying to get through it. It's not helping that I'm supposed to have 3 games coming to me sometime but I don't see them or when they'll be here. It'd be nice to bury myself in some Demon's Souls or Assassin's Creed 2 or even...god forbid...Mass Effect 2.

ugh.

It's Raining Men!!! 9 Stories of the Semester

Before anything else: HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!! 2010!!!!!! Good that's so crazy. 2000 was 10 years ago. Holy shit. Anyway...

Okay so I know it's been a while, but how should I start this? There's many things I could say about what's been going on since I got here, and what3 has happened since my last post but I think I would rather focus on the guys because that seems to be the biggest thing right now. So where to start? The good news is that since I got here there has been a noticeable upgrade in the men department, much more so than say DC, which isn't saying a whole lot, but in truth, I wasn't doing much searching there. DC was more a respite for me. I mean I was working there and I didn't have a whole lot of time to do a lot of other things. I mean so much so to the point that got that my co-workers were talking about it. That's when I went out and met the awesome 20 something's club. Shame I didn't meet them till right before I was supposed to go. That would've made a big difference. But anyway, it's water under the bridge now. So anyway like I was saying, since I've got here, there as been a big increase in guys that find me interesting, I guess most of them would even go as far as to say attractive, though sometimes I'm not quite sure. I've seen now there at there are men that view men sometimes for more of what I'm not that for what I am. Meaning like fore example, the people that like to see in my in my chair. There's only been a few of them thank God, but still I've met a few who would rather that I stay in my chair that move out of it, because for some reason they see it as hotter or some4thing. I'm not one to begrugde anyone for wanting to do their own thing, but truth be told, that's just odd. I mean I t3e3ll other people about it, and they look at me like I'm crazy. But it's okay. I mean everyone is entitled to do their own thing.

So anyway, yeah I mean I've met a few odd jobs in the past, but most of the guys I see tend to be pretty normal, nice, sexy guys. Most of them. So then. Let's go through the list, shall we? What can I remember from September? Let's see, there was:

1. Sean: He was really nice, the first guy I talked to that wanted to come and meet me, from South London or I should say England. Plae as moonlight with burning fire red hair. lol He told me that people here tned to hate on red-haired people and I've seen it for myself and I don't know why. But it's true for some odd reason. I guess here red headas are like Britain's black. lol. Anyway, he came over and we talked and hung out and he tried to introduce me to central only to be pushed back by the concept that I couldn't take my scooter onto the tube. Of course, back then, I wasn't really ready to go on the buis either, but now I could I could just take the 211 from Hammersmith and be there in 40 minutes. But, we tried.

2. Febian: This cutie Asian guy showed up when I was looking for guys into my fetish. And he was really nice. Just what I needed to get over my hating of the British culture. When I first got here, it was horrible. Everyone hating on everyone and I didn't see how I was supposed to be able to do anything around here let alone actually try and live. But anyway, Febian came and we hung out and played around it was pretty hot, I'll admit. It's a real shame that I haven't seen him again since then but with his calendar he does keep it pretty busy with all of his playmates, so who knows, maybe I'll see him again maybe not.

3. Rafal: This is one guy I keep in contact with. We haven't done anything and I don't think that we will for several reasons. Though he's extremely attractive Rafal has mental issues that keep him from from being like a regular person which is fine but he doesn't like to take his medication so it makes it difficult for me to try and communicate with him. He's a nice guy, Polish and he can sing really well. He comes over quite often ad we just hang out and do whatever. Watch movies or so out to eat or something. Whatever he's in the mood for, which can be just about anything really. With him, you never know. Just like I never know if he'll be wanting to slit his wrists when I call or something. It's like if you miss a phone call from him, he'll threaten to kill himself if you don't return it. But it's okay. I'm just keeping him at arm's length. I consider that a potential bullet dodged.

4. Martin: This was just a short fling. The Czech sexy guy was here for an evening, and we met up because of what he said he liked. Truth be told, when he got here, we ended up not doing anything because apparently I didn't have what he wanted (Nikes) but that's okay I mean even though I had told him this from the beginning it didn't seem to matter. He was just wasting time trying to get back to his boyfriend in Spain, which is where he is now. So I hope he's doing alright.

5. Sven: This guy was great. Shame I only got to meet him once and for a short time. He was on exchange from Stuttgart here in Manchester where he was studying abroad for a program. And so we met up and he is one of the best kissers I've ever had!!! And his sense of touch is am....az....ing.....absolutely. I wish I could've seen him more but such is the way of things. Cute German guy. Ahh well.

6. Ian: This was one of the more recent ones, as he was last Saturday. Interestingly enough, I had been talking ot Ian like over a year ago and didn't even know it. We had been speaking for awhile but he lives in the Caribbean and so he never really thought we would meet. However, I get here to London and his family lives here and he was here over the break, so he figured we should meet up. I agreed, however I should make one small disclaimer. I created a monster in the process. We were talking about things we like sexually and I told him what I was into and so we go to talking about it, and he found that he really liked it, though he knew nothing of the process. And so by the time he got here, apparently that's all he could think about when he was meeting me, and I didn't really want to lead him on as at the time when were first talked about meeting I was seeing John and then by the time he came I was seeing Andrew (more on that below.) But anyway, he came and we had lunch and though I tried dissuade him from the idea, he wouldn't hear of it, and so we ended up doing a little something extra but it wasn't much because I really couldn't stand myself as the thought f being some rich old man's plaything. Which is precisely what was happening for al of 10 minutes. Ugh. Not to say he wasn't nice because he was, but as a 50+ year old, that wasn't my cup of tea. No ma'am.

7. David: I don't really want to go into too much detail about this one, except to say that he found me on a disabled dating website and said hi and thirty minutes into the conversation bought a plane ticket from Madrid (where he lives) to see me in London. So I let him come and visit and that ended up being a mistake. He came and was all over me like white on rice on a paper plate with a glass of milk in a snowstorm, as Major Payne would say. And not in a good way. We went to Central London and that was great for my first time, but it was fucked up by his continual need to be around me and on me every fourteen seconds. Even my night of seeing Avenue Q was ruined by his incessant kissing sprees. Ugh. He stayed for two days and went packing. All I can say for this is bon voyage, seeing as he's French, it's appropriate.

8. John: (geez this is really stacking up. I didn't expect to see it like this till it's on paper or digital or whatever) Now this one is annoying for many reasons. I met John on my fetish website and we started talking and it was amazing. We had the greatest connection ever. I literally talked to him on Skype for seven hours straight. Yeah it was like that. I've never done that with anyone really. Let alone a person that I had just met. So I thought that was the beginning of something grand. As did he. Now as a side note, John had gastric bypass surgery last year and lost 200 pounds over the year (which is great) but as a side-effect he has several pounds of loose skin that surrounds his upper and lower body. Which is to be expected. He was telling me that he hadn't really expected to meet anyone until after his post op surgery to have the skin removed which was New Year's Eve, but obviously I showed up before then. Anyway, he came to get me and I spent the day at his place and we watched Star Trek and ate lunch and just geeked out which was great. Unfortunately, a big ass snow storm came through and ended up trapping me at his place for a week because the roads were super icy and I couldn't get back to London to go home so I stayed with him which we thought was an okay idea. Turned out to be a bad one. Internally, I guess. Over the course of the week, he claims that his feelings for me turned from one of a companion to one of a friend, due in part to the fact that I started off sleeping in his bed to moving to the couch (because it was much, much warmer there and I was freezing every night) and over a scene we had in a restaurant where he told me that he wasn't trying to get into anything serious (which was a drastic change in tone from a few days prior.) Needless to say I was pissed, still am because I feel like a part of me has wasted my time/effort in something that couldn't be worked out and he told me that after he heals from his operation if I was still available only then would he come and seek me out, though at this rate that ain't happening. See entry below.

9. And finally the last person on this list so far (but certainly not the least because there was supposed to be someone else on here but the snow pushed that back) is Andrew. I've been talking to him for quite sometime before we actually decided to meet face to face. I met him online (not at the fetish site) and we were talking and he just seemed like a generally nice guy. We never talked about anything of the usual with the guys there because most of them seem to be only interested in the size of your cock. But we didn't even go into that realm, which was refreshing. I was just frustrated because I would ask him a question and it would take him like a week to get back to me. And I was tired of it. At first, I didn't even know what he looked like because all I could see where his lips but then he unlocked the rest of the picture and he's gorgeous. And has been a model in London Fashion Week and hated every minute which I find highly amusing. I can't even begin to go into everything that's so interesting about him here, that's a topic for another post, but he's just very intriguing and eccentric. Anyway, I met him in Central London and we went for coffee at the museum which was a very proper "date" if you want to say that. And after that I didn't hear from him again really, which is not really true as he calls me every few days to see what's happening but I didn't see him in person till Thursday night when he phoned me saying that all the trains were out and he needed a place to stay and was asking if he could chill with me. So he came over and we hung out with my flatmates and everything and went to bed. He slept on the floor and we talked but by the end of the conversation he was in the bed, and we spent the rest of the night spooning, which was great. I've only done that with three guys. Andrew, Cody, and Frank. And the last two can kiss my mother fucking ass, fucking bastards. Anyway, that morning the spooning turned into something more....intimate shall we say and it was fabuloso. And then he got dressed, cooked me breakfast (scrambled eggs and salmon delicious) and went off to work. It was....perfect. And now, I'm wondering if I'll ever get to do it again or if it was a single magical moment in the history of my life, as such seems to happen every blue moon.

And there you have it. Nine men, nine short stories. I wonder what the next semester will hold?