Change Is On the Wind....

Okay so I know this sounds kinda hopeful but in truth I really don't feel like it is. I bought Imogen Heap the other day and once again the bookstore delivers another wonderful product. It's rare the bookstore actually has magnificent music in his stock. There are a few instances though like that Paul Oakenfold CD I bought, and Michelle N'Ocellegeno or whatever and now Imogen Heap. Though I when I heard "Goodnight and Go" I knew I'd like her. But no, I finished Queer As Folk this morning and the show is officially over. It's hard to believe but it's finally through. I thought Brian and Justin were gonna finally get married but in the last episode they quit and Justin moved to New York. Linz and Melanie moved to Canada, Michael got his spleen taken out, he and Ben officially adopted Hunter as their new son, Emmitt found a new boyfriend after dumping the football player for the same reason I decided not to get involved with Craig, and Ted ended up with the same man from season 2, Blake. So in the end, everyone found someone except Brian, but that's the way he'd want it.

And this is bringing on problems for me. I've come to the realization that I don't like this. I don't like this at all. It's the fact that I hate the nights. I remember hearing in movies that the nights are always the worse, and they are. I think that's why I've fallen in love with Imogen Heap so hard. That song "Goodnight and Go" makes perfect sense to me. It's like all of the guys that I've ever seen that I've fallen for but couldn't have.

Why'd you have to be so cute?

It's impossible to ignore you...

Must you make me laugh so much?

It's bad enough we get along so well.

Just say goodnight and go.

She'd rather that her crush leave her alone and begone than to have to see her everyday and break her heart a thousand times a week. Sounds like what I'm going through. I hate having to crawl in bed alone with the cold sheets and the cold bed to have to take fifteen minutes to warm it back up again. I want someone here that I can grab on to. I want someone that I look at and lay down with without worrying about how someone else feels about it. I don't want to wait forever to have to do it either. I don't want to feel like I have to go to the gym and work on an impossible goal to try and attract the same sex, either. But with this damn wheelchair it's impossible to pull the attraction that I'm looking for. I'm mad that everyone seems to get the attention that they least expect. And when I go looking for something like that, everyone thinks I'm insane.

I hate the fact that I'm reduced to looking around on websites for people who are open-minded and don't mind many problems, because I have to explain my situation. I don't want to have to tell people that I have CP and can't walk. I don't want to have to explain what happened to me and why I look this way. I don't want to have to apologize for my skin color, and for my life and the way that it is. I don't want to think about beatings, and rantings, and ridiculous mess that people don't want to face up to. I just wish that I could turn around and there he'd be. Someone I don't have to say anything to. I just want to turn around have him realize everything there before I even open my mouth. So if there is a God, I know that he might not agree with everything that I'm doing, and if that's the case, if you don't like it, then change my mind!!!! Change my heart! Make me like girls! Make me forget about all the guys I've seen and fallen in love with! Make me become macho and stop looking at everyone like a piece of meat! You want me to be straight so bad? You're gonna have to work a miracle and change my mind! Otherwise....give me a fucking break.

And while it's on my mind, the auditions for the 3rd annual Fire and Ice Pageant are today. So that's interesting. I'll be looking for some interesting reactions to my madness. And tomorrow is the start of my pledge to Phi Mu Alpha. God I can't believe myself.

Preparing to Close the Heart...

So today is Sunday morning and Travis has been dead for three days now. I've finally began to get over it a little bit, by hanging out with a few friends and immersing myself in general groups of conversation. Anything that will help me take the pain out my head. It's like a surgery after the cutting and slicing away of the heart, when they've done what they have to, they prepare the sutures and start to stitch it up slowly. That's where I am right now. I'm starting to accept that he's gone and it just makes me more thankful and everything that I got to be his student. I had a conversation with Sharon today and she helped me to realize that Travis' death was just the way he would've wanted it. The crash was very very dramatic just like his life was. So I'm glad that it happened that way. He would've been mad if anything else happened like that. The paper says that he died instantly so I'm happy for it. As far as everything else, I managed to go to class and stuff but only after I went to chorus and found out that we're performing at Travis' memorial at GPAC. I didn't know that his death affected so many people. The GPAC is the only place we can have the memorial because of all the people that's supposed to attend. So yeah enough of that.

I got to see Silent Hill yesterday. It was really good actually. I was very impressed, and I'm in love with the camera work that the director used. It was a true mindfuck, just like the videogames, and it was a real trip watching it. The ending was really like whoa though it was kind of confusing. So yeah I've got mad work to do today. So more later on.

The Official Report via UNCP

The Official Report via UNCP

Friday, August 25, 2006

UNCP Professor in Fatal Automobile Accident

A veteran of stage and higher education Travis Stockley, 50, died in an automobile accident in Lumberton, N.C., on August 24, 2006. Stockley was an assistant professor and coordinator of the Music Theatre degree program at The University of North Carolina at Pembroke.

Stockley joined UNC Pembroke in 2002 and was instrumental in establishing the Universitys Bachelor of Music program in Musical Theatre in 2005. He directed a number of musicals at the University, including Music Man, Babes in Arms, Sweeney Todd, Aint Misbehavin and Youre A Good Man, Charlie Brown."

An accomplished director, Stockley directed over 100 professional productions throughout the U. S. and Europe, including The Music Man (starring Gary Sandy), Man of La Mancha (starring David Holiday), My Fair Lady, Singin in the Rain, West Side Story, Grease and Show Boat."

A Chicago, Ill., native, Stockley earned his Bachelor of Fine Arts from Illinois Wesleyan and his Master of Fine Arts from Northwestern University. He was a member of the East Carolina University faculty before coming to UNCP.

Stockley won the Outer Critics Award for the best Off-Broadway musical production and the Joseph Jefferson Award for best director of a musical. A finalist in the Sundance Theatre Lab, he entered three shorts in the Sundance Film Festival.

An active member of his community, Stockley served on the Advisory Board for Strike At The Wind! in Pembroke, N.C., and directed plays at the Gilbert Theater in Fayetteville, N.C. He was also a member of Phi Mu Alpha Sinfonia, a national music fraternity for men.

The Stockley family is planning a private funeral service to be held in Chicago, Ill. A memorial service will be held in the Givens Performing Arts Center at The University of North Carolina at Pembroke on Wednesday, September 6, 2006, at 10 AM.