I'm sorry I just couldn't think of any other title to give this post other than that. I mean I know there is life and it moves on and that's just a simple fact of reality that everyone on the planet has to eventually learn how to deal with but the fact of the matter is, I can't fucking get with the program here! WHY did my mother just tell me like 20 minutes ago that my dad is GOING to HAVE to move to CHINA to keep his job? Apparently his boss announced this yesterday at their meeting and that means that their firing everyone that works for him and the company (Lenovo) is going to have to relocate their entire base of operations back over to Shanghai which is where the headquarters are. Foretunately my dad is the shit and they want to keep him along with the company and all but that means that everyone and everything is gonna have to be moved to China too. My mom is like totally freaking out. She doesn't want to move to China and I can't really blame her. I mean she's 46 years old, she's never been to a place where they don't speak English and the fact that she's going to have to adjust to another place across the world is kinda crazy. I mean I was 19 when I went to Europe for a few months and that was mind blowing enough.
So according to her, my dad has one of two options: A) he can go over there for a year at a time, taking her with him, or B) he can go for extended months and come back every once in a while to the States. For her neither one of those is a good thing since she doesn't want to move, but she doesn't like to be without him for extended periods of time. It's like having a partner in the military except it's not the military and far less dangerous. Then there's option three that I came up with: She could split her time in the States and China over the period of like 3 months at a time, spending 3 months here, 3 months there, 3 months back here, and 3 months there. But I don't know what she's gonna do. More importantly, what am I gonna do?
I mean if he leaves for extended periods of time, there's a very good chance that I may never see him again except like once a year, but then that beats him staying there for a year. According to my mom it's not that serious, since I could just get on the plane and fly over to stay with them. But who knows? I'm totally flabbergasted (yeah I said it) and I have no idea what's going on with them. I mean she has houses here that we just bought, a business she just started, family here, and all the rest of the stuff. But who knows? I have no clue right now.
Hopefully our show will go over tonight without a hitch and make me feel better.
Wednesday 25 April 2007
Tuesday 24 April 2007
When Is Too Much Enough?
So yeah it's day three of the Patrick Stone drama, and believe it or not, not only is he responding to each and every one of my emails, he's demanding that I send MORE! In his words,
" hope your week has been going well and I really hope that you will write back quicker this time.. I've been looking forward to your messages. I miss you big man..hope to talk to you real soon! Take care of yourself broham..cant wait to hear from you!"
Um...whoa. In the entire time of knowing Mr. Stone, he has NEVER. And I repeat, NEVER sent me this many messages on a repeated kind of base. I mean I talked about with my Writing Poetry class today, and Sara (with an H) told me that if I could somehow reconnect and rekindle the relationship that we used to have with each other, that'd be like totally awesome, and she's right. I would love to finally get a chance to connect with him, (not only for the fact that he's STILL gorgeous-give me a break!-) but also because he was a really funny and nice guy. Right now, we're trying (MASSIVELY I might add) to coordinate this effort where we're gonna get together and chill and hang out and catch up on the three years (well technically 3.5 if I count the last semester I didn't want to breathe his name) that we've been out of our lives. And I mean after reading the message, it seems like he geniunely wants to hook up and chill. I mean granted, the last time we spoke was via IM and on there, I was on way heading to Germany the next day and I realized that I might die on the plane ride or over in another country, and I didn't want to go anywhere without telling him about what he did and how he makes me feel and everything.
In truth, I went off on him. Maybe I went a little overboard. Because I let him have it. I really did. I told him any and everything that was on my mind since the day I met him and how much of a fucking asshole he was being my Senior year and how I wanted him to die, no how I wanted to kill him myself, and I let him get the full blast of the treatment. I mean like afterward, I remember that it took him a little while to process what I said, but he just kept apologizing profusely about how sorry he was that he made me feel like that, and how he didn't mean to treat me that way, and how he had so much on his mind that year that he neglected everything and everyone and all of that.
And as I read his messages from Facebook now, though I get the sense that he wants to connect, I also can't help but feel this sense that he's still trying to apologize for what he did. And I don't want him to feel that way. I don't want for the only reason for us to hang out together is because he feels bad, and he thinks that by hanging out with me, he can atone for what he did. I mean what's done is done. He treated me like shit in high school, yes. I tried to get over it, but I don't ever think I will. It may seem minor in many people's eyes but in mine, it was very, VERY major. And now, I sense like this is a ploy (I've been using that word a lot lately) for attention. And if that's what it is, I don't want him to waste his time. I'm worth more and so is he. But...if he is trying to fix what he fucked up, then perhaps it's better than anything either one of us could've hoped for.
I just hope he doesn't become stalkerish and try to call me at all hours of the night and all of that. The only person who's allowed to do that is Jessica and even with her, there are limits as to what can be be/said, and what can't. But secretly and simultaneously, I kinda hope he DOES get stalkerish, so he can need me like I wanted him back in the day, and then maybe then I'll play one of his cards and act like I don't give a fuck. Hmm....very Cruel Intentions meets Basic Instinct. It's a possibility. Not one I'll likely entertain strictly for his cuteness factor, but possible.
Oh yes and before I forget, so last night I asked someone out. Can you believe it? Yes me, I asked out none other than Matt Blue. Yes I know. As far as personal standards go, I had a particular blueprint in my mind, and he totally doesn't fit that, but there's just something about him that I'm intrigued by. I love being around him and he's funny as hell. So we'll have to see where that goes. I see him again tonight at musical rehearsal (ooohhhh god, when will this show be done?) but we're not scheduled for anything till next week. Dammit, when can this week be done? That's one step closer to Matt, Trick and NASA. Come on Father Time! Work your damn magic already!
P.S. What the fuck is "broham"? Can anyone tell me? I'm out of the "caucausian lingo" loop.
" hope your week has been going well and I really hope that you will write back quicker this time.. I've been looking forward to your messages. I miss you big man..hope to talk to you real soon! Take care of yourself broham..cant wait to hear from you!"
Um...whoa. In the entire time of knowing Mr. Stone, he has NEVER. And I repeat, NEVER sent me this many messages on a repeated kind of base. I mean I talked about with my Writing Poetry class today, and Sara (with an H) told me that if I could somehow reconnect and rekindle the relationship that we used to have with each other, that'd be like totally awesome, and she's right. I would love to finally get a chance to connect with him, (not only for the fact that he's STILL gorgeous-give me a break!-) but also because he was a really funny and nice guy. Right now, we're trying (MASSIVELY I might add) to coordinate this effort where we're gonna get together and chill and hang out and catch up on the three years (well technically 3.5 if I count the last semester I didn't want to breathe his name) that we've been out of our lives. And I mean after reading the message, it seems like he geniunely wants to hook up and chill. I mean granted, the last time we spoke was via IM and on there, I was on way heading to Germany the next day and I realized that I might die on the plane ride or over in another country, and I didn't want to go anywhere without telling him about what he did and how he makes me feel and everything.
In truth, I went off on him. Maybe I went a little overboard. Because I let him have it. I really did. I told him any and everything that was on my mind since the day I met him and how much of a fucking asshole he was being my Senior year and how I wanted him to die, no how I wanted to kill him myself, and I let him get the full blast of the treatment. I mean like afterward, I remember that it took him a little while to process what I said, but he just kept apologizing profusely about how sorry he was that he made me feel like that, and how he didn't mean to treat me that way, and how he had so much on his mind that year that he neglected everything and everyone and all of that.
And as I read his messages from Facebook now, though I get the sense that he wants to connect, I also can't help but feel this sense that he's still trying to apologize for what he did. And I don't want him to feel that way. I don't want for the only reason for us to hang out together is because he feels bad, and he thinks that by hanging out with me, he can atone for what he did. I mean what's done is done. He treated me like shit in high school, yes. I tried to get over it, but I don't ever think I will. It may seem minor in many people's eyes but in mine, it was very, VERY major. And now, I sense like this is a ploy (I've been using that word a lot lately) for attention. And if that's what it is, I don't want him to waste his time. I'm worth more and so is he. But...if he is trying to fix what he fucked up, then perhaps it's better than anything either one of us could've hoped for.
I just hope he doesn't become stalkerish and try to call me at all hours of the night and all of that. The only person who's allowed to do that is Jessica and even with her, there are limits as to what can be be/said, and what can't. But secretly and simultaneously, I kinda hope he DOES get stalkerish, so he can need me like I wanted him back in the day, and then maybe then I'll play one of his cards and act like I don't give a fuck. Hmm....very Cruel Intentions meets Basic Instinct. It's a possibility. Not one I'll likely entertain strictly for his cuteness factor, but possible.
Oh yes and before I forget, so last night I asked someone out. Can you believe it? Yes me, I asked out none other than Matt Blue. Yes I know. As far as personal standards go, I had a particular blueprint in my mind, and he totally doesn't fit that, but there's just something about him that I'm intrigued by. I love being around him and he's funny as hell. So we'll have to see where that goes. I see him again tonight at musical rehearsal (ooohhhh god, when will this show be done?) but we're not scheduled for anything till next week. Dammit, when can this week be done? That's one step closer to Matt, Trick and NASA. Come on Father Time! Work your damn magic already!
P.S. What the fuck is "broham"? Can anyone tell me? I'm out of the "caucausian lingo" loop.
Saturday 21 April 2007
When Destiny Breaks Your Leeves
So yeah I just got back from rehearsal for the 1940's Radio Hour, and it's shaping up to be a pretty amazing show. I'm really happy that everything is coming together so well because a week ago I was seriously considering just backing out of the production before I turned around and embarressed myself in this mess of a show. However, it seems that time has proved the victor and the immience of the show has forced everyone to clean their act up and do better, so the show is looking pretty great. However that's not why I wrote this blog. No, I got a different kind of shock when I checked my email.
Okay, so I've been out of high school now for over three years now, and I don't tend to think about the people there that are inside of it, unless they play some kind of special recognition on my mind, and of those there are relatively few of them. Tell me why after all of this time I hear from of all people: Patrick Stone.
Patrick or "Trick" as he likes to be called, is one of those guys that I think has taught a really big emotional lesson about who you can get close to, and just who you can't. When I was in high school, I got to know him because he was in my Spanish class, I sat next to him and yes quite frankly he was absolutely gorgeous. So we started talking in class, and I found out how cool I thought that he was, and from there, it just got deeper when I sent him this message on the last day of class about how I really wanted to remain friends with him, and I wanted to get to know him better and all of that (this is particular painful for me to discuss). So yeah we started chatting after that, and I used to call him all the time, I can remember one of the happiest days I had was when I was talking to him all night over the phone, and how close we seemed. But after that, it was like everything ground to a halt, and he stopped calling, stopped talking to me, and just avoided me completely all together.
So when I realized this, I went on a complete emotional rampage, and he inspired me to go back to writing poetry for the first time in years. It was during this time, that I realized just how much he had hurt me with those simple actions. I remember even buying him a music book so he could publish the music that he liked to write for his girlfriend at the time, Natalie. But he completely blew me off like he had no clue who I was. After that, I devoted much of my heart to completely hating him and everything he stood for, and I felt that way for a long time. It wasn't until I was about to graduate high school that I realized (after I started watching Queer As Folk) that I couldn't go around with all the hatred in my heart for people that couldn't understand how I felt about him.
How do I feel about him? Well it's not a matter now, but back then I wanted someone that I could talk to about absolutely anything without hesitation, and I don't have that yet. I think it's a rare thing to have in this life. I have friends that I can break that total package in pieces to, but I don't think any of them could handle the full fury of me completely. I think the closest thing I have to that would be my friend Susanna, that I met in Germany last year. And I love her and thank God that I ran into her and made friends with her. But in truth, I want a man that I can do that with. Not that I don't enjoy being in company of girls, but I don't relate completely with them on that level, because I'm not a girl. So I wanted someone that I could that that could at least relate to me on a partial level. I thought that I could make that happen with someone like Patrick, but I realized after the whole fiasco with them that it's not something you can make happen. It either happens or it doesn't, and it's just simple.
But anyway, I do remember before I went to Germany, I made sure that he knew everything that was in my heart before I went across the ocean, not because I wanted him to feel the guilt trip, but rather I just wanted him to understand how serious he has been in my life. I don't think he still understands, and I doubt he ever will. But I thought I had forgotten about all of this stuff, and when I saw his message to me, the emotional levees that I had built against him and the whole high school memory thing just cracked and broke down. All at the sight of his name, I still get this nervousness that makes me wanna puke, and I don't know why. It's like no matter how much I tell myself to forget, I just can't. And believe me, I've tried.
It just makes me sadder when I think of all the things that happened in Germany and meeting Frank and all of that, and how wonderful he was, and I remember the one night that we watched a movie and how happy I was when he decided to stay over at my apartment, we laid there and held each other and then made love and feel asleep that night. It was...perfect. No other way to describe it. I miss that terribly and I miss Frank too. I have no idea what he's doing, or where he is, but I hope truly in my heart that he's okay. I can't thank him enough to befriending me, and showing me what real affection is. Okay I've got to stop now, or I'm gonna cry.
Okay, so I've been out of high school now for over three years now, and I don't tend to think about the people there that are inside of it, unless they play some kind of special recognition on my mind, and of those there are relatively few of them. Tell me why after all of this time I hear from of all people: Patrick Stone.
Patrick or "Trick" as he likes to be called, is one of those guys that I think has taught a really big emotional lesson about who you can get close to, and just who you can't. When I was in high school, I got to know him because he was in my Spanish class, I sat next to him and yes quite frankly he was absolutely gorgeous. So we started talking in class, and I found out how cool I thought that he was, and from there, it just got deeper when I sent him this message on the last day of class about how I really wanted to remain friends with him, and I wanted to get to know him better and all of that (this is particular painful for me to discuss). So yeah we started chatting after that, and I used to call him all the time, I can remember one of the happiest days I had was when I was talking to him all night over the phone, and how close we seemed. But after that, it was like everything ground to a halt, and he stopped calling, stopped talking to me, and just avoided me completely all together.
So when I realized this, I went on a complete emotional rampage, and he inspired me to go back to writing poetry for the first time in years. It was during this time, that I realized just how much he had hurt me with those simple actions. I remember even buying him a music book so he could publish the music that he liked to write for his girlfriend at the time, Natalie. But he completely blew me off like he had no clue who I was. After that, I devoted much of my heart to completely hating him and everything he stood for, and I felt that way for a long time. It wasn't until I was about to graduate high school that I realized (after I started watching Queer As Folk) that I couldn't go around with all the hatred in my heart for people that couldn't understand how I felt about him.
How do I feel about him? Well it's not a matter now, but back then I wanted someone that I could talk to about absolutely anything without hesitation, and I don't have that yet. I think it's a rare thing to have in this life. I have friends that I can break that total package in pieces to, but I don't think any of them could handle the full fury of me completely. I think the closest thing I have to that would be my friend Susanna, that I met in Germany last year. And I love her and thank God that I ran into her and made friends with her. But in truth, I want a man that I can do that with. Not that I don't enjoy being in company of girls, but I don't relate completely with them on that level, because I'm not a girl. So I wanted someone that I could that that could at least relate to me on a partial level. I thought that I could make that happen with someone like Patrick, but I realized after the whole fiasco with them that it's not something you can make happen. It either happens or it doesn't, and it's just simple.
But anyway, I do remember before I went to Germany, I made sure that he knew everything that was in my heart before I went across the ocean, not because I wanted him to feel the guilt trip, but rather I just wanted him to understand how serious he has been in my life. I don't think he still understands, and I doubt he ever will. But I thought I had forgotten about all of this stuff, and when I saw his message to me, the emotional levees that I had built against him and the whole high school memory thing just cracked and broke down. All at the sight of his name, I still get this nervousness that makes me wanna puke, and I don't know why. It's like no matter how much I tell myself to forget, I just can't. And believe me, I've tried.
It just makes me sadder when I think of all the things that happened in Germany and meeting Frank and all of that, and how wonderful he was, and I remember the one night that we watched a movie and how happy I was when he decided to stay over at my apartment, we laid there and held each other and then made love and feel asleep that night. It was...perfect. No other way to describe it. I miss that terribly and I miss Frank too. I have no idea what he's doing, or where he is, but I hope truly in my heart that he's okay. I can't thank him enough to befriending me, and showing me what real affection is. Okay I've got to stop now, or I'm gonna cry.
Friday 13 April 2007
And the Newest NASA Intern Is....Me! (Can You Believe It? I Can't Either.)
So yeah I got a total shock of fabulous surprise when I got an email from NASA today that said that out of thousands and thousands applications they recieved they chose me to parcipate in the program and I actually get a chance to intern at the Goddard Space Center in Maryland. Which means...I'm officially a NASA intern and I get to work at NASA over the summer! This is totally unbelievable. It's so weird since everything that I've always wanted to do since I was a little kid that I thought was never in any of my reach is suddenly becoming available and totally reachable. It's just so weird! I always said ever since I was three years old that I wanted to visit and travel around Europe. And I've always claimed that I've wanted to work at NASA (granted it was a rocket scientist, but hey anyway I can get it) and I've already accomplished the first goal as of last year, and now I'm getting my second one out of the way.
Wednesday 11 April 2007
From the Grindhouse to The Huddle House
Happy Birthday to me!!!!! So yeah I'm officially legal today now, and it's hard to believe. I didn't think that it was going to ever be possible. But here it is. And there it was. So my birthday was yesterday it was pretty fun I have to admit. It started out a little rough when mom called in the morning we got into a little tiff about some stuff about God and how I should give thanks for all of that. It's not that I'm not thankful for it, cause that's not it at all, I just don't see why I have to dictate that to mom. Totally inappropriate and I'm gonna need for her to get over it. But finally I just decided to gratify her and move on. And then Grandma called and I talked to her, and that was interesting we have a cute little conversation with McKensie continously coming into it. So after that, I moved on and got dressed they finally showed up later in the day and we went to Fayetteville and ate out at a Chinese resturant and it was pretty good. After that we to see The Grindhouse, and that was incredibly odd. It was the most fun I've had at the theatres in a long, long time. I mean it's Rodriguez and Tarantino. It doesn't get much better than that, no matter who you are. So yeah that was pretty fabulous. After that we went to the mall and mom and dad bought me a pair of black Tims (my first real pair!) that roll down over the cuff (they're hot bootz!) and then I was gonna buy a pair of Sketchers for myself, and out of nowhere my brother pulled his card out and paid for them. That was really cool and I was totally surprised. So then I went down the walkway, and went to buy some sunglasses, and ended up with 2 pair of Gucci shades and a pair of Dolce & Gabanna glasses for 16 bucks. You can't possibly beat that. It was hot! So yeah and then I just bought the new Timbaland CD and it's the shit! Definately. As a side note, the guys at the Cross Creek Mall at the Fruit Bar were SOOOO hot! wow. And then I came back and met two really awesome guys this evening. Nick and Justin who were hanging out with Melissa (the Tri-Sigma chick that Efrain trying to get at) and we chilled out and they're pretty cool. So yeah I guess today is the day to get back on the grind. Who knows? And yeah the PS3 broke yesterday rather randomly, and they're gonna send me a new one but that sucks!!!!! Gosh. Who knows? Did I make that big a mistake when I traded all that shit in? Hmm....
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